


Close to the Edge

by Skk



Category: Kim Possible (Cartoon)
Genre: Complicated Relationships, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Kigo Endgame, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, occasional smut, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:54:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 113,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26149795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skk/pseuds/Skk
Summary: After a bad breakup with Ron, Kim finds herself in a cycle of self-destruction. Without anyone else to turn to, she starts relying on Shego for comfort.TRIGGER WARNING: This fic will include mentions of self-harm and sexual assault. I will add a warning to chapters that feature these heavily, but they will be major plot points. Please read the notes at the beginning of each chapter!
Relationships: Kim Possible/Original Female Character(s), Kim Possible/Shego
Comments: 125
Kudos: 234





	1. 0 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, welcome to my first KiGo fic (and my first fic in general!). Like I said in the summary, this will definitely have some darker themes, so please let me know if I miss a trigger warning somewhere. Nothing in this chapter though!
> 
> Chapter titles are the number of days since the breakup between Ron and Kim. A chapter can span multiple days, but the title will always be the start date.

Kim was having a shit day, and she knew Shego could tell. Her fighting was too predictable, and the villainess deflected each blow effortlessly. This wasn’t a real fight; Shego already knew how to stop her. She’d found all the weak spots in this attack, and could break through it easily. Kim knew she should care, but today, it just seemed like too much effort.

“Gotta say, I’m getting tired of the silent treatment here Kimmie. Mocking you is half the fun.” Kim didn’t reply, just tried to hit her again and took a step back when Shego moved forwards to block it. She didn’t realized she was being pushed towards a wall until her back was up against it.

She dully recognized that Shego could kill her at that moment. She probably wouldn’t fight it. But instead of attacking, Shego placed her hands on the wall on either side of Kim’s shoulders, trapping her in place. “So what’s your _sitch,_ Princess?” Shego tapped her fingers against the wall as Kim scowled at her. “Where’s the buffoon, Cupcake?” Kim blinked back tears and replied through gritted teeth. “He took the day off.” She knew it didn’t sound believable, she was never a good liar. _Please let it go_.

She didn’t let it go. “Yeah I know bullshit when I hear it Kimmie. So you finally realized you’re too good for him?” Kim couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. To her surprise, Shego dropped her hands and took a step back. “When I beat you, it’s going to be because I’m better, not because you’re too caught up in your little _feelings_. Whatever you’ve got going on, fix it.”

She walked away, leaving Kim confused. _What the hell just happened?_

“But Shego, what do you mean she escaped? She’s a college student and…Now, Shego, no need to get testy, I – AH” Kim heard a blast of plasma hit the wall. With a sigh, she turned to leave the lair.

She held herself together long enough to get back to her apartment and finish the report that was due in the morning. Finally, dressed in her pajamas, she broke down crying. 12 hours ago, her and Ron had still been dating. She had imagined a future with him. And now…now, she was all alone. And she was such a mess that even Shego was pitying her. Running out of tears, she curled up with her pandaroo and fell asleep.

–oOo–

The next morning wasn’t any better. She dragged herself to class, but she barely heard what the professors were saying. It had been almost 4 years. She’d just bought tickets to visit him over spring break. She – suddenly Kim was fighting back tears again. _I will_ not _cry during lecture._

After class, Kim sat in the library for hours, staring at her screen and trying to work. Eventually, she gave up and went home. As she walked through the front door, her eyes drifted towards the bottle of vodka on the counter. _Drinking to ignore problems can lead to a dependence on alcohol,_ she reminded herself. She walked further into the apartment, put down her backpack, and decided she was going to get drunk out of her mind, consequences be damned.

A few hours later, she didn’t even notice someone climbing through her window until that person was standing right next to her, hands on her hips, and a smirk planted on her face. “You look like shit.”

Kim’s eyes shot open. “Shego!” She tried to get up, but the floor seemed to move as she leapt off the couch, and she fell down, tangled in blankets. After a minute of struggling, she managed to stand in a rough approximation of a fighting stance. Shego kept her hands on her hips and laughed.

“If I didn’t fight you when you were crying, what makes you think I’ll fight you when you’re too drunk to walk?”

“I can walk!” Kim tried to punch Shego, but she misjudged both Shego’s location and her own balance, and ended up hitting thin air before tripping over the blankets and falling down again.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. And I’m not here for a fight Kimmie.”

Not here for a fight? Still laying on the floor, Kim stared up at the ceiling and tried to process that thought, but her mind was clouded by the alcohol. Eventually she asked the question out loud.

“Well, I _wanted_ to find out why the hell you’re so off your game, but I don’t think you could answer that one right now. So here’s what we’re gonna do Kimmie. You’re going to go to bed, and tomorrow I’m going to come back so we can talk about this. Sober. Kay?”

Kim was confused, but nodded. Shego turned to leave, taking the rest of the vodka with her. “Hey! I was drinking that!”

“I think you’ve had enough to drink tonight.” The window slid shut behind Shego before Kim could answer. For the second time in two days, Kim thought _What the hell just happened?_ before sliding into unconsciousness.

–oOo–

When she woke up in the morning, she still felt awful, but for a completely different reason. Her skin was sticky after being buried under so many blankets, and her back was stiff from the floor. Her head was pounding, and she was pretty sure something had died in her mouth. When she tried to check the time, she found out that her phone was dead. The microwave showed that it was a little after 1pm. _Well shit._ All her classes on Thursday were before noon. _Why the hell did I get drunk on a weeknight?_ She immediately shut off the part of her brain that wanted to answer that question. She knew the answer, and she didn’t want to think about it.

As she started to clean up, she realized that she couldn’t find the bottle of vodka. _That’s weird, I definitely didn’t drink all of it…_ After a moment, she shrugged it off. Who knew where her drunk mind might have hidden it. Besides, if last night was any indicator, she was probably better off without it. Having cleaned her apartment, Kim grabbed her backpack and went to the library to get some work done.

When she finally got back, it was a little after midnight. As she opened the door to her bedroom, she heard a familiar voice say, “It’s not nice to keep a girl waiting Kimmie.”

Kim lunged for the light switch and slipped into a fighting stance. She definitely didn’t expect to see Shego lounging on her bed. “Shego, I don’t know why you’re here, but you’re going to leave right now.”

The villainess sighed and got off the bed. “Fine, let’s do it your way then.”

This time, Kim was completely focused on her fighting, her anger at Shego’s invasion overruling her sadness about Ron. However, she was unprepared for Shego to abandon traditional fighting and tackle her onto the bed. Kim ended up on her back with Shego straddling her waist.

“Kay Kimmie, I’m not planning to move any time soon. I said I’d be back, so let’s do this.” She sighed at Kim’s look of confusion. “Don’t tell me you forgot I was even here. You really need to drink less Cupcake.”

Kim reached back into her foggy memories of the night before, and came up with some hazy images of Shego standing in her living room. “I thought that was a dream.”

“Nope, it was real. And I’ve been waiting for a while, so are we doing it or not?”

Kim wracked her brain, trying to figure out what “it” was. She was suddenly very aware of Shego’s warm weight against her hips, and the phrase “I’ve been waiting” echoed in her mind. _What did I agree to last night?_

“Uh Shego, I don’t know what I said last night but I uh…”

She trailed off as Shego lowered her face towards hers. Kim’s heartbeat sped up, and she wondered if Shego was going to kiss her. Then she wondered if she wanted her to. But Shego leaned past Kim’s face and hissed into her ear, “You were going to tell me about the buffoon. So spill.”

No. There was no way she’d agreed to that. “Why do you care, Shego?”

“Remember, Kimmie, my job is to fight you. It’s a hell of a lot less fun if you’re not fighting too. So start talking.”

“Fine. Can you at least get off me?”

“Why? Do you find this _distracting_?” Without waiting for a response, Shego moved to sit on one side of the bed, still smirking.

Kim sat up and sighed. It seemed like there was no way out of this. “We broke up.”

“Yeah I got that. What I don’t get, is why you wasted 4 years with a guy who wasn’t even close to your league, and why you’re such a wreck now that you finally ditched him.” She looked up and saw the tears in Kim’s eyes. “…he broke up with you, didn’t he?”

“Not exactly.” Kim suddenly realized it would be nice to talk to someone about this. She wasn’t ready to talk to her family or Monique yet, and none of her friends at school actually knew Ron. And they were always used to her being upbeat and happy…she had no idea how they would handle something this serious. So Shego really wasn’t a bad choice. She started talking, keeping her eyes trained on her bedspread.

“He went to college in Japan. There was this really good culinary school, and there was a place nearby where he could keep training his monkey powers, and he was so excited to go. I knew I’d miss him, but it just seemed so perfect for him. So I stayed here and he went to Japan and I tried so hard. I mean, I texted him all the time, we had weekly video calls, I visited him whenever I could. He still came on missions sometimes.” Kim was crying at this point. “It seemed like everything was going so well, you know? He loved the school and he always seemed so happy. For almost four years, I thought we were so happy. And he just…” Kim broke down sobbing. This was her first time saying it out loud, and it hurt so much. Strangely, Shego didn’t mock her, just sat and watched silently. When she stopped crying, Shego handed her the box of tissues that had been next to the bed. “I got a text that was supposed to go to someone else. It had her name, and…he was my best friend for so long, and now…They’ve been together for two and a half years and he never told me. He wasn’t even going to tell me now, he just…messed up I guess. Texted the wrong person.” She finally looked up at Shego. “And that was two hours before I got the call about you and Drakken.”

“Well, that explains why you couldn’t fight at least.”

Kim was stunned. “That’s it? You’re the only person I’ve told about this, and that’s all you have to say?”

Shego shrugged. “What’s there to say? The buffoon was obviously an asshole as well as an idiot. I mean, he’s dating a girl like you and he thought your feelings weren’t worth a damn. You don’t need someone like that in your life, Princess. But I never understood why you stuck with him in the first place. You could do so much better.”

“Do you have any suggestions? For people who are better?” Kim was shocked by the words that had come out of her mouth, but she refused to take them back.

Shego laughed. “I don’t _do_ guys, Pumpkin. If you’re looking to try the other side, I could probably come up with some names, but with guys you’re all on your own.”

Kim thought about this for a minute but couldn’t think of anything to say. So she said, “Do you want to have a drink?”

Shego quickly discovered that Kim had an impressively low tolerance for alcohol. She was tipsy after one drink, and noticeably drunk by the end of her third. It wasn’t until her fifth drink that she asked, “What’s it like to have sex with a woman?”

“I’m not going to describe it for you, Kimmie. It’s good. What’s it like have sex with a man?” Kim’s face was already flushed from the alcohol, but it turned an even brighter shade of red. “You were with the buffoon for four years and you two never…Damn, he really is an idiot.”

“Huh?”

"Kimmie, you’re fucking hot. He had a free pass to fuck you anytime he wanted, and he spent his time making eyes at some girl in Japan instead. Hell, if I had the chance to fuck someone that looked like you…” Shego suddenly trailed off, realizing what she’d just said. She must have been more drunk than she realized.

“You want to have sex with me?” Kim whispered.

Shego shifted uncomfortably. “Well I wouldn’t exactly pass up on the opportunity if it came up.”

“And if I’m giving you an opportunity?”

Shego’s eyes glinted dangerously. “Then you’re too drunk to say it now. Same deal as before, I’ll come back tomorrow and you can tell me if you’re backing out. Catch ya later Kimmie.”

As she left, Kim replayed the conversation. Why the hell had she said any of that? She had quite literally asked Shego to have sex with her. Kim had always wanted her first time to be special, to be with someone she loved. Someone who was most definitely male and not evil. But then she remembered Shego’s warm thighs bracketing her hips, the way her heart sped up when she thought Shego was going to kiss her. She tried to imagine how Shego’s lips would feel against hers.

“Yep, I have officially lost it.”

–oOo–

On Friday morning, Kim was filled with nervous excitement. She was going to have sex with Shego. Tonight. As she made her way to her first class, she realized that this was the first time since the breakup that she’d felt something besides the horrible, aching sadness.

When she got home that night, Shego was already leaning against the wall of her bedroom. “So Kimmie, what’s it gonna be?”

 _Too late to back out now._ “Yes.” The word was quiet, and Kim wouldn’t meet Shego’s eyes, but she knew the villainess heard her.

She stepped closer, put her hands on Kim’s waist, and whispered into her ear, “Are you sure about this?” Kim nodded, and Shego whispered, “That’s good, because I’ve been dying to fuck you Princess.” She kissed the spot behind her ear. “I promise I’ll make you feel good. I’ve gotten lots of compliments.”

“Why are you being nice, Shego?”

“For tonight, let’s just forget about the hero/villain stuff. Right now, I’m just a girl who’s going to fuck the living daylights out of you. How does that sound?”

Kim shivered at Shego’s words and nodded without hesitation, and Shego pressed her lips against Kim’s. They felt softer than she had expected, and more demanding. Shego wrapped one arm around Kim’s waist and put the other behind her head, pulling Kim’s mouth closer to hers. When she brushed her tongue across Kim’s lips, they parted without hesitation, and she groaned as Shego’s tongue moved against hers. The sensation of Shego lips on hers made her feel lightheaded, and she wrapped her arms around the other woman’s shoulders to steady herself. Shego pulled her even closer, until their bodies were flush against each other. Shego’s breasts pressed against hers and their hips pushed together, and Kim felt heat pooling in her stomach.

It had never felt like this when she kissed Ron. Not at prom, not flying in her car after graduation, not sitting in his bed as he hesitantly touched her chest. She wondered if he was kissing Yori, if he was touching her, if they were laying in his bed doing what she was about to do right now, with Shego.

Shego broke the kiss to take a breath and nipped at Kim’s lower lip as she pulled away. When Shego leaned in to kiss her again, she pressed eagerly into her mouth, holding the older woman tight against her. In that moment, she didn’t care what Ron was doing. Any lingering doubts vanished. She wanted this. She wanted this. She wanted this. She pulled back with a gasp and looked at Shego. “I want you.”

The look in Shego’s eyes made Kim shiver. “Get on the bed Kimmie.”

Unsure of what to do, she sat back against headboard. With a growl, Shego pulled her forward and kissed her again, more aggressive than before. Kim felt like her head was spinning as Shego pushed her onto her back and crawled on top of her, still kissing her. When Kim ran out of breath, Shego started kissing down the side of her neck. Kim tilted her head to give her more space, and moaned as she felt Shego’s hands sliding under her shirt and across her stomach. She trailed her hands up Kim’s torso, pushing her shirt with her, and Kim lifted her arms to let Shego remove it. She suddenly felt incredibly exposed, and resisted the urge to cross her arms over her chest. Before she could put any thought into it, Shego was there, kissing and licking the top of her chest, tracing patterns over her stomach, bringing one hand to touch Kim over her bra. Shego moved her mouth back to Kim’s ear and tugged on it gently with her teeth. As she slipped a hand into Kim’s bra and traced tight circles around her nipple, she whispered, “How are you feeling Kimmie?”

Kim couldn’t answer. Nothing that she had ever experienced came close to the feeling of Shego’s hand on her breast. Shego growled in frustration and burned Kim’s bra away before leaning down and sucking hard on one of Kim’s nipples, while her hand continued to tease at the other one. Kim cried out in pleasure and arched her back, pushing herself further into Shego’s mouth and hands. She felt more heat pooling in her stomach and lifted her hips, trying to chase…something. Trying to get more of whatever it was that Shego was giving her. Seeing this, Shego laughed and licked a path down Kim’s torso, still keeping one hand occupied with her breasts. Kim felt her stomach muscles tense under Shego’s touch, and experienced a strange thrill of anticipation when Shego roughly pulled her pants down her legs. Shego trailed her fingers up Kim’s calves and traced patterns on the inside of her thighs.

“Shego _please_ ,” Kim whined.

Shego hummed in acknowledgement and moved her fingers along the edges of Kim’s underwear, sliding her fingertips just underneath the waistband.

“Shego I need more, please, give me more.”

Kim moaned as Shego cupped her over her underwear, bucking her hips into the pressure, whining when Shego moved her hand away.

“Oh is that what you wanted Princess? All you had to do was ask.”

She traced patterns over Kim’s underwear, then leaned back to Kim’s ear and exhaled hotly onto it, eliciting another moan. “This is your last chance Cupcake. If you want me to stop, you have to say it now.”

Kim’s response was frantic and immediate. “No please don’t stop, god just keep going.”

Shego grinned and burned Kim’s underwear away as she had her bra. She ran a single finger over Kim’s slit, then slipped it inside. Kim had heard that this was supposed to hurt, but she didn’t feel any pain, just a pleasure more intense than anything so far. Shego began to move her finger in and out, and her thumb brushed over Kim’s clit, and the heat in her stomach boiled over.

She screamed as she was hit with intense pleasure. Just as she felt her heart rate start to slow, Shego lowered her mouth and Kim felt her tongue go _inside_. Still sensitive from her first orgasm, it didn’t take long for her to reach a second one. Shego sat up and kissed Kim, long and hard, letting her taste herself on the other woman’s tongue. Then she sat back and waited for Kim to recover.

“So Kimmie, are you gonna say something here, or are you just gonna stare at the ceiling for a little longer?”

That snapped Kim out of her daze. “That was…wow.”

“Yeah that’s real articulate Princess. You know any words with more than one syllable?”

Kim rolled her eyes. “It was incredible.” _And she was way better than Ron would have been._

“Damn straight I was.” Kim realized she must have said that out loud. Which was strangely more embarrassing than the fact that she was sitting next to her archenemy, completely naked. “I’m offended that you’d even compare me to that buffoon.” She scoffed. “Probably just gets off and then leaves the girl to finish herself. You’re lucky you got me instead, Cupcake.” Kim nodded. She had been so worried about her first time being special but this…it didn’t matter that it was with Shego. It was more than she had ever imagined sex to be.

“Okay Kimmie, you just had sex for the first time. In your words, incredible sex. What the hell are you thinking about so hard right now?”

“Just that this made me forget about Ron for a little while.”

“Glad to wipe that look off your face then. Maybe you’ll actually be able to fight next time.”

Kim felt a slight twinge of something like disappointment. “So that’s it? You just wanted to come here, do this, and leave?”

“I told you Kimmie, you’re fucking hot. I wasn’t going to turn down a chance to fuck you. And it didn’t seem like you were complaining while I was doing it.” Kim’s face flushed. “Unless there’s something else you want, I’ll see you the next time Dr. D needs you to blow something up.”

Kim watched Shego stand up and walk through her bedroom door. She could think about this in the morning. For now, she just wanted to go to sleep and bask in this amazing feeling.

–oOo–

Kim slept in late on Saturday. It was a mistake since she had an exam on Tuesday, but since her life was already such a shit show, she decided she could put off studying for a little longer.

She had thought she was a mess when she found out that Ron cheated on her, but now it was even worse. She’d forgotten about her issues with Ron…by having sex with Shego. Insane, incredible sex — not that she had anything to compare it to — with her enemy. Even worse, she couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Even if she had told someone about Ron, there was no way she could explain this. She’d always thought of herself as straight, but would a straight girl have enjoyed that so much?

She shook her head to clear her thoughts, and ran through her current list of problems. _I have a former best friend and ex-boyfriend who cheated on me for two and a half years. And my only distraction so far has been having sex with Shego. Who is evil. And a woman. So now I’m single, questioning my sexuality, can talk to no one, and I have a calc exam on Tuesday that I haven’t studied for._

Kim gathered her books and went to the library. The exam was definitely the easiest to fix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly this is not going to be a slow burn, at least physically. But it's tagged complicated relationships for a reason. There's a lot of smut in the next couple chapters, but after that you'll get to see more of the plot (even though the sex is definitely relevant to the plot).


	2. 6 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm is a huge part of this chapter. There will be a summary at the end, and I'll continue to put warnings in the chapter notes.
> 
> If you notice a trigger that wasn’t mentioned in the notes (in any chapter), please let me know immediately so I can add it!

Kim fell into a routine in the week after the breakup. Wake up feeling like shit. Go for a run until she was too tired to feel like shit. Go to class. Study in the library. Go home and cry about Ron. Think about Shego to distract herself from Ron. Save the world as needed. She was miserable, but she never fell apart the way she had with Shego. She almost made it to the end of the week. She would have, if Dementor hadn’t made a move to take over the world on Friday.

When she arrived at the lair, she was able to reach the main room without being attacked. _This is…definitely weird._ “Fraulein Possible? How are you here?”

“Looks like your henchmen may have taken the day off. So are you going to give up, or do we have to do this the hard way?”

“No, no, where are they? They were not supposed to attack you, they were supposed to get your improbable boyfriend so you would have to save him, allowing me to launch my Ray of Doom.” That was surprisingly well planned, but Kim wasn’t impressed.

“The _improbable boyfriend_ isn’t here. It’s just me today.”

“Oh, is he no longer your boyfriend? This is good news, Fraulein Possible! It was always very hard to believe you had settled for him, you know. It is good that you are now free to find someone better. Perhaps someone who can keep his pants on, but not someone who is too capable. I do not want someone who is able to wreck my plans.”

Kim’s throat felt tight. “Well that’s too bad Dementor, because I’m able to wreck this one on my own!”

“No! You will not succeed!” And with that, he pushed a yellow button on the console next to him, and the ray in the middle of the room started spinning. Kim wasn’t sure what it did or where it would hit, but she knew from experience that it couldn’t be good. Using her grappling hook, she swung around one of the legs supporting the ray. It collapsed, and the ray was suddenly aiming into the lair rather than away from it. For once, Kim didn’t feel bad as the building was torn apart.

She was crying before she even reached her apartment. First Shego and now Dementor told her that she shouldn’t be with Ron, that she was better off without him, that the whole thing had been a mistake. She tried push past it, but in reality it _hurt._ Ron had been with her for her entire life, and she had really loved him. Possibly _still_ loved him, even though he had hurt her. She couldn’t pretend it had meant nothing. Then she was struck by the realization that it _had_ meant nothing to him. He’d been dating someone else for more than half of their relationship. She had fallen in love with a lie.

Kim tried to think about what Monique would say. She could call her and find out, but she didn’t want Monique to see her like this. Everyone thought she was so strong, and she didn’t want them to see her when she was weak and crying. She knew Monique wouldn’t blame her for being upset, but she would also tell her that a boy who cheated on her wasn’t worth her tears. And her friend Jess had always said that she needed to break up with Ron and find someone else anyway. Everyone would tell her to forget about him and move on to something better.

She felt herself start to fall apart all over again. They would expect her to smile and laugh it off like the past four years hadn’t happened, like she had never dreamed about their future together. Everyone was going to expect her to act like it was “no big” but it wasn’t. It was so big, and she was supposed to…Kim realized she was shaking. Her chest felt tight, like the pressure to be okay was physically crushing her, and it was hard to breathe. This had to stop.

She remembered the last time she had felt like this. Like everyone expected her to be something she wasn’t. Something she couldn’t be. _Don’t do it._ She pressed her palms against the kitchen counter to stop the shaking and squeezed her eyes shut. _I never understood why you stuck with him in the first place._ Her eyes were burning. She knew what Monique would want from her. She knew what Jess would want from her. _Don’t do it._ She knew who they wanted her to be, and she couldn’t meet their expectations.

Kim walked into her bedroom and pulled out a small container she hadn’t touched in years, one that she’d promised to never touch again. _Don’t do this._ Opening it, she stared at the thin razor blades that she’d never thrown away. She remembered the sharp pain, the way the expectations had all fallen away. For just a moment, she'd been able to leave all of that behind and forget the person they wanted her to be. _I can’t be that person._ She pulled off her pants. _I’m supposed to be okay._ She picked up one of the razors. _I’m not okay._ Her fingers brushed across the thin scars on the outside of her thigh as she held the razor next to her leg. _I can do anything._ With a gasp, she dropped the razor back into the container and stumbled away from it. This wasn’t her only option — there was one other way she could escape the pressure.

She pulled on her pants and slipped the container into her pocket before taking out the Kimmunicator. “Hey Wade. Do you have the location of Drakken’s latest lair?”

“Yep, I’ll send the coordinates to you now. Do you need me to arrange a ride and call Ron?”

Kim winced. “No to both the ride and Ron, Wade.”

“Kim are you okay? You don’t sound okay.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Okay…I don’t know why you need to find Drakken’s lair, but be careful.”

“Thanks Wade. You rock.”

Kim wasn’t surprised to find that Shego’s room was in its own wing. Unsure of what to do, she knocked. “Dr. D, what have I told you? I’m off on Friday nights, you don’t get to—“ Shego stopped and extinguished her hands. “What do you want Kimmie?”

Kim bit her lip and asked in a small voice, “Can I come in?”

“Fine, I don’t want a henchman to see you out here and ask why I haven’t blasted you yet.” Kim thought the henchmen were probably too terrified to go anywhere near Shego’s room, but she decided not to mention that. As she entered, she took a moment to look around. She would have expected it to be green and black, but it was mostly just black, and looked more like a small apartment than a single room. Shego herself was wearing black jeans and a green t-shirt instead of the normal catsuit. She crossed her arms and glared at Kim. “Kay Kimmie, now you can tell me what the hell you’re doing in my room at 11:30 at night.”

Kim suddenly realized that she hadn’t thought this through. She’d been so focused on getting to Shego that she had no idea what to say now that she was actually here. Rather than speaking, she walked over to the older woman, wrapped her arms around her neck, and pulled her down to kiss her, hard and desperate. It only lasted a few seconds before Shego pushed her away.

“What the _hell_ are you doing?”

“I, um, I just…”

“You just _what_ Princess? You just thought you were going to waltz in here like we were friends or something?” Every word hit her as hard as one of Shego’s punches. Maybe this was a mistake. After all, Shego had been the first person to tell her she should be fine. What if she refused to help her escape the pressure?

“I um…I needed to forget about everything for a little while. You helped me forget.”

“You came to your archenemy’s lair, into my private goddamn bedroom, just because you wanted to have _sex?_ ”

Kim shakily pulled the container out of her pocket and passed it to Shego. She watched as Shego opened it, and caught a flicker of something on her face before she closed it and put it on her desk.

“I need a different distraction. I don’t want to…I can’t.” She lifted her head to look Shego in the eyes. “Please just help me forget.”

Shego sat down on her bed and pointed at a chair. “Sit. We’re talking.”

“But that’s not—”

“Here’s how this is gonna go. You’re going to sit there and we’re going to talk, and then I’m going to fuck you so hard that you forget your own damn name.” Kim shuddered at the words and already felt heat pool in her stomach. “But that doesn’t happen unless you talk.”

“What am I supposed to talk about?”

“Those razors. You’re going to talk about those.”

Kim flinched at Shego’s bluntness and looked at the ground as she started to speak. “When I was in high school I um…Everyone expected me to be perfect. I was captain of the cheer squad, I organized the school dances, I led community service projects. I had to do it all, and keep up my grades, and save the world. The family slogan is ‘anything is possible for a Possible,’ but I wasn’t supposed to just do anything…I was supposed to do everything. The news was all over me, and they just…they wanted me to act happy all the time. I wasn’t supposed to have any problems. They wanted my life to be perfect and they wanted _me_ to be perfect. And I wasn’t. I couldn’t be.” Kim spoke haltingly as she continued, “There were so many expectations and I…I couldn’t do it. When that happened, I needed to stop feeling it. I just…I didn’t feel anything with the razors. It…there weren’t any expectations. I could forget about everything else. I could escape.” Kim had never spoken about this before, and to her surprise, it was almost a relief to share it with someone, even if that person was Shego.

Shego’s voice was strangely gentle as she asked, “Why now?”

“Everything hurts. I was doing okay and then today I saw Dementor and…he said all of the same things you did. That I should be glad that I’m not dating Ron anymore. And I realized…our relationship was never real. He never cared. And all of my friends are going to say I’m better off with him and they’ll expect me to be okay, but it just hurts so much. It’s going to be just like before and I...I just…I can’t do it, it’s too much. I can’t be what they want me to be, and the razors…I thought I could escape again. But I don’t want to use them. They scare me so much and I…I need a different distraction. Shego, please…”

Shego walked over to Kim and sat on the chair, straddling her. She gently wiped Kim’s tears away. She hadn’t even realized she was crying. “This conversation definitely isn’t over. But I do believe I promised to make you forget your name, and I think that’s exactly the sort of distraction you’re looking for.” Kim nodded and Shego leaned forward, whispering into her ear, “My room is soundproofed. Feel free to make as much noise as you want.” And she covered Kim’s lips with hers, effectively silencing any response.

Shego pulled Kim off the chair and walked her backwards until she hit the wall, pushing her tongue into Kim’s mouth. She pressed her body flush against Kim’s, making her moan. The razors flashed in her mind like neon signs, and she poured her desperation into the kiss. Shego’s hands ran up and down her body, moving under Kim’s shirt and touching her breasts. It was singularly ungentle, and it was everything she wanted. None of the expectations mattered anymore. The only think she could think about was Shego, in her mouth, between her legs, against her chest. She tugged on Kim’s shirt and ordered, “Take this off. Now.”

She felt incredibly reckless, stripping in her enemy’s bedroom. “Yours too.”

Shego growled, but pulled her shirt over her head, leaving her in a black lace bra. Kim was suddenly self-conscious about her plain white one, but all thoughts were lost as Shego pushed her back against the wall and looked down at her. “I believe I was in the middle of something.”

She kissed Kim again, reaching down to pull off her belt. Kim moaned at the feeling of Shego’s bare torso pressed against hers for the first time. Shego’s body was smooth and warm and oh god Shego’s hand was in her underwear and Kim was already so wet even though they’d barely started. Shego slid two fingers into her, and Kim tried to move her hips forward to meet them, but was firmly held in place by Shego’s other hand. Her fingers moved in and out at a harsh, punishing rhythm, and Kim knew she couldn’t possibly last very long like this, but she loved it, because she couldn’t think of anything except the pleasure that was rapidly overtaking her. Just as she felt herself getting close, Shego’s hand slowed.

Kim opened her eyes. “Why?”

“Remember Kimmie, my goal is to make you forget your name. I promise this will be worth the wait.”

With that, Shego started up again, the same punishing rhythm, bringing Kim so close that she could practically see her orgasm before slowing her hand, then speeding up again, over and over. Kim was vaguely aware of her pants and underwear hitting the floor, and Shego pulling her legs around her waist so most of Kim’s weight was supported the wall. She shoved Kim’s bra up and took one of her nipples between her teeth. Every molecule in her body felt like it would combust, and Kim surrendered herself completely to the wash of slow, torturous pleasure. She didn’t have to think, didn’t have to feel. She could just exist, with Shego’s hands on her chest and inside her and her hands tangled in Shego’s hair. Kim leaned forward to kiss her roughly, and nothing outside of that moment mattered.

Eventually, Shego pulled Kim off the wall and, still moving her hand slowly between her legs, lowered her onto her back on the bed. Shego knelt at the foot of the bed, one hand moving rapidly inside Kim, the other playing teasingly over her breasts. Shego lowered her head and sucked hard on Kim’s clit and twisted her fingers _just so_ and Kim arched off the bed and screamed, thighs clamping around Shego’s head. In that moment she couldn’t think, couldn’t move, couldn’t remember her own name. She forgot about Ron and Dementor and the fact that she was supposed to be okay. She could only lay there and _exist_ as she was hit with waves of pleasure that were so intense that she had to fight to stay conscious.

When she felt like she could move again, she looked up and saw Shego standing at the foot of the bed, smirking down at her. “I told you it was worth the wait.”

“Yeah you uh. Wow.”

“Again with the one syllable words, Kimmie.”

Kim swung her legs off the bed and sat up as if to leave, but she didn’t want this moment to end. Once it did, she would have to go back to the reality of the pain and pressure that existed outside of Shego’s room. She suddenly recalled her recklessness from earlier. She was naked in her archenemy’s bed, having just had a mind-blowing orgasm at the hands of that enemy. She knew how she could make this last a little longer. “Shego…I um…” There were definitely good pickup lines for this sort of thing, but Kim’s heart was pounding in her chest and she couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Spit it out Princess.”

“I…fuck.” Kim couldn’t get the words out.

“Is that an offer?” Shego laughed.

“Yes.”

Shego’s laughter stopped as she took in the look on Kim’s face. “You’re serious.”

Kim took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. “Yes. But I um…I don’t know how…Can you help me?”

Shego slowly removed the rest of her clothes, maintaining eye contact the whole time. “Yeah Kimmie, I can definitely help you.”

Unlike Kim, Shego was confident in her nudity. And she had every reason to be. Shego was all smooth, toned muscles and large breasts that swayed as she walked towards Kim. She put a finger under Kim’s chin to close her mouth, which had fallen open without her permission, then tilted her head up even further. “My eyes are up here, Princess.” Then she leaned down and kissed her slowly.

Kim felt like she was in a trance as Shego pushed her further onto the bed and straddled her lap. _What the hell am I doing?_

Shego took one of Kim’s hands and lifted it to rest against her breast. Slowly, she moved it back and forth, brushing over the top and side, putting a little more pressure on the nipple. Kim was captivated by the way Shego’s nipple hardened under her fingers, and she hesitantly raised her other hand to imitate Shego’s actions on the other side of her chest.

Remembering something that Shego had done to her, she leaned down took one of Shego’s nipples in her mouth, sucking on it gently, still tracing her hand over the other. Kim’s heartbeat was pounding in her ears and she couldn’t take her eyes off Shego’s naked body. After a minute, she pulled back.

“Shego, I don’t…am I doing this right?”

Rather than answering, Shego grabbed one of Kim’s hands and trailed it down her neck, between her breasts, all the way to the space between her legs. Kim gasped at the wetness she found there. As she pulled her hand away, Shego took Kim’s fingers into her mouth and sucked them clean, and she thought it was the most erotic thing she had ever seen. “I think you should keep going.”

Unsure of what to do next, Kim leaned in and kissed Shego again, full of heat as their tongues pressed together. She rolled one of Shego’s nipples between her fingers, a little harder than before, and Shego moaned into her mouth. Kim felt a strange thrill at knowing she was the one who had caused it, and she wanted to hear it again.

Kim traced patterns across Shego’s ribs and stomach. Nothing existed outside of her hands and Shego’s body. The events of the past week weren’t real. It was just Kim’s fingers against Shego’s skin. She felt so smooth and this…this felt so natural. Shego moaned again as Kim’s hands went lower, tracing up and down her thighs.

“Come on Kimmie.”

Kim jumped at the sound of Shego’s voice, then moved her hand to the spot where Shego really wanted her to go. She moaned when she felt how wet she was, even more than before. Then she hesitated. “Shego I…can you help me again?”

Without speaking, Shego grabbed Kim’s hand and shoved it further between her legs, guiding her fingers until they found her opening. Kim slipped one finger in slowly, then moved it back out, just as slow.

Shego’s voice sounded strained as she said, “I can handle a little more Kimmie.”

Kim immediately added another finger and started moving them faster. With her other hand, she found Shego’s clit.

“Just like than Princess. C’mon go a little faster.”

Kim moved her fingers quickly in and out of Shego, captivated by the wet warmth surrounding them, the way Shego rolled her hips forward to meet them. She felt her breathing quicken in excitement when Shego started to clench around her fingers, eventually coming with a long moan.

Kim slowly removed her fingers and stared at the liquid coating them before wiping them on the sheets.

Shego moved away from Kim, and she took that as her hint to get off the bed. “So was that the distraction you were looking for Kimmie?”

“Yeah. That was exactly what I was looking for. So what now?”

“What do you mean ‘what now’? Now is the part where you go home. You made your way in, you can make your way out.” Shego leaned back against her pillows and closed her eyes, then opened them when she realized she hadn’t heard the door shut. “You’re still here. And clearly you weren’t planning on leaving, since you’re still naked. If you have something to say, spit it out.”

“Are we doing this again?”

Shego sighed and sat up. “Well after last week I would have said no, but we’re definitely not going to be making a habit out of this, hear me Kimmie?”

Kim nodded and pulled her clothes on. As she turned to leave, she picked up the container with the razors.

“Nope, those stay here.” When Kim didn’t put them down, Shego lit up one hand. “You’re in the middle of Drakken’s lair. I can start blasting and bring a fuck ton of henchmen down on you, or you can put those the hell down and leave. And we’re going to be finishing this conversation on Tuesday night, so you’d better be in your apartment, clothed and sober.” Kim put the container back on the desk. “Good girl. Now get the hell out and go to bed.”

–oOo–

Kim made her way out of Drakken’s lair, and wandered the streets instead of going to sleep. That night had solved one of her problems at least — she was definitely not straight. Not with the way she had reacted to Shego’s naked body. And the sex had been…well, she wasn’t lying when she said it was exactly what she needed. It was just like the razors except…good. Pleasure instead of pain. When Shego kissed her, the rest of the world melted away. There were no expectations. She remembered the feeling of Shego clamping down on her fingers, and the way she moaned when she finally came. She brought her fingers to her face and sniffed them, smiling when she realized they still smelled like Shego.

Unfortunately, there was still one issue left on her list. Ron. Rather than facing that problem, she continued walking, barely paying attention to where she was going. Eventually, she ended up back on campus, and climbed onto the roof of the tallest building. Hopefully campus security wasn’t paying attention. Sitting at the edge of the roof, looking out at the city, Kim suddenly found a sense of calm that she hadn’t experienced since the breakup.

She pulled out her Kimmunicator, and Wade yawned as he answered. “Hey Kim…you know it’s 3 in the morning, right?”

“Were you asleep? I can call tomorrow…”

“Nah, I was playing Everlot with some friends in Russia. Besides, if you’re calling now, it must be important.” Kim nodded, and felt a few tears slide down her face. “Wait Kim, are you crying?”

Kim quickly brushed at her cheeks, wiping the tears away. “Yeah I um…Ron and I broke up. He cheated on me. For two years.”

“No way, Ron loves you! It must have been a misunderstanding.”

She shook her head. “No, he texted me when he thought he was texting Yori and I called him and he just…admitted to everything.”

“Wow, I’m so sorry Kim. I never thought he would do something like that. The two of you always seemed so happy.”

Kim choked back a sob. _I will not break down in front of Wade._ “Yeah well, I thought so too. But I just wanted to let you know, no more Ron for missions for a little while. I need to go it alone for a bit.”

“Okay if you say so…anything else I can help with?”

“For now…don’t tell my family. I haven’t told anyone yet, and I just need some more time to figure things out, okay?”

“Sure Kim, but you’ll have to tell them eventually. But for now, my lips are sealed.”

“Thanks Wade.”

Kim turned off the Kimmunicator and hugged her knees to her chest. Sitting there, looking out over the city she called home, Kim rested her chin against her knees. She stayed there for hours, watching the sky shift from black to a pre-dawn grey, before turning to a pale blue mixed with streaks of pink and orange clouds.

When the entire sky was blue, she climbed down and made her way back to her apartment, completely exhausted after spending the whole night awake. Right before she fell asleep, she wondered _Why was I okay breaking down with Shego if I could barely cry in front of Wade?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary:  
> After an encounter with Dementor, Kim was overwhelmed by the expectation to act like she wasn’t affected by the breakup. Due to these expectations, she considered harming herself (which she had done in the past, for similar reasons). As a last resort, she went to Shego for a distraction. Shego forced her to sit down and talk about it, and then they had sex. Shego told Kim she would visit on Tuesday to finish their conversation. After Kim neft, she told Wade about Ron's cheating. He was shocked, and agreed to keep it a secret from her family for the time being.
> 
> For people who read the full chapter:  
> I rewrote this 5 or 6 times, trying to decide if Kim’s emotions were realistic. After a lot of thought, I decided that, even without speaking to her friends directly, it’s very possible that she could feel like she’ll be pressured into the same situation originally caused her to harm herself, which could push her to do it again.


	3. 11 days since breakup

On Saturday, Kim was woken by the sound of her phone ringing. She answered without looking at the caller. “Hello?”

“Kim, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in like a week.” She immediately recognized the speaker as her friend Jess.

“I went to lab, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, and you were barely there! We seriously need to hang.”

“Can we do it later? It’s still early.”

“It’s not early, it’s 11:30. I’ll be at your place at 1. I’ll bring takeout.” Jess hung up without waiting for an answer. Kim buried her head in her pillow and groaned. 11:30 felt early after staying up til 7 to watch the sunrise. She pulled the blanket over her head and went back to sleep for another hour.

When she finally got out of bed, she thought about what she was going to tell Jess. She’d told Wade about Ron the night before and it had been okay…Maybe she could tell Jess. They’d never talked about anything this serious before and Jess had never met Ron, but Kim had spoken about him pretty often. She remembered her fears from the night before. _That was all in my head. Maybe the real Jess will be different._ Even as she thought it, she wasn’t sure. Jess didn’t like to dwell on negative feelings, she always just moved on to the next big thing; she might tell Kim to do the same.

Focused on these thoughts, Kim was startled when she heard a knock on the door. Jess walked in and put a bag on the counter. “Hey girl! We seriously need to have some us time. You left me hanging out with Alex on my own, and he’s not nearly as much fun as you are.”

Kim rolled her eyes. “You have friends in your sorority. You didn’t have to hang out with Alex all the time.”

“Yeah, but you’re way more fun. Anyway I brought food from that Chinese place on North Street, so let’s sit down and eat. And then we’re watching a movie. I brought wine, so it’s gonna be wine and movies.”

“Jess, it’s 1 in the afternoon. We have homework, we can’t just drink wine all day.”

“Well, fine for you then. We can eat and talk, then you can do whatever you need to do, and I’ll get started on the wine. It’ll be there when you want it.” Jess started taking food out of the bag and passed a container to Kim. “So what’s up with you girl? Why haven’t I seen you for the past week and a half?”

She hesitated before she spoke. _You’re way more fun._ “Nothing much, I’ve just been really busy with missions. Between that and homework and sleep, I haven’t had much time for anything else.”

“Oh who’s getting to you? Is it the exploding golf balls guy? The dude with the monkey feet? That crazy lady with the real-life Cuddle Buddies?”

“No, Shego and Drakken. I’ve been seeing a lot of them lately.” _Mostly just Shego_ , she added silently.

“Oh, blue boy and green girl? They better slow down before I beat them _black_ and blue for stealing my friend.”

Kim rolled her eyes. “I’m sure they’re terrified. But what’s new with you? Any new boys?”

“Actually, there’s this guy Michael, he plays soccer with Alex. Tall, blue hair, really hot, you know who I’m talking about?” Kim had no idea, but she nodded anyway. “Right, so I’ve been hanging with Alex a lot since you’ve been off saving the world, and one time we were at the library and Michael was there. Him and I started talking and we’ve been going out ever since.”

“Does he know don’t want anything serious?” Unlike Kim, Jess wasn’t interested in a long term relationship, and she always made it clear from the beginning that she only wanted a few casual dates. Kim couldn’t remember her being with the same person for more than a month, and most of them only lasted a week or two.

“Of course! You know I wouldn’t go for a guy who wanted something like that. But you know, there was this other guy from the soccer team who joined us a couple times. This little guy named Cameron, blonde hair, blue eyes…” At Kim’s clueless expression, she sighed in exasperation. “You really are hopeless. C’mon, blonde hair down to his shoulders, runs wicked fast, looks really cute when he smiles?” Kim nodded — that did sound kind of familiar. The last time they’d watched Alex play, she’d been impressed by how fast he was. “Well he seemed kinda disappointed that you weren’t there. Hung out with us a couple times and always asked about you, then dropped off when he saw you weren’t coming any time soon.”

“Jess look, I’m not really—“

“Girl, I’m going to stop you right there. I know you keep saying you’re not on the market because of Ron, but look around. I’m hooking up with a different guy each week, and you’re only getting laid once every couple months.” Kim’s face turned red, for a number of reasons. “Look, I know you’ve been with him for a while and all, but you’re never even _with_ him. You should just dump that boy and get with someone better. You know, Cameron did seem really interested. Seems like the kind of guy who could be looking for something serious.”

Kim’s throat felt tight. She’d been right. Jess thought she would be better off without Ron, thought she should get over him and move on to someone else. She couldn’t mention the breakup. She didn’t want to have to pretend she was okay with it. “I’m really not looking for anything right now.” That was the truth, at least. She needed time to get over Ron, and wasn’t ready to start anything new. _Except, apparently, with Shego._ “I think I’m going to do some homework.”

“Look, Kim, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s fine. I’m not upset, I just need to write a history paper.” Jess didn’t look convinced, and Kim forced herself to smile. “Really, it’s fine. While I’m working on my paper, you can pick the movie.”

“Sounds good. And like I said, I’ll break in the wine for you.”

Kim managed a laugh and walked into her room to get her laptop. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. Jess thought she should break up with Ron. She would expect Kim to be happy that they were done. _It’s okay. I don’t have to tell her yet._

–oOo–

On Tuesday night, Kim stayed in the library until it closed at 2am. When she arrived at her apartment, she found a note on her pillow. _It’s not nice to keep a girl waiting, Princess._ She dropped her bag to the floor. “Shit.”

She curled up with her pandaroo, and refused to think about Ron or Shego until she fell asleep.

–oOo–

Kim spent most of her free time on Wednesday wondering if Shego was going to come back that night. However, she had a presentation on Thursday morning, and once again got back to her apartment after midnight. There was no note on her pillow, and she wasn’t sure if she should be relieved or disappointed. _Why should I be disappointed?_ If Shego visited, they would have another painful conversation, which would probably cause her to cry _again_ , and Shego had made it pretty clear that there wasn’t going to be any sex to distract her this time. She shook it off and decided sleep deprivation was getting to her.

After her presentation on Thursday, Jess tried to drag her to get coffee with Cameron, the boy on the soccer team who apparently liked her. Despite her friend’s protests, Kim went back to her apartment to take a nap — between the breakup and homework, she’d barely been sleeping.

As on Saturday, she was woken by the phone ringing. This time, she checked who was calling, and almost dropped the phone in shock. _I really shouldn’t answer this_. “Hi Yori.”

“Hello, Kim-san. I understand that you may be very upset with me and my actions, but I wish to discuss this situation with you.”

Kim counted to ten in her head. Yori had hurt her by dating Ron behind her back, but worst part was the knowledge that he had dated someone else — _anyone_ else — without telling her. “I am upset with you, but I’m much more upset with Ron.”

“I understand. Ron-kun is not aware that I have called you. May I explain my perspective?” She took Kim’s silence as assent. “I was unaware that you and Ron-kun were still involved. He had told me that your relationship ended when he chose to return to Yamanouchi, and that your visits and communications were strictly as friends. It is much to my shame that I did not recognize this falsehood, and I wish to apologize for my role in hurting you.”

Kim counted to ten again while she tried to process the new information. “If you didn’t know, then I can’t be upset with you. It looks like Ron lied to both of us, and we both have plenty of reasons to be upset with him.” Yori didn’t answer, and Kim immediately understood the significance of her silence. “Yori…are you still dating Ron?”

“Yes, Kim-san, I am still involved with Ron-kun. While I recognize the fault in his actions and understand that he has hurt you, he has begged my forgiveness. I, too, have already given my heart to Ron-kun, and I do not wish to lose him. If you were in my position, what would you do?”

Kim tried to imagine the situation. What if Ron had dated Yori, said he broke up with her, and started dating Kim? What would Kim do if she fell in love with him and then discovered he had lied? _I would be glad he chose me._ Kim was stunned by the thought, but she knew it was true. She would be upset with him for lying, but it wouldn’t make their relationship any less real. If she was in Yori’s position…“I think I would do the same thing you did. But I don’t think it’s the right thing to do.”

“I agree. It is not honorable. But love does not always allow for honor. One last thing, Kim-san…this has been very difficult for Ron-kun. You have been his best friend for many years, and he is hurt by your lack of contact.”

“Yori, you promise you won’t tell Ron about this call?”

“I swear it upon my honor and the honor of my family.”

“I don’t think it’s fair to ask me to go back to being his best friend. The way he treated me…it’s not how he should treat his girlfriend or his best friend. I can’t be there for him just because he misses me. If you were in my situation, would you do anything differently?”

There was a long pause. “I would like to say that I would search my heart for the ability to forgive the one I loved. However, as I said before, love is not always honorable, and I believe Ron-kun acted without honor in this case. So it is possible that I would behave the way that you have, much to my shame and also to your shame. I can only hope that you do not hate me as well.”

“No, Yori, I don’t hate you. None of this is your fault.” They said their goodbyes and the call ended. _Well, I guess my nap is over._

Kim went over the conversation again as she made lunch. Once again, she tried to put herself Yori’s position. The fact that Ron had starting dating Yori made his relationship with Kim feel like a lie, but it might have made his relationship with Yori more meaningful. After all, Ron was dating another girl, a girl he had been friends with for his entire life, and still wanted to be with Yori. He wanted it so much that he’d started a relationship with her, not caring that he might lose Kim when it came out. Of course Yori was still with him. To her, this probably felt like a powerful sign of his love. Kim suddenly felt sick. How many times had Ron said he loved her? Had he meant any of them? How much more did he love Yori if he had thrown all of that away?

Kim realized how much bravery, how much _honor_ , it must have taken for Yori to call her, in spite of knowing how she might react. If their positions were reversed, she wasn’t sure if she could force herself to do that. But if Yori was brave enough to call her, Kim had to be brave enough to call her family and Monique. She resolved to call them tomorrow night.

Before she went to bed, she taped a note on the inside of her window. _Pick a different night._ If she talked to Shego, she would start thinking about all the reasons why she shouldn’t do this, especially since her fears about Jess’s response seemed to be justified. Kim knew she could force herself to ignore these fears long enough to call her family and Monique. But if she talked to Shego first, she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to go through with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter didn't have much of Kim and Shego, but I thought it was pretty important in providing some context for background for Kim's life and perspective. Hope you enjoyed even without Shego!


	4. 17 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual assault is a huge part of this chapter. I'll put a summary at the end, and I'll continue to put trigger warnings and summaries on chapters that discuss it heavily, but there will probably be minor mentions in a lot of chapters going forward. There will also be a minor mention of self-harm.

She was on her way to her first class on Friday when she got a call from Wade. “Drakken and Shego are stealing some sort of death ray. Your ride should be there in 15 minutes.”

“Thanks Wade, you rock.” She ran to hand in her homework before her ride arrived.

As she had for the past week, Kim adamantly refused to think about Shego on her way to the factory. The driver, a Ms. Cala that Kim pretended to remember, spent the entire drive talking about her farm, apparently unbothered by Kim’s lack of response. She allowed herself to focus on the mindless chatter, and tried to push all thoughts of Shego out of her mind. Still, she was so distracted that she didn’t realize they had stopped until Ms. Cala asked her to get out.

As she crept into the factory, she heard, “Well you see Shego, with this machine I will be able to—“

“Take over the world?” Kim finished.

“Kim Possible! And the um… I can never remember his name. I don’t see him.”

Kim’s confident façade dropped for less than a second, but she knew Shego caught it. “You know Doc, if Kimmie wants to make our lives easier by showing up alone, I’m not going to argue.”

“Yes Shego, you make an excellent point. Get her!”

Kim jumped out of the way as Shego lunged at her. Unlike their last fight, this one had all of the intensity that they were accustomed too. Eventually, Kim ended up on her back with Shego on top of her. This had happened in plenty of other fights, but this time Shego pressed her body close to Kim’s. She gasped at the feeling of Shego’s breasts against hers and her thighs pressing down around her hips, and she didn’t try to throw the villainess off. Shego whispered, “I was so sad when you broke our date on Tuesday,” and leaned in as if she was about to kiss her. Kim’s eyes closed automatically and she felt Shego’s breath on her lips. But instead of kissing her, the thief jumped off and grabbed the rope dangling from Drakken’s helicopter. “Until next time, Princess.”

Kim blinked as she stood up. What had just happened? Did she need Ron to beat Drakken and Shego? Was she too thrown off by Shego’s antics? She couldn’t deny that she was attracted to the older woman, but she hadn’t expected her to use it against her like that. _Well, why not? She’s evil._ Kim had thought the sex was something special, something that existed outside the realm of their fights. She hated Shego for using that against her.

 _Fuck Shego. I don’t need her for anything._ Determined to have a good time and forget about the older woman, she dressed that night in a sleeveless black dress that fit her like a second skin and showed a little more cleavage than she was used to. She added a necklace that landed just above the v of the dress, drawing attention to the extra skin, then applied some makeup and looked in the mirror. She felt wild and young and reckless and absolutely nothing like herself.

The club had a long line outside, but Kim had saved the owner’s daughter from a rabid dog and was always allowed in immediately. She had a drink that tasted like fruit and made her head spin, then allowed herself to be pulled onto the dance floor. She danced for two hours, losing herself in the music, and sat down to have another drink before leaving. _This was exactly what I needed._ Pleased with how her night had turned out, Kim started to walk home. When she was a couple blocks away from the bar, however, she felt someone grab her arm and drag her into a narrow alley between two buildings.

She was slammed against the wall before she could even try to fight back, and through the dark spots in her vision, she recognized one of the people she had danced with. He was young, her age maybe, with wild blond hair and brown eyes that looked black in the dark. In the back of her mind, she realized he must have followed her from the club. “We had a lot of fun in there, right? I was thinking we could have some more fun out here.” He slid his hand up her exposed thigh, and suddenly the dress made her feel vulnerable instead of confident.

She shook her head. “Please let me go.” She tried to push him away, but she was dizzy from the alcohol and the impact of her head hitting the wall.

He laughed as she kicked at him, stepping out of the way while keeping his hands on her shoulders. “Well, they always talk about feisty redheads. Don’t worry, I don’t mind a girl who gives a bit of a fight.” He leaned in and she smelled the vodka on his breath. He pressed his lips against hers and forcibly shoved his tongue into her mouth. She tried to scream around his tongue and push him away, but he just laughed and moved one hand to rest against her throat, applying just enough pressure to restrict her breathing. She froze in fear. “That’s much better.”

When he started to put his hand under her dress, she began fighting again, kicking out at him and trying to push away the hand on her neck. He increased the pressure on her throat until she was lightheaded from the loss of air. As he shoved her dress over her waist, she heard a familiar voice say, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Out of the corner of her eye, Kim saw a flash of green plasma. Without the pressure of his hand on her neck, she fell to the ground, gasping for air.

“Hey, are you okay? Do you— Kim! What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I was um…”

“You were going back to your apartment before another asshole could shove his hands under your dress,” Shego finished firmly.

“Yeah. That’s what I was doing.” Her voice sounded weak and distant, even to herself.

Kim pulled down her dress and stood up slowly. Shego took off her jacket, leaving her in a tight green dress with long sleeves, and wrapped it around Kim’s shoulders. She grabbed the younger girl’s arm and started walking. Kim barely paid attention to where they were going, too caught up in the feeling of that man’s hands against her skin. She could still feel his tongue against her teeth and his fingers on her thigh and his hand squeezing her neck. Silent tears started to fall down her cheeks.

She didn’t even notice they had reached her apartment until they were inside. After taking one look at Kim’s face, Shego directed her to the bathroom and gently pushed her towards the shower. As Kim took off her dress, she thought about his hands under the fabric. When the water hit her, she felt his hand tightening on her neck. She pressed her forehead against the tile and forced herself to take slow, deep breaths. Slowly, she went through the steps of washing her body. When it didn’t get rid of the feeling of his hands, she did it again, and a third time. She stepped out of the shower, put on the pajamas Shego had laid out for her, and left the bathroom to find the other woman sitting on her couch.

She sat next to her, buried her head in her knees, and cried. Shego put a hand on Kim’s shoulder, and immediately let go when she flinched. It made her cry even more. Despite all the times she’d tried to hurt her, Shego’s hand was not his hand. Shego’s hand was not his hand.

Without looking up, she whispered, “I feel so dirty. He…I shouldn’t have had that drink. I should have been able to fight back. I fight people all the time and…if I had been sober I could have… And maybe if I hadn’t worn that dress, he wouldn’t have…”

“Kimmie, this is not your fault.”

Kim continued as is she hadn’t heard her. “He…he kissed me. I couldn’t breathe and he…he had his hand under my dress. He was going to…” At this point, she broke down into sobs, unable to finish the sentence.

Shego moved closer and wrapped her arms around Kim. “Listen to me Kim, you did nothing wrong here. Nothing. You’re allowed to go out and have a drink and wear that dress, and no one _ever_ has the right to do that to you. It’s not your fault.”

Kim turned so she could wrap her arms around Shego’s neck and cried into her shoulder. “It feels like it’s my fault,” she whispered.

“I know Kimmie, I know.” Feeling safe and warm in Shego’s arms, Kim drifted off to sleep.

–oOo–

_His hand pressed against her throat and she was dizzy from the lack of air. She fought to stay conscious as he shoved her dress above her waist and pulled down her underwear. He reached for his pants and—_ Kim woke in a cold sweat. Shego had been there. She’d stopped him. That hadn’t happened.

She was surprised to find herself in her bed, but she got up and took another shower. She noticed that the clothes she’d left on the floor were gone. She was glad. She didn’t know if she ever wanted to see them again. Too afraid to go back to bed, she decided to distract herself with homework. She pulled out a chemistry assignment and focused on one question, then another, and another. By the time she finished, her hands were shaking. She put down her pencil and _his hand sliding up her thigh_ put the papers into a folder. She pulled out her laptop and _the taste of vodka in his mouth_ opened her partially completed history homework. She reread the assigned questions and _his hand on her throat_ opened the textbook to look for answers. It was 6:30am. She had no idea what time she’d gone to sleep or how long she’d been awake. She started to type, but _his eyes staring into hers_ she had to stop, pressing forehead against the table while she tried to stop hyperventilating.

_I’m Kim Possible. I can do anything._

She put on her running shoes, hoping that a run would clear her head. In reality, it was more stressful than stress relieving. She tensed every time she ran past an alley, every time someone moved too close, every time she saw a boy with blonde hair. Still, she finished her run. _I can’t let this break me. I have to be okay._

When she got back to her apartment, she had a message from Jess, asking if she wanted to meet to work on a lab report. _No. I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to see you._ She agreed to meet at 8pm.

She spent the rest of the day staring at her computer and blocking out any memories of the past two weeks, especially last night. She meant to do homework, but somehow she ended up wrapped in a blanket on the couch, eating chocolate ice cream out of the carton and watching Derry Girls on Netflix. As she put the ice cream away, she glanced at the time on the microwave. _Shit._ It was already 8:05. Kim grabbed her backpack and ran to the library.

Jess was already at a table. “I thought you were ditching me here.”

Kim managed a smile. “It was tempting, but my name goes on the report too.”

She sat down next to Jess and pulled out her laptop. This felt so…normal. Sitting at a table, working with a friend. She hadn’t done this since before…everything. Before Ron, before Shego, before _him._

“Hello, earth to Kim?”

“Sorry, what?”

“I _said_ we’re done except for the graphs, and I’m gonna force Alex to do those. He needs to pull his weight for once.” Kim nodded, still a little distracted. “Something’s up with you today. C’mon, we’re going.”

“Going where?” Kim asked as she followed Jess.

Rather than answering, Jess started walking in the direction of Greek housing. Kim expected Jess to walk towards her sorority house so they could hang out in her room. A quiet night with her friend sounded perfect. But as they got closer, Jess turned in the direction of the frat houses. “Jess…where are we going?”

“Over there! C’mon!” Jess pointed towards a house, where a couple people sat outside, clearly drunk. Even from a distance, she could hear the music.

“N-no that’s okay, I think I’ll just head home.”

“Girl, I haven’t seen you all week, we are going to go to this party and we are going to have fun.”

Kim tried to walk away, but Jess grabbed her arm _his hand on her arm_ and tugged her with her. Kim felt a surge of panic as they entered the house. The press of bodies, the loud music, the smell of alcohol, it all reminded her of the club. Jess pressed a drink into her hand and smiled. Kim kept herself calm for one minute, five minutes, fifteen minutes. Finally, she told Jess she needed some air and stepped outside, leaning against the side of the house. She took a few deep breaths and felt her heart pounding in her chest. _It’s okay. I’m okay. I can do anything._

Jess threw an arm around Kim as soon as she walked back in, clearly a little drunk already. “Kim! There’s a hella cute guy here and I tried to put some moves on him if you know what I mean. But his _hot_ friend told me he has a thing for redheads.”

Kim tried to push Jess away. “Thanks Jess, but I—”

Jess cut her off. “Look Kim, I know you’re still kind of with Ron, but you gotta meet this guy. Hey I see him! Hey! Hey Mark! This is my friend Kim! Kim Possible! She saves the world!”

The boy walked over. “Oh, hi Kim. I’m Mark.” He reached to shake hands with her, then paused. “You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?” Kim just stared at his outstretched hand.

“Of _course_ she looks familiar. She saves the world! You’ve totally seen her on TV and she’s been in those student news emails like a million times and—”

She didn’t stay to hear the rest. Without even trying to make an excuse, she pulled away from Jess and ran from the house as fast as she could. _His hand against her throat cutting off her breathing, his hand on her thigh pushing up her dress, his hands on her shoulders holding her against the wall._ She was still running when someone grabbed her arm and pulled her back _pulling her into the alley and slamming her against a wall_. She spun and punched them in the head. Shego let go and ducked under the blow. “Kimmie, it’s me. He’s not here.”

Kim shook her head, but before she could say anything, she heard Jess’s voice, speaking between gasps. “Girl, where are you going when you could’ve been with a man like that?” She turned to Shego. “And who are you?”

Shego looked back and forth between the girl and Kim. “I’m her…sparring partner. We were supposed to fight tonight.” The lie felt awkward, even to her.

Jess bought it. “Okay, well I can give your number to Mark so you two can—”

“How about you get his number and give it to her instead? Guys like it when girls make the first move, right?” Shego interjected.

“Yeah you’re right, I can do that.”

“Don’t you have a party to be at?”

“Well no need to get all sassy. Kim, I’ll see you later and I _will_ have Mark’s number for you.”

As Jess left, Shego once again led Kim to her apartment and pulled her to sit next to her on the couch. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Kim snapped. “Why do you give a damn Shego? You spend all this time reminding me that you’re my enemy and _maybe_ someone you want to fuck. And now suddenly you’re treating me like a friend. What the fuck is that about?” It was probably the most she’d ever cursed at one time, but it felt really good to say it.

Despite Kim’s anger, Shego’s voice was calm as she answered, “We’re not friends, and I’m still going to kick your ass the next time we fight. But no one deserves what happened to you last night. You need someone to be there for you. And since you haven’t told anyone about Ron, I don’t think you’re going to ask for help now. I already know, so I can be here.”

“I told Wade. About Ron.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. “What happened tonight?” Kim just shook her head. Shego moved closer and pulled Kim into her arms, in the same position she’d fallen asleep last night. “Why were you at that party Princess?”

Kim buried her face in Shego’s neck and closed her eyes. “I didn’t…I was doing homework with Jess and then she wouldn’t let me leave and I couldn’t do it. I can do anything but I can’t handle a party.” She laughed bitterly. “She said there was this guy _his hand against her neck_ that she wanted me to meet.”

“Mark?”

“Yeah. Apparently he has a thing for redheads _they always talk about feisty redheads_ and she went to introduce me and it was _him_. I can’t do it, Shego, I can’t do it.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to. I promise you don’t have to.”

She sat in the safety of Shego’s arms until she was struck with a question. “Hey Shego?” She shifted so she could look up at her. Their faces were so close, much closer than she realized. Shego’s eyes were a brilliant emerald green and they were filled with concern, but also something hard that Kim couldn’t identify. She wondered what Shego saw in her eyes.

“Yes Princess?”

“When you saved me last night, you didn’t know it was me.” It wasn’t a question; Shego had seemed genuinely shocked to see her there.

“Like I said, no one deserves to go through that.”

Kim suddenly realized that Shego had no reason to be near her school…unless she was coming back to check on her. “Would you be doing this for anyone else?”

“Probably not.”

“Then why me?”

“Like I said Princess, my job is to kick your ass. I can’t do that when you’re like this, it’s cheating.”

She buried her head in Shego’s shoulder again. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Once again, she drifted to sleep in Shego’s arms. _He pressed on her throat until she passed out from the lack of air. When she woke up, he was still holding her up by her neck but her dress was gone. She grabbed his shirt to push him away and—_ She woke up screaming and clinging to Shego, who was still on the couch with her. She touched Kim’s cheek. “Kimmie look at me. He’s not here.” Kim’s breathing gradually slowed and she nodded. Shego pulled her down to rest against her again. “Go back to sleep.”

“Will you stay?”

Shego hesitated for a couple seconds, drinking in the fear and desperation in Kim’s face. “Yeah Princess, I’ll stay. I’ll keep you safe.”

Kim relaxed back into Shego’s arms and fell asleep again.

–oOo–

When Kim woke up in the morning, she was in her bed and was still curled up against Shego, and the older woman’s arm was wrapped around her waist. She felt so safe, so protected…she couldn’t remember if she’d ever felt like that before. With a start, she realized that the body she was pressed against was almost completely naked. She yelped and pulled away.

“Good morning Cupcake. Sleep well?”

“You’re not wearing clothes.”

“I didn’t have pajamas.”

Kim leaned forward and kissed Shego, gently at first, but pressing more and more into the kiss, trying to push her to lay down. Shego pulled away.

“I can’t help you forget this Kim.”

“Then why are you even here?”

Without a word, Shego climbed out of bed and put on her clothes from the night before. She didn’t even glance at Kim as she left, closing the door behind her. Kim curled up with her pandaroo, and Shego’s words echoed through her mind.

_You need someone to be there._

_I already know, so I can be here._

_I’ll stay. I’ll keep you safe._

Kim pressed her face into her pillow and let everything wash over her. Ron’s message. The boy — Mark — pushing her against the wall. Shego’s body against hers when they kissed. Shego holding her as she fell asleep. _What did I just do?_

–oOo–

When Kim finally checked her phone several hours later, she had five messages and a missed call from Jess. The first message had Mark’s phone number and enough typos for her to know that Jess must have been very drunk by the time she sent it. The other four were from today, demanding explanations for last night and asking to meet for lunch. Kim looked at the time, accepted that she couldn’t avoid this, and asked if dinner was okay instead. She carefully planned out what she was going to say to Jess, and how much she was willing to share. She was ready when they met for dinner.

“Girl, you have some explaining to do.”

“I know. I should probably start with the fact that Ron and I broke up two weeks ago.”

“Good, it’s about time you ditched that boy and found a real man.” That was exactly what Kim had expected her to say, but after the events of the past two days, it didn’t hit her as hard as she would have expected. Jess still noticed the expression on her face, and her response was so similar to Shego’s that Kim almost laughed. “…did that boy break up with you?”

“Umm…kind of. He cheated on me for two and a half years.”

“It took him two and a half years to tell you?”

“He didn’t exactly tell me…he just texted me instead of her. Sorry I haven’t been around much the past couple weeks, I just needed some time to work through it. And last night I was really hoping we could just hang out so I could tell you” — a lie, but Jess wouldn’t know — “but then we went to that party and it was a little overwhelming. And all the stuff with Mark just made it worse. Ron and I were together for a long time, and I’m not ready to do anything with another guy right now.”

It was definitely the most serious thing she’d ever said to Jess, and the other girl took a minute to think it over before answering. “Well, I still say good on you for ditching his sorry ass after that. But you should definitely keep Mark’s number for when you feel like you can do anything with any guy, because I would kill to have him do things to me.”

Kim felt like her stomach was tying itself into her knots but she forced herself to smile. “Maybe I will.”

Jess suddenly became serious. “Thank you for telling me Kim. It means a lot.”

“It’s no big, just don’t tell anyone yet. The only other person I’ve told is Wade.”

“You got it girl. Just one more question — what’s up with that girl you were with last night?”

Kim had to fight a smile this time. “We met on a mission, and she’s the only person who’s in my league, so we started sparring in our free time. It’s nice for both of us to have someone who can keep up with us.”

“What was up with her skin?”

 _Oh no._ “What do you mean?”

“She just looked kinda weird. Like super pale and kinda grey. I don’t think people are supposed to look like that. Looked kind of like a zombie. Maybe she should see a doctor for that.” Kim breathed a sigh of relief. It had been too dark to see Shego’s skin color.

“I’ll let her know. So did anything happen with Mark’s hot friend?”

“Nope, he had to leave early, but there was this other guy. I thought he was super hot when I was drunk and then I woke up this morning and he was one ugly fella. Bad in bed too, probably because he couldn’t get anyone in bed in the first place.”

“Well, that’s what you get for picking a guy when you’re already drunk.”

“I do not need sass from you, I got it just fine from your freaky sparring friend.”

From there, the conversation dissolved into their normal friendly chatter. Kim still hadn’t told Monique or her family about the breakup, and she hadn’t mentioned Shego or Mark, but it was nice to be able to share at least one of her issues with a friend.

They parted ways with a plan to hang out again soon, and to work on another lab report, with significantly more contribution from Alex this time. It made her feel normal, which was a relief after the past two days. She went back to her apartment and forced herself to do homework until she was too tired to stay awake. She usually worked in the library, but it felt like she was waiting for something. She refused to believe she was waiting for Shego. That night, she woke up three times from nightmares, and she had to admit that she missed her. Not the sex, but the feeling of being protected and safe. She had pushed away the only person who comforted her, and she once again thought, _What the hell have I done?_

–oOo–

When Shego got back to the lair on Sunday, Drakken tried to talk to her and she lit up both her hands. “I’m taking the day off. If you come near me, I’ll melt your fucking face off.” All the henchmen scrambled to get out of her way as she walked to her room and slammed the door. _Why do I give a fuck what she says?_

The first two times she visited Kim, she’d just wanted to know what had shaken her so badly. She’d never been so off her game before, and it was frustrating and boring to fight her. She wasn’t sure why she’d stayed for a drink, but the offer of sex had been both unexpected and welcome. Even though she usually tried to ignore it, Kim was, as she’d said, _fucking hot_ , and there was no way she was going to turn down that opportunity. She got the added bonus of being in control of the one person who could match her in a fight. It was intoxicating. But it was just a one-time thing. No matter how hot she was, Shego wasn’t going to get into the habit of fucking the enemy, especially when the enemy was six years younger than her. If Kim attached feelings to it, that was her problem, not Shego’s.

Then she’d shown up a second time. It had been so tempting to kick her out, but just as tempting to throw her on the bed and rip off all her clothes. Really, who the fuck invades their enemy’s bedroom, literally begging to be fucked? Then she’d pulled out those damn razors. Shego was evil, but if Kim was planning to do _that_ , she wanted to absolve herself of any blame. Besides, the concept of Kim cutting herself was…disturbing. She wanted to know what had pushed her to that point in less than a week. If Kim hadn’t been able to fight after the breakup, she sure as hell wouldn’t be able to fight like that.

And the idea of fucking her again was so appealing. Seeing how she leaned against Shego when the villainess held her up, feeling her surrender all control…it made her feel powerful. When Kim offered to return the favor, well, she wasn’t exactly going to turn that down either. And the way Kim looked at her when she was naked…it made her feel powerful in a completely different way. Even though Kim was the one touching her, Shego had still been in complete control of the younger girl. It was exhilarating. That time, it seemed like Kim really had attached some emotions to the sex, if her “what now” was anything to judge by. She thought that Shego taking away her razor blades meant…something. Meant she was protecting her or some shit like that. No. Shego just knew where that led, and there was no way in hell she was going to let little miss goody two-shoes go down that path. She still needed someone to fight. Shego wasn’t sure what she was going to say when she went to talk to her again. Probably just try to knock some sense into her. But it hadn’t mattered, because Kim hadn’t shown up.

Then there was the night Kim was attacked. Shego hadn’t known it was her. She’d just seen some guy shoving his hand under someone’s dress, and she _always_ stopped those people and make sure the girl was okay. No matter how evil she was, there were certain lines she wouldn’t cross. She’d been shocked when she realized the girl was Kim…she’d looked so afraid. Shego had seen her tied up and threatened with death dozens of times, but she’d never looked like that before. At that moment, Shego hadn’t seen her enemy, she’d seen a broken girl who had almost been raped, and she always helped those girls. She knew it wouldn’t be good for her evil rep if people found out, but she decided she was allowed to do one good thing and this was it. She still wasn’t sure why she helped Kim get home, or why she’d stayed. It might have had something to do with the dazed look on Kim’s face, the way she wouldn’t have been able to take a shower if Shego hadn’t led her into the bathroom. She’d just seemed so helpless. Then she remembered the way Kim clung to her when she was crying, the way she fell asleep in her arms. She couldn’t remember if anyone had ever trusted her like that. Sure, there were women she fucked who fell asleep pressed against her, but that was different. Kim had just been attacked, and yet she trusted Shego, her enemy, enough to completely let her guard down with her. Maybe it should have made her feel powerful again, but it didn’t. Instead, she wanted to feel like she deserved that trust.

Maybe that was why she went back the next night to check on her. It was just luck that she ran into Kim — or rather, that Kim ran into her — on her way to the apartment. She wasn’t sure what would’ve happened if she’d been alone with her friend. The girl seemed clueless, but she was still pressuring Kim to sleep with that boy. _Mark._ She couldn’t imagine how painful it was to find out how close he was, especially the day after he tried to rape her, and her friend was trying to convince her to let him touch her again…to let him finish what he’d started. When Kim looked up at her, her eyes looked so vulnerable, so afraid…Shego wanted to find the boy who put that look on her face and tear him to pieces. She wasn’t sure where the protective streak had come from, but it worried her. She was even more worried that she’d agreed to stay while Kim slept, and that she’d promised to keep the younger girl safe. _Who the fuck promises to keep their enemy safe?_

Then there was this morning. Kim was in pain, and she clearly wanted Shego to fuck her to distract her from it. An equal exchange of goods. The same deal as before. When Shego said she didn’t have anything to offer, Kim said that she didn’t need her for anything. It was that simple.

But Shego knew it wasn’t really that simple anymore. Something had changed the first night that Kim fell asleep in her arms. Shego hadn’t just given her sex. She’d given her comfort and protection, and listened to her when she had no one. She’d never given that to anyone, and Kim had told her it was worthless. That if Shego wouldn’t have sex with her, there was nothing she could do for her.

As she’d repeatedly told Kim, they weren’t friends. Shego had no reason to worry about Kim, no reason to protect her, no reason to hold her while she cried. Besides, Kim clearly didn’t want her to. Maybe she’d show up again when she needed someone to fuck her. Maybe Shego would do it. Firmly putting any emotions behind her, she went to the gym. She was definitely in the mood to hit something, and for now, she could settle for a punching bag instead of Kim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long summary, there's a lot that happened here, and a lot of it was pretty negative. But we did get to see the beginning of feelings developing between Shego and Kim, and also see some of Shego's perspective. Not sure how often I'll write Shego's perspective, but I really enjoyed writing that section
> 
> Summary:  
> Kim fought Shego and Drakken, and Shego took advantage of Kim's attraction to her, and used it to help her escape. Kim was upset about Shego's method of fighting, and she decided to go to a club to help her forget about it. She enjoyed herself, but as she was leaving, she was pulled into an alley and assaulted. Shego was walking past when this happened, and stopped the man before he could finish everything he wanted to do. The next night, Jess forced her to go to a party, where she met a boy named Mark. She quickly realized that he was the man who attacked her. On both nights, Shego brings her home and promises to keep her safe. However, she refuses to have sex with Kim to distract her, which upsets the younger girl. The next day, Shego thought about everything that had happened between her and Kim. She labeled the first few encounters as casual sex, then thinks about the night Kim was assaulted. She was amazed by Kim's trust in her and wanted to do something to deserve that trust. However, she was also concerned with this new protective streak. She was upset that Kim had essentially kicked her out for refusing to have sex with her. She had comforted and protected Kim in a way that she had never protected anyone else, and was upset that Kim acted like this was worthless. In addition, Kim met with with Jess and told her about her breakup with Ron, but did not mention anything about Shego or Mark.


	5. 20 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this chapter, I want to throw in a reminder that what I’m writing reflects the thoughts/feelings of the characters. There are definitely things in this chapter that I disagree with, but I think it reflects what the characters are feeling. Also, I decided to combine some of the smaller chapters into larger chapters, and I think I deleted some of the chapters that had comments. Sorry about that and thank you to the people who commented, I really enjoy hearing from you
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm is a huge part of this chapter, there will be a summary at the end

Kim’s week was definitely not off to a good start. On Monday morning, she had to meet with Jess to finish the report that Alex was supposed to complete. Then she was late for calc and almost missed a quiz. Then Ron called her. “Hey KP, we should talk.”

“What is there to talk about?”

“Well look, I don’t know that you had to totally cut me off. I mean, it’s not like—”

“Not like what, Ron? Not like you had another relationship for two and a half years and didn’t tell me?” Kim was shocked by the bitterness in her voice.

“I mean, it kind of is but—”

Kim cut him off again. “When were you planning to tell me?”

He hesitated before speaking. “Look Kim, this isn’t going how I thought it would. I just wanted to say that you’ve been my best friend since pre-K and I don’t want to lose you. It would hurt too much.” That was exactly what Yori had told her, but it sounded even worse coming from Ron.

“You don’t want to lose me? Maybe you should have thought of that before you started another relationship! Maybe you should have thought about hurting me before you went ahead and did it!”

“I was just thinking that—”

“I don’t care what you were thinking, Ron. You hurt me and lied to me, and I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.” She hung up without waiting for an answer and closed her eyes. _I will not cry._

Looking up, she realized that she was still in the middle of campus and people were staring at her. _This is just not my day._ She walked back to her apartment and started to type a message to Jess. Deleted it and put the phone down. Picked up the phone again. Put it down and turned it off. Even though it was still early in the day, she curled up in bed with her laptop, and hoped Tuesday would be better.

–oOo–

Tuesday did seem better. She woke up and immediately deleted a text from Ron without even reading it, then went to physics lab, where she found that Jess had somehow managed to wrangle Alex into starting the next lab report. After lab, they went out for lunch. They talked about the new guy that Jess was seeing and Kim didn’t mention Ron. She was even making good progress on her history essay when her Kimmunicator went off.

“Sitch me Wade.”

“It’s Drakken and Shego.”

“Let me guess, they’re doing something with the death ray they stole?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Your ride is on the way.”

“Thank Wade.”

“Wait, Kim…” She turned off the Kimmunicator before she could hear the rest.

As Kim went outside to meet Dr. Jenner — a marine biologist whose lab she’d saved from a flood — she realized that she was about to see Shego again. In their last fight, the villainess had used Kim’s attraction to her to her advantage. This time, she was determined not to let that happen, but she also knew their relationship was now more complicated than just sex. Shego had saved Kim when she needed help and comforted her when she had no one, and Kim had pushed her away. Without Shego, Kim had constant nightmares and woke up tangled in her blankets, heart pounding, trying to fight off someone who wasn’t there. She hated that her enemy was the one person who could comfort her, but she still needed that comfort. _I have to fix this._

She let these thoughts fade away as she jumped out of the plane above Drakken’s layer and crept in through the air ducts, just as she had when she came to visit Shego. “You see, Shego, now that I have this ray, not even Kim Possible will be able to stop me!”

Kim jumped out of hiding. “Think again Drakken!” She noticed Shego standing near Drakken, but refused to look at her.

“Kim Possible!”

“Why do you always sound so surprised? Let’s do this Cupcake.” Shego jumped at Kim, swinging her already glowing hands at her face. Kim found herself backpedaling, barely able to hold off Shego’s attacks and unable to counter with any blows of her own. _I have to end this soon._ She continued to back away from Shego’s attacks, but was careful about the direction of each step. Drakken was busy muttering and adjusting knobs on a dashboard, and Shego was completely focused on trying to hit Kim, so no one noticed that she was angling them towards the death ray. Kim ducked out of the way as Shego sent a blast of plasma past her head. She needed to keep her engaged or she would notice what she was hitting.

“I’m getting really tired of the silent treatment here, Shego.” Her words were a perfect imitation of what the older woman had said to her weeks ago.

“That’s rich, Princess.” Shego leapt forward, kicking Kim’s legs out from under her so she fell on her back. Shego landed on top of her, pinning her against the ground.

Kim suddenly felt very helpless _her head hitting the wall_ and very afraid. She desperately wanted Shego to get off _his hand on her throat_ but she couldn’t get the words out. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Why the fuck should I talk to you? We’re not friends. You only want to talk to me when I’m ripping your clothes off. And right now, I’m trying to rip your head off. So I don’t think words are really necessary.”

Kim shoved Shego off her, and the villainess went easily. She was disturbed, both by the feeling of being trapped and by Shego’s words. She stared at the older woman in shock. “Shego, that’s not…I didn’t mean that.”

“Save it for someone who cares, Princess.”

They were interrupted by Drakken’s petulant whine. “Shego, you destroyed my ray!”

Shego turned to see the destruction, and when she looked back, Kim was gone. Hiding in a nearby supply closet, she leaned against the wall and blinked a few times to clear the tears in her eyes. Shego’s words _hurt,_ but not as much as the knowledge that everything she’d said was true. Kim had used Shego to distract herself from her pain, then relied on her when she needed help the most, and thrown her away when she refused to be a distraction again. _I got rid of her because she wouldn’t sleep with me._ Kim suddenly felt disgusted with herself. Even when Shego supported her emotionally, she’d treated her like she was only good for sex. _No wonder she didn’t want to talk to me._

Kim left the lair, curled up in bed, and waited for the nightmares to overtake her. She deserved it.

–oOo–

Kim forced herself to get out of bed early on Wednesday morning. She went for a run, pouring all of her emotions into the rhythm of her feet hitting the ground. Her heartbeat quickened when she saw a tall boy with wild blonde hair, but when he turned to talk to his friend, his eyes were blue. She realized she’d never called Monique and her family — everything surrounding _him_ had made her forget. She needed to call soon, but not today. Today, she had to write an essay and cram for a physics exam. She could deal with this tomorrow.

–oOo–

Kim left her physics exam feeling great. She was sure she’d aced it. Afterwards, she and Alex went to the library and he worked on the lab report while she finished an essay and started her calc homework. “Sooo Kim. I heard you and Ron broke up.” Kim froze, unsure of where this was going. She had asked Jess to keep it quiet, hadn’t she? She wasn’t sure. He leaned towards her. “Hypothetically, if I asked you out right now, what would you say?”

Alex was a nice guy. A week ago, Kim might have called him cute, with his curly black hair and crooked smile. But she imagined letting him hold her hand, the half-smile he would wear as he kissed her. _The wall against her back._ Alex noticed her hesitation. “No pressure. If you say no, I’ll go right back to this lab report and pretend it never happened.” _His tongue in her mouth. Vodka on his breath. His hand—_ “It’s not like you’d be breaking my heart or anything. I just thought it might be…nice.”

His words pulled her back to reality. “I’m sorry Alex, I just don’t think I’m ready to date so soon after Ron. We were together a long time.”

“Totally get that, I just thought I’d shoot my shot while I had a chance.” True to his word, he went back to working on the lab report. A few minutes later, he leaned over to ask a question about her notes. It felt natural, normal. Like he was making a point to prove that nothing had changed. She stayed in the library later than she meant to, helping Alex with chemistry when he gave up on the lab report. Technically, it wasn’t too late to call Monique, but she decided to put it off for one more day.

–oOo–

On Friday night, Kim curled up on the couch and tried to stay calm as she called Monique. “Girl, I haven’t heard from you in forever. You seriously need to call me more.”

“Yeah I know, I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy. I just…wanted to tell you that Ron and I broke up a few weeks ago.” Now that she was talking to someone from home — someone who actually knew Ron, and knew how much their relationship meant to her — she found herself crying again. “I should have called earlier, but it hurt a lot and I needed time to deal with it on my own before I told anyone.”

“Oh he told me.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, he called me on Monday and told me everything. I’ve gotta say, Kim, that was pretty harsh.”

“He…he told you about the cheating and everything?” Kim was shocked, both that Ron had contacted Monique, who had always been much closer with Kim than with him, and that he’d admitted what he’d done.

“You better believe he did. Why’d you do it Kim? You had something great going with that boy, you know.”

“Wait, Mo, what did he say? I didn’t—“

“He told me all about it. Said you called him crying and saying that you made a mistake and who even knows what else. Expecting him to forgive you or some shit. Gotta say Kim, I thought you were better than that.”

“No, that’s not what happened! He cheated on me, Monique. For two years.”

“Then why did he call me first? It sounds like someone is dealing with some massive guilt right now.” Monique’s words dug into Kim like daggers.

“Monique, please listen to me.”

“If you wanted me to listen, you shoulda called me when it happened. This is your fault, Kim. You can’t go around hurting people like that and expecting them to forgive you. You have to face the consequences. Don’t expect me to be on your side with this. You have anything else to say?” Kim stayed silent. “That’s what I thought. Thanks for the heads up.”

Panicked, she called her family. Her mother picked up. “Kim! We’ve been expecting to hear for you from a couple days. You really need to call more.”

Kim realized that she hadn’t spoken to her mother in the three weeks since the breakup, even though she usually called twice a week. “Sorry Mom. You said you were expecting me to call?”

“Yes, the Stoppables called on Monday.” _Oh no_. “They had some story about you cheating on Ron with a boy at school. I have to say Kimmie-cub, I thought we raised you better than that.”

“Mom, that’s not what happened. He cheated on me, with Yori. For two years.”

Her mother hesitated before answering. “Why did we hear from him first? Why were you hiding it?”

“I was hurt. Please Mom, you have to believe me. I just needed time to deal with it on my own.”

“We can talk about it later. But we really are disappointed in you.”

Kim nodded even though her mother couldn’t see her. “Got it. I’ll talk to you later then.”

Tears blurred her vision as she pulled out her Kimmunicator and called Wade. “Hey Kim. Are you crying again?”

“Yeah um…have you heard from Ron recently?”

“Yeah, he called me on Monday. Said you’d cheated on him.”

“Wade, you don’t believe him, do you?”

His hesitation terrified her. “It doesn’t sound like something you would do, but it doesn’t seem like something he would do either. I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but I’m just going to pretend the whole thing never happened. It shouldn’t be too hard if he’s not going on missions anymore.”

Kim nodded, still overwhelmed. “Thanks Wade.”

She stepped into her shower and sank to the floor, letting the hot water wash over her. Ron had called everyone on Monday, after she refused to talk to him. Now Monique was against her. Her family was against her. Wade wasn’t even willing to think about it. Shego hated her. She’d barely been able to talk to Jess about the cheating, so she definitely couldn’t tell her or Alex about this.

She had no one, and it was all her fault. She should have told everyone earlier, she should have forgiven Ron, she shouldn’t have pushed Shego away. She was all alone, and there was nothing she could do to fix it. Slowly, she looked up and saw the razor she used to shave. _I said I wouldn’t_ , one part of her brain reminded her. _I don’t care_ , answered the rest.

She got out of the shower and dried her body slowly. Even though she’d given her razors blades to Shego, she had more ready in a few minutes. She put the blades on the counter and stared at them, trying to decide if the pain of hurting herself would be worse than the pain of being completely alone. “I can’t do this,” she whispered to herself. Desperate to escape everything that had happened, she slowly pressed a blade against the outside of her left thigh, breathing in sharply when she felt the metal slide into her, once and then a second time.

In practiced motions that she thought she’d forgotten, she rinsed the blades and used a paper towel to wipe the blood off her leg. She applied some antiseptic cream and bandaged the cuts, then put on pajamas and crawled into bed, wincing when she laid on her left side. _Good. I deserve the pain. I’ve ruined everything._ She found herself crying harder than ever. She had no family and no friends. She didn’t even have enough self-control to keep from hurting herself. Everyone had always expected her to do everything, but in that moment, she felt like she couldn’t do anything.

–oOo–

When Kim woke up on Saturday, she tried to convince herself that last night was a dream. She got out of bed and walked into the bathroom…and found the razors sitting on the counter, where she had forgotten to put them away. She ran out of the room and sat with her back against the door. She pressed her fingers against the cuts on her leg, hoping the pain would help her focus. She took down supervillains who wanted to take over the world, she had no reason to be afraid of tiny pieces of metal. Kim forced herself to stand, and found a tin where she could store them. The clang of metal on metal made Kim flinch, and she put it in the place where she’d stored the other container. She pulled her pajama pants down to her knees and cleaned the cuts again before checking her phone. Jess and Alex both wanted to do homework with her, but she told them she was busy.

Then she crawled back into bed with her laptop. She was behind on Derry Girls anyway.

Unfortunately, the show did very little to distract her the reality of everything that had happened over the past few weeks. Everything she had let happen. Everything she had caused. By 7pm, Kim was overwhelmed by her own thoughts, and she finally changed out of her pajamas and left her apartment. By the time she got to Drakken’s lair and snuck into Shego’s room, it was almost 10. Shego wasn’t there, and she sat on the edge of the bed to wait for her. The longer she sat there, the more worried she became. What if Shego pushed her away again? What if she really was all alone? What would she do to herself if she had no one? She remembered the smooth motion of the metal going in and out of her leg. She couldn’t keep doing that.

Wrapped up in these thoughts, she barely noticed when Shego walked in. The older woman stood there for a minute, taking in Kim’s presence in her room, the expression on her face, the tears on her cheeks. “Princess, what the hell?” Seeing her, Kim just cried harder.

“Please just sit with me.” Shego nodded and sat on the bed next to Kim, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She was surprised to hear Kim say, “I missed you.”

“You know it’s your fault I wasn’t there.”

The words hit Kim like a sledgehammer. She clung to Shego, sobbing. “I know it was my fault, all of this was my fault. I’m sorry, okay? I’m so so sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

She was cut off by Shego’s lips pressing softly against hers. “It’s okay, Kimmie. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”

Kim shook her head. “Tell me what happened.” She shook her head again. “Kimmie, you need to tell someone.” Kim shifted a little, and pulled down the edge of her pants. Shego’s fingers brushed lightly over the band aids on Kim’s legs _his hand on her thigh_ and the scars around them. She spoke against Kim’s lips, “Talk to me.”

Kim rested her head on Shego’s shoulder. “Ron called me on Monday. He wanted me to forgive him and still be friends or something because he _missed_ me and it _hurt too much_ when I stopped talking to him. And I wouldn’t listen to him. Then last night I called my parents and Monique — she’s a friend from home. My best friend except Ron. Ron called them…after he spoke to me. He said that I cheated on him and they all believed him, said that I hadn’t called them because I felt guilty or embarrassed or something. Even my family. Wade said he doesn’t know what to think. He’s not blaming me but…no one’s on my side.”

Shego grabbed her chin, forcing her to look directly into her eyes. “What happened to your leg?”

“I…everyone was against me. I lost everyone. I pushed you away. It felt like it was all my fault.”

She kissed Kim again, gently. “It’s not your fault Princess.” After a moment, she asked, “Are you here because you want me to distract you?” She didn’t sound angry or accusatory. She wouldn’t be upset if Kim said yes, but that didn’t mean she would be willing to do it.

“I don’t know. I think it would just make it worse…it would remind me too much of _him_.” After a few minutes she asked, “Are you going to kick me out?”

“Well Kimmie, you still have razors in you apartment and I don’t want you to go off and slit your wrists. Good sparring partners are hard to find.”

There was that bluntness again, that reminder that Shego didn’t actually care about her; she was just doing this because she wanted Kim to be able to fight her. Instead of feeling safe, she felt even more alone. “I should go.”

Shego’s arms tightened around her. “You should stay.” Kim pushed her away and moved towards the door. “Why do you want to leave?”

“You don’t actually give a damn about me. You just want me to be okay so it doesn't feel like you’re cheating when we fight.”

Shego walked over to Kim. “You should stay.”

“I needed someone to be there and you weren’t there.”

“You said you didn’t want me to be.” Shego put her arms around Kim and whispered into her ear, “Stay. Don’t go home and get hurt.” Her hand brushed over Kim’s thigh, where she knew the cuts were. “You’ll be safe here.”

Kim was stunned by the realization that she was becoming dependent on Shego. She broke down in front of her over and over when she refused to talk to anyone else. And she trusted her enough that when Shego pushed her to lay down in a bed in the middle of Drakken’s lair, she didn’t even hesitate. Shego laid down behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist, pulling her close against her. “Good night Princess.”

–oOo–

Kim was woken by Shego throwing a blanket over her head and hissing “Stay down.” Still disoriented and half asleep, she didn’t argue.

“Shego, I already asked nicely. Open the door.”

Kim heard Shego’s bedroom door open and the situation caught up to her. She was laying in Shego’s bed, which was clearly visible from the door, and Drakken was standing in the open doorway. No wonder Shego wanted her to stay still. She focused on breathing slowly, as if she was still asleep.

“Drop the attitude Doc. I was getting dressed, so if I opened the door the first time you would have seen…Kay, if you keep looking at me like that, I’m going to get rid of your eyes so you can’t look at me at all. Is that clear?”

“Mmmhmm crystal clear, sorry Shego.”

“So now that I’m _clothed_ , what the hell do you want with me on a Sunday morning?”

“Well see I was hoping you could steal—”

“Whatever it is, the answer’s no, Doc. In case your little brain missed it, I have company, and I’ll get much more enjoyment from her than from whatever you wanted me to steal.”

“But, Shego, I—” The rest was cut off by Shego slamming the door.

Rather than going back to bed, Shego sat on a nearby chair. “Still having nightmares, huh?”

“Did I wake you?”

“I was already awake.”

“It feels like there’s something wrong with me, like he broke something.”

“There’s nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s nothing wrong with having nightmares.” She walked back to the bed and kissed Kim, soft and slow. Kim was lost in the feeling of the older woman’s lips. They felt so soft, so different from his. Maybe this was what she needed. Maybe Shego could erase him from her body. She put her hand behind Shego’s neck and sat up further, pulling the older woman closer to her mouth. Shego pulled back almost immediately. “I already told you, I’m not distracting you from this.”

Kim fought the urge to snap at her as she had before. “Shego, please…I can feel his hands on me. I need someone else to touch me, someone who isn’t him. Please.”

Shego just shook her head. “Kim, you’re already reliving it all the time. I see the flashbacks when you’re awake. It will be so much worse if…I’m not going to do that to you. You still need someone to talk to, and I can’t be that person if I’m hurting you more.”

“Please…”

“No can do Princess.”

Kim suddenly pushed Shego down onto the mattress, quickly straddling her and kissing her. Shego shoved her off. “What the fuck Kim? What part of ‘I’m not having sex with you’ is confusing _hmm_? That seemed pretty clear to me.”

Kim got up from the floor. She had just…fuck. She couldn’t meet Shego’s gaze. “I think I should probably go.”

Shego didn’t say anything until she was at the door. “Kim?” She paused with her hand on the doorknob. “Get rid of the razors.”

She didn’t answer, but as she left the room she wanted to scream. She almost hoped she ran into one Drakken’s henchmen because she really wanted to punch something. But she knew she couldn’t blame this on anyone else. As she reached her apartment, she wondered if this was what Mark had felt, shoving her against the wall. He wanted her and he was going to take her even though she said no. She wanted Shego and…would she really have done that? No, Shego could have thrown her off. But the thought that Shego might have needed to do that was disturbing.

Regardless of anything else, she needed to do this. With or without Shego, she needed someone to touch her to replace the feeling of his hands on her skin. _This is a really bad idea._ She pulled the band aids off her legs, knowing that whoever she went home with wasn’t going to look too closely unless she gave them something to look at. She put on jeans and a green t-shirt, and pulled her hair back from her face. She felt exposed, but she needed this, needed to feel someone else’s hands on her body.

The club she went to was different, less crowded and more casual. She sat at the bar, quietly enjoying a drink as she watched people dance, and tried to resist the urge to run out of the room in a panic. _I’m okay. I can do this. I_ need _to do this._ She was startled out of her thoughts when someone sat down next to her. “Can I buy you another one of those?”

Kim turned to look at the speaker. She was tall, almost 6 inches taller than Kim, and her dark skin practically glowed in the dim light of the bar. She ignored every reason that this was a bad idea. She needed to do this, and this girl looked like the complete opposite of Mark, the complete opposite of Ron. It made her perfect. “Sure. I’m Kim.”

“Grace. So, what brings you here?”

Kim struggled to think of a way to reply that wasn’t too forward. She shrugged noncommittally and gave an honest answer. “I was kind of lonely and I wanted to be less alone. What about you?”

Grace smiled. “I was a little lonely too. Were you looking to be around people, or around one person in particular?”

“I just wanted have some fun, but now I’m thinking of changing my answer.” It was a lie, but the right kind of lie, and when Grace made eye contact with her, she didn’t look away. Her relationship with Ron had always felt like a natural extension of their friendship, so this type of flirting was completely new to her.

“That’s good to know. So who are you looking to be with now?” Grace suddenly seemed a little closer, and Kim leaned forward and kissed her. She felt the other girl smile against her lips.

“So,” she ventured, “do you want to be less lonely somewhere else?” Grace kissed her again, then led her out of the bar.

Kim automatically started walking in the direction of her apartment. Grace laughed as she tugged on her hand. “So I guess we’re going to your place?”

“I um sorry— I wasn’t— I mean we can—” Grace put a finger on her lips to silence her, and Kim’s face felt hot.

“You’re cute when you get all flustered like that.” Kim blushed even more, and Grace kissed her again, gently. Kim felt some of the stress drain out of her body. “Your place is fine.” She was okay. She could do this.

As soon as they got to her apartment, Grace grabbed Kim’s face and kissed her. “You seem nervous. Have you ever done this before?”

Kim looked at the ground. “Once.”

Grace cupped her cheek and tilted her head up. “You have nothing to worry about. I’ll be gentle with you.” She kissed Kim again, wrapping one arm around her waist to pull her closer. Grace’s tongue brushed against Kim’s lips and she parted them. Suddenly there was a flash of _his tongue on the roof of her mouth_ but Grace’s lips were soft and she tasted like gin instead of vodka. The flashes of _him_ made her desperate and she pressed herself into the other girl’s mouth, trying to drown him out, trying to be in this moment instead of that one. She pulled away with a gasp and opened her eyes. She was in her apartment, not in the alley. Grace rested her hands gently on her shoulders, but Kim suddenly felt _his_ hands holding her against the wall, and she pressed her forehead against Grace’s shoulder while she caught her breath. This was what Shego had warned her about, but right now there was a beautiful girl in her apartment who wanted nothing more than sex, and Kim was going to give it to her.

Grace rubbed soothing circles on her back. “It’s going to be okay, Kim.” For a minute, Kim allowed herself to enjoy the feeling of being cared for, even if she knew it wasn’t real. Grace didn’t really care about her. But then again, Kim didn’t care about Grace. Still, it was nice to pretend, just for a few seconds. When she felt like she could look up, she found Grace’s eyes staring intently into hers. “Which way is the bedroom?”

Kim took her hand and led the way. When the door closed behind them, Grace pressed her against it. “You’re so fucking sexy.” She slid her hands under Kim’s shirt and pulled it over her head, and once again she was back in the alley with her back against a different wall, and his hands were under her dress and he had a thing for red heads and the lips that pressed against hers were soft and there was a hand on her cheek and— “You still with me?”

“Y-yeah.”

“That’s good. I would hate to stop now.”

She kissed Kim’s forehead, the tip of her nose, her lips, her chin, down the length of her neck, in the space between her breasts. This was good, Mark hadn’t touched her here. She leaned her head back against the wall and gasped as Grace’s mouth moved along her collarbone.

“Do you want to lay down now?” Kim nodded, and Grace guided her onto the bed. She pulled off her own shirt and pants before joining her, her face hovering above Kim’s. Kim had to fight to stay in the present and not go back to the place where she was trapped between his body and the wall. Grace saw the look of fear on her face. “Let me know if I’m moving too fast for you Kim. And remember, you’re going to enjoy this.” Kim nodded. Grace was not going to hurt her.

Grace reached around Kim’s back and undid her bra. She cupped Kim’s breasts carefully, gently. Her fingers brushed against Kim’s nipples, the sensation so slight that it was barely there, and Kim leaned into the touch. “More. Please.” Grace smiled as she leaned down to lick Kim’s nipple. She blew cold air against it, and Kim moaned. She repeated the action on the other side, then pulled back to look at Kim’s face.

“You’re so beautiful like this,” she whispered as she kissed Kim again. Her hair fell in a curtain around their faces, and it felt like they were the only people in the world. Grace’s hands traced down her body over her stomach, and Kim froze. “Do you want me to stop?”

“I…I don’t know.”

Grace sighed and moved to lay next to Kim instead of over her. “Do you think I’m going to hurt you?”

“No.”

“Why are you afraid of me?” She didn’t sound angry. That was good. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Grace asked, “Do you want to feel good?” Kim nodded. “Do you want me to make you feel good?”

After a slight hesitation, she heard herself whisper “Okay.”

Grace slowly undid Kim’s belt and slid her pants down her legs and Kim felt so _exposed_ , the way she had when he touched her thigh and Grace was touching her thigh and she felt sick.

“Please stop.”

“Okay.” Kim could clearly hear the disappointment in her voice as she moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Kim pulled a blanket over herself, covering her nudity. Still feeling too exposed, she hugged her knees to her chest under the blanket. “What was it?”

“What?”

“Why did you want me to stop?”

“It was nothing you did…you were perfect. It was just me.”

Grace nodded slowly and put her clothes back on. “I guess I should probably be leaving then.”

“Grace I…I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine Kim. You just weren’t ready yet.”

Kim started to cry silently as Grace left. _I really need to stop crying so much._ She got dressed again and went to the kitchen. _Drinking to ignore problems can lead to a dependence on alcohol._ She’d bought more liquor, tequila instead of vodka, and she took a shot straight of the bottle.

The way Grace had touched her was nothing like Shego. Shego was intense and passionate, but Grace was so gentle. It was everything she would have wanted her first time to be, and she had just kicked her out of her apartment. _Fuck._

Three shots later, she noticed Shego leaning against the window. When had she climbed in? “I thought I took away your liquor.” Oh. That was where the vodka went. Kim didn’t care anymore, she wasn’t planning on drinking vodka for a long time anyway.

Kim ignored the comment and took another shot. “You can say I told you so.”

Shego shrugged. “You just said it for me. What was his name?”

“Grace.” If Shego was surprised that it was a girl, she didn’t let it show. “Why are you here?”

“Did you give her a choice, or did you just throw her down on the mattress and climb on top?”

“Shego that’s—“

“That’s exactly what you did to me this morning Kimmie. I had to push you off. I’m not going to fuck you any time you want, and if you ever pull that shit again, I’ll set you on fucking fire.” The look in Shego’s eyes scared her, and she suddenly remembered the hardness she’d seen there before. She fully believed that Shego would follow through on that threat.

Kim turned away, horrified by her own actions. “I’m just like him,” she whispered.

“You are _nothing_ like him.”

“What’s the difference?”

“I could’ve fought you off and you knew it. He made sure you couldn’t fight back.” Kim still couldn’t look at her. Shego's “Dammit Kim” was barely more than a whisper. She sat next to the younger girl, tilted her head up, and kissed her hard, tangling one hand in her hair to keep her in place. After a moment, Kim responded to the kiss, her hands resting on Shego’s waist as she tried to return the other woman’s passion. When they broke apart, they were both gasping for air. Shego stood up and went back to her former place near the window. “I don’t think you’d be able to kiss him like that.”

Kim touched her lips, which were still tingling from the kiss. “I keep using you for sex and…you’re the only person I can talk to. You don’t have to do any of this so just…thank you.” She wished Shego was still on the couch, because she really wanted to kiss her again.

“I don’t know if you’ve been listening for the past month, but I need you to be able to put up a decent fight. There’s no one else near my league, so it would be pretty boring without you.” Even though Shego had always said the same thing, Kim suddenly found herself wondering if it was true. After that kiss, she couldn’t be sure of anything. “Kimmie, this isn’t you. You don’t do shit like this.”

Kim let the silence stretch in between them. Eventually, she picked up the bottle of tequila again and held onto it for a moment, unsure if she should take another shot. She definitely wanted a drink after this conversation, but before she could decide, Shego snatched the bottle out of her hand. “This has to stop too. It’s Sunday. You have classes tomorrow.” Rather than protesting, Kim laid down on the couch and pulled the blanket over her head. She was startled when the blanket was yanked off her. “You’re going to sleep in your bed. C’mon, get up Cupcake.”

“You’re not my mother, Shego.”

“Damn straight I’m not. She would probably be nicer. Also…” Shego seemed hesitant about finishing her sentence. Kim thought it was the only time she’d seen the older woman look unsure about anything. “You said there’s no one on your side right now. I’m on your side, okay?”

“You are?”

“Yeah. Now get off the damn couch and go to bed.” Shego waited until Kim was in bed, then put a piece of paper next to her water bottle. “This was on your front door. Thought you might want it. Now sweet dreams and all that.”

Shego left, and Kim picked up the note curiously. In perfect slanted handwriting, it said, _For when you’re ready_. Written beneath that was a phone number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary:  
> Ron called Kim and asked if they could still be friends, and Kim refused. The next day, she went on a mission to stop Drakken and Shego, and Shego accused her of just using her for sex. Kim realized that she had refused Shego's kindness because the older woman wouldn't sleep with her, and was disgusted with herself. She called Monique and her family to tell them about the breakup, and found out that Ron had called them after their conversation and said she cheated on him. Everyone believed him and was disappointed in her. This prompted severe feelings of guilt and isolation, which led to her harming herself. The next day, she went to Drakken's lair to talk to Shego, who encouraged her to stay overnight. In the morning, Kim tried to force Shego to have sex with her. When Shego through her off, Kim left the lair, once again disgusted with her own actions. In an effort to forget about the assault, she went to a bar and picked up a girl named Grace. She brought Grace back to her apartment and tried to have sex with her, but was unable to due to memories of the assault. After she left, Shego visited and yelled at Kim. When Kim started to compare herself to Mark, Shego disagreed with her and kissed her. She told Kim that she was on her side, even though no one else was, and forced her to go to bed. Before she left, she told Kim that Grace had left a note with her phone number.


	6. 29 days since breakup

Kim was glad she was already in her apartment when her phone rang on Wednesday night. She took one look at the caller, declined the call, and texted Jess that she wasn’t going to be able to meet for dinner. When her phone rang again, she declined again. After the seventh call, she finally answered. “What do you want, Ron? What the hell could you possibly want after the shit you pulled?” _I’m starting to sound like Shego._

“Listen, Kim, I didn’t mean for all of this to happen. It just kind of…did.” When she didn’t reply, he took it as a signal to continue. “I kinda told Felix we were going through a rough patch. I thought we could tell everyone it was a mutual thing and we just kinda decided we’d be better off as friends, but then you wouldn’t talk to me and that wasn’t really in the plan, y’know? Then Felix asked how we were doing and I told him we broke up. And then it just…spread from there.”

“But why did you lie, Ron? Why did you turn everyone against me?” In spite of her best efforts, tears started to run down her cheeks, and she felt a sob trying break free. She forced herself to stay silent; she didn’t want Ron to know how painful this was for her.

“It really hurt when you didn’t want to talk to me anymore, and I wanted you to know what it felt like.” Kim felt something hot and tight burning in her chest. Unaware of the effect he was having, Ron kept talking quickly; it seemed like he knew he wouldn’t get another word in once he let Kim answer. “I wanted to try to fix things. I still want my best friend back, KP. And if we can go back to how things were before, I’ll...I'll tell everyone that we both knew the relationship wasn’t going to work. I’ll say I was really glad we had an excuse to end it. And I really do want us to keep being friends.”

Kim counted to ten, then twenty, trying to keep her emotions in check. It didn’t work. “You wanted me to know how it felt? How you felt when I pushed you away? I already know how it felt, Ron. It’s the exact same way I felt when I found out you were dating Yori. You threw away everything we had, and you didn’t even care about me enough to tell me. So I already knew how that felt without your _help_.”

“KP—”

Even though Kim knew that Ron might retaliate if she angered him, she couldn’t stop herself from continuing. “No, Ron, you’re going to listen to what I have to say. The Ron I was friends with, the Ron I _loved_ , he would never do any of this. He wouldn’t cheat on his girlfriend, he wouldn’t lie to get revenge, and he would never even _think_ about trying to cut someone off from everyone they cared about. My mother said she’s disappointed in me, Ron. For things that you said I did. Now everyone thinks you’re a poor victim and I’m some sort of heartless monster. And the truth is, you’re off with your girlfriend and everyone in Middleton feels bad for you, and I’m at school by myself, and even my family is blaming me for the things that _you_ did. The Ron I loved would _never_ hurt someone like that, and then try to bribe them into being his friend again. Were you going to tell them I didn’t cheat? Were you going to tell them you did?” Ron’s silence answered for him. “They’re all going to think it’s my fault anyway, Ron. I’m the girl who had a great relationship and screwed it up by sleeping with someone else, _which is exactly what you did._ If they knew the truth, they would hate you instead, but you lied and pushed that off onto me. Why the hell do you think I want anything to do with you?”

Ron was silent for a long time. “I really do miss you KP.”

“This is all your fault, Ron.” After a pause, she asked, “Does Yori know?”

Ron’s response was emphatic and immediate. “Please don’t tell her.” Kim was glad to hear the panic that had crept into his voice — it gave her something to bargain with.

“She would want to know.”

“I can’t lose her too. I love her too much.” Kim was glad Ron wasn’t in front of her, because she wasn’t sure if she could have stopped herself from punching him.

“I thought I loved you too much to lose you too. What if I want you to know what _that_ felt like?” Kim knew she would never hurt Ron like that, even now. She would never hurt _anyone_ like that. If she told Yori, it would be out of respect for the other girl, not because she was trying to get back at Ron.

“Kim, please.”

“I won’t tell her if you don’t spread any more rumors about me in Middleton. You…you’ve done enough already.”

“Okay, KP, you have yourself a deal.” Even the nickname hurt.

“You don’t deserve her.” She wasn’t sure where the thought came from, but it was true. Yori was all about honor, truth, and courage, even in the face of fear. She had called Kim, knowing the other girl might hate her. Ron, on the other hand, had lied to his girlfriend for more than two years, then destroyed her reputation because she refused to forgive him. Now he was offering to try to fix it, if she was willing to go back to the way things were before. If she was willing to ignore everything he’d done to hurt her. There was nothing honorable or honest about what he had done, and Kim thought about what Yori had told her. _I have already given my heart to Ron-kun, and I do not wish to lose him._ And then _Love does not always allow for honor._ She wondered how much honor the other girl would be willing to sacrifice to stay with him. “After this, I don’t think you could ever deserve someone like her.”

“I um…need to go. To do some ninja things.”

She didn’t address the obvious lie. “Goodbye Ron.” _That’s it. It’s over._

Kim felt empty. She hadn’t realized the full extent of her anger towards Ron until he called, trying to bribe her to be friends with him again. If he tried to fix things in Middleton, it would only make everything worse. Everyone was still going to think she cheated on him, and it would sound like he was trying to cover for her “mistakes” because he cared about her. He would be the victim who still loved her and refused to let anyone blame her for hurting him. And she would still be the cruel girl who played with his feelings and didn’t deserve him. She’d lost her boyfriend and best friend, and everyone thought it was her fault.

No one was ever going to be on her side with this, except maybe Jess and Alex. And Shego. She suddenly wished the other woman was there. She wanted to lay in her arms and fall asleep surrounded by her warmth, pressed against her body. She wanted another kiss like the last one, full of an emotion she couldn’t describe, like Shego was trying to convince her that she was better than she thought she was. _You said there’s no one on your side right now. I’m on your side, okay?_ She knew it shouldn’t feel so important that her enemy believed in her, but at that moment, it meant everything.

She fell asleep that night hugging a pillow and imagining that it was Shego. _It’s not_ _your fault, Princess. I’ll stay. I’ll keep you safe._

–oOo–

On the one month anniversary of her breakup with Ron, Kim went over everything that had happened in the past few weeks. The sex and emotions surrounding Shego, the conversations with her family and Monique, being attacked by Mark…it felt like too much to happen in such a short amount of time, and she knew she’d been irrevocably changed by all of it. After the disastrous phone call on Wednesday, she knew she would probably never speak to Ron again, and she wasn’t sure if she could even restore her reputation in Middleton. But instead of feeling devastated by these changes, she was almost relieved to know that everything was over. Ron wouldn’t spread more lies. It wasn’t going to get any worse. The thought made her feel lighter than she had in weeks, and she decided that she wasn’t going to spend the day reflecting on her misery. Instead, she tried to enjoy herself. She bought groceries, cooked her favorite meal, and started a new book. She thought about baking brownies, both because she hadn’t baked in a long time and because brownies would definitely make her feel better, but she was suddenly hit with the memory of Ron helping her make brownies for the first time. He’d taught her how to check when they were fully cooked, and explained why the baking time was different for different pans. After the brownies cooled, they’d drawn squares with frosting and decorated each square with different patterns, so every brownie would look different when they were cut. They drew a heart on the center brownie and shared it. Even a few years later, the memory was perfectly clear, and it hurt to even think about baking.

Accepting that she couldn't force herself to be happy, she tried to decide how to spend the rest of the day. Recently, she’d been alternating between four choices: staying in, going to a bar, hanging out with Jess, or seeing Shego. It felt pathetic to sit in her room watching Netflix while she knew Ron was out with Yori, probably unaware of what day it was. And even though she’d told Ron that she was completely alone, she didn’t want to believe that it was actually true. After her last two experiences at bars, that idea was also unappealing. Jess had an event with her sorority and, even though she would probably be willing to skip, she would want Kim to celebrate. Kim had already tried so hard to be happy and she knew it wasn’t going to work, but she doubted Jess would accept that. That left her with only one option. She remembered how desperately she’d wanted to see Shego after she spoke to Ron. _Maybe this is a good idea._

She wasn’t sure exactly what she was expecting as she made her way to Drakken’s lair that night, but she knew that her end goal was to fall asleep next to Shego. Being with the older woman made her feel safe and, more importantly at that moment, made her feel like she wasn’t entirely alone. She opened Shego’s door without knocking, and immediately knew she’d made a mistake. Shego wouldn’t be able to help her feel less alone, because the older woman was already keeping someone else company. Once she got over her shock, Kim closed the door as quickly and quietly as possible, blocking the unexpected sights and sounds. She practically ran out of Drakken’s lair and started to make her way back to campus. She hadn’t wanted to see any of that. Hadn’t wanted to see Shego leaning against the wall completely naked, holding another woman’s head between her legs and rolling her hips against the stranger’s mouth. She didn’t think Shego had seen her — her eyes had been closed the entire time. But Kim couldn’t erase the way Shego moaned as she pressed herself against the other woman’s face.

Kim wasn’t sure why she cared who Shego was sleeping with. She knew that, at least in Shego’s mind, the sex with Kim had been completely casual. But over the past week, Kim had started to convince herself that there might be something more happening between her and Shego. The older woman had promised to protect her and held her while they slept. She’d kissed Kim with real emotion, with a passion that felt anything but casual. In that moment, Kim had been almost certain that Shego cared about her, that she saw Kim as something besides a person who could keep up with her in a fight.

She didn’t want to admit it, but she was _jealous_ of the woman who was with Shego, in a way that she hadn’t been jealous in a long time. She wasn’t jealous of the sex, because, as much as she’d enjoyed it, the past week had shown that she definitely wasn’t ready to do that again. Rather, she was jealous that the other woman was with Shego in any way, because Kim wanted to be with her instead. She imagined the other woman falling asleep in Shego’s bed and felt distinctly uncomfortable. That was where she wanted to sleep. That was the place that she'd thought about after her phone call with Ron, a place where she felt safe. And someone else was going to sleep there, protected by Shego’s arms, pressed up against her. She wanted to be there, and she thought Shego had wanted that too. _I am not going to cry because my archenemy doesn’t care about me._

Maybe Shego really hadn’t cared about Kim. Maybe she really was just looking for someone to fight. But then again…Kim had tried to sleep with someone too. Maybe she didn’t care about Shego as much as she thought she did. Or maybe her feelings had changed after the kiss. Maybe she would have hesitated to have sex with someone else after that, but, since Shego apparently didn't feel the same way, it was clear that she didn’t care about Kim as anything more than a decent fighter. All she wanted from Kim was an opponent and maybe sex, and it was obvious that she could get sex from someone else if she wanted it.

 _She’s my enemy,_ she reminded herself. _I shouldn’t care this much._ Over the past few weeks, she’d started to see Shego as a source of protection and comfort, and possibly something more, and somewhere along the way, she’d lost track of the fact that her and Shego were _enemies._ Enemies could have sex, and they could keep each other in shape so their fights were more fun, but they couldn’t be involved in any other way. They couldn’t actually care about each other, not when they were trying to capture and hurt each other, and that wouldn’t change regardless of how many times Shego promised to protect her. _The sooner I learn that, the better._ It was clear that whatever feelings she had for Shego were shallow, unrealistic, and unreciprocated, and she resolved to put them behind her as quickly as possible.

Kim felt a deep, aching exhaustion settle into her entire body. She’d set out to prove that she wasn’t entirely alone, and had been left alone by the one person she’d been relying on for comfort. _A terrible way to end a terrible month._ As she went to bed, she prayed to whatever gods might exist that the next month would be better.

–oOo–

Kim was on her way back to her apartment after her last class on Tuesday when she got a call on her Kimmunicator. “It’s Motor Ed.”

“What’s he up to Wade?”

“Apparently he’s trying to steal from a space center in Arizona. Your ride will be there in 10 minutes.”

When Kim arrived at the space center, she saw Ed scratching his head and staring at a dashboard decorated with buttons in different sizes and colors. Even with her limited technical knowledge, Kim was pretty sure she could figure out which one he was looking for. “You know, I really don’t think you’re supposed to be playing with those rockets.”

“Red! You’re like, totally killing my vibe right now. Seriously, dude. And where’s that blonde dude and the kid with the sick wheels?" Kim almost groaned out loud. Even though most of her other enemies were smarter than Motor Ed, she would gladly deal with a more intelligent scheme if it meant she didn’t have to listen to him talk.

“I’m on my own today, Ed.”

“That’s like mad cool Red. You know, the last time I was in jail with my cousin Drew, he said that you and blonde dude were totally hooked up and I was like nah man, _seriously_? Now if it was the guy with the sick wheels I could dig it, but not the blonde dude. He’s got like, no skills, man.”

“Drew was right.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Kim deadpanned, hoping it would shut him up.

“So if you and the blonde dude were hooked up and he’s not here…then you two are totally broken up, right?” Kim groaned, out loud this time, and nodded. “That’s like, mad cool Red! You should totally get hooked up with that wheelchair dude. Or if you do babes, there was this babe in the lab I used to work in. She got all up in my face about everything, you know? It was, like super hot. But she said she doesn’t do dudes, so if you’re down with that—”

“I’m not _down_ with whatever you’re saying. But I am down with stopping your plan.”

“No way, you’re like, totally not. I’ve got this. Seriously dude.”

Kim smiled as she watched him position his hands over the dashboard. “You’re right, I won’t do anything do stop you.”

“Seriously Red?”

“Yeah, do whatever you were about to do.” Ed pressed a red button in the corner of the dashboard, and suddenly emergency lights started flashing around the room. Kim winced at the sound of sirens. Metal plates slid out of the walls, sealing them in the room, and the rockets settled more firmly against the ground with a loud bang. She turned to Ed, who had both hands over his ears, and yelled, “I promised I wouldn’t do anything to stop you.”

“This is like, seriously uncool dude.”

On the way home, Kim realized that Motor Ed’s comment about Ron was less painful than she would have expected. She’d been told the same thing before, but it seemed like the last phone call had effectively shut down any lingering feelings she had for him. She thought about the fact that it had been over a month since the breakup. Nothing was ever going to exist between her and Ron again, and after the incident a few days ago, she knew there was nothing real between her and Shego. _Maybe it’s time to start moving on._ When she got back to her apartment, she pulled out the piece of paper with Grace’s number and stared at it for a few minutes before typing out a message. _Hi, it’s Kim. I don’t think I’m ready for sex yet, but do you want to get coffee?_

When Grace answered, she was glad she was alone because she couldn’t stop smiling. Jess would have caught on within moments, and even Alex, who was usually pretty clueless, would have known that something had changed. Now she just had to hide it for two more days.

–oOo–

Grace was already at the coffee shop when Kim arrived on Thursday. Kim ordered her drink and sat down. “I’m um…hi.”

Grace just smiled at her. “So what have you been up to?”

“Not much, just homework and community service.” She wasn’t sure if Grace knew who she was, and if not, she wanted to enjoy the feeling of being normal. Before the other girl could ask for any details, Kim turned the conversation back towards her. “What have you been doing?”

“Mostly homework too. It takes up most of my time.”

“What are you studying?”

“I’m a double major in psych and math. What about you?

Kim blinked, impressed. “That’s…that sounds really hard. I’m majoring in physics and minoring in chem. So what classes do you need for the double major?”

After they talked about schoolwork, the conversation drifted to other topics. Grace had one sister, Abi, who was ten years younger than her. Abi loved ballet and gymnastics, and was starting middle school in the fall. Grace always felt like she needed to set a good example for her. She’d grown up with a cat but had always wanted a dog, a big one that would bark and put his paws on her shoulders when she got home at the end of the day. Her favorite color was yellow, the exact shade of daffodils. She loved to watch the sunset. She’d played tennis in high school, but had mostly stopped in college and only played an occasional game with a friend now. She’d always wanted to major in math, but she took one psych class and was so interested that she accidentally ended up with half the classes she needed for a double major.

“You know, I’m working on a study and we could always use more participants. It’s really boring, it’s about identifying colors but …maybe we could do this again after?”

Kim hoped she wasn’t blushing. “That sounds really good.”

“Great, I’ll send you the details so you can sign up for a slot. And we can decide when to get coffee.”

“Okay, I’ll um...I'll see you then.”

Kim was still smiling when she got back to her apartment, and was shocked to realize they’d been there for over three hours. It had just been so easy to listen to Grace talk. And she’d asked questions about Kim too. She knew about the tweebs, and her pet goldfish that died when she was eight, and that her favorite color was puple. She hoped the study had open slots very soon.

–oOo–

After the study, they found themselves back in the same coffee shop, once again sitting at a table with drinks. Kim listened as Grace talked about the purpose of the study with bright eyes. Apparently people who were raised in different places perceived colors differently and could identify minor differences in hues in different ways…or something. Kim couldn’t understand most of it, but she had to hide a small smile as she watched Grace talk. _She’s beautiful._ Eventually they fell into a comfortable silence, which was broken when Grace suddenly asked, “Are you dating anyone?”

“Not right now. Do you know someone who’s interested?” she teased.

“No, I was just kind of curious.” Kim had never seen Grace blush before, and she thought it was adorable.

“Are you dating anyone?” _Please say no._

“I was for a while, but that ended a few weeks ago.”

“I um…I also broke up with someone a few weeks ago.”

They sat in silence for over a minute, and it was much less comfortable this time. They were clearly thinking the same question, but they were both afraid to ask. Finally, Grace spoke up. “Do you want to go for a walk?” Kim nodded, and they left the coffee shop. Kim held her drink with both hands, intentionally not looking at the girl next to her. As they reached a nearby park, Grace started talking. “When I was taking set theory last fall, I could only go to office hours on Tuesday mornings. The TA was named Katie. People usually didn’t go to her office hours, because, well, it was early and there were plenty of other times. But I had a question one week and…I don’t know. She was cute and we started flirting a little, and then I made an excuse to go back the next week. After a couple weeks we started hooking up after lecture, and by the end of the semester it had turned into a real relationship.”

“What happened?”

“Well, we stayed together through the spring and fall. Over winter break, one of my friends from high school was having some family issues, so she stayed at my house for a few weeks. Since then, I’ve been talking to her pretty often, to make sure she’s doing okay. Katie got like…really jealous about it. She tried to convince me that my friend was into me, and she wanted me to stop talking to her. I tried to tell her that my friend is straight and even if she wasn’t, I didn’t want to date someone else, but she wouldn’t listen. She said that if I actually cared about her, I’d stop talking to my friend. And especially with everything that was going on…I couldn’t just cut her off like that. I told Katie that if she wasn’t okay with me caring about my friends, I couldn’t keep dating her, and she wouldn’t back down. So three weeks ago, when it was pretty clear that neither of us was willing to compromise, we decided it was over.”

Kim nodded and quickly did the math. Maybe a week before they first met at the bar. “If it means anything, I think you made the right choice.”

“Thanks Kim.”

“So um…how is your friend?”

“She’s staying with her cousins right now and she’s taking classes online. Her family pretty much completely cut her off, but I think she’ll be okay eventually.”

“I’m glad she’s doing better,” she replied, feeling slightly uncomfortable. None of her friends had ever had any issues with their families, so she wasn’t sure what to say. Thankfully, it seemed that, even if she hadn’t given the best response, she hadn’t said anything wrong. They continued walking in silence, and Kim tried to prepare herself to speak. She carefully focused on the ground under her feet instead of Grace’s face. “I had a friend…Ron. We’d been best friends since pre-K, and after junior prom, we started dating. It was going really well til the end of senior year. Then he went to culinary school in Japan, and I came to California. We knew long distance was going to be hard, but I thought we were making it work pretty well. We were still talking and texting a lot, and I visited him whenever I could. Then, about a month ago, I…I found out he was dating someone else for more than two years. He’d always been so nice to me and I couldn't…I broke up with him as soon as I found out.” It was the first time she’d talked about Ron without crying, and she wondered if it was because of the time since the breakup, the awful phone call a few weeks ago, or the person she was talking to.

“Are you okay?” _Shit, I should’ve asked that._

Kim chose her words carefully as she answered, “I was mostly just hurt…I really never thought he would do something like that. And he wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my best friend for our entire lives.” She left out everything about Monique and her family and her conversation with Ron; this was more than enough to share with someone she barely knew. Especially when that person was Grace.

“I’m sorry Kim.”

“It’s okay, I think I’m starting to feel a little better about it now. It feels like I shouldn’t be able to move on so soon, but he moved on from me while we were still dating so…I’m trying not to feel too bad about it.”

“Good.” They walked quietly for a while longer. “I think it’s getting close to sundown. There’s a nice hill nearby where we could watch the sunset, if you want.”

Kim glanced at Grace and saw that her face was a little red again. She suddenly remembered that the other girl loved watching the sunset. “Sure, let’s go.”

They sat on the hill, less than a foot apart, and watched the sky fade from blue into a brilliant shade of orange. “It’s really beautiful tonight.”

Kim spoke before she could change her mind. “I’m glad I’m watching it with you.”

“Yeah? Well, I’m glad I’m here with you too. But I think we should go back inside after this, it’s getting a little cold.” Kim looked at her strangely. “I’m from Texas, it never got this cold at home.”

Kim almost laughed. “I grew up in Colorado, so I still think this is pretty warm. But I’d probably be cold without my jacket.” The last part was mostly an attempt to keep Grace from feeling uncomfortable; Kim was pretty sure she wouldn’t notice the temperature either way.

“Maybe if you sit closer, you can keep me warm.” Kim moved towards Grace and rested her head on the other girl’s shoulder, and felt an arm come up to wrap around her.

“This is nice,” she whispered.

She felt Grace’s head resting against hers. “Yeah, it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter had a lot of Kim and Grace, but I promise there will be more Kigo very soon! Also thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter, I'm really glad to hear that people are enjoying this


	7. 45 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING for sexual assault. I'll put a summary at the end.

One week after she first got coffee with Grace, Kim couldn’t think of a single thing about the other girl that she didn’t like. She was kind and patient, more than anyone Kim had ever met. When they sat in the library together, she got distracted by the way Grace bit the end of her pen while she was working through a problem, and the little furrow that formed between her eyebrows when she was concentrating. Her handwriting was smooth and slanted and perfectly legible. Jess had started to complain that Kim wasn’t around anymore, but she didn’t care. She knew she’d have to tell her friend eventually, but she wanted to wait until her and Grace had gone on an actual date.

And she wanted to go on an official date with her. Not just coffee or homework, because, even though she loved doing those things with Grace, it barely felt any different from hanging out with Alex or Jess. With Grace, she wanted to do something more. But before she could do that, she wanted to make sure was finished with all her issues from the past month — the entire month had been a disaster, and she didn’t want to carry any of that into a new relationship. Her issues were easily divided into three categories: Ron, Shego, and Mark. She’d already resolved her feelings about Ron and Shego, so there was only one thing left to deal with. Mark. As much as she tried to ignore it, she was still afraid all the time, even though she was doing better. Her nightmares and flashbacks were less frequent, but they still happened. She no longer flinched externally when she saw a boy with blonde hair and brown eyes, but she still felt her heart rate speed up every time. And she still felt sick when she thought about someone touching her the way Mark had touched her. As hard as it was for her to admit, she was afraid of people who looked like him, and of someone touching her the way he had. _I need to prove that people who look like that aren’t going to hurt me. I need to stop being afraid._

As she put together a plan, she had the same thought that she'd had three weeks ago, when she met Grace at the bar. _This is a really bad idea. But I need to do it._

–oOo–

Even though the prospect of going on a date with Grace had initially inspired Kim to put the past month behind her, she knew this really had nothing to do with the other girl. This was completely about her, making the choice to move past Mark and be less afraid in the future. She was strengthening herself, the way she strengthened herself when she fought — even if it hurt a little at first, it would make her stronger at the end. Over the past twenty-four hours, she had become both more determined and more worried about what she was going to do. _I need to stop being afraid,_ she reminded herself again. She put on a dress, not as short or tight as the dress she’d worn when Mark attacked her, but still the first dress she’d worn since then. She felt almost sick as she left her apartment. _I need to get over this._

She chose a club as far as possible from the one where she’d met Grace; she didn’t want the other girl to see her doing this. As soon as she got there, Kim had a strong drink, and then a second one, knowing that she was going to need alcohol to go through with her plan. She saw a boy with blonde hair dancing by himself, and her entire body froze when she thought about approaching him. She noticed that his eyes were brown, but lighter than the blackness of Mark’s eyes. She downed the rest of her drink and walked over to him before she could change her mind. He smiled at her, and she felt nauseous. Instead of running away, she let him put his hands on her waist _his hands against her hips_ as they danced. After a few songs, his hand drifted lower _his hand on her thigh_ and he asked, “Do you want to get out of here?”

 _No. I want you to leave me alone._ “Yes.” He led her to his apartment, and Kim realized she was about to have sex with a boy for the first time. She thought this should be making some sort of impression on her, but she was mostly just filled with overwhelming panic at the thought of letting him touch her. She reminded herself of the reason she was doing this, the reason she’d been pounding into her head for a full day. _I need to forget about Mark. Not everyone who looks like Mark is going to hurt me._

When they reached his apartment, she paused at the door. “I don’t even know your name.”

“And I don’t know yours. But I know you’re hot and you’re going to be even hotter without that dress on.” He walked towards her, and Kim froze in panic. He kissed her _his tongue in her mouth_ and she tried to focus on what was happening. He walked her towards a wall _her back against the wall_ and started to pull her dress _his hands under her dress_ over her head. He ran his hands up and down her body _his hand sliding up her thigh, his hands against her stomach_ and she realized that she should probably be responding somehow. She tried to speak, but he silenced her by kissing her again _trying to scream around his tongue_ , then looked her up and down. “I was right about you being hotter without the dress.” _Was this what Mark thought in the alley?_ Even though the entire thing had been her idea, she felt like she’d completely lost control of the situation. She felt like she was running towards a cliff, and wasn’t sure if she could stop before she fell.

The boy stepped back to take off his clothes, and glanced up at her halfway through. “You should probably get rid of those too.” He gestured at her bra and underwear. Kim was shaking and she felt like she was about to be sick. _Was this what Mark wanted to see?_ She reminded herself, _I’m not supposed to feel like this. I need to fix it._ She saw him pull out a condom before walking back over to her. He braced his arms on either side of her _his hands on her shoulders_ , leaning in close _the smell of vodka on his breath_. He kissed her again, still hard, but also gentler than before. _Mark didn’t kiss me like this. He isn’t Mark._ Kim reciprocated, and was surprised to find herself enjoying the kiss. Hesitantly, she reached up and rested her hands on his shoulders. _Maybe this won’t be so bad._

His hands slid off her shoulders and ran down the sides of her body _his hands on her waist_ until they reached her thighs _his hand on her thigh._ He put one hand under each leg and lifted her against the wall, and she felt so helpless with her feet dangling in the air. _He’s completely in control._ Once again, she reminded herself, _He’s not Mark. He’s not going to hurt me._ Even so, she was about to shove him away, but then he pushed inside her without any warning and it was _big_ , bigger than Shego’s fingers, and it _hurt._ She tried to press her head into the wall to focus but _Her head slammed against the wall and his hand was pressing hard on her throat and she couldn’t move away. Her dress and bra and underwear were gone and he had her trapped against the wall. He lifted her so she couldn’t even stand on her own two feet and he pushed himself into her, moving in and out. “You’re so tight, it feels so damn good.” She tried to fight, tried to push him away, but ended up just bucking her hips into him, pulling him further inside. He moved his hand across her chest, pulling and twisting her nipples. He started moving in and out faster and faster and all she could feel was her fear. When he groaned against her, she screamed, her body shaking as she tried to fight him off. He kissed her again and his tongue was in her mouth and she couldn’t scream, couldn’t breathe, felt his hands pressing on her neck. “You can open your eyes, you know?”_ She did, and she was in the apartment of the boy she met at the club, not in the alley with Mark. There was no hand on her neck. There was just this boy, pulling out of her and lowering her to the ground gently. But all of it had felt so real and now she knew what it would have felt like if Mark hadn’t stopped.

“That was pretty hot. I never would’ve pegged you for a screamer. You up for round two?” Kim just shook her head and dressed as quickly as possible.

“I need to go.” She ran out of the apartment and didn’t stop for a full ten minutes. When she finally slowed, she found a garbage can and threw up. She shakily sat on the curb, already crying and trying to keep herself from hyperventilating. She pulled out her Kimmunicator and wiped her face. _I need to hold it together for one call._

“Hey Kim, what’s up?”

“Hey Wade, this is going to sound pretty weird, but is there any way you could send a message to Shego?”

“Um Kim, what’s this about?”

“We made a bet during our last fight. I don’t know when Drakken with make another move, so I want to tell her I won the bet.” _Please buy it._

“Uh, sure I guess. What’s the message?”

Kim hoped the darkness made it hard for Wade to see her face. “The message is ‘Mark says hi.’”

After Wade sent the message, Kim continued to watch people walk past her, terrified that someone would try to touch her. She couldn’t remember ever feeling this on edge. A blond boy glanced in her direction and _his eyes staring into hers while he forced his tongue into his mouth and put his hand around her throat_ when she blinked, he had moved on. She tried to concentrate, but couldn’t stop feeling the way Mark had watched her undress. _No, that wasn’t Mark._ But it was still what Mark had wanted.

She was caught completely off guard when Shego knelt in front of her. “C’mon Princess, you need to go home.”

Kim threw her arms around her neck and buried her face in her shoulder. She’d been a little uncomfortable calling Shego after their last _encounter,_ but there was no one else who could see her like this. She refused to let go of Shego no matter how much the older woman tried to force her to move. With an exasperated sigh, Shego slid one arm around Kim’s shoulders and the other under her knees, and lifted her off the ground. When Kim felt her feet hanging in the air _helpless against the wall,_ she lashed out blindly and Shego almost dropped her. The older woman set her down on her feet, and Kim immediately crumpled to her knees again. “Princess, we need to get you home. Either you need to walk or I need to carry you, so you have to choose before I pick you up again.”

“No. Don’t. Please.” She couldn’t stand the idea of being that helpless again.

“Okay, Kimmie, I won’t pick you up. But you need to stand, okay?” Shego slowly helped Kim to her feet and wrapped an arm around her to keep her steady. Kim leaned against Shego and trusted the older woman to guide her home.

They were almost at her apartment when someone called out to her. “Kim? Are you okay?”

Shego pulled her closer, and Kim curled into her. She heard the buzz of conversation but chose to ignore it. “Who the hell are you?”

“I’m Grace. I…we’re friends. Who are you?”

“I’m her sparring partner.”

“Sparring partner?” Grace asked with obvious confusion.

“Yeah. She’s had a rough night, so I’m bringing her home.”

“Okay, I can come stay with her if—”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. And don’t call her tomorrow either.”

“I…” Grace stopped and actually looked at Kim. She was barely standing on her own, and most of her weight was supported by the woman next to her. Her head was buried in that woman’s chest, and she hadn’t spoken once during the entire exchange. Grace wasn’t entirely sure if Kim could even hear her, and she was almost certain she there were tears on her face. Grace had never seen her like this before. “Yeah, okay. Will you make sure she’s okay?”

“I’ll keep her safe.”

She guided Kim to her apartment, and once again led the other girl to the shower. This time, Kim stared at it instead of getting in. Shego sighed and moved to help her take off her dress, but _his hands under her dress_ Kim pulled away. Shego reached out and touched her face softly. When she spoke, her voice was gentle. “He’s not here Princess.” Kim nodded slowly, and she continued, “You should take a shower.” Kim nodded again, but made no move to enter the shower. “Do you need me to help you?” Kim shook her head. She didn’t want anyone to touch her. “Okay, then take a shower. I’ll be waiting when you’re done.” She kissed the top of Kim’s head before leaving. Kim felt like she was in a haze, and nothing that was happening seemed real. It was all just his hands on her body. She took off her dress y _ou’re going to be even hotter without that dress on_ and then the rest of her clothes _get rid of those too._ She couldn’t do this, she needed to cover herself. She didn’t realize she was hyperventilating until she started to feel dizzy. When had she sat down?

Slowly, she got off the ground and stepped into the shower. This time, she knew she wouldn’t be able to wash off his hands, so she didn’t try. She wished she knew his name — that would make it easier to separate him from Mark. But they were both boys with blonde hair and brown eyes who wanted to see her naked and shove themselves inside her. And now they had. She stood under the shower head and let the scalding water fall on her face until it turned cold. None of this felt real. Shego eventually opened the door. “Kimmie, you’ve been in there for over an hour. C’mon, get out so we can go to bed.” Shego helped her out of the shower _his hands on her naked body_ and dressed both of them in pajamas with long sleeves and long pants. Kim didn’t fight her. This still didn’t feel real, it still felt like he was touching her. Shego pushed her to lay down in bed, then laid next to her and wrapped an arm around her waist. Kim stiffened at the contact, and Shego pulled away. “Go to sleep, Princess. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Still in a daze, Kim did as she was told.

 _Mark reached under her dress and suddenly it was gone. So were his clothes and he walked towards her and placed one hand against her throat. Kim tried to fight back and—_ “Kimmie, you need to wake up.” She sat up, heart racing, and found herself in her bedroom. “He’s not here.” Shego’s cheek was red, and Kim realized that she must have hit her in her sleep. Slowly, she reached out to brush her fingers across the mark.

“I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t mean to. Let’s go back to sleep.” She pushed gently on Kim’s shoulder to make her lay down again, then laid on the edge of the mattress, putting as much space as possible between them. Still exhausted, Kim was asleep in moments.

 _“You’re so tight.” In and out, in and out. “It feels so good.” His tongue was in her mouth and his hand was on her neck and she couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t escape._ Shego shook her awake, and her throat was sore, as if she’d been screaming. “It’s going to be okay, Princess.” Kim wrapped her arms around Shego and cried against her chest. Hesitantly, Shego put her arms around Kim as well.

“I don’t think I can do this,” she whispered.

“You’re Kim Possible. You can do anything.” After a moment, she asked, “Do you want to go back to sleep?”

Kim shook her head. “I’m scared.”

“Let’s get out of bed then.” She helped Kim to the couch and made sure she was wrapped in blankets before going to the kitchen. Left alone, Kim started to panic. She couldn’t protect herself. She hadn’t been able to stop him. Someone was going to hurt her again. She didn’t notice when Shego walked back into the room and put something in front of her. She sat next to Kim, and gestured towards the cup. “I made hot chocolate.” Kim nodded but didn’t reach for the drink.

She continued to stare at the wall as she started to speak quietly. “I wanted to forget him. I was still scared when I saw people who looked like him. And I didn’t want to be. I found someone who looked like him. I thought…I thought it would fix things. So I would know that those people wouldn’t hurt me. But I…now I know what it would have felt like if you hadn’t stopped him.” She suddenly felt so ashamed, so dirty…it had been her choice. She’d _let_ him do that. She’d _wanted_ him to do that. But she didn’t want to say any of that out loud, so she said, “Why are you still here?”

“Remember, I want you to be able to fight me, and there’s no way in hell you could put up a decent fight like this.” Kim started crying again. “Shit, Kim, that’s not what I meant.” _I_ _don’t mind a girl who gives a bit of a fight. His hands on her shoulders, holding her to the wall. His hand on her neck, making her dizzy from the lack of air. Trying to scream around his tongue. Her feet in the air so she couldn’t run away. Trying to push him out of her, but just pulling him further inside._

Shego turned her head so they were facing each other, and Shego’s eyes, bright and concerned, were only a few inches from hers. “I need you to stay with me, Kim. You’re not there. You’re here. You’re on your couch, in your apartment. He can’t touch you here, and if he tries, I’ll burn his fucking hands off.” Kim nodded and buried her face in the crook of Shego’s neck. After a few minutes, she felt herself drifting off to sleep. She tried to fight it, afraid of the nightmares, but Shego’s body was so warm and comfortable and she knew the older woman would protect her. When she was almost asleep, she thought she heard Shego whisper, “Thank god you’re okay.”

–oOo–

Shego looked down at the girl who was sleeping against her. _What the hell is going on?_ She would never admit it out loud, but she’d been terrified when she got the message from Kim’s nerdlinger friend. She’d been almost as terrified when she found Kim — the girl could barely stand on her own. And now that she knew what had happened…she was torn between wanting to throttle her for doing something so stupid and wanting to keep her inside so she could never get hurt again. And either way, she wanted find both of those boys and tear them to shreds for hurting her Princess.

This entire situation was so incredibly fucked. Her archenemy, who had every reason to hate her — who was _supposed to_ hate her, hell, had even _said_ she hated her — trusted her more than anyone else. She tried to put a name on everything that had happened between them. Kim talked to her about her problems, but they weren’t exactly friends. They’d had sex a couple times, but they weren’t just casually fucking either. And there were other things, things that had started after Kim was attacked. The gentle kisses and soft touches. The times Kim fell asleep in her arms. The way she promised to keep Kim safe.

She didn’t want to consider the possibility that she genuinely cared for the younger girl. Didn’t want to admit that there were times when she missed the soft kisses. Or when she wanted Kim to fall asleep in her arms, just so she could remember what it felt like to have someone trust her like that. Or that she sometimes hoped Dr. D came up with a new scheme so she could see Kim again, even if it was just in a fight.

And then there was that last kiss, weeks ago, when Kim was comparing herself to Mark. Shego couldn’t stand to see her sit there and compare herself to a boy who tried to choke her so he could rape her. What Kim did to Shego wasn’t like that, and Shego needed to make her understand. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d kissed someone like that, with real emotion behind it. And it was clear from Kim’s response that she felt it too, that the kiss meant something to both of them. She hadn’t seen the other girl in the three weeks since then, and, as much as she tried to deny it, she still hadn’t stopped thinking about it; even when she slept with other people, nothing came close to that one kiss.

She refused to acknowledge any of this because, at the end of the day, this could never mean anything. She just provided comfort when Kim needed it. It was strictly one-way. Shego didn’t confide in her, didn’t look to her for comfort, and didn’t get anything from it emotionally. She ignored the part of her mind that reminded her of everything she felt when Kim curled up in her arms and fell asleep against her. _It doesn’t mean anything. It_ can’t _mean anything._

Rather than think about any of it, she reminded herself that this was just a way to help Kim get back on her feet. Once that happened, Shego would finally have a decent opponent again. Right now, it was clear that the hero was weighed down by everything that was going on and couldn’t give a hundred percent in their fights. It was frustrating, and Shego wanted it fixed sooner rather than later. She refused to think about what would happen when Kim was able to fight again, when the other girl wouldn’t need Shego to protect her. _I’m doing this because I want to fight her. No feelings attached._ She brushed some hair out of Kim’s face and tucked it behind her ear, and tried to convince herself that it was true.

–oOo–

When Kim woke again, she’d wrapped her arms around Shego, and her head was resting against the older woman’s chest. It felt wrong to constantly trust her enemy this much, and she wasn’t sure why the older woman was being so kind to her — especially since she now knew that Shego didn’t have any real feelings for her — but she didn’t bring it up. She felt like she could fall apart at any moment, and Shego’s arms were the only thing holding her together. She couldn’t remember ever feeling as vulnerable as she had when she first woke up, like she wouldn't be able to fight off anything that threatened her. Like she needed to rely on Shego’s protection to avoid getting hurt again. She turned her head to look up at Shego, and the older woman held her eye contact for several seconds. Kim whispered, “Kiss me,” and Shego did, soft and slow, like she knew Kim might break into pieces if she pushed too hard.

Shego pulled away. “You should eat something.” Kim shook her head and tightened her hold on Shego. She didn’t want to move. Right now, it felt like she was floating in a bubble where that boy didn’t exist. Where Mark didn’t exist. It was just her and Shego curled up on her couch. “I can order food if you don’t want me to get up, but you need to eat something, okay?” Kim nodded. “You can just stay here til the food gets here then.” She pressed her ear against Shego’s chest again and listened to her slow, steady heartbeat, safely wrapped up in the other woman's arms.

When the food arrived and Shego stood up, the spell was broken. Kim sat up and hugged her knees to her chest, resting her forehead against her knees so her face was hidden. Once again, she was alone and exposed, and she could feel his handprints on every inch of her body. Shego came back with the food and sat next to Kim without touching her — she seemed to know that would only make things worse. “I wish I hadn’t done that. I thought it was going to help, but now…I didn’t know what it would feel like if he’d kept going. Before, that was just in the nightmares, but now…now I know. It’s not the other guy, it’s just _him._ The whole time, it felt like it was just him. I can’t get rid of him, I feel him everywhere.”

Shego wrapped a blanket around her shoulders and handed her some food. “You need to eat.”

Kim ignored the comment and looked up at Shego. The older woman quickly looked away, but Kim saw that something had changed. In the morning, her face had been open and full of concern. She still looked concerned, but her expression was a little more guarded now. _What happened while I was asleep?_ “Why are you still here?”

“Kimmie, I don’t know if you’ve been listening to me for the past month and a half, but I want you to get over your goddamn feelings so you can fight me again.” Unlike the last time Shego said that, it sounded like she meant it. Kim wasn’t sure why the edge had returned to Shego’s voice, but she didn’t like it. She wanted to talk to the woman who’d been protecting and caring for her, not the one who threw plasma at her head and tried to hit her with rays of doom. _They’re the same person. She doesn’t care about you._

“You’re not going to be able to fix my feelings today.”

“Yeah well, you still need someone to be there, and I get something out of it in the long run.”

“What do you get?”

Shego smirked. “A sparring partner.” She went back to eating, and Kim went back to staring at the window, trying to stop feeling her skin so clearly. “We saw your friend Grace last night.”

Kim’s head jerked up. “W-we did? What happened?”

“I told her you had a bad night. Said she should leave you alone til tomorrow.”

“Did she seem worried about me?”

“Awww does Kimmie have a crush?” Kim felt her face flush. “Yeah, she seemed a little worried. She asked me to make sure you were okay.”

“She’s the person I brought home last time, and I pushed her away and I don’t want to do that anymore. I was hoping I could get over this so we could…I haven’t even asked her to go on a real date yet.”

“Princess, no one is worth what you did last night.”

“It wasn’t really about that. That’s how it started but I…it wasn’t because of her. I wanted to do this. For me.”

“Good, because _no one_ is worth that shit.”

“I don’t know if I can ask her out now since I don’t think I’ll be able to…”

“If you’re that worried, then tell her truth. If she can’t wait for you to get over this, you don’t want to go out with her anyway.” Shego’s words were serious, but her tone was almost dismissive. “She is pretty though. Not as hot as me, of course, but you could do a lot worse.”

Kim nodded absently. “Can you sit with me again?” Shego wrapped her arms around Kim and let the younger girl rest against her. She leaned down and kissed Kim, a little harder than before. Kim realized that she didn’t care if Shego was only helping so she could fight again. No matter what, Shego wanted her to get better. Even if it was for selfish reasons, even if she didn’t really care about her, she wanted Kim to be okay. Kim kissed Shego again before lowering her head to rest against her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: I realized after posting this that it was much more brutal than I intended it to be, so I'm sorry if it made people uncomfortable. The next update is going to be much easier to read, so hopefully it will be a good way to balance out some of the awfulness from this chapter.
> 
> Summary:  
> Kim was planning to ask Grace out, but wanted to get over her issues with Mark first. She decided to sleep with someone who looked like Mark to help with her fear, but she had repeated flashbacks of when Mark assaulted her. Afterwards, she sent a message to Shego, who took her home and took care of her. On the way back to Kim's apartment, they ran into Grace. Shego also reflected on her interactions with Kim, and the way she felt about their relationship. She frequently missed Kim when they didn't see each other, but decided that she was only doing this to help Kim improve her fighting, and that there couldn't be any feelings attached.


	8. 48 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the last chapter was a little rough, this one is a lot more fluff

Kim was nervous to reach out to Grace on Monday. She’d spent most of Sunday curled up on her couch with Shego. She had homework, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave the other woman’s arms; just being around her made her feel safe. When Shego held her close and kissed her gently, she could pretend the rest of the world wasn’t real. Shego had definitely lost some of the softness she usually had when she was alone with Kim, but Kim still enjoyed her presence and protection. She spent the day trying to avoid thinking about what was happening between them. After she’d seen Shego with another woman, she’d been so sure that the older woman felt nothing for her. But now…She tried to remind herself that there couldn’t be anything between them — she was a hero and Shego was a villain, and their jobs were to fight each other. Right now, she needed comfort and Shego was providing it. It didn’t matter that Shego held her and kissed her softly. It didn’t matter that she missed her warmth when she fell asleep alone. It didn’t matter that she was sometimes tempted to go to Drakken’s lair just to sleep in the other woman’s bed. It didn’t matter that she’d felt irrationally jealous when she saw someone else do these things. Because it _was_ irrational. She had no reason to be jealous of things she could never have. Besides, thinking about it would make everything too real. She wanted to have something real with Grace, and she didn’t want Shego to get in the way of that.

She’d mostly avoided talking to Shego about Grace; it felt wrong to talk about another girl when she was wrapped up in Shego’s warmth. However, she’d thought more about the older woman’s advice and realized she was right. Kim wasn’t going to be able to have sex with Grace for at least a few weeks, and it wasn’t fair to pursue anything without being upfront about that. She was nervous as she texted Grace; she knew she had a lot to explain, and she didn’t know how the other girl would react.

She was even more nervous when she heard the knock on her apartment door. “Kim! Are you okay? You looked pretty bad on Saturday, I was really worried.”

Kim’s almost smiled when Grace said she was worried about her. “Yeah I’m…I’ll explain it.” They walked into Kim’s apartment and sat on the couch. Unlike with Shego, Kim was careful to leave some space between them, and she couldn’t force herself to look at the other girl. “So um…I wanted to ask you if you want to go on a date with me, but there’s some stuff I have to tell you first. I was worried about telling you some of it, but the person I was with on Saturday…she made me see that that it wouldn’t be fair to ask you out without talking to you about this.” _This is probably the least romantic way to ask someone out._

She looked up at Grace, who nodded slowly. “She said she was your sparring partner…?”

Kim understood the question. This part might be more awkward than talking about Mark. “Remember how I said I do community service?” Grace nodded. “Well…have you ever heard the name Kim Possible before?” She watched Grace’s face as she made the connection.

“Oh.”

“Yeah…when I said community service, the community is pretty big. Like, the entire world. But I didn’t want to tell you at first…I was worried that you might want to be around Kim Possible and not just me. Kim.” Before Grace could say anything, she rushed to add, “I promise I was going to tell you before I asked you out.”

Grace seemed to think it over for a minute, then smiled. “I’ve told you you’re cute when you get flustered like that, right?” Kim’s face turned red. “I’m not going to treat you any differently, Kim. Even if you have an interesting definition of community service.” That made her laugh, despite the circumstances. “So is that related to what happened on Saturday?”

All the humor drained from Kim’s face, and she hugged her knees to her chest. “Not really…I haven’t told anyone about it, but She–my sparring partner was right. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ask you out without telling you this. And I won’t be upset if you say no because of it.”

“It’s okay, Kim. I’m listening.”

“Okay.” _I can do this. Just stick to the facts._ “A few weeks ago, someone attacked me while I was walking home. He wanted to make me…do some things. The person I was sparring with…she was walking by, and she stopped him. A couple weeks later, I wanted to try to be with someone else to…to get rid of him. And that’s when I met you, and when you were touching me…all I could think about was being there. With him. That’s why I needed to stop.” In spite of her efforts to keep her emotions in check, Kim started crying. “It wasn’t fair to you, to try to use you to fix all of that. I felt really bad about it about using you like that. Before I asked you out, I wanted to be done with all of that. So on Saturday, I um…I wanted to find someone who looked like him to try to fix things.” Now that she was saying it out loud, it felt ridiculous. _Did I really think that would work?_ “It just made everything worse and now I…I don’t know when I’ll be able to have sex with you.”

There was almost a full thirty seconds of silence before Grace said, “Why did you ask me to get coffee? Was it because you felt bad about the sex?”

“No, I…you just seemed nice. You seemed like…like the sort of person I would want in my life.”

There was more silence. “Did you sleep with the guy this weekend because you wanted to be able to have sex with me?”

“No, I did it for me. It was…It just felt like something I needed to do.”

Kim still hadn’t turned to look at Grace, and she jumped when the other girl touched her shoulder. “It’s okay, Kim. I’m not upset with you. I’m sorry you had to go through that. But you don’t have to feel bad about not having sex with me. I’ll wait for you, okay?” Kim nodded. “Thank you for telling me. And let me know if I ever do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” Kim nodded again and let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. “So…were you going to ask me out? I wouldn’t say no.”

Kim finally looked up and saw the small smile on her face. “I know we haven’t even gone a date yet, but is it too early to ask if I can kiss you?”

Rather than answering, Grace slid closer to Kim, placed one hand on her cheek and kissed her gently. When she pulled back, they were both blushing. “So were you going to tell me about this date you’re planning?”

–oOo–

Kim had originally wanted to wait until after her date to talk to Jess, but her friend had been nagging her all week, demanding to know why she was never around. Kim had been spending most of her free time with Grace, and had started actively avoiding Jess — she thought her friend would notice that something had changed. But she felt like she couldn’t delay it any longer. And she really did want to tell someone. It was the first time since the breakup that she’d actually been excited about something, and she couldn’t wait to share it. For the most part, she’d been turning to Shego to talk about the most important things in her life, but this was one thing she didn’t want to hide from her friends. And the idea of talking to Shego about Grace still made her uncomfortable.

Jess would usually be excited about Kim going on a date — after all, she was constantly trying to set her up with someone — but Kim wasn’t sure how she would react to her going out with another girl. As far as Kim knew, Jess was completely straight. Then again, she had considered herself straight until she slept with Shego. Jess seemed pretty accepting but…what if she was uncomfortable with Kim being bi…or pan…or whatever she was. She didn’t want everything to become weird between them, especially when she had so few friends. But she still asked Jess to come over for dinner on Wednesday.

Jess arrived a few minutes before the pizza did. “So, you said you were going to tell me what’s been up with you. Who’s stealing my friend?”

Kim took a deep breath, trying to hide her nerves. “I’m um…I’m going on a date tomorrow.”

Jess actually squealed in excitement. “Do I know the guy? Is it Mark? Is it Cameron? I thought he wasn’t interested anymore but if you’re—”

“Jess, actually…it’s not a guy.” Kim managed to keep her voice level, but she could feel her heart racing.

The other girl paused for a moment. “Is this like a bounce back from Ron type of thing?”

“No, it’s…I really like her.”

“Well if she makes you happy then that’s cool. So who’s the girl?”

Kim finally let herself smile. “Her name is Grace. We’ve been hanging out for a week and now we’re going on a date.”

“Kim, I haven’t seen you smile like since you broke up with Ron. So this is why you’ve been gone for the past week?” Kim nodded. “Well, good. It’s about time you moved on from that boy. So, tell me about her. And about this date.” Kim was relieved that the gender of the person she was dating hadn’t affected Jess’s reaction.

“Okay…So there’s a fair that’s going to be in town on Friday…”

–oOo–

Kim was incredibly nervous as she waited for Grace outside her apartment building. She was wearing jeans and a plain t-shirt, almost the exact same outfit she had been wearing when she first met Grace, but she was worried it would be too casual for a date. She was relieved when Grace walked out wearing jeans, a tank top, and a blue and black flannel. She smiled at Kim. “Hey.”

“Hi.” Kim smiled, but she felt nervous — she’d never been on a real “first date” before, and she finally understood why people were always so worried. “Do you want to…um…go?”

Grace laughed. “Let’s go.”

Kim wasn’t sure if they should hold hands or not, so she kept her hands next to her side and let Grace decide. They walked a little closer than normal, and their hands occasionally brushed, but neither of them grabbed the other's hand. Even though they’d been talking without a problem for a couple weeks already, their interactions suddenly felt stiff and awkward, and never moved past polite small talk. Kim finally asked about Grace’s sister, which broke the ice, and they were talking and laughing normally by the time they reached the fair.

They walked around, playing different games, and Kim noticed that they were gradually moving closer to each other. At first, when one of them playing a game, the other would stand a few feet away, then a foot, then so close that they were nearly touching. Eventually, when Kim was having trouble with one of the shooting games, Grace walked up behind her, rested her chin on her shoulder, and reached around to guide her hands. Kim could feel the warmth of her body pressing against her back, and _a wall against her back, no way to escape_ suddenly felt trapped instead of comforted. Her whole body tensed, and Grace immediately stepped away. “Kim, are you—”

“I’m fine, please just…please don’t do that again.”

Grace nodded, then moved to stand next to Kim. From that position, she once again placed her hands on Kim’s to guide her in the game. Her hands were warm and soft and Kim suddenly found it very hard to concentrate. “Is this better?”

Kim felt her face growing hot. “Y-yeah this is good.”

When the game was done, Grace casually asked, “Did you like that game?” with a half-smirk, and Kim’s face flushed an even brighter red as she tried to stutter out a reply. They shared some cotton candy and funnel cake, then went back to playing games. Grace won a small stuffed animal and immediately offered it to Kim, and they both blushed a little as she accepted it.

Eventually, Kim said, “I think they’re closing soon, we should probably go.”

“Okay, but I think there’s one more thing we should do first.” Curious, Kim followed Grace to the Ferris wheel. After all her time jumping out of planes, she thought Ferris wheels were kind of slow and boring. Still, she didn’t protest when Grace led her to a seat. Kim rested her head on the other girl’s shoulder as the Ferris wheel started to move.

When they reached the top, Kim was captivated by the view. Even after everything she’d seen, it was always amazing to look out over the city she lived in. “This view is beautiful.”

“Kim?” Kim turned to look at her, and Grace cupped her cheek with one hand. “If you asked for a kiss before our first date, I’m pretty sure I can ask for one now.” She leaned in until Kim felt her breath against her lips, and her eyes closed reflexively. She felt Grace’s lips brush against hers as the Ferris wheel started to move again.

They left after that, and Grace grabbed her hand as they walked back towards her building. When they got there, Kim felt all of her awkwardness return, and she stared at her shoes. “I um, I had a really good time tonight. If you want to—” She was cut off when Grace gently tilted her face up and kissed her again.

“I had a good time too. I’ll text you later, okay?”

Kim smiled. “Yeah, okay.” She was still smiling when she got back to her apartment. She checked her phone for the first time and saw three messages from Jess, demanding to know how the date was going. Rather than replying, she called her.

“So how was it?”

“It was amazing, she’s just so nice. She won a stuffed animal and gave it to me, then she said she wanted to go on the Ferris wheel and she kissed me at the top.”

“You know that’s a cliché, right?”

“I know, but we were at the top and there was a great view of the entire city and it felt we were on top of the world and then she kissed me.”

Jess laughed. “You know you’re rambling right? I’m glad you had a good time. Was it better than going on dates with Ron?”

“Ron took me to Bueno Nacho. Or pulled out a coupon book and told me to order off the kids menu. One time he did both.”

“Seriously? Well, it’s good that you’re done with him and dating this girl now. Look, I need to go, but we’ll talk more tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” Kim was still smiling.

–oOo–

The next day, Kim had lunch with Jess, who insisted on hearing all the details of the date. Kim was excited to share, but held back some small pieces. The feel of the other girl’s hands on hers. The smirk she wore after, and the shy smile when she offered the stuffed animal to Kim. The feel of their fingers laced together, and the kiss on the Ferris wheel that, while not passionate, was more gentle than anything Kim had ever felt. Even though these moments stood out to Kim, she knew she would never tell Jess about them. They were small and private and perfect.

When Jess got up to get water, Kim looked at her phone and saw a message from Grace. _So I know you’re supposed to wait a few days before asking about another date, but there’s a movie coming out on Tuesday that I really want to see. Is it okay if I buy 2 tickets?_ Kim quickly replied. _Sounds perfect :)_

“Seeing you like this is a little weird, y’know?” Kim looked up, having completely missed Jess’s return because she was so distracted by Grace’s message. “First off, you’re never this happy. Don’t get me wrong, you’re never like, depressed or anything like that, but the way you’re smiling right now is kinda creepy. And you usually don’t think about anything except homework and missions unless I drag you out of your apartment.” Kim opened her mouth to defend herself. “I know, I know, those are very important and take up a lot of time and all that. All I’m saying is, it’s good for you to have something else to think about. Something happier.” Kim hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “So what are you smiling about now?”

“We’re going to see a movie on Tuesday.”

“What movie?”

“I don’t know, she’s buying tickets. She said she really wants to see it.”

“Yeah this is the whole smiling thing I was talking about. It’s good to see you being happy.”

“Thanks Jess.” She really did feel happy, for the first time since her breakup with Ron. 

–oOo–

Kim met Grace at the theatre, and the other girl immediately grabbed her hand — there was no hesitation this time. “So what moving are we seeing today?”

Grace blushed and looked down. “It’s the new Disney movie.”

Kim realized that the other girl was worried about her reaction, and she squeezed her hand to reassure her. “Well, then let’s go.” They walked into the building, still holding hands, and found seats in the theatre. Kim tried to pay attention to the movie, but she was too distracted by Grace. Kim was leaning her head on her shoulder, and all she could smell was the other girl’s perfume. Kim had never liked perfume, but she finally understood why people wore it. Their bucket of popcorn was on Kim lap, and she was almost certain Grace intentionally brushed against her each time she reached for some. She lifted her head to look at the other girl, and the small smirk on her face confirmed it. Feeling the warmth on her shoulder disappear, Grace turned to look at her, and their faces were inches apart.

Kim whispered, “Shouldn’t you be watching the movie?”

“You haven’t been.” Grace leaned forward and kissed her, and, as her eyes closed, Kim saw that the people on the screen were kissing too.

When Grace pulled back, Kim whispered, “I think you missed their first kiss.”

“It’s okay, I got a better one.” She kissed Kim again, quickly, before turning back to the movie. This time, when she looked at Grace’s face, she saw a genuine smile instead of a smirk, and it made her smile too. On an impulse, she put her hand on Grace’s cheek to turn her head and kissed her again, for a little longer than before. She pulled back, blushing, and immediately put her head back on Grace’s shoulder, enjoying the warmth of the other girl as she tried to focus on the rest of the movie.

–oOo–

“Kim, you know this homework is due tomorrow, right?” Kim jumped at the sound of Jess’s voice.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’ve been working on it.”

“No, you’ve been staring at your phone, waiting for Grace to text you back.” As she said that, Kim’s phone lit up. She read the message and smiled as she started typing. “So what’s up now?”

“We’re getting coffee on Thursday.”

“Now that your date is worked out, you should probably be moving on to chemistry. Y’know, the homework that’s due _tomorrow._ ”

Kim tried to clear her thoughts. She hadn’t realized she was so distracted by Grace, but Jess was right. She had to finish her homework. After an hour, Alex joined them to work on it, and they left the library together when they were done. “Do you guys want to work on the lab report after class on Thursday?”

Jess glanced at Kim, who just shrugged. She didn’t know why Alex was volunteering to work on a lab report either. “I don’t think Kim can make it. She has—” She stopped talking when she saw the look on Kim’s face.

However, Alex was not deterred by Jess’s sudden hesitance. “What does she have? Is it a secret?”

Kim took a deep breath to steady herself. “I…I have a date.” Alex raised his eyebrows, and she took it as a signal to continue. “I’ve been dating someone for the past week, and we’re getting coffee on Thursday.”

“That’s fine, you could’ve just said that.” Even though his words were accusatory, his tone was casual. “So why exactly is this a secret?”

Jess was suddenly very interested in the sidewalk and refused to meet Kim’s glare. “I’m dating a girl.” She blurted it out before she had a chance to change her mind.

“That’s cool. Anyone I would know?” Kim was relieved that, like Jess, he was more interested in the fact that she was dating someone than in the fact that the person was a girl. Even though she missed her friends from home and wished she could talk to Monique or her mother about this, she was glad she’d become closer with her college friends. Even if there were many things she still couldn’t tell them about, it was nice to know that there were still two people who she could talk to.

–oOo–

Kim was exhausted when she woke up on Wednesday, despite having slept for nine hours the previous night. She forced herself to go to class, but was starting to feel dizzy by the time she made it back to her apartment. She knew she should eat, but even the thought of food was unappealing. She slowly drank a glass of water, which made her nauseous, then climbed into bed and closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure if she was already asleep when the Kimmunicator went off. “It’s Drakken and Shego.”

She groaned. “I’m sick, can you ask Global Justice to handle it?”

“Yeah, you don’t look so good. I’ll talk to Doctor Director.”

The screen faded to black, and Kim rolled onto her side and pulled the blanket over her head. When she woke, it was early the next morning. She felt weak and lightheaded when she got out of bed, but she forced herself take a shower and drink more water. Her throat felt like sandpaper, but the water did little to help. She tried to make tea, but the dizziness was getting worse, so she walked back to her bed before collapsing onto it. She managed to text Grace that she wouldn’t be able to see her that afternoon, before falling asleep again. She spent most of her day in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, until she woke up and there was someone else sitting on her bed. “Shego? Why are you here?”

“Well, Global Justice sent their goons to stop me and Dr. D yesterday, and fighting them was pretty fucking boring, so I wanted to know why the hell I had to beat up those self-righteous, poorly trained assholes instead of you.” Her mind felt a little foggy, but Kim was impressed by Shego’s precise cursing. “How long have you been sick?”

“Just since yesterday. I was going to ask Grace to bring me some soup.” Even though Shego knew Kim and Grace were dating, she didn’t like the idea of the other girl taking care of her Princess. She didn’t want her to bring her soup or hold her while she slept or kiss her forehead under the pretense of checking for a fever. That was her job, and like hell was she going to let someone else take over it.

“Since I’m already here, how about I make some soup instead?”

Kim shook her head and Shego prepared herself to be pushed away. “Stay here, you’re warm.” She moved over on the bed to make room for her.

Shego felt an unexpected surge of relief. “Okay Princess, I’ll stay with you.” She crawled under the blanket and wrapped herself around Kim, holding her close and letting the girl tuck her head under her chin. Shego didn’t expect to fall asleep, but laying in the warm bed, holding onto her Princess, she found herself struggling to stay awake, until she finally gave in and slept.

Shego woke first and tried to get up to make soup, but found that Kim was holding her in place. The younger girl had wrapped her arms and legs around her, and her face was buried in Shego’s neck. Normally this would make Shego feel trapped, but instead she was pleased that Kim saw her as a source of comfort. Even in her sleep, Kim wanted to be near her. When Kim finally woke, she looked around, momentarily confused, then tried to press closer to the warm body next to her.

“Princess, I need to get up so I can make soup.” Kim only shook her head and tightened her hold on Shego. After several minutes of coaxing, Kim relented and Shego was able to climb out of bed. Kim surprised her by sitting up and following her.

“I’m getting up too.” Even in Kim’s current state, Shego decided it was best to avoid arguing. She waited for Kim to reach the end of the bed, then put an arm around her waist when she started to sway. She helped the younger girl to the couch and wrapped her in a blanket before making tea. She stayed long enough to make sure that Kim was drinking it before she went back to the kitchen to cook soup.

When she returned with the soup, she was pleased to see that half the tea was already gone. Kim ate the soup in small spoonfuls, never looking up from the bowl. When she was done, she put the bowl on the floor, curled up next to Shego, and went back to sleep. Shego wrapped another blanket around both of them and moved to a more comfortable position, pulling Kim so she was partially sitting on her lap and leaning against her chest. The motion didn’t disturb her sleep, and Shego was once again affected by Kim’s overwhelming trust in her.

She was surprised when Kim spoke up, clearly still half asleep. “Hey Shego? You know I don’t hate you, right?”

Shego kissed the top of her head. “I know, Princess. Go back to sleep.”

“Will you stay?”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Kim pulled the blankets more tightly around them and leaned back against Shego’s chest. In less than a minute, she was asleep again.

 _She doesn’t hate me._ The electrical tower incident had haunted Shego ever since it happened. Even though she knew that Kim didn’t actually hate her, and probably never had outside of that moment, she’d always felt bad about her role in hurting Kim, even if she hadn’t known the full scope of Drakken’s plan. Hell, she would’ve felt bad about messing with anyone like that. Shego was evil, but she didn’t like screwing with people’s brains and feelings — she preferred beating them up and leaving their minds intact. She would have felt bad about doing that to anyone, but the fact that it was Kim made it much worse — even then, she’d respected her as a fighter. But now… _She doesn’t hate me._ Shego couldn’t stop herself from smiling a little, and, even as she tried to supress the reaction, she knew the reason. She’d spent the past month trying to convince herself that she was wrong, trying to deny any feelings that she had for the younger girl, but she knew the truth. The last time she saw Kim, she’d tried to convince herself that she didn’t feel anything, but she was wrong. Her feelings for Kim were more than she would feel for a friend, or an opponent, or someone she just wanted to protect. She missed Kim every day that she didn’t see her. She wanted to hold her every night when she fell asleep. She wanted to kiss her, gentle or rough, clothed or unclothed. She wanted to keep her safe and make sure nothing ever hurt her again. It wasn’t love, not yet, but she knew it was a very real possibility in the future. It didn’t matter that Kim was her enemy, or six years younger than her, or dating someone else. _God fucking dammit._

“What the hell am I supposed to do with you, Princess?” she whispered into Kim’s hair. Shego didn’t _do_ feelings. She didn’t like caring about other people. It made her soft and it made her weak; it gave her a vulnerability she hadn’t had before. She hadn’t been in a relationship since high school, and even that hadn’t lasted very long. _I’m getting ahead of myself with this relationship shit._ Kim was dating someone else. She clearly didn’t reciprocate Shego’s feelings, and Shego acknowledged that it was probably better that way. Frankly, she wasn’t sure what she would do if Kim returned her feelings, and if she wanted them to have something more than what they already did. That would be difficult, if not impossible. But it didn’t matter, because Kim was dating Grace. Rather than thinking about how much that hurt, she just held on to Kim a little more tightly, determined to enjoy this moment.

–oOo–

When Kim woke again, it was late afternoon. She was somewhat surprised to find herself sitting on Shego’s lap on the couch, but she was also much too warm and comfortable to question it. “Hey Princess. How’re you feeling?” Kim made a small noise in response. She was startled when she felt Shego’s lips against her forehead. “Well, you don’t have a fever.” That was total BS — Shego’s body temperature was naturally too high to judge that — but Kim didn’t need to know that. And she did look better, so that was close enough.

Rather than acknowledging Shego’s comment, Kim pushed herself to sit up a little so she could see Shego’s face. The movement didn’t make her dizzy, which was a significant improvement over a few hours ago. “Why are you taking care of me? Is it just because you want to be able to fight me again?”

Shego’s voice was oddly gentle as she answered, “No Princess, I’m doing it because I want you to feel better.”

Kim nodded, both surprised by and satisfied with the answer. “Can I have more soup?”

“Sure, I’ll go get some more soup. And you’re drinking a glass of water when I get back.” Shego left before Kim could reply. Now that her thoughts felt a little less cloudy, she realized she was probably being a little too physical with Shego. She was already involved with someone, so she shouldn’t be falling asleep wrapped around another woman or napping on her lap. Shego was warm and comfortable, but she wasn’t the girl Kim was dating. Whatever was happening between them, they weren’t dating; Kim wasn’t even sure if she would call them friends. People did not ask their friends to lay in bed with them. People did not fall asleep sitting on their friends’ laps. Shego walked in with another bowl of soup, and Kim started eating it before Shego had another chance to pull her closer.

“I missed all my classes today.”

Shego rolled her eyes. “You were too sick to get out of bed. I think you have an excuse.”

“I guess I do. I should probably start catching up on homework though. Thank you for um…thank you for taking care of me.”

Shego didn’t offer a sarcastic comeback or an obnoxious comment. “It’s fine. I’ll see you later Princess, okay?” Kim nodded. She thought she might be disappointed when Shego left, but she was just glad that she wouldn’t need to focus on what she should and shouldn’t do with her. _I don’t need Shego to touch me, I have Grace._ The last part made her smile. _I have Grace._


	9. 59 days since breakup

Jess asked to talk to Kim after class on Friday. She immediately agreed, but was surprised when her friend started with, “Do you remember that guy Cameron?”

Kim thought for a couple seconds — she was sure Jess had mentioned him before. “He plays soccer, right? Is that the one that used to like me?”

“Yep. Big emphasis on _used to_ though. Him and I have been working on an econ project for a couple weeks, and he asked me out yesterday. So we’re going on a date tonight.”

Kim wasn’t surprised that Jess had a date with a new boy, but this was the first time she’d never insisted on talking about a date before it happened. She was smiling, but also looked oddly…nervous? “Didn’t you say he might be looking for something serious?”

Jess blushed, possibly for the first time since Kim met her. “Well I think we'll just see how it goes.”

Kim grinned. “So you actually like him?”

“Well now that you have a girlfriend who’s, y’know, in the same time zone as us, I need someone else to spend my time with.”

“You’re avoiding the question.” After a moment, she added, “She’s not really my girlfriend, we’ve been dating for less than two weeks.”

“But you want her to be your girlfriend.”

Kim felt her face getting hot. “It’s only been two weeks so um— I-I guess would be okay with that. Like, in the future.” She regained some of her confidence. “And you’d be okay with Cameron being your boyfriend?”

It was Jess’s turn to blush again. “Well we haven’t even been on _one_ date, so I think I’ll hold off on answering that.”

They continued walking as Jess told her more about Cameron. Kim smiled; after all the random guys Jess had dated, it was nice to see her talking about someone she genuinely liked. As they started walking back towards Kim’s apartment, she heard Grace call her name. Jess grinned. “So Kim, you wanna tell me who this is?” Her smile made it clear that she’d already figured it out.

“Oh um…Jess, this is Grace. Grace, this is my friend Jess.”

“It’s nice to meet you Grace. Kim has said some _very_ positive things about you.” Jess was still grinning, and Kim glared at her.

“That’s good to know. It's nice to meet you too. I was wondering if I could talk to Kim for a couple minutes before we leave for break?”

“She’s all yours. See you later, Kim.”

“See you later. Tell Cameron I say hi.” Now it was Jess’s turn to glare as she walked away.

Grace took Kim’s hand. “Who’s Cameron?”

“A guy she’s going out with.” After a moment, she added, “Apparently he used to like me.”

“Do I have anything to be jealous about?” _She would have been jealous._ The thought made Kim giddy.

“No, nothing at all.” She smiled at Grace, and the other girl kissed her quickly.

“That’s good, I don’t want anyone stealing you. You’re going back to Colorado tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah. I’m a little nervous…I don’t know what I’ll do if everyone still hates me.”

Grace squeezed her hand. “Kim, I’m so sorry. You can always call me if you need to talk about it, okay?”

“Thanks.” They walked in silence until they reached Kim’s building. “I guess I’ll see you after break then.”

“Then I should probably give you something to remember me by.” She stepped closer, then leaned down and kissed her, long and slow. “I’ll see you after break.” Kim just stared at her as she walked away.

–oOo–

Kim had told Grace she was nervous to go back to Middleton, but, getting off the plane, she decided that “nervous” wasn’t a strong enough word. _Maybe terrified. That might be a little better._ She was surprised to see her brothers waiting for her at the airport.

“Mom and Dad–”

“–are both at work–”

“–so we offered to pick you up.”

Kim stared at them for a moment, trying to figure out how much they knew about her and Ron, and what they thought about it. “Um…thanks. You guys can drive _safely_ , right?”

“We passed our driving test last month,” Jim started.

“Hicka bicka boo–”

“–hoosha. Our new cars are totally tricked out.”

She tried to wrap her mind around the fact that her _younger_ brothers were driving her home. “You guys got new cars?”

“Well we didn’t _get_ them exactly,” Tim explained.

“We built them out of parts they were throwing away at the space center. And they’re _fast_.”

“Please just don’t kill me on the drive back,” she muttered. They continued walking in slightly uncomfortable silence. Kim could tell that her brothers also wanted to bring up the topic, but weren’t sure how to do it. _Well, I’ve had this conversation before._ “Do you know if Mom and Dad are looking forward to seeing me?”

Jim and Tim exchanged a look before Tim answered, “I think you should talk to them about that.”

“So that’s a no.”

“Not exactly. We tried to show them some of the stuff we talked about with Wade–”

“–which proves that you contacted Wade first–”

“–which means that you were actually the first one to tell anyone about it.”

Kim interrupted, “One at a time? Please?” She hadn’t spoken to her brothers for a few months, and it had been hard enough to understand even when she was talking to them every day.

Even without looking, she knew they were rolling her eyes. Jim started, “We talked to Wade after you called Mom, because everything she believed was based on the fact that she heard from the Stoppables before she heard from you, which meant you were hiding it. That seemed weird, so we got in touch with Wade, and he said that you talked to him before Ron did. Because Ron talked to everyone on the same day, that means that you were actually the first person to tell _anyone_ about the breakup.”

Tim picked it up from there. “We thought that would at least get Mom and Dad to call you back, but they weren’t completely convinced. But we’ve been nagging them about it for a couple weeks, and I _think_ we’ve worn them down enough that they’ll at least listen to what you have to say.”

“You guys did that…for me?” It was more effort than she would have expected…more than she’d gotten from anyone except Shego.

“Of course, big sis. Besides, it was the least we could do after we used the sloth for parts when we built our cars.”

“You did _what_?”

“We convinced Mom and Dad to listen to your side of the story.”

“That’s not what—”

“Relax, we only took some of the cool stuff. Your car still works like a car, just a little closer to a normal car,” Tim reassured her.

“Look, it’s the Jimminator!” Jim interrupted as his car came into view. Kim was nervous when her brother started the car, but she relaxed as they drove towards their house. Since they’d been controlling robots and rockets for years, she shouldn’t have been surprised that they could drive a car in normal traffic. Her brothers were talking about their senior year of high school, but Kim was only half listening, trying to prepare herself to see her parents. She texted Grace _Just landed, on my way home now._ Grace quickly replied, _Good luck with your family, let me know if you need to talk after._ Despite her nerves, Kim smiled to herself when she saw the message. She wasn’t sure what she’d done to attract someone like Grace.

Her parents still weren’t home when they got back, and Kim was both disappointed and relieved that she could put off seeing them. She went up to her room and sat on her bed, and couldn’t help but compare her current situation to the last time she was home. During winter break, she’d spent a week and a half in Japan with Ron before returning to Middleton. After she got back, she’d spent her days with Monique and her nights with her family. Ron had even come back for Christmas, and she’d celebrated the holiday with everyone she loved. Now…there was no trip to see Ron. She’d cancelled those plane tickets weeks ago. She wouldn’t be seeing Monique during the day, and she wasn’t sure if her parents would want her around at night. _Why the hell did I even come back?_

For the first time in her life, she was uncomfortable in her own room. She wasn’t the same person who’d grown up there anymore. Too much had happened, too much had changed…this room didn’t know anything about her breakup with Ron, or Shego, or Mark, or Grace. Being home, if she wanted to, she could pretend that most of that wasn’t real. She could sit in a room that didn’t know about any of that, and be a different person. Still a person with an ex-boyfriend who cheated and lied, but a person who didn’t trust her archenemy, didn’t have sex with her, didn’t sleep with people to get over her issues, didn’t date a girl she met at a bar …didn’t date girls at all. The person who grew up here…she didn’t know about any of that, and she didn’t _want_ any of it. Kim didn’t want some of it either, but she couldn’t pretend it wasn’t real. But for just a minute…it was so tempting to be someone else. Maybe someone who threw Shego out of her apartment the first time, or called Monique and cried the day she broke up with Ron, or never went to the bar on the night Mark attacked her.

She was startled out of her thoughts when she heard a knock on her door. Hoping it was her mother coming to check on her, she called “Come in,” and forced herself to look, if not happy, at least a little less depressed.

She was glad that she’d done it when her brothers walked up the stairs, looking anywhere except her face. She sighed. “Spit it out, tweebs.” Despite her words, her tone was exhausted rather than angry.

“Mom just got pulled into an emergency surgery–”

“–and Dad said he has to stay overnight to monitor a launch–”

“So they won’t be home tonight?” Kim finished for them.

“Yeah. They told us to order pizza and go to bed but…we were thinking of ordering pizza and playing some games,” Jim said.

“Not video games,” Tim rushed to add. Both boys looked almost embarrassed as he explained, “We were thinking we could play board games or something. Like…the three of us. While Mom and Dad aren’t home.”

Kim hugged them before they could see the tears in her eyes. She was going to get one night of normalcy, one night of _family_. No matter what happened with her parents tomorrow, her brothers were making sure that she would have one night to experience what her family was supposed to be. “You guys are the best brothers ever.”

–oOo–

When Kim got out of bed late Sunday morning, she found both her parents sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, while her brothers tried to attach some sort of device to the oven. Everyone became silent when Kim walked in. Her brothers quietly detached the device and left the room, but one of them gave her a thumbs up as they were walking out. “Welcome home Kim,” her mother said. Her smile, while a little forced, was much more genuine than she would have expected. Looking at them, at these people who had cared for her for her entire life, who had raised her to always tell the truth, Kim felt like something inside her was breaking. She loved them so much and she knew they loved her too but…

“Do you even want me here?” Her voice was quiet and contained an edge that she hadn’t intended.

“Of course we want you here. We wanted to be here last night, but you know how it is with work sometimes,” her mother answered.

“That’s not what I meant. I…” Kim was suddenly at a loss for words. She knew this was their fault and they should be the ones defending themselves, but she was desperate for them to accept her, to see that she was still the same person they’d raised. “Why do you want me around if you think I cheated on Ron? You didn’t raise a _liar_ , so why would you keep one around?” The harshness of her words surprised her, but she was already holding back tears.

Her parents seemed taken aback too, and it was her father who answered this time. “Now Kimmie-cub, you’re our daughter, we’ll always love you. But you’re right, we didn’t raise you to do things like this, and we’re very disappointed—” He was cut off by his wife placing a hand on his arm. As he spoke, Kim had started crying and there was a hollowness in her eyes that scared her mother. It looked like every word was cutting her into a smaller person.

“Honey, why don’t we listen to what she has to say? Come here, sit with us.” Kim sat, but as far from her parents as possible. She didn’t even register the pain in her mother’s eyes.

Kim felt desperate. This was it. This was her one chance to convince her parents that what she'd said was true, that she was still the person they’d raised, that this _wasn’t her fault._ They’d hurt her and maybe they would apologize later, once they accepted the truth, but for now she just wanted to get rid of that look of disappointment on her father’s face. She thought of that look, of the tone of his voice as he said they hadn’t raised her like this. They were _disappointed_ in her. She’d _failed_ them, even without doing anything. They’d always been there for her, through everything in her life, and now…She couldn’t think of the words to say, and she just cried more. Her mother reached out to put a hand on her shoulder, but Kim flinched away. She had always looked to her mother as a source of comfort, but right now she felt anything but comforted by her presence.

Eventually, she managed to speak, still crying. “He cheated on me for two and a half years. With Yori. He wanted to still be friends but I wouldn’t talk to him…he said that I hurt him and he wanted to hurt me back. He lied to everyone because he wanted to hurt me back. And when he called me, I told him you were disappointed in me and he…he didn’t even feel bad.” Her tears were falling faster now. “Everyone here hates me. Everyone thinks I did that to him and you…you’re my parents, and you wouldn’t even listen to me when I tried to tell you the truth. You just took his side without even…”

“We just don’t think Ron would do this to you.” Her father’s words _hurt_ , and she snapped.

“And you think it’s something I would do to him? You raised me and _trusted_ me for twenty-one years and when someone _on a different continent_ says I did something like this, you immediately take his side? You didn’t even think that maybe it wasn’t true? You just thought I…”

Kim’s father opened his mouth to speak, but his wife shook her head at him and really looked at Kim. Her daughter had never looked this broken before, not even when she’d discovered her prom date was a synthodrone. She was obviously in pain, and it was clear that the pain was caused, not by her breakup with Ron, but by her parents’ lack of faith in her. Kim’s mother suddenly felt sick. Kim wouldn’t be this upset if she was lying or hiding something. She would only be this upset if…if everything she’d said was true. If Ron had cheated on her, and her parents were punishing her for it. “It’s okay, Kim, we believe you.” Kim’s father opened his mouth to speak again, but her mother kicked him under the table. She would explain it to him later.

Kim threw her into her mother’s arms and held on tight. She was still crying, but now out of relief that this part was over. She should be upset that her parents had taken this long and had hurt her so much, and maybe she would later, but at that moment, all she felt was overwhelming relief. _My parents believe me. They’re not disappointed in me anymore._

In the other room, her brothers high fived. “Hicka bicka boo–”

“–hoosha.”

–oOo–

Even though Kim was relieved that her parents believed her, she still wasn’t sure how to interact with them. Her implicit trust in them had been eroded by the realization that they didn’t trust her nearly as much. And it didn’t help that they hadn’t apologized. The guilt was clear every time her mother looked at her, but they hadn’t said anything yet. She spent most of her time on Monday getting ahead on homework and finalizing her plans to work in an on-campus lab over the summer. That night at dinner, they mostly talked about which colleges the tweebs were applying to. After they ate, she immediately went back up to her room. This was better than the crushing disappointment, but it still hurt that she’d lost her easy relationship with her parents. It would take time to rebuild that, but it couldn’t even start until they apologized.

On Tuesday, while her parents were at work and her brothers were at school, she called Grace. The conversation made her feel a little better, but after she got off the phone, she started crying again. She was glad that her parents had forgiven her, but that was the issue — they thought there was something to forgive her for, when she hadn’t actually done anything. Even knowing how much they’d hurt her, they hadn’t acknowledged it. She found herself missing Shego again. She wanted the older woman to hold her and tell her everything would be okay, just as she had so many times. But she knew that it couldn’t even start to be okay until her parents said they were sorry.

She was hopeful when they asked to talk to her before dinner. Her mother started, “Kim, we realized that we made a huge mistake by not trusting you, or even listening to what you had to say. You’ve never done anything to disappoint us, and we shouldn’t have assumed you were lying to us now. We didn’t realize how much we were hurting you, and we really regret all of it. We’re so sorry that we put you through that…is there any way you can forgive us?”

Kim wasn’t sure if she wanted to throw herself into her mother’s arms or run out of the house. She glanced cautiously at her father, who had remained silent throughout the exchange. He jumped when his wife kicked him again. “Right! You’ve never disappointed us, I’m sorry I said you did.” Kim sighed. That was a pretty pathetic apology, but she really shouldn’t have expected much from her father. Her mother looked genuinely regretful, but more than that, she looked like she was in real pain because of the pain she’d caused Kim. Even if the actually apology had been pretty bad, that meant more than anything they’d said. Still, it didn’t make up for everything that had happened.

“I can try but…it’s going to take a little while. I’m glad you apologized and I love you a lot but it…it hurt that you thought I would do something like that, and that you didn’t even listen when I tried to explain. So I think I can forgive you, but it’s going to take some time.”

Her mother nodded. “We understand. We…we really didn’t mean to hurt you that much. And we love you too.” Her father nodded in agreement.

Kim immediately thought of ten different replies, all of them angry. Eventually, all she came up with was “Thank you.” She fought to keep from crying again. Even if it hadn’t been a good apology, it felt like it was the first step to fixing things.

At dinner that night, her parents asked about her classes, and her brothers baited her into a discussion about physics. After they ate, they all piled onto the couches and watched a movie together. On Wednesday, her mother managed to schedule all her surgeries in the morning so they could go shopping together in the afternoon. That night, they went out to dinner at Kim’s favorite restaurant. It all felt incredibly awkward, but it was more than she’d expected at the start of break. Her parents were trying to make things better, to make things right. To show that they still cared. To show that, with work, it might be possible to recreate the relationship they had before. Still, Kim was hesitant to trust in this forced, fake normalcy.

On Thursday at dinner, Kim asked if either of her brothers was dating anyone. Tim grinned and started talking about his girlfriend, who he’d met when they were assigned to work together on an English project. The tweebs were great at science and math, but less stellar in English and history. Tim had tried his best, but the girl had really done most of the work. He felt bad, and started tutoring her in algebra to make up for it. Soon, their study dates became actual dates.

Kim smiled at the way he talked about her. At the end, Jim added, “He only has a girlfriend because she didn’t meet me before they started dating. If she had, she would’ve gone for the good-looking twin.”

Tim looked smug. “I think she did anyway.”

Kim’s mother sighed in exasperation. “Boys, we’ve been over this before. You’re identical. You’re both the good-looking twin.”

The boys looked at each other and shrugged. “So Kim,” Jim asked slyly, “any new boyfriends?”

Kim felt her heart stop, then speed up wildly. There was no way they could know she was dating someone, much less that she was dating a girl. Before she could try to form a response, her father replied, “Jim, stop making fun of your sister. She just broke up with Ron, it’s too early for her to be dating someone else.”

Kim’s mother looked at Kim, whose face was slightly red. “Kim, is there someone else?”

“I um…maybe? Kind of?”

Her father raised his eyebrows, and his voice was firm when he spoke. “Kimmie-cub, it is much too early for you to be dating someone else after breaking up with Ron. You were together for almost four years, you shouldn’t be moving on so quickly.”

Kim felt all of her anger return. When she spoke, her voice was quiet and controlled. “It’s too early for me to be moving on? Too early for _me_ to be moving on from my relationship with Ron? He moved on two and a half years ago, but two months isn’t long enough for _me?_ ”

Her father looked a little less certain, but still spoke firmly. “Yes. You were together for almost four years, you can’t just start dating someone else so soon. I’m very—”

“James, stop.” Kim’s mother cut him off before he could finish the sentence, but it was clear what he’d intended to say.

“You’re what? You’re very disappointed in me?”

“That’s not—”

“Then what were you going to say?” His silence answered for him. “That seems to be a fucking trend, doesn’t it?” She left the table and went upstairs, leaving her family shocked.

“James, why did you say that? We’re not disappointed in her.”

“Well, she shouldn’t be moving on that fast.”

“Then you should have said you’re disappointed in what she’s doing. She thinks we’re disappointed in who she is as a person.”

“Why would she think that?” Kim’s mother just shook her head and went upstairs to talk to her daughter. By the time she got there, Kim’s room was empty. She tried to call her phone, but Kim didn’t pick up. She sat down at her daughter’s desk. Sitting there, looking around her daughter’s empty room, the room they had driven her out of, Kim’s mother buried her head in her hands and cried.

–oOo–

Kim called Wade and asked for a ride back to California. She could tell he wanted to ask why, and was grateful when he didn’t question it; he could probably guess that it was related to Ron. Rather than having the pilot drop her off near her apartment, she asked him to drop her closer to Drakken’s lair, though not close enough that Wade would be suspicious if he found out. She could always say she’d wanted to walk back to campus to clear her head.

She made her way to Shego’s room and, having learned from her past mistakes, knocked on the door. Shego opened the door, scowling, clearly expecting to see Drakken. “What the hell—” The anger drained from her voice when she realized who was standing in front of her. “Kimmie? Why are you here? Aren’t you supposed to be on spring break?”

Kim took a deep breath. “I could kinda use a sparring partner right now.”

Shego smirked. “Well, I’ll never say no to a fight with you Cupcake.” Shego led her to a small hovercraft hidden just outside the lair. It was so small that Kim could feel Shego’s warmth radiating across the space that separated them. “So why are you back at school early?”

“I went home and I talked to my parents about Ron. They um…they believe me now.”

“You don’t sound too happy about that, Kimmie.”

“I cried a lot.”

“You cry in front of me all the time.”

“I know, but that’s…you’re special. Tonight they found out I was I was dating someone and…it didn’t go well.”

“They didn’t like that you were dating a girl, huh?”

“We never even got that far. I don’t know if they’d have a problem with that but they just totally freaked. They said I was getting over Ron too quickly. I pointed out that he got over me a couple years ago, but it…just didn’t go well. They said they were disappointed in me again…” Kim trailed off and looked away, feeling the tears on her face.

“So you left?”

“Yeah. I…maybe I should have given them another chance, but they just…It hurts so much. They’ve always been there for me, and I don’t think I can hear my father call me a disappointment one more time.” She was crying more now, and Shego turned to wrap her arms around her. She tensed and pulled away. “Shego—”

“It’s just a hug Kimmie.” Kim nodded and allowed Shego to wrap her arms around her. Kim hugged back and cried against Shego’s shoulder. After a few minutes, she pulled away.

“Thanks. I feel a lot better now.”

Shego nodded and landed the hovercraft in an empty field. “Still want to spar?”

“Yeah, I definitely still have some anger to burn off and I just…really want to hit something.”

“So you’ll hit me, huh?”

“That’s not what I—” Kim’s protest was cut short as Shego’s hand flew towards her head. Rather than continuing to answer, she chose to retaliate with a hit of her own. She felt her anger fading as she fell back into the familiar pattern of fighting Shego. They fought until they were both exhausted and when they finally stopped, Kim collapsed onto the ground. “That was great.”

“Yeah, that’s what you usually say when I make you hot and sweaty.”

Kim’s face turned bright red. “Shego!”

“Yes Princess?” she asked innocently. Kim picked up a stick and threw it at Shego’s head. The other woman caught it easily and let her plasma burn it to dust, still smirking. “Careful Kimmie, if you keep doing stuff like that, I might think you want to hurt me.”

Kim thought about that. As far as she knew, there was no one around for miles. If Shego wanted to do something, there wouldn’t be anyone there to stop her, but Kim wasn’t afraid; she knew Shego wouldn’t hurt her. “I should probably tell Grace about my family.” Shego just shrugged, but she gave Kim a ride back to her apartment before returning to Drakken’s lair.

–oOo–

Kim was surprised when Shego appeared in her apartment the next day. “You need to stop breaking into Drakken’s lair.”

“It’s not like I have another way to get in touch with you. And you break into my apartment all the time.”

“Yeah, well you don’t hire henchmen who want me dead.” Shego flicked something at her and it bounced off her forehead. Kim picked up the tightly folded piece of paper, and unfolded it to reveal a phone number. “Next time, just call me like a normal person, kay?”

“Shego, I can’t put this in my phone, someone could see—” Kim was interrupted when something else landed in her lap. She picked it up curiously.

“Prepaid phone. Now you don’t need to put that in your contacts.” Kim just stared at her, and Shego sighed, apparently annoyed that she had to explain herself. “Kimmie, I had fun last night. I want to do it again. But you can’t show up in the lair like you own the damn place because someone is going to see you, and I don’t know how the hell either of us is going to explain that to Drakken. Got it?” Kim nodded. “So now you can keep that phone, and text me when you actually want a sparring partner.”

“I had fun last night too.” Shego was right — it had been freeing to be able to focus purely on fighting. No Drakken with his bizarre schemes, no Ron getting in the way. Just her and Shego, trying to best each other; the other woman hadn’t even used her plasma. “You can also text me if you want to do it again. I don’t need to make the first move every time.” Kim realized what she’d said, and her face turned red. “I meant— I didn’t—”

Shego laughed. “I get the point Cupcake. But I should get going now that you have the phone.”

“Wait, you can stay if you want. If Drakken doesn’t want you to steal anything. And if he does, then I guess I’ll see you soon anyway.”

“Yeah I have no idea what he’s planning and if I did, I wouldn’t share. Don’t forget to text me.” Shego disappeared before Kim could answer. She opened the phone and saw that there was only one contact, labelled _Hot Stuff._ She sighed and changed the name to _Sparring Partner._ If anyone found the phone, she definitely didn’t want to explain what that was about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is so much dialog. Also I cried while writing it, so I'm sorry about any feelings also


	10. 69 days since breakup

Even though Grace already knew about almost everything that had happened over break, Kim was still anxious to see her on Monday. The other girl came to her apartment and immediately wrapped her arms around her. “I’m so sorry Kim.” After a moment she added, “I missed you.”

Kim buried her face in Grace’s shoulder and absorbed the scent of her perfume. “I missed you too.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. It hurts, but it’s not new. I mean…nothing has really changed. And when I got back I called my sparring partner, and fighting her…definitely helped.”

“Well, I’m glad there was someone who could help, even if I couldn’t be here.”

Kim just nodded. For some reason, thinking about Grace and Shego at the same time felt a little uncomfortable, and she quickly changed the topic. “How was your break?” Kim smiled as Grace started to talk about her sister’s gymnastics meet. _She’s really beautiful._

“Kim, are you listening?”

“Oh um…I guess I got a little distracted.”

“Oh really? What were you distracted by?” Kim knew her face was red and, rather than waiting for an answer, Grace kissed her. “Do you want to come to my place tonight? We can order food and watch a movie. Or we can do something else if you want, I just want to spend some time with you.”

“Dinner and a movie sounds perfect.”

–oOo–

After the insanity of spring break, Kim was almost relieved to once again be overwhelmed by homework, projects, and midterms. She threw herself into her schoolwork with such intensity that Grace started to worry about her, until Jess saw them in the library and assured her that it was normal. Though, with the amount of work Grace had, Kim thought she was probably the one that should be concerned.

For once, she was glad to have so much work — it took her mind off everything that had happened over break. She’d told Grace she was okay, and she desperately wanted it to be true. On the surface, nothing had changed; even though her parents believed she hadn’t cheated, they were still disappointed in her. But in reality…she’d seen spring break as an opportunity to fix things with her family. It had felt like her only chance to make her parents understand. Her only chance to make sure they weren’t disappointed in her. She’d put everything she had into that first conversation, laid all her cards on the table. And they’d seen it, at least for a moment, seen that she was still the person they raised her to be, and it had meant everything in the world. After her father said he was disappointed again, after she realized nothing had changed, she’d been angry, and upset, and hurt, but more than any of that, she’d felt betrayed. She’d just started to trust them, just started to believe things could be okay again, only to find out that nothing had changed at all. Before break, she’d been nervous to speak to her parents, but she’d still had some hope that they would listen to her…some hope that, eventually, things might be okay again. Now though…everything felt so much more permanent. Homework was a welcome distraction.

However, after only a few nights, she felt like she was on the verge of collapsing from overwork. She’d worked herself to the point of exhaustion before, but never this quickly. In addition to her normal stress and sleep deprivation, she felt completely drained emotionally. When she wasn’t working, she was thinking about her family, so she just kept working. She knew Grace was concerned, and was grateful that the other girl didn’t press her for an explanation.

Remembering how much better she’d felt after sparring with Shego, Kim asked her to fight again on Thursday. As they fought, it felt like they were the only people in the world, exchanging blows effortlessly, predicting each other’s moves. Kim had fought many people, but Shego was the only one who could provide this type of challenge. Everyone else tried to hurt her, of course, but their moves were predictable, and they left obvious openings in their defenses; it was almost boring to fight them. But with Shego…even now, when the other woman wasn’t trying to hurt her, she was constantly on her toes, working hard for every blow she landed. It was exhilarating, and exhausting, but in a good way.

The fight ended when Kim pinned Shego to the ground for just a moment, before rolling off to lay next to her. This time, it was Shego who spoke up first. “Gotta say Princess, that was pretty good.”

Kim’s mouth moved faster than her brain. “Yeah, that’s what you usually say when I make you hot and sweaty.”

Shego sat up and looked at the younger woman, whose face was bright red. “No, I’m pretty sure it’s not.”

Kim groaned and let her head drop onto the ground. “Stop it.”

“This one’s all on you Kimmie.”

Kim ignored her and looked up at the sky. They were far enough from the city that she could see some of the brighter stars, even though the sky wasn’t completely black. Fighting with Shego had taken all her focus, leaving no room for thoughts about her family. “Do you want to do this like…every week? Maybe on Thursday nights?”

Shego smirked, but Kim got the impression that she wanted to laugh. “I already told you I want to keep doing this. Just text me if you can’t make it, kay? I don’t want to sit out here waiting for you to show."

“So…I’ll see you next week then?”

“I don’t like to repeat myself Kimmie.”

“Right. I’ll um…I’ll see you next week.”

Shego rolled her eyes. “Just shut up and get in the hovercraft.” Kim was grateful for a ride back to campus, so she stopped talking and did as she was told.

–oOo–

Jess immediately noticed the difference when they met for lunch on Friday. “So what happened?”

“Huh?”

“You seem normal again. You’ve been doing nothing but work since we got back from break. Did Grace help you _relax_?”

Kim blushed as she realized what Jess was implying. “I fought with my sparring partner last night.”

“Running around trying to beat someone up is relaxing?” Kim nodded. “Well I won’t pretend I get it, but I guess that works for you.”

“Yeah.” Kim realized she didn’t want to talk to Jess about Shego — even though it seemed unlikely, she was worried that her friend might realize she was hiding something. “How’s Cameron?”

“He’s good! We’re getting dinner tomorrow.”

“You’re smiling a lot.”

“So? I always smile, it doesn’t…” She trailed off as she understood Kim’s meaning. “I’m smiling the way you do when you talk about Grace?”

“Yeah. I’ve never seen you talk about a guy like this.”

Jess looked away and spoke quietly. “I don’t know if I’ve ever dated a guy I really liked before.” That was the most serious thing Jess had said about herself in a long time. Even though Jess dated a lot of people casually, Kim hadn’t realized that this was the _first_ time she’d ever thought about having a real relationship. Clearly it was more than she'd wanted to say, because she quickly forced a smile back onto her face. “How’s Grace?”

Kim let her change the topic. “She’s good too.”

“You have that weird smile again.”

“Well…Wednesday is our one month anniversary.”

“Damn, it’s already been a month? I’m really glad you dropped Ron and got with her instead.”

Kim allowed herself a small smile. “Yeah, I am too.”

–oOo–

Kim was irrationally nervous on Wednesday; even though she knew one month wasn’t a long time for a relationship, it still felt like a big milestone. It was tangible reminder that she’d moved past Ron, that he hadn’t destroyed her entire life. In spite of everything he’d done, she was still able to be in a relationship and be _happy_ in a relationship…he hadn’t destroyed her happiness. Grace said she was busy til Saturday — and wouldn’t even be able to see her on Wednesday — because she had to study for midterms and work on her research. Still, Kim made a point of finding her in the library. “I know you’re studying but I wanted to um…I wanted to give you this.” She held out a single yellow rose. It was as close as she could find to Grace’s favorite color — the color of daffodils. She’d briefly considered getting an actual daffodil, but that seemed less romantic.

Grace smiled and took the flower from her gently. She placed one hand on Kim’s cheek, and her voice was soft. “Thanks Kim.” Rather than kissing her, she just kept her hand on her face for a moment. “You’re so…” She trailed off, apparently unsure of how to finish the sentence.

“I could say the same about you.” It sounded cheesy, like something that would come out of a Hallmark movie, and it was the type of thing that she’d never expected to say. But she meant it. “I should let you get back to studying.”

Grace nodded. “I’d love to talk but…”

“It’s okay. I’ll see you on Saturday, right?”

“Of course.” Grace leaned forward and kissed her, quick and gentle. Everything with Grace was gentle, soft, and careful. “Now I really need to study.” Kim nodded and left her alone, already looking forward to the weekend.

–oOo–

When Kim knocked on the door of Grace’s apartment on Saturday, it opened within seconds. “I got stuck talking to a professor after class so I started cooking a little late. But it should be done soon.”

“You…you cooked for me? I thought we were getting takeout.” She paused as she walked into the apartment. “It smells really good.”

“Only the best for you,” Grace teased, and Kim blushed. She felt like she had to do something to match this.

“If you didn’t make dessert, maybe we could bake together later?”

“I don’t know Kim, I’m not much of baker.”

“My ex goes to culinary school, he taught me few things about baking.” It felt strange to refer to Ron as her ex. It felt so…impersonal. It was amazing.

“Okay, then we can bake after. But for now, just let me finish dinner, okay?”

“Okay.” Kim sat down and watched her work. The other girl moved gracefully, as if she was planning every tiny motion before it happened. Grace made eye contact with her, and she realized she’d been staring. Kim said, “You’re beautiful.” After a moment, she added, “And you’re really cute when you blush.” That only made Grace blush more.

“I uh— th-thanks.” Kim couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen Grace get this flustered, and it was enough to make her stand up, walk over to the other girl, and kiss her. “If you keep doing this, I’ll end up burning dinner.”

“That’s okay.”

Grace pushed her away gently and laughed. “I already took the food off the stove. But we’re going to eat before it gets cold.” Kim tried to kiss her again and Grace stepped back. “Sit down and I’ll bring our food over.”

Kim sighed, accepted defeat, and sat down again. It wasn’t much of a defeat — after a few minutes she got to eat the amazing food that her not-yet-girlfriend had cooked for her. After dinner, Kim insisted on doing the dishes despite Grace’s protests. As she was drying the pans, Grace asked, “So what are we baking?”

Kim thought about it for a minute. She’d really enjoyed making brownies with Ron, especially that one time when they shared a brownie with a heart on it. She would love to do that with Grace, but she didn’t want to just repeat her favorite moments with Ron. She was in a different relationship now, and she didn’t want him to taint it. “Do you like chocolate chip cookies? I know a good recipe.”

Grace smiled softly, and Kim suddenly wondered if the other girl had been staring at _her_ this time. “That sounds good.”

With some direction from Grace, Kim started to move around the kitchen, pulling out ingredients and measuring cups and preheating the oven. This time, she was certain that the other girl was watching her, but she didn’t look — this felt special for some reason, and she didn’t want to ruin it. As she was measuring the sugar, she heard Grace stand up and walk towards her, finally coming to a stop right behind her. She rested her chin on Kim’s shoulder, and Kim could feel the heat of her body, less than an inch away. It was suddenly very hard to concentrate on the cookies. Kim remembered the last time Grace had been this close to her, during their first date. It seemed that Grace remembered too, because she started to step away. Before she could get too far, Kim reached behind her to grab one of her hands, and Grace only hesitated for a moment before settling against her again.

“So how are the cookies?”

“They’re um....the batter will be done soon.” Grace reached around her to pick up a couple chocolate chips, and Kim took a deep breath to steady herself. She knew Grace did this intentionally, but that didn’t make it any less effective.

The other girl laughed and stepped back. “I’ll stop distracting you then.” _Why am I blushing so much?_

While the cookies were in the oven, they went back to sitting at the table. Grace took one of Kim’s hands and traced gentle circles on her palm. She asked, “Do you know what you’re doing over the summer?”

Kim was having trouble concentrating, but she didn’t pull away. “I’m helping out in a lab on campus.”

Grace’s eyes lit up, and Kim smiled unconsciously. “Really? I’ll be on campus too. The professor who I’m doing research with…he’s starting a new study and he wants me on it from the beginning. He thinks that, if I stick with it through the year and we find anything interesting, I could be on the paper when it’s published.”

“Grace, that’s amazing! You… _you’re_ amazing.” Kim slid one hand behind Grace’s neck, and the other girl’s hand came up to rest on her cheek as they leaned closer to each other— and the timer on the oven went off. Kim pulled away, laughing. “I need to check on the cookies.” While that was true, it also felt really good to be the one teasing Grace for once. She took the cookies out of the oven and Grace reached around her to grab one before they had a chance to cool. Kim turned around and saw her standing only a few feet away, trying to eat the cookie while it was still hot, and both of them were laughing, and something about the moment felt perfect. Kim couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this happy.

–oOo–

They were in the library a few days later when Jess brought up the idea of a double date. “It’ll be so much fun, Kim. You and Grace, and me and Cameron.”

Kim sighed. “I’ll talk to Grace about it.”

“Now we just need to find you a girlfriend.” Jess grinned at Alex, but he didn’t answer. Something in Alex’s face made Kim intervene.

“Jess, leave him alone. He doesn’t need a girlfriend just because we’re both in relationships.” She watched Alex carefully as she spoke, and saw the small shift when she said the word _girlfriend_. He sent her a grateful look, then immediately started talking about their homework before Jess could ask anything else. Kim tried to hang back with Alex when they left the library, but every time they slowed, Jess stopped to wait for them. When she got back to her apartment, she texted Alex _Do you want to get dinner later?_

He quickly replied _Can you come over instead?_ Kim had only been to Alex’s apartment a couple times, but the fact that he didn’t want to talk in public only reinforced her suspicions. He opened the door quickly when she knocked. “My roommates are out, we’re the only ones here.” Kim nodded, and they sat in silence for a few minutes.

“What’s his name?”

Alex flinched at Kim’s question. “Is it that obvious?”

“Not really…Jess definitely doesn't know.”

“Mayank. I mean…that’s his name. Mayank. I was doing homework and I was at the only table with an open outlet and he just sat down and plugged in his laptop.” Alex was smiling a little.

“How long ago?”

“Four months, but we started dating two months ago. It was weird, I always thought I liked girls. I mean, I even asked you out. But when I was telling him about that, he got super upset and when I asked why, he just kissed me. It…I don’t know how I ever thought I liked girls, Kim.” He sounded desperate, liked he’d been waiting weeks to say this. “This probably seems stupid to you. You had no problem telling us you were dating a girl from day one.”

“It wasn’t that easy for me either,” she admitted. “I was scared too. I didn’t know if Jess would think it was weird, and I had no idea how you’d feel.”

“I’m not worried about you and Jess, but I don’t know how the guys on the team would handle it. I mean, I’m out there running around with all those guys all the time, and I guess it’s like what you said with Jess…I don’t want to make it weird.”

“You don’t have to tell them until you’re ready.”

“I know, but Mayank had been out his whole life and he’s not pressuring me or anything, but I can tell he wants people to know. And I totally want that too, I mean I just want to be able to walk around campus holding his hand and talk about him with you and Jess and the guys on the team. But I’m really scared.”

When Kim texted Alex, she hadn’t been prepared for this outpouring of emotion, especially since they rarely talked about anything but homework. But she was glad he trusted her so much — it was clear that he needed someone to talk to, and she was happy to be that person. “Can I meet him?”

“Can you— what?”

“Can I meet your boyfriend?”

“He’s— Do you mean like, right now?”

Kim shrugged. “Sure, if you want.”

The anxiousness on Alex’s face faded away and was replaced with a wide smile. “Yeah. Yeah, sure. Just, um, just let me text him and I um—” Kim laughed, and Alex took a deep breath, still smiling. “I’ll text him now.”

While they waited for Mayank to arrive, Kim started telling Alex about how she met Grace, and how nervous she was when she told Jess, and how relieved was when Jess didn’t get uncomfortable. She hadn’t realized that she wanted to tell someone about all of it, but now that she knew Alex was gay, it felt natural to share it with him. Alex jumped when there was a knock on the door. “You should probably get that. Wouldn’t want to keep him waiting.” Alex’s face turned a little red, but he got up. She heard them talking quietly near the door; she couldn’t make out the words, but she assumed Alex was telling him why she was there. When they walked back in, Alex was smiling in a way Kim had never seen before.

“Kim, meet Mayank. Mayank, meet Kim.” Both of them looked at him, unimpressed. “Look, I’m not good with words when I’m nervous, you both know that.” Alex sat down again and Mayank immediately sat on his lap, wrapping one arm around his neck. Alex’s face turned bright red.

“Hi Kim, it’s nice to meet you. Even before I met Alex, I’d heard about you in the news…You’re a very impressive person.”

“Um…thanks. It’s nice to meet you too.”

Mayank turned back to Alex. “Are you okay? You look a little red, are you too warm?” Kim smiled — the gentle teasing reminded her of Grace.

“No, I’m okay.”

“That’s good, I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable.” He kissed Alex’s cheek and Kim laughed at the expression on her friend’s face.

The three of them talked for an hour before Kim needed to leave to do homework. Alex stood up to walk her to the door, and she paused before leaving. “You seem really happy with him.”

“Yeah, I am. And Kim…thank you for doing this.”

Kim’s immediate instinct was to tell him it was “no big,” but she caught herself before she said it. This meant something to Alex, and she didn’t want to dismiss it like that. “I’m glad I could help. You can talk to me whenever.”

“Thanks.” Rather than going back to Mayank, Alex continued to stand with Kim for a few seconds. Kim almost rolled her eyes. _Boys._ She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. When he hugged her back, she knew it was exactly what he’d needed. As she walked out the door, he called out, “Kim, wait! Do you think I should tell Jess?”

She hesitated before answering — that wasn’t a decision she wanted to make for him. “She’d definitely be happy that you’re dating someone. But she might tell people even if you ask her not to.”

Alex nodded again. “Thanks. I’ll see you in class.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty short chapter, next one should be up soon :)


	11. 86 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING for past self harm, suicide attempt, homophobia. Summary at the end

Kim was surprised when Grace suggested they go to a club, and surprised herself even more by immediately agreeing. The last time she went to bar, she’d intentionally had sex with a guy who looked like Mark, and she would’ve expected herself to run away crying at even the thought of going out again. But that had been over a month ago, and it was the perfect opportunity. They didn’t have class on Friday, so they could go on Thursday night, when it was less crowded. She found that she was strangely…almost excited to be going out with Grace. She dressed more conservatively than she would have before — she still couldn’t force herself to wear a dress — but she made a conscious effort to look nice. When they walked in, Kim didn’t panic as much as she would have expected. Maybe it helped that it was a lesbian bar, so there were no men who could hurt her. And it definitely helped that Grace held her hand tightly and reminded her that they could leave if she was uncomfortable. Grace didn’t protest when Kim tugged her towards the bar, but Kim caught her glancing at the dance floor when she thought she wasn’t looking. Eventually, she brought it up. “We can dance if you want.”

“No, it’s okay, we can just stay here.” Kim couldn’t understand how she’d ended up with someone so kind and considerate, right after everything Ron had done. She got off her barstool and started walking, and turned back to make sure Grace was following her. The other girl stood up, smiling. “If you want to dance, we can do that too.”

Grace put her hands on Kim’s hips as they danced, and she didn’t feel Mark’s hands or the other boy’s hands, she just felt Grace’s hands on her body. And she realized she wanted to feel more of it. Grace had been teasing her with gentle touches since their first date, but Kim suddenly wanted more than that. She spun around, catching Grace off guard, and pulled her down to kiss her. “We should leave.”

“If you want to go, we can. I told you, we don’t have to stay if you’re uncomfortable.”

“Grace, that’s not what I meant.” She pulled her down again and kissed her a little more forcefully. “I think we should go.”

Her meaning finally seemed to register. Grace brushed a lock of hair behind Kim’s ear. “Are you sure? I don’t—”

Kim cut her off by kissing her again. “I want you to touch me.”

Grace’s voice was full of want. “Then I think we should leave.”

When the door to Kim’s apartment closed, Grace immediately pushed her against it and kissed her. It was full of passion and lust, and Kim realized how much the other girl wanted this. Even though she’d been patient and had never pushed Kim past her comfort zone, she’d been waiting for this. “Is this okay?” Kim nodded. “Tell me if you need me to stop.” Her voice was breathless, and she kissed her again, only breaking the kiss to pull Kim’s shirt over her head. Her finger’s glided over her now exposed torso, and Kim shivered. Before, she would have felt trapped against the wall, would have mistaken it for the wall of the alley, and she would have felt Mark’s hands on her stomach and Mark’s tongue in her mouth. But now it was only Grace touching her and Kim’s body felt like it was on fire and she moaned into her mouth. Grace pulled her off the wall and walked her towards the couch, pushing her down onto it. She looked into her face with an expression Kim couldn’t identify. Something like hunger, but stronger. Grace undid Kim’s belt and tugged her pants off, leaving her in only her bra and underwear. She felt self-conscious for only a moment before Grace said, “You’re so fucking beautiful.” She looked into Kim’s face again. “Do you need me to stop?”

“Please don’t.”

“Thank god.” Grace kissed down Kim’s body, starting at her neck and moving down, kissing and licking patterns across her torso.

Kim squirmed under her. “Grace, _please._ ” Her body was burning and she wanted — no, needed — more. Grace complied immediately and lowered her head between Kim’s legs, and didn’t stop until she came twice.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting.”

“Hey, none of that. I told you I was willing to wait. I’m just glad the waiting is over.” Grace kissed her gently, and Kim returned the kiss for a moment before pulling away.

“You’re still wearing your shirt. And pants.”

“That’s okay, you don’t have to—” She was already lifting her arms as Kim tugged her shirt over her head. Kim tried to lean forward to kiss her, but Grace put her hands on her shoulders and pushed her away, laughing. “How about we move to the bedroom first, okay?”

–oOo–

When Kim woke in the morning, Grace was propped up on one elbow, watching her. The blanket only covered the bottom half of her body, and Kim’s eyes traced over the exposed skin. She wanted to reach out and touch her again. Then she realized there was no reason not to, so she did. Grace’s nipples hardened under her fingers, and Grace gasped in surprise. Kim took advantage of the opportunity to kiss her, pressing her tongue into her mouth. When the other girl didn’t stop her, Kim pushed her back against the mattress and kept going until Grace came on her fingers. Kim leaned in to kiss her, but Grace put a hand on her shoulder to hold her back. “We should get out of bed.”

“Why?”

Grace smiled. “I have a meeting at one. I didn’t expect to spend the night here.” Kim’s face flushed. “So at the very least _I_ need to get out of bed so I can go home.” Grace stood up, still completely naked, and smiled at the look on Kim’s face. “What, do you see something you like?”

“I thought I already made that clear.” She was smiling too.

“Hmm yeah, I guess you did.” Grace started to get dressed, then walked out of the room.

“Wait, are you—” Grace walked back in holding her shirt.

“I thought I should be fully dressed before I leave. I don’t want anyone else to see me naked.”

“Y-yeah that…” She was distracted as Grace slowly started to put on her shirt. _Did she really need to stretch like that?_ “That would be bad.”

“I’m glad you agree.” Grace walked over to the bed and kissed Kim again before leaving.

Kim laid in bed staring at the ceiling, feeling lighter than she had in a long time. She’d finally had sex with Grace. She felt bad about making the other girl wait so long when it was clear that the she’d wanted it so much, but finally being able to do it…it felt like a sign that she’d moved past Mark. She was able to sleep with someone else. When Grace touched her…it had only been her. Mark hadn’t come between them. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. What she had with Grace felt _real_. Mark wasn’t in the middle of it, Ron wasn’t in the middle of it, it was just her and Grace. She was smiling when she got out of bed, and was still smiling when she went to the store to buy a bottle of vodka. Not because she wanted to drink it, but because it reminded her of Mark. Because it reminded her that he wasn’t able to hurt her anymore. She didn’t associate sex with him, and she wasn’t going to associate this drink with him either. It made her feel powerful.

When she got home, she put the bottle in her kitchen and continued into her apartment to find Shego sitting on her couch. “We were supposed to fight last night.” The older woman didn’t sound amused.

 _Shit._ Her good mood faded rapidly. “I thought the point of the phones was that we would stop sneaking into each other’s rooms.” It was a stupid thing to say, but it was the first thing she thought of.

“Where were you?”

“I was um…I was with Grace.” _I hope she doesn’t ask for details._

“It must have been a lot of fun if you couldn’t even send a fucking text.” Kim understood why Shego would be annoyed about Kim blowing her off, but this seemed like much more than plain annoyance. Shego was _furious_ and Kim couldn’t figure out why. It didn’t help that she knew her face was red, and thinking about it only made it worse. If it was possible, Shego’s scowl deepened.

Kim suddenly felt the need to defend herself. “Shego, I just forgot—”

“You blew off our fight to have sex.” The flat tone masked the anger that Kim knew was just underneath the surface. But that also angered Kim. She’d missed a fight with her _enemy_ to have sex with her kind-of-girlfriend for the first time since they started dating. It was a completely normal, reasonable thing to do, and Shego was blowing it completely out of proportion.

Even though she knew it was probably a mistake, she said exactly what she was thinking. “Yeah, I forgot I was supposed to spar with my _enemy_ because I was having sex with _Grace_ , who I’ve been dating for over a month. It was the first time I’ve had sex since someone dragged me into an alley and tried to _rape_ me. That seems like a pretty _normal_ thing to do.” Shego looked like she’d been slapped, and Kim felt all the fight drain out of her. “We…we could spar tomorrow instead.”

“Forget it Princess. I’ll see you next week. If you decide to show.” Shego left without waiting for Kim to answer.

Kim stared at the closed window. Shego was being irrational, and Kim _knew_ that. She’d just forgotten to send a text, and Shego could’ve left when she didn’t show up. The older woman had no reason to be this upset about it. Unfortunately, that didn’t relieve the intense guilt she was feeling.

–oOo–

The next Thursday, Kim was excited to fight Shego. She felt bad about missing their last fight, both because it clearly upset Shego and because she genuinely enjoyed sparring with her. So she wasn’t happy when Shego texted her that she wouldn’t be able to make it. _Maybe this is her way of getting back at me._

She was even more annoyed when she got a call to stop Drakken and Shego the next day. Even though she would get to fight Shego, it wasn’t nearly as much fun when Drakken was involved. She arrived to find Shego wearing some sort of mind control collar; when Drakken ordered the older woman to attack her, she had no choice. Just like when they sparred, they were equally matched; Kim could predict Shego’s moves and counter them automatically. However, even if they were equal in terms of raw fighting skill, Kim couldn’t hope to match the older woman when she used her plasma. She could see it in Shego’s eyes. The pain, the horror, the desire to resist even though she couldn’t. Shego almost set Kim’s hair on fire, and she made a split second decision. She needed to end the attack, and she knew Shego desperately wanted it to be over too, so she did something she’d never done in any of their previous fights — she swung her leg up to kick the side of Shego’s head, knocking her out. Without hesitation, she pulled the collar off Shego’s neck and stomped it to pieces. She saw Drakken staring at her in shock and holding another collar, one that was clearly meant to go on her. Before she had a chance to think it through, Kim attached her grappling hook to the ceiling, swung around to grab the collar out of Drakken’s hands, landed behind him, and put the collar on his neck. Kim knew it wasn’t right. She normally wouldn’t approve of it, and she knew Shego wouldn’t approve either. She didn’t care. “Destroy everything related to these collars. Now.” When Drakken said it was done, she pulled the collar off his neck, stomped it into pieces, and punched him until he passed out. While he was unconscious, she dragged Shego back to her room and put her in her bed. Then she left.

She was still shaking when she got back to her apartment. She tried to feel some remorse for what she’d done. It wasn’t something she would normally do, ever. For any reason. But seeing the pain and self-loathing in Shego’s eyes, something inside her had snapped. All her morals were gone, replaced by a ruthlessness that frightened her. _What the hell happened?_

Kim wasn’t surprised when Shego visited her that night, but she was surprised that the older woman came through the front door instead of the window. However, the reason quickly became clear; she was so drunk that Kim was surprised she was still able to stand. “Thank you.”

“Um, for what?”

“You got the collar off. You stopped him from controlling me. I hate mind control. It’s the worst. Except maybe clones. Clones are bad too.” Kim was more than a little worried — Shego sounded nothing like herself, her words were slurring together, and she was swaying on her feet.

“You don’t know then?”

“Huh?”

“When I saw what had happened to you, I just…I saw red I guess. I put the collar on Drakken and made him destroy all record of them. I shouldn’t have done it but I…I was so angry at what he did to you.”

“It’s fine Kimmie.”

“You…you’re not mad?”

Shego shrugged. “I’m drunk and you’re hot.”

Kim fought to keep herself from blushing at the compliment. She suddenly wondered if Shego was there to thank her, if she was there for sex, or if she was there for something else entirely. She desperately looked around for an excuse to change the topic. She noticed a tear in Shego’s catsuit, a few inches above her glove, and the green fabric was darkened by her blood. “You’re hurt. I need to clean it.” Kim grabbed Shego’s arm, but the older woman immediately pulled it away, with a little more force than Kim thought was necessary. “Shego, I just want to clean it up so it stops bleeding.” Her plasma flared briefly, then faded away. Kim wasn’t sure how reliable her control or aim was when she was this drunk, and she didn’t want to find out. She took Shego’s hand and led her to sit on the couch. Before Shego could pull her hand away, Kim flipped her arm over to inspect the tear in her catsuit, and gasped in shock as she realized why she’d been so adamant about not letting Kim look. The inside of Shego’s arm was covered with old scars, some clean and narrow and other rough and jagged, as if Shego been completely out of control when she made them. And in the middle, there was a single long scar that started a little past the base of her palm and ran almost to the crease of her elbow. Without thinking, Kim traced her fingers along the long scar, and Shego yanked her arm away and cradled it protectively against her chest. “I still need to clean that cut.”

“You’re not putting a fucking band aid on my fucking arm.” Kim took a slow, deep breath, and tried to think of what Shego would be willing to tolerate. Not a band aid, not a more permanent dressing, maybe not even antiseptic. _Well, it doesn’t look too bad anyway._ She realized she was still staring at the scars on Shego’s arm and quickly looked away. Based on the scowl on Shego’s face, she’d definitely noticed.

“How about we just rinse it with some water?” Shego nodded and stood with Kim. Kim cleaned the cut, then forced Shego to take a shower because she reeked of alcohol. When the older woman got out of the shower, Kim had laid out pajamas for her.

“You should stay here tonight.”

“I can sleep in my own bed, I don’t need to sleep on your goddamn couch.” Shego seemed to be, if not sober, then very close. _Maybe her plasma let’s her burn through alcohol quickly_ she realized. Immediately followed by, _How much did she have to drink to get that drunk?_

Kim’s thoughts went to Grace for only a second before she made up her mind. “You can sleep in my bed.” It felt a little weird to sleep in the same bed as Shego while she was dating Grace, but she knew it wasn’t the same as before. She wasn’t having sex with her or using her for protection, she was…she was protecting _her_. It sounded strange, even in her head. She’d never seen Shego as someone who needed to be protected.

“Okay Kimmie, I’ll stay.” Kim released a small sigh of relief.

Remembering how safe she’d felt in Shego’s arms, Kim tried to wrap her arms around the older woman, and was surprised when she was pushed away. “I liked holding you. It made me feel strong.” _Maybe she’s less sober than I thought._ She couldn’t imagine Shego ever admitting that if she was thinking clearly.

“Okay,” she whispered, and she let the older woman pull her close. Kim laid in Shego’s arms, feeling safe and protected and completely separated from the outside world. She hadn’t felt this in over a month, and she hadn’t realized she missed it. She focused on breathing slowly and evenly, as if she was asleep, while in reality her mind was racing. How had she never noticed the scars on Shego’s arms? She tried to remember if she’d ever seen her in short sleeves. Her catsuit covered her arms, she always wore a jacket or something else with long sleeves. Kim had definitely seen her in a short sleeve shirt once, but that was in the privacy of her bedroom, and Shego had immediately crossed her arms. Kim had assumed it was because she was annoyed, but what if it had been more than that? _But I saw her naked._ Then she remembered that, when she first tried to have sex with Grace, she’d pulled the band aids off her legs because _Whoever I_ _went home with wasn’t going to be looking too closely unless I gave them something to look at._ The more she thought about it, the less certain she was. Maybe Shego had always kept the outside of her arms facing her when they had sex. Or maybe Kim had been so distracted that hadn’t noticed what was right in front of her; the thought made her feel guilty, but she knew it was a real possibility. Even when they slept in the same bed, like now, her arms were pressed tight against Kim’s body. She was so careful, it would have been almost impossible to notice. Even with dozens of scars. Even with that long scar in the middle. _Of course she was worried when I cut myself. She thought I was going to do that too._

Without realizing, Kim had started crying. Something terrible had happened to Shego, something that made her cut herself again and again, something that hurt her so badly that she couldn’t see any way out. She suddenly thought of what Shego had just told her. _Holding you makes me feel strong._ She’d never thought of Shego as anything but strong. Even when the older woman was gentle, or upset, or even a little nervous, Kim had never doubted her strength. Now she wondered how much of that was real. How hard had she worked to become that strong?

Kim turned to face Shego, and was shocked to see that she was crying too, in total silence. Her breathing was still slow and steady and her face was blank, and if Kim hadn’t caught the glint of tears on her cheeks, she wouldn’t have known it was happening. She reached to wipe the tears from Shego’s face, and the older woman flinched away. She reached out again, more gently, and brushed her fingers softly across the other woman’s face. She kept a hand on her cheek for a moment as she whispered, “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.” Shego just pulled Kim closer, so her head was resting against the older woman's chest, tucked under her chin. As she fell asleep, she heard Shego whisper something back, but she missed the meaning as she faded into dreams.

–oOo–

When Kim woke in the morning, she was pleased to see that Shego was still there — she’d been worried that the other woman would leave while she was sleeping. Shego was holding her tightly against her, more tightly than she ever had before. Kim whispered her name, and the arms around her loosened slightly in response. She moved to sit up, and Shego released her.

Kim looked at her cautiously. “How much do you remember from last night?”

“Are you talking about the mind control, the bar fight, or the shit we’re not talking about?”

Kim closed her eyes and counted to ten. “Can we got out of bed?”

“Yeah, we can get up and I can go.”

“Can we talk for a few minutes? Please?” She put on her best puppy dog pout.

Shego scowled at her. “Fine. A few minutes and then I’m getting the hell out.”

After they both got out of bed and got dressed, Shego sat on the couch, and Kim curled up next to her, pulling the other woman’s arms to wrap around her. She felt like the situation was a little backwards, like she should be comforting Shego, but she remembered what the other woman had told her. Protecting Kim made her feel strong, being protected made her feel weak. Kim held one of her hands and ran her fingers over the scars. “Princess, stop.”

“You can talk to me about it.”

“I don’t need to talk to you about shit.” Normally the words would have hurt, but today she brushed them off.

She traced down the long scar that ran perpendicular to the others. “Please tell me what happened.”

“What’s happening is that you’re getting the hell off and I’m leaving.” Even though she was clearly trying to sound annoyed, the pain in Shego’s voice was obvious, and it affected Kim more than she would have expected. Before Shego could push her away, Kim twisted around and looked directly into her eyes. Their faces were so close she could feel Shego’s breath on her lips, close enough that if she leaned forward just a little, they could have kissed. They stayed like that for several moments, just staring at each other.

Kim whispered, “You can talk to me.” Shego looked away, and Kim was shocked to see tears in her eyes again. “Shego—”

“Dammit Kim, stop trying to make me talk. I’m fine.”

Kim decided to change tactics. “Is that why you wanted to make sure I wasn’t hurting myself? Were you afraid I was going to kill myself?”

“I…yes, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?” Despite the anger in Shego’s voice, Kim was pleased to have gotten even that small admission.

“Why did you think I was going to kill myself?”

“Because you’re a hero, and the media doesn’t give heroes a goddamn break. And if you’re a hero without anyone to talk to…hell, that’s hard even without the green skin and a brother who—” Shego stopped suddenly, having said more than she wanted to.

“What did your brothers do?”

“Why the fuck is this any of your business?”

“I…I care about you. And talking to someone will make you feel better.” Shego scowled at her. “I didn’t think it would, but talking to you…it helped a little.” She took a gamble based on what Shego had said. “It made me feel less alone.”

Shego wouldn’t look at Kim, and the younger girl turned to face away from her again, giving her space to be vulnerable. She felt Shego’s arms tighten around her. “Hego wanted me to be exactly like him. Play to the media, be perfect, have lots of friends.” Kim nodded. She knew how that felt. “After our parents died, he was the one in charge and…”

“Shego—”

“Kim, get the hell off me.”

“What did he do to you?”

The words were spoken so forcefully that Shego found herself unable to move. “He thought he was always right. I wasn’t like him, and going against him _hurt_ –” Kim heard the multiple meanings in the word “– but it was okay until he saw me with my girlfriend. He was always right and he wasn’t gay so…” Kim knew Shego was crying now. “He’d never hit me before.” Her voice sounded small, smaller than Kim could have imagined. She tried to turn around to look at Shego, but was held firmly in place by the other woman’s arms.

Her voice was barely a whisper. “Is that when you…when you tried…”

“Kim, I had no one. I couldn’t keep living with Hego, and no one wants to be friends with the green girl. Hell, even my girlfriend wanted nothing to do with me after that. Hego was going to tell the media, and ten years ago…it was a lot less okay to be gay, Kimmie. _Everyone_ was going to hate me. You would’ve killed yourself too.” Kim couldn’t argue, they both knew it was probably true. “Mego was the one who found me. The door was locked but he shrunk til he could crawl underneath. I didn’t find out til later that he and the Wegos had stopped Hego from telling the media, but I…I was done. I left as soon as I got out of the hospital.”

Kim finally turned to look at Shego again, and was unprepared for the pain she saw there. Shego always appeared confident, controlled, almost cocky…nothing like the vulnerable person who was inches away from her. She wanted to lean forward and kiss her until the pain went away, almost did, until she remembered Grace. Shego stood up suddenly, pushing Kim away from her as she did so. Kim looked up at her from her position on the couch, and found that her pained expression had been quickly replaced by something hard and impenetrable. “I’m leaving. Now. And I’ll let the mind control slide this time since you were doing it to save me, but if you ever do that shit again, there won’t be enough of you left to bury, got it?”

Kim nodded numbly as she watched Shego climb through the window. She pressed her forehead into her hands and tried to process the past twenty-four hours. She still felt blindsided by the realization that Shego had cut herself too. Shego had tried to kill herself. Shego…Kim realized she was crying again. For some reason, she’d imagined Shego always being confident, becoming a villain because it was more fun than being a hero. She’d never imagined that she’d been so hurt before…that she’d been driven out by her brothers. Kim knew what it was like to feel betrayed by her family, but she knew that what she’d felt was nothing compared to what Shego had experienced. She tried to picture Shego, at sixteen or seventeen, alone and afraid, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t imagine fear on Shego’s face.

She hadn’t intended to drive her away. She wanted to help Shego, just as the older woman had helped her. She wanted to talk and _understand_ and for a minute, it had seemed like Shego was willing to trust her. But then all her walls went back up. Kim found herself wondering what was behind those walls. What memories was Shego keeping under lock and key?

Kim couldn’t even begin to understand the emotions she was feeling. A little over a week ago, she’d been laying on this couch with Grace’s head between her legs, and just a few minutes ago, she’d been sitting here, desperate to kiss Shego. Shego, who she would’ve sworn she didn’t care about two days ago. Shego, who she’d freed from mind control at the cost of sacrificing her morals. Shego, who she suddenly saw in a completely different way. Kim had no idea what she was feeling anymore, but she knew she would have done almost anything to free Shego from mind control. She would do almost anything to get rid of that awful pain in Shego’s eyes. _What the hell is going on?_

–oOo–

Shego refused to let herself feel anything until she got back to her room in Drakken’s lair. Then she sat on the edge of her bed, feeling things that she’d intentionally pushed away forever. She’d spent years perfecting the art of acting unaffected and talking about serious topics as if they didn’t matter, and she’d needed every trick she knew to get out of Kim’s apartment in one piece.

She closed her eyes and let it all play out in front of her. The interviewers labelling her as _sullen_ or _moody,_ asking why she couldn’t be _happier._ The constant _What has you in such a good mood_ every time she tried to please them. The way they mocked her for being less than happy, and mocked her even more when she smiled. Her friends intentionally distancing themselves. The empty lunch table she sat at by herself. The first time the other girls laughed at her and there wasn’t a single person who even _thought_ about taking her side. The razor blades she used for the first time that night.

She wanted to stop thinking about it, but she was trapped in a whirlwind of memories, and she knew it would only get worse.

The car crash when her parents died. She was the only one in the car with them and all she remembered was a jolt and the seatbelt slamming tight against her, and then suddenly she was sitting in the back of an ambulance, watching as they loaded her parents onto stretchers. The medics doing CPR on her mother on the side of the road. The article that appeared the next day that showed her crying and didn’t say why. Her father in the hospital, hooked up to tubes and wires. Hego telling him that, if he was there, he would’ve saved Mom. Holding her father’s hand while he died. They tried to pull her away, to take his body away, and she wouldn’t let them, tried to fight them with her plasma, didn’t want to let go yet, fought until they sedated her and she woke up tied down, alone and orphaned. Hands shaking while she cut herself again and again and again, trying to feel something, trying to feel enough to _forget._

The boys who asked her out as a joke because it was _funny_ that someone would want to date the _green_ girl. How fast she ran the first time Amily held her hand, how certain she was that this was just another prank, just another person who wanted to laugh about it later. The shock when Amily found her at lunch the next day and sat with her _in public_ where people could see her, see _them._ The first time Amily kissed her, soft lips, soft hands. Exploring each other in her room in Go Tower, something _good_ between the media and Hego and the nightmares of that car crash. Standing between her and Hego, taking the hits so she wouldn’t have to, laying on the floor with broken bones and bruises because Hego forgot his own strength _(he didn’t forget)_. Mego finding her, calling a doctor. Wishing she could just pass out from the pain. Going back to school two weeks later and watching Amily flinch when she came close.

Hego threatening to hurt her again, and again, and again, to hit her until the gay was beaten away. The words _faggot_ and _dyke_ and _bitch_ echoing off the walls of Go Tower. The Wegos, multiplying until they could hold him back. Locking herself in the bathroom so he couldn’t get to her. Getting into the tub and turning on the water. Watching the water turn pink as her vision darkened. Waking tied to a bed completely alone, panicking, thinking she was still in the hospital when her parents died, tied to that bed instead of this one.

Trying to burn herself with plasma because she didn’t have razors and she needed to be in pain.

When the torrent of painful memories finally ended, she found that she was still sitting in the same spot on her bed. Her entire body was shaking violently and it felt like her eyes were burning even though she wasn’t crying. She hadn’t thought about any of it in years, and she never wanted to remember it again. Wouldn’t have remembered, except that Kim couldn’t leave her the hell alone. She had to be the hero every fucking time, trying to save someone who didn’t want to be saved, who didn’t _need_ to be saved. It had been ten years and she was okay with her life and now, talking about it for five minutes, it felt like everything was falling apart again.

She hadn’t been strong, back then. She’d been scared, and desperate, and did what she had to in order to survive. _That_ had made her strong, and like hell was she going to let Kim take that away. Kim didn’t know, didn’t _understand_. She’d never been beaten by her own family, never bounced between shelters for months, never lived without a single person who cared.

Kim had felt that, once, for a day, and it had been enough to make her cut herself for the first time in years. Shego had felt it for months and had just _endured_ , and had spent the time building herself into someone who was okay with being alone. Someone who didn’t need other people and worked out her shit on her own.

She suddenly realized that someone was banging on her door. She yelled at them to go away, but they didn’t stop, so she eventually opened the door to find Drakken standing there. “Not now.”

He took one look at her and nodded. “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks.”

She closed the door and went back to her bed. She’d just gotten out of bed a few hours ago, but all she wanted to do was lay under her blankets and pretend all of these things were just nightmares. She’d done it for years, until it almost felt true. They weren’t parts of _her_ , they were ugly dreams. Things that happened to someone else. She knew Drakken would leave her alone for the rest of the day, so there was nothing to stop her from doing it.

In spite of everything, she wanted to call Kim, wanted to lay in bed with her arms wrapped around her, holding her against her chest. Instead, she buried her face in a pillow and screamed. She would be okay. She’d gotten over it before, and she’d get over it again. She wasn’t a scared, desperate, powerless teenager anymore. She was strong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Kim and Grace had sex, and Kim forgot to spar with Shego because of it. Kim later had a mission to stop Drakken and Shego, where Drakken was using mind control on Shego. Kim became angry and used the mind control to force Drakken to destroy the technology. Shego visited Kim, and Kim found out that she used to cut herself and tried to kill herself. Kim convinced Shego to tell her that she faced many of the same pressures as Kim while she was a hero, as well as homophobia from Hego. Kim realized that she didn’t know what feelings she had for Shego anymore. Shego returned to Drakken’s lair and relived many of her worst memories.


	12. 97 days since breakup

Kim tried to force herself to act normal on Monday. Even though she’d managed to avoid seeing anyone over the weekend, she knew she wouldn’t have a choice once the week started. No one could know what had happened with her and Shego; they couldn't know that she was spending time with the other woman, or that she saw her as something more than just an enemy. Even if someone had known that they were talking outside of missions, this wasn’t something she could share. She’d stumbled upon one of Shego’s most personal, well-guarded secrets without permission, and she could never tell anyone about it. In spite of Kim’s attempts to hide her feelings, Grace quickly realized something was wrong and asked about it.

“It’s just…one of my friends is having some problems. I can’t really talk about it, I’m sorry. It’s just that—”

Grace cut her off. “You don’t have to justify it to me. You can’t share someone else’s problems, I understand that.”

“Thank you.”

“So did anything else exciting happen this weekend?”

Kim really, really didn’t want to bring this up, but Jess had been nagging her for the past few weeks, and it was a good way to move away from the topic of Shego. “Jess wants us to go on a double date. Like, the two of us, and her and Cameron.” _Please say no._

“Sure, that sounds nice. I want to spend more time with your friends.”

“Jess will be glad to hear that.”

“It doesn’t sound like you’re looking forward to it.”

“I’ve only been on one other double date, and, well, the situation was pretty weird, but it wasn’t exactly a great experience.” Grace raised an eyebrow, clearly looking for an explanation. Kim hesitated, still uncomfortable talking about Shego with Grace. And talking about Shego as an enemy…after the events of the weekend, it was very strange to think of her that way. Still, she answered, “Shego was turned good and started teaching at my high school, and she asked me for advice about dating another teacher. I tried to help her, but then she suggested a double date and I kinda couldn’t say no. It was pretty awkward. The other teacher set off his car alarm on purpose just to get rid of us.”

Grace laughed. “I’m sure this one will be better, no villains are invited this time. But we should also do something this week, just the two of us. I know we’re almost at the end of the semester and we’re both really busy, but even if we just hang out together or something—” She was rambling, and Kim cut her off, even though it really was adorable when she got nervous about stuff like this.

“A date without Jess and Cameron sounds nice.”

Grace’s hesitancy disappeared and she smiled. “Does Thursday work?”

Kim shook her head, wincing internally. _This is the third time Shego has come up._ “I’m meeting with my sparring partner on Thursday.”

“Fighting her is really good for you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I know it sounds stupid, but fighting helps me relax. I can just kind of forget about everything else and focus on what I’m doing.”

The other girl smiled softly. “Can I see you fight?”

Even though the answer was _absolutely not,_ she felt an unexpected warmth in her chest. Grace wanted to see her fight, wanted to just watch her do something she loved. “I can ask my sparring partner, but she’s pretty upset with me right now, so I would have to wait until next week.” Before Grace could ask for details about that, she added, “But…I don’t think she’ll agree. It’s safer for both of us if no one sees us together.”

“Safer?”

“Yeah. We met a mission, and if people saw us together…it just wouldn’t be good.” That was true, even if it left out some of the details. She didn't even want to think about the consequences if someone caught them.

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it. I don’t want to put you in any danger, but I can keep a secret, okay?”

“I know, and I trust you…I just can’t say yes without talking to her.”

“Will you ask her then?” Grace gave her that soft smile again, and it was suddenly very hard to say no.

“Of course.” _It doesn’t hurt to ask._ She remembered how angry Shego had been when Kim blew off a fight to have sex with Grace. Somehow, she didn’t think that this question would go over well. And she still didn’t want Grace and Shego to be anywhere _near_ each other. _Maybe it will hurt to ask._

–oOo–

“She said yes?” Jess practically squealed. They were in lab, and the lab assistant shushed her.

Kim sighed. “Yes, she said she’d love to go on a double date with you and Cameron.”

“Well, at least one of you is excited.”

“Is Cameron excited?”

Jess looked away. “He’s not, well, he’s not _not_ excited. I mean, he’s definitely more excited than you, but—” She was cut off as Kim laughed. “Really though, he wants to meet you. He already knows Alex, but he’s never even spoken to you, y’know? He doesn’t care about most people in my sorority, he knows you and Alex are the people I spend most of my time with.”

Kim thought that was a little depressing. Of course, Alex and Jess were the people she spent most of _her_ time with too, but they still didn’t know each other that well. Neither of them knew her as well as her friends from high school. They were definitely her closest friends now, but they’d filled that role by default after everyone from Middleton turned against her; neither of them even knew about that betrayal, or anything that had happened with her family. She didn’t automatically trust them the same way she’d trusted Monique and Ron, or even Felix and Zita. For the first time, she felt a little jealous of the communities that her friends had at school. Alex was friends with many of the people on the soccer team, and, while Jess wasn’t close with most people in her sorority, she was very close with her big and one of her littles. Kim knew a few other people at school, but not well enough to actually hang out with them. She’d never wished for that type of community because she always had her high school friends, and she spent time on missions when other students were involved in clubs. But now, she only had these two friends at school, and they would be leaving in a couple weeks when the summer started. She would still have Grace, of course, but it wouldn’t be the same as being around _friends._

“Hello? Earth to Kim?”

“Huh?” She looked up and saw that Alex was trying not to laugh, and she gave him a dirty look, which only made him laugh more.

Jess rolled her eyes. “Honestly, you’re impossible sometimes. Does Saturday night work?” At Kim’s blank expression, she sighed again. “For the double date? Y’know, the thing we were just talking about.”

“Yeah, I’ll check with Grace but that should be fine.”

“Great, I’ll take care of all the planning, the two of you just need to show up.”

Kim focused on the measurements she was taking rather than Jess. “Okay.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw that Jess was smiling, but Alex definitely wasn’t. He looked almost wistful as Jess started talking about her plans for the double date. She resolved to try to find some way to help him.

–oOo–

On Thursday, Kim was determined to try to fix things with Shego. She really hadn’t meant to hurt her, and she felt like an asshole for bringing up things that the older woman clearly didn’t want to talk about. She arrived first and sat on the grass to wait. She’d been there for almost an hour by the time Shego showed up. _She doesn’t look happy to see me._ “Shego—”

“Zip it, Kimmie. I’m here to fight, not talk.”

Shego pushed Kim hard in the fight, harder than she ever had before. Her movements, usually so perfectly controlled, seemed a little more reckless than normal, and Kim found herself struggling to adjust to the change in style. She couldn’t predict what Shego was going to do anymore, and for the first time, she was worried that the other woman was actually going to hurt her. This wasn’t how these fights were supposed to go. _Maybe she’s acting like this because I forced her to talk._ Kim couldn’t tell if the older woman was just angry at her, or if she was treating everyone this way. Either way, it was probably at least partially her fault, and if Shego needed to use her as a punching bag to fix it, she would happily fill that role.

However, after about twenty minutes, Shego started to use her plasma. Kim knew she was _definitely_ going to get hurt if Shego kept fighting like that, so she did the only thing she could think of — she stopped fighting. She stood there, not moving, not flinching, as Shego’s burning hand moved towards her. She felt her heart pounding in her ears, and she squeezed her eyes shut, afraid that Shego wasn’t going to pull back. Rather than being burned, however, she suddenly found herself on her back with Shego straddling her, one hand still glowing.

“Do you need a timeout, Kimmie?”

There were a hundred things she wanted to say. A hundred thoughts that were fighting to be heard, anger and apologies and questions. At the end, all that came out was, “I’m sorry.”

Shego extinguished her hand. “We’re not talking about this.”

She moved to stand up, but Kim grabbed her wrists, holding her in place. Kim took a slow, deep breath before speaking. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d apologized like this. Truthfully, she didn’t know if she’d ever apologized like this. “Wait, please…just let me say it.” Shego didn’t look like she was going to agree to that, so Kim kept talking before she could pull away. “I shouldn’t have forced you to talk like that. We…we’re different people, and we need different things. When I’m hurt, I need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. When you’re hurt, you need to be left alone so you can still act like you’re in control. I tried to treat you the way that I would want to be treated, and it hurt you, and I’m sorry.” Shego looked down at Kim with an expression she couldn’t read. Kim released her wrists, allowing her to leave if she wanted to, but she didn’t move, didn’t speak, just looked at her. “I know I don’t have the right to ask this and I understand if you tell me to fuck off but…are you okay?”

“Wow, you really didn’t learn anything, did you Kimmie?”

Kim tried to keep her voice calm even though she wanted to snap back at her. She had no right to snap at Shego. Not today. “I said you could tell me to—”

“No, I’m not fucking okay. I don’t talk about that shit for a reason and it’s because it fucking _hurts_ , okay? It happened twelve fucking years ago and I was fine, and then you come along and bring up stuff that you have no right to know about, and it _still fucking hurts_ after we’re done talking, got it Princess?”

“I didn’t know.”

“No fucking shit.”

“Shego, I promise I didn’t mean to…I wouldn’t have done it, I swear.”

“That doesn’t make it hurt less.”

Kim just nodded. “Do you want to keep fighting?”

“Yeah.” Shego stood up and their fight resumed. The older woman was a little less aggressive this time and it was clear that she was putting more effort into controlling her actions, but she still seemed more reckless than normal. Kim realized that, whatever feelings had been dragged up when they spoke, the conversation was still affecting Shego. Her attempt to comfort Shego had apparently done the opposite and, even having done everything she could to fix it, she felt like shit. Eventually, however, she lost herself in the fighting. Once again, she felt grounded in the pattern of attacking and defending, even if it was thrown off a little by Shego’s lack of control. Over time, she could tell that Shego was also letting the fight take all her focus, letting her emotions fade instead of throwing them into every hit. It seemed like the fighting affected Shego the same way it affected Kim — it let her forget her worries, and grounded her back into herself. In a way, the fight seemed to solidify Kim’s apology. She wasn’t sure if Shego had forgiven her, or would forgive her, but it somehow felt like things between them were back to normal.

Kim considered asking if Grace could come to one of their fights, but the peace between them felt too fragile and she didn’t want to break it so soon. And she really didn’t want Grace to meet Shego either. What she’d told Grace was true — if anyone knew that her and Shego were meeting here, outside of their work, as something besides enemies, it could be dangerous for both of them. She trusted Grace, but the best way to keep this secret, was to not tell anyone at all. Still, she would ask; she’d told Grace she would, and she didn’t want to lie about it. But it could wait a week, she decided. She didn’t have to ask right now.

–oOo–

On Saturday morning, Kim stared at her phone in confusion. Rather than replying to Jess’s text, she called her. “We’re going bowling?”

“Yes!” Jess sounded extremely pleased with herself. “Well, bowling and dinner. But definitely bowling.”

“You’re serious.”

“Of course I’m serious. It’ll be fun, I promise.”

“Uh huh.”

“Look, Kim, I gotta go. I’ll send you the address, meet us there at seven.”

When Kim met Grace outside her building that night, the other girl didn’t seem nearly as doubtful as Kim. “That should be fun.”

She couldn’t argue with Grace, not when she was so excited, so she just said, “I hope so,” and grabbed her hand as they climbed onto the bus that would take them to the bowling alley.

Jess and Cameron were already waiting when they arrived. Kim had expected something like the place where she went bowling as a kid, with awful yellow lighting, tacky black-and-neon carpet, and pinball and Pacman machines in the corner. She wasn’t prepared for the dark storefront with the words _Lucky Strike_ glowing red. Nor was she expecting to show her ID at the door.

As they walked into the building, Kim paused to look around. There was a desk with bowling shoes near the entrance, but the desk was made of smooth wood rather than the cheap plastic she was accustomed to. The bowling lanes were on the right side of the room, illuminated by blue lights. Directly in front of them was a bar, several tables, and some fancy leather couches. The entire room was dim, and it definitely had a more _adult_ vibe than she normally got from bowling alleys.

Jess walked up to her, grinning. “See? I _told_ you it was a good idea. They’re 21+ on Saturday nights.”

They got their bowling shoes and walked over to one of the lanes. Jess started typing into the screen next to the chairs, and their names appeared on the board above the lane. _Kim, Grace, Camera—_ “Why is his name Camera?”

Cameron smiled. “For the same reason her name is going to be Jen.”

Jess sighed in mock exasperation as she typed it in. “Are you happy?”

“Very.”

As they sat down to change their shoes, Grace asked, “Can you tell us about the nicknames?”

Kim had expected Jess to answer, but Cameron spoke up first. “I really like photography, and Cameron sounds like Camera so…” He glared playfully at Jess, who just smiled.

Grace’s face lit up. “What type of camera do you use?”

“I have a Canon T5. I like to play around with long exposures a lot. Have you seen those long exposure shots of the stars?” Grace nodded. “Those kind of inspired me to start doing stuff like that. Do you also do photography?”

Grace nodded again, and the two of them launched into a conversation about cameras and lenses. Jess and Kim watched few minutes before Jess said, “I think we should start bowling soon.”

Grace and Cameron both stared at her — it was clear that they’d forgotten they were there to bowl and not talk about photography. Jess gestured for Kim to go first, and she picked up a blue and red ball. The colors were a little weird, but the weight was good, so she rolled it down the lane. She considered herself to be about average at bowling, and wasn’t disappointed when she knocked down eight pins by the end of her turn. As Grace stepped up, she walked back to Jess. “So why is your name Jen?”

Her friend laughed. “Our econ professor thinks my name is Jennifer. I told him he could just call me Jess because I thought that would be easier, but he went with Jen instead. He doesn’t do that with anyone else, just me.”

“I guess you’re just lucky.” Jess glared at her briefly, then left because it was her turn to bowl.

Kim sat next to Grace, who was already talking to Cameron about photography again. She intertwined their fingers as she listened to the conversation. Even though she couldn’t really understand what they were saying, it was nice to see Grace talk about something she loved. Her eyes lit up, and she started using her hands while she was talking, and there was a hint of a smile even when she was speaking. _She’s beautiful._

Jess cleared her throat loudly, and Kim looked at her. “Kim, stop staring at your girlfriend and get up and bowl.”

Her face turned bright red as she released Grace’s hand and stood up. Usually she would tell Jess that Grace wasn’t her girlfriend yet, but she couldn’t say anything while they were on a date. Even though they’d been together for less than two months…she liked the idea of being able to call Grace her _girlfriend_ eventually. Before Kim had taken more than a few steps, Grace stood up and grabbed her hand again. “I’ll come with you.”

The other girl leaned against the machine that dispensed the balls while Kim started bowling. When she turned to get a second ball, Grace was already holding one. “Purple is your favorite color, right?” Even in the dim light, Kim could tell that she was blushing a little. The ball was lighter than the ones she would usually use, but, even with the blue and red ball sitting right there, she accepted the purple one from Grace without hesitation.

During the next round of bowling, Kim made a point of going over to Cameron. “Um…hi.”

He looked up, a little startled. “Hi.”

When the silence became awkward, she said, “You’re studying mechanical engineering, right?”

“Yeah, um…how did you know?”

“Jess told me.”

“Does she talk about me a lot?”

“Yeah. And I talk to her about Grace.”

After a little more awkward silence, he asked, “How did you and Grace meet?”

Kim started to tell the story, and Cameron was a good listener. She quickly realized that the awkward silences weren’t because he didn’t want to talk to her — he just didn’t speak unless he actually had something to say. After she figured that out, their conversation became much less uncomfortable. When a few minutes had passed and Jess hadn’t bothered them about bowling, she looked over and saw her friend talking to Grace. Cameron followed her gaze. “Do you, um, do you want to go back to bowling?”

She shook her head. “I was just confused about why Jess hadn’t come over yet.”

He laughed a little. “She was really excited for this, you know. She really wanted us to meet.”

Kim nodded slowly, thinking about what she was about to say and if she should even say it. “Jess has dated a lot of guys, but she’s never tried this hard for someone before. She doesn’t usually stay with a guy this long, and she never asks anyone to meet her friends.” She cautiously looked at Cameron, and saw him watching her with a serious gaze. “I know she’s dated other people on the soccer team, so…this really means something to her. She doesn’t usually care if dates go well.”

Cameron nodded. “I think I knew that, but it’s nice to hear you say it. Being with her makes me happy.”

“Being with you makes her happy too.” After a few seconds of silence, she looked over at Jess and Grace again. “I wonder what they’re talking about.”

“Do you want to go ask them why they’re not bowling?”

Kim glanced at the board, and saw that it was Jess’s turn. She returned Cameron’s smile. “Let’s do it.” As they walked over to interrupt their dates, she had to admit that maybe, just _maybe_ , this hadn’t been a terrible idea.

–oOo–

Kim was doing homework with Alex and Jess on Monday night when Mayank walked into the library and sat in the chair next to Alex. Even though he’d looked so confident in Alex’s apartment, now he seemed a little nervous. They both did, and Kim could guess why he was there. She saw Mayank grab Alex’s hand under the table, and she sent him what she hoped was an encouraging smile. Jess just looked between the two of them and Mayank, and eventually asked. “Is anyone going to tell me what this guy is doing here? And maybe who he is?”

Alex took a deep breath, and despite looking as nervous as Kim had ever seen him, he spoke confidently. “This is Mayank. He’s my boyfriend.”

Jess was silent for a moment, and then another, and Kim kicked her under the table. This was getting awkward, and Alex’s nervousness looked like it was about to turn into panic. After one more agonizing moment, Jess smiled, and she couldn’t hide the excitement in her voice as she quietly confirmed, “You have a boyfriend?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“That is so great. But seriously, both of you need to tell me this stuff earlier. Do you know how annoying it is to try to set someone up and then find out they’re already dating someone else?”

Alex was smiling now. “I really don’t.”

“Kim, did you know about this?”

“Just for a few weeks.”

Alex drew the attention back to himself. “Jess, please don’t tell anyone. Only the two of you know right now, and I want to keep it that way. You can’t tell Cameron, okay? I don’t want it to get out to the guys on the team yet.”

“Alex, my lips are sealed.” She made the motion of zipping her mouth and throwing away the key. Kim decided not to mention that Jess had told Alex about her breakup with Ron, even after Kim asked her to keep it quiet. Hopefully she’d do better with this secret, but if not, there was nothing she could do to stop it; she'd already warned Alex that Jess might not keep his secret, and he'd decided to tell her anyway.

“Thanks.”

Mayank stood up to leave again — apparently he’d only joined them to support Alex. Kim heard him whisper “I’m so proud of you” before leaving.

Alex stared at the spot where his boyfriend had been sitting. “He’s proud of me.”

Kim smiled. “You just did something you were afraid of. Of course he’s proud of you.”

Alex just shook his head and said it again, like he was trying to convince himself that he'd really heard it.

“So I’m the only straight one here?” Jess confirmed.

Kim shrugged. “I guess so.”

Jess glanced between Alex and Kim before quietly telling them, “I’m really impressed by both of you. You’re really brave for being out like this.”

The comment caught Kim off guard. She’d never thought of it as _brave_. It was just…she didn’t think of dating a girl as any different from dating a boy. Introducing Grace as her girlfriend — when they got there — would be exactly the same as introducing Ron as her boyfriend. Then again, she didn’t talk to many people anymore. Her school was fairly liberal, and the only person from Middleton who she still kept in touch with was Wade, but their conversations had become almost strictly professional since her breakup with Ron. So she wasn’t hiding it exactly, but there was really no one to tell besides Alex, Jess, and Shego.

Alex, on the other hand… “I’m not really out yet. But…telling you about this was pretty hard.”

“And what about telling Kim?”

They exchanged a quick glance before Alex started explaining the story. Kim realized that, for Alex, coming out to _anyone_ really was brave. He was so afraid to tell anybody…Kim had been nervous about talking to him and Jess, but it was clear that his nerves far exceeded anything she’d felt. _I’m proud of him too._

Jess continued to interrogate Alex about all the details of his relationship — when did they meet, how long had they been dating, what did they do together. A lot of it was stuff that Kim had already heard, and she started to work on her final history paper while they talked.

At the beginning of the semester, if someone had told her that she’d be dating a girl, Alex would be dating a boy, and Jess would be in a serious relationship, she would have laughed. All of those things would’ve seemed as impossible as the idea of Ron cheating. But now it felt normal, natural. _We’ve all changed this semester._ Despite the awful things that had happened over the past few months, at least some of it wasn't bad. After all, she’d never seen Alex smile the way he did when he was with Mayank. She’d never seen Jess blush and get excited about dates with a boy, like she did with Cameron. And Grace — well, she made Kim happy. Happier than she would have expected so soon after a breakup with Ron. In the back of her head, she remembered her confused feelings for Shego, but she pushed them aside. _I’m dating Grace. I’m_ happy _with Grace. Shego isn’t going to ruin my happiness._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a lot longer than expected...The past week has been really rough with the election, and I basically stopped writing. The next chapter shouldn't take as long.
> 
> Also, if you want to see the star pictures that Cameron is talking about, look up star trails. They're really cool :)


	13. 107 days since breakup

Kim spent the rest of the week working on final projects and preparing for exams. It was a little frightening to think about the fact that her junior year was almost over — she only had one more year til graduation — but she was too busy to put much thought into it. She almost called off sparring with Shego on Thursday so she could have the extra time to study, but she really needed the stress relief that came from fighting.

When Shego arrived, she looked Kim up and down carefully, but her gaze wasn’t sexual. It was more… “You look like shit.”

Kim nodded. “Finals start on Monday.”

“I hope you know I’m not going easy on you because you’re tired.”

She smirked. “I wouldn’t want you to.”

But as they fought, she knew Shego _was_ going easy on her, and though she’d never admit it out loud, she was grateful. She needed to burn off some stress, and their normal fights would have made her even more exhausted; she would’ve left feeling miserable. Instead, she felt herself regaining some of her normal energy. For the first time in days, she could actually focus on something. She left behind the equation sheets and citations that she’d been staring at non-stop, and fought almost methodically, relishing the feeling of being able to do what she _wanted_ to do, instead of what she _had_ to do. The motion of fighting was relaxing, when everything else was stressful, and she was glad that Shego gave her the freedom to fight the way she needed to at the moment.

At the end, she wanted to thank the older woman, but she could already picture the scowl, the way she would snap _Don’t get used to it._ So instead she said, “I won’t be able to make it next week.”

“Why’s that Kimmie?”

“Finals.” Shego shrugged and started to walk away. “Thanks for sparring with me.” It wasn’t exactly what she wanted to thank her for, but she knew it was the most that Shego would allow.

The older woman rolled her eyes. “I already told you, I’m doing this for me.” She walked back to her hovercraft, and Kim was left standing there, and she already felt some of the exhaustion starting to creep back into her mind.

–oOo–

Kim caught up to Alex as they were leaving their calc final on Tuesday. “That was awful.”

He turned to look at her. “Yeah. They’ll probably curve it. They always do.”

Kim shrugged. “Do you have any more finals?”

“Yeah, one more on Thursday. Do you?”

She nodded. “I have one on Friday.” She took a deep breath and tried to prepare herself for what she was about to say. “Do you um…do you want to go on a double date with me and Grace?” She’d been thinking about it a lot over the past few weeks; Alex had seemed so disappointed when Jess had brought up the idea of a double date, and she’d had so much fun…she wanted him to experience that too.

“Kim, you know I can’t do that.”

She’d put a lot of thought into that aspect of the date. “We can see a movie. It’s a normal thing for friends to do, and it’ll be dark. No one will know the two of you are together.” He still looked unsure. “A new Marvel move just came out, right? We could see that.” Kim had never really enjoyed action movies — they reminded her too much of her life — but she knew Alex really liked them. She didn’t even know the name of the movie she was suggesting, but she was willing to watch it so Alex could go on a date with his boyfriend. “You’d be taking your boyfriend to see a movie you’re excited about. That’s a real date, and no one else will know.”

Alex looked at her and nodded. “I’ll ask Mayank.”

“And I’ll talk to Grace.”

She looked at Alex’s face, waiting for confirmation that it was okay to tell Grace about him and Mayank. He sighed and looked away. “Okay. I’ll text you later.”

“Wait…we don’t have to do this. I just thought you were kinda left out when we went on the date with Jess and Cameron.”

“I kinda felt like I was, but I…I’m not sure if I can. I’ll talk to him and let you know, okay?” She nodded and started to walk away, feeling far less confident than she had before the conversation. She’d wanted to give Alex and Mayank the opportunity to be together in public, even if no one knew it was a date, but it seemed almost like it was upsetting him. _This is so not how this was supposed to go._ “Hey, Kim?” She stopped walking and turned to look back at him. “Thanks.”

–oOo–

Kim really did need to study for her last final, but Jess was going home in the morning, so Kim went to see her that night. She sat on Jess’s bed, eating takeout, while the other girl ran around the room, rushing to pack at the last minute. All her clothes had been pulled out of her closet and were in piles on the floor, surrounding Jess and her open, mostly empty suitcases. Jess groaned and buried her head in her hands. “I own way too much stuff.”

“You should take a break to eat.”

Jess looked like she wanted to protest, but she glanced back at the mess on the floor, then stood up and joined Kim on her bed. “I should’ve started packing sooner.”

“Probably. But you had finals.”

“Yeah, but I’m really not ready to leave tomorrow. I mean, do you see all this stuff?” Jess picked up her food and started eating. “Would it really be that bad for me to stay here a few more days? Why do I need to leave _tomorrow?_ ” They were rhetorical questions, and ones that Kim had heard before. Jess’s parents were insisting that she go home the day after her finals ended, so they could spend as much time together as possible before Jess left for her internship. Kim suspected that she was equally upset about needing to pack and needing to leave Cameron.

“Cameron is going home next week, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you guys figured out what you’re doing this summer?” Jess was going to be interning for a pharmaceutical company in Texas, and, as far as Kim knew, Cameron was staying in California for the summer.

Her friend shrugged. “Video calls, lots of texting. We’ll try to visit each other a couple times.” She could tell that Jess had more to say, so she waited. “It’s so weird, we haven’t even been together that long. Like, if someone was asking me if they should go long distance in a six week relationship, I’d just tell them to end it, y’know? Like, we’re gonna be apart for longer than we’ve been together, but I don’t want to break it off. I really, really like him.”

Kim’s reply was quiet, and she kept her eyes fixed on the empty box of food in her lap. “Yeah. I get it.”

Jess picked up on the change in tone. “Is that how you felt about Ron?”

“Yeah. Long distance is hard, but if you really like him, you’ll be okay.”

“I don’t know…you and Ron didn’t end up okay.”

Kim winced, but spoke firmly, hoping to end the conversation. “Ron was an asshole. He decided to cheat on me, and I made the mistake of trusting him, okay? If you don’t think Cameron will do that…it will only be a few months. You’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…y’know.”

Kim forced herself to smile. “It’s fine. It happened months ago, and I’m fine now. And I’m dating someone better.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that girl will ever cheat on you. You should’ve heard the way she talked about you when we were bowling — she’s head over heels for you.”

“Cameron said some nice things about you too.”

“Kim, I mean it. She’s like, seriously falling for you.” Kim brushed it off; Jess sometimes made exaggerated statements like that, and she knew better than to put too much stock in it. Rather than replying, she asked what Jess was planning to do with her family. She was relieved when her friend didn’t resist the change of topic — it reinforced her belief that Jess’s claim had been overdramatic. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about Grace — she cared very much — but she wasn’t falling _head over heels_ yet either. They’d barely known each other for two months, and she didn’t think that was long enough to _seriously fall_ for someone.

When Jess finished eating, she moved back to her spot on the floor, and Kim pulled out her notes to study for her last exam. She really should have started earlier, but she’d been focusing on her other finals, and had waited til the last few days to study for this one. _At least I have two more days to study._ She hadn’t intended to stay in Jess’s room for more than an hour or two, but the change of scenery was actually nice. She’d never expected to study for an exam while sitting on her friend’s bed, but the desk and floor were both inaccessible, and she found that it was easy to just focus on her notes and the practice problems she was working through; Jess’s movements and quiet comments faded into the background. It was the most productive studying she’d done in a long time.

After she finished reviewing the first two chapters, she looked up to check Jess’s progress. The first suitcase was about half-full, but the piles on the floor seemed more organized, and it would definitely be possible to walk to the door without stepping on clothes. “I asked Alex if he wants to go on a double date with me and Grace.”

Jess stopped packing and looked up at her. “Did he say yes? I thought he didn’t want anyone to know about that.”

“He said he’ll ask Mayank. He doesn’t want people to know, but it would just be a movie. It’s a movie he wants to see, and Grace and I saw a movie on one of our first dates…” Kim trailed off and felt her face turning red in embarrassment. She wasn’t sure what reaction she’d been expecting, but _laughter_ definitely wasn’t on the list. Combined with Alex’s lackluster response earlier, she felt like she’d done something stupid. “It wasn’t supposed to be funny.”

“No, it’s not funny, it’s a really good idea, it’s just—” Jess stopped talking and kept laughing, and she didn’t speak again until she was finally able to stop. “A few weeks ago I was _begging_ you to go on a double date and now you’re pressuring someone else to go on one.”

“Okay, maybe it is a little funny,” she admitted grudgingly.

“I’m proud of you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re doing all this on your own! A year ago, there’s no way you could’ve planned a double date. You’re learning.”

Kim shrugged. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She went back to studying, and Jess continued packing. Two chapters later, she looked at the time and was surprised to see that it was already after midnight. “I’m going home so I can sleep.”

Jess stood up and hugged her tightly. “I’ll see you in a few months.”

Kim returned the hug, though not quite as forcefully. “Yeah, I’ll see you in the fall.”

–oOo–

After her final on Friday, Kim spent the day with Grace until it was time to meet Alex and Mayank for the movie. They met in front of the theatre; it was the same theatre her and Grace had gone to on one of their first dates, and she was glad she could share it with Alex, who could barely even go on dates in public. Him and Mayank were standing awkwardly, a little further apart than friends would be; it was obvious that they were trying to hide the fact that they were together. Alex smiled when he saw Kim and Grace, but she caught Mayank looking longingly at their joined hands.

Grace was the first one to speak. “Let’s go in.”

Alex went to the desk at the front and bought four tickets for the newest Marvel movie, which she still didn’t know the name of. Alex’s boyfriend was watching him with a soft smile, which was a sharp contrast to his usual confidence. But looking at him, seeing how he looked at Alex…it made her glad she’d done this. Glad she’d given them a chance to do one of things that a couple would normally do, if they didn’t need to hide their relationship from the world.

Grace squeezed her hand, and Kim looked up at her. “This is a good idea.”

“Thanks. I really want it to go well. For them.”

The other girl smiled. “I think you’re doing a great job so far.”

Alex walked over to them and handed them the tickets. He avoided looking at Mayank, and was careful to make sure their hands didn’t touch when he gave him a ticket. The other boy looked pained, and his earlier smile was replaced by a miserable exhaustion. Mayank projected his emotions very clearly, and right now, it was obvious that he was tired of this. He cared about Alex, and he’d been excited to go on a real date with him, in public, and now his boyfriend wouldn’t even look at him. Alex didn’t look happy either. In fact, he was practically radiating stress. _He thinks someone will realize that they’re dating._ Kim and Grace shared a look of concern before Kim spoke up.

“Grace, can you and Mayank get popcorn? Alex and I will find seats.”

Grace and Mayank went to buy snacks, and Kim practically dragged Alex further into the building, stopping just outside the theatre where their movie was playing. After looking around to confirm that no one else was in the hallway, she turned back to Alex. “Do you want this to go well?”

Alex repeated her check of the hallway. “Of course I do! I’m just…nervous.”

She briefly considered easing him into the conversation, but they didn’t have time for her to be anything but blunt. “Mayank is miserable.”

“What?”

“You won’t even look at him. Have you even talked to him since you got here?”

“Of course I…” Alex paused, running through the events of the evening. “I don’t think I have.” He leaned against the wall and ran his hands through his hair nervously. “I really want this to go well Kim, and I care about him so much, but _shit_ this is hard. I don’t know what to do.”

Kim took a deep breath, and then another one, and hoped she was going to give good advice. “You could start by treating him the same way that you would treat a friend. Talk to him the way you would talk to me.”

“I want to it’s just that…I don’t _want_ to talk to him the way I talk to you. I want to talk to him like my _boyfriend_ and I can’t do that so I just freeze up because it’s like…what if I talk to him like that and someone notices? Or I accidentally touch him and end up holding his hand? Or look at him when he’s doing that really cute smile that he does sometimes when he notices that I’m staring? I mean, how am I supposed to pretend to be _just friends_ with him?” His voice was panicked, desperate.

“Did you ever say that to him?”

Alex shook his head. “I can’t. It’s my fault that this is happening, I mean, if it was up to him we’d be going on dates all the time. I would totally want to do that too, it’s just…”

“Scary?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what to do,” he said again.

“When he gets back, you should talk to him. Not about this, but don’t push him away so much. And in the theatre, maybe hold his hand, okay?”

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I can do that.”

“Good. Now let’s get seats before they get back.”

When Grace and Mayank arrived with snacks, they were already sitting at the end of a row of seats. Grace sat on the outside, next to Kim, and Mayank sat all the way on the inside, with his boyfriend. She heard Alex start to mumble an apology and leaned her head on Grace’s shoulder, watching them out of the corner of her eye. Alex nodded in response to something Mayank said, and Mayank reached out to touch him, then dropped his hand and turned away. _Hold his hand._ Alex grabbed Mayank’s hand, looking directly at the screen, not even glancing at his boyfriend. Kim could practically see the waves of tension coming off him, but he didn’t let go. Mayank turned back and looked at him in awe, before relaxing back into his seat and letting their hands rest in between them. _I’m proud of you._

“You did a really good job when you talked to him.”

“You didn’t hear what I said.”

Grace laughed quietly. “I didn’t have to.”

Kim looked at Alex again, and saw that he’d relaxed a little and was starting to smile. He kept glancing at their intertwined hands, like he couldn’t believe they were real.

“It looks like the movie is starting.” Alex shushed them, but they ignored him.

“Are you going to watch this time?” Grace teased.

“I don’t like watching action movies.”

“But you like watching me?”

“Of course I do.”

Kim expected more teasing, but Grace just looked at her for a few moments. “You’re amazing.” Before Kim could reply, Grace wrapped an arm around her, and Kim rested her head on her shoulder and decided to enjoy either the movie or her proximity to Grace. Within a few minutes, however, she felt her eyes starting to close, and, exhausted from exams, she didn’t fight her desire to sleep. She woke after about an hour and found that she — unsurprisingly — had no idea what was happening on screen. Still, she made an effort to stay awake until the end.

When the movie ended, Alex and Mayank started discussing the plot excitedly. It seemed like the awkwardness between them had been resolved, and Kim was glad to see them enjoying themselves. They stopped just outside the building, and Alex looked over at Kim. “So…I’ll see you in the fall, right?”

Kim nodded, then stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. He whispered, “Thank you,” and she replied with something Jess would have said. “That was really brave.”

They separated, and Kim moved back towards Grace and took her hand. They walked away, leaving Alex and Mayank alone. They went back to Grace’s apartment, and arrived faster than Kim would have expected — she’d forgotten that Grace’s building was much closer than hers.

As Kim was getting water, Grace walked over to her, rested her hands on her waist, and kissed her gently. “I…” Kim wasn’t sure what to make of the emotion in the other girl’s eyes. “You’re really incredible.” Grace stepped back and leaned against the counter.

“Thanks. You’re pretty amazing too.” Kim laughed and Grace joined her, but it sounded a little forced. “Do you have to work on the study tomorrow?”

“Yeah. I know it’s a Saturday, but it’s the end of the semester and there’s so much work to do right now. There are a lot of students who have a lot of free time to participate in studies, but they’re all leaving soon.” Kim nodded in acknowledgement. “So is there anything you want to do tonight?”

“I’m pretty tired from finals. Can we just go to bed?”

“To sleep or to bed?” Grace asked with a familiar glint in her eyes.

Kim considered it for a moment before taking a step closer, so she was just inches away from Grace. “To bed.” The other girl leaned down and kissed her, and they just barely kept their clothes on until they made it to the bedroom and fell into bed.

–oOo–

When Kim opened her eyes the next morning, Grace was studying her carefully. She got up to go to the bathroom, then pulled on her shirt before crawling back into bed to cuddle with Grace. However, as she sat down, she noticed the other girl studying her with the same intensity. “Um, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything is fine. Let’s get out of bed.” Kim really just wanted to cuddle more, but she got dressed without complaint. It was clear that _something_ was bothering Grace, and it hadn’t started this morning. There had been a few times in the past week when she’d caught Grace staring like that, and it had been even more obvious the night before. But Kim decided not to push her; she would talk about it when she was ready.

Kim went to the kitchen to make pancakes for breakfast. As she cooked, she felt Grace staring at her again, and it was starting to make her a little anxious. She remained completely focused on the food she was cooking, and tried not to think too deeply into it. They ate their pancakes with much less conversation than normal. After they were done, Kim stood to put the dishes in the kitchen, but Grace grabbed her wrist when she tried to walk away. “I love you.” The words were spoken in a calm, even tone and the other girl met her eyes, but Kim knew her well enough to notice the tenseness in her voice and the anxious way that she tapped her fingers against her knee.

“You…you do?”

“Yes.”

Her brain struggled to catch up to the importance of this moment. Grace loved her. Grace _loved_ her. Jess had been right. Grace was _heads over heels_ for her and _seriously falling_ for her, and Kim…she wasn’t there yet. She couldn’t fall for someone this fast. Not Ron, not Grace, not Shego. Suddenly all she could think about was how angry Shego had been when she blew off a fight to have sex with Grace, how desperately she’d wanted to kiss her, not even a month ago, when she was crying on her couch. What would she say to Shego if she said she loved Grace? Why was Shego even invading this moment? She should be focused completely on Grace. Grace, the amazing girl she was dating, who _loved_ her. Regardless of _whatever_ she felt for Shego, it didn’t change how she felt for Grace. Grace made her happy, happier than she would have imagined. She loved spending time with her, and she loved being with her. But she wasn't in love with her, not yet. “I…I’m not ready to say it yet. I’m sorry.”

Grace’s face fell slightly, but she forced herself to smile. “That’s okay. I just wanted you to know.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

More than anything, Kim wanted to flee, wanted to run back to her own apartment and figure out what was going on inside her head, process the fact that Grace loved her and she was fairly certain she didn’t love Grace. At least not yet. But she couldn’t run away. She couldn’t act like Grace’s words made her afraid, made her less willing to be with the other girl. So she put the dishes in the sink instead of washing them immediately, took a few deep breaths, counted to ten, and went back to sit with Grace. The other girl looked nervous, and Kim realized that Grace was afraid she was going to do exactly what she’d been thinking of doing. Grace was afraid that Kim was going to push her away, that she’d scared her off by admitting how much she cared.

Instead of going back to her own chair, Kim sat on Grace’s lap and leaned forward to kiss her. Grace didn’t resist, but when the kiss ended, she pulled Kim to rest her head on her shoulder rather than kissing her again. She whispered “I love you” into her ear, and Kim whispered back “I know.” She did know, she could feel the emotion that Grace had put into the kiss, and it scared her. It scared her because she couldn’t return it, and because maybe, it reminded her a little too much of Ron, of how easily he’d fallen for her, how easily he’d moved on to someone new. _Grace isn’t like that._ Kim kept her head on Grace’s shoulder, and they stayed like that for several minutes, not talking, not kissing, just sitting, being close to each other.

Eventually Grace whispered, “I need to do some work.”

“Stay for a few more minutes.” She felt Grace nod, even though she couldn’t see her. This felt special, this moment of just sitting with the girl who loved her. Kim was afraid to move, afraid to speak too loudly, in case she ruined it.

When Grace needed to leave, Kim walked her to the building where her study was being conducted. “I’ll see you later.” Grace nodded, and Kim could see it in her eyes, could feel it when she kissed her goodbye. Grace really did love her. As soon as the other girl walked through the door, Kim turned around and, finally, ran.


	14. 116 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter picks up right where the last one left off, so the morning that Grace told Kim that she loves her.  
> Also, Love Simon gets mentioned a couple times, but no spoilers

Kim didn’t want to go back to her apartment, so she ran to the only other place where she could be alone: the clearing where she sparred with Shego. This place usually made her feel focused and in control, two things that she definitely wasn’t right now. However, laying in the grass, staring up at the sky, she still couldn’t concentrate. It felt like her mind was spinning in too many different directions, and she wanted to stand up and just keep running until she’d gone far enough to pretend this morning hadn’t happened.

Desperate to calm down, she texted Shego, asking if she was free to fight. When she received the confirmation a few minutes later, she felt herself relax just a little, but by the time the older woman arrived, she was ready to run again.

“What the hell happened to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Can we please just fight?”

Shego shrugged and slipped into a fighting stance. Kim matched her, then made the first move. The fight was fast-paced, and she knew she was the one driving it. She needed this fight much more than Shego did, and the other woman was letting her control the speed. Her hands and legs moved fast, so fast that she barely had time to think, so fast that she could ignore what Grace had said. _I love you._ Kim hadn’t been sure before, but she was now. Right now, in this fight, she couldn’t afford to lie to herself. _I don’t love her._ She thought she could love Grace, eventually, but she’d only known her for two months. She really liked being with her — going on dates, doing homework, cooking dinner together — but her feelings weren’t there yet. They probably would be in the future, but right now she was scared of how much Grace already cared about her. She didn’t want to hurt the other girl by pretending to love her, but she knew it would also hurt to admit that she didn’t love her yet. But after everything Ron had done, she couldn’t fall in love with someone after two months.

Kim suddenly realized that her and Shego weren’t really fighting anymore. She was just throwing punches, as hard and fast as she could, and the other woman was blocking or dodging all of them. Shego wasn’t trying to fight her, she was just letting Kim release all her frustration. Kim wasn’t holding back at all and she would definitely hurt Shego if she landed a blow, but she knew it wouldn’t happen; they were both too good, and too evenly matched.

She stopped and realized she was breathing heavily. So was Shego. The older woman stared at her critically. “Don’t even pretend you’re okay Kimmie.” Kim just nodded, still trying to catch her breath.

There were a hundred things running through her head. Thoughts about Shego, about Grace, about Ron. “Grace wants to watch us fight,” she blurted. She saw Shego’s eyes narrow, and she continued before the other woman could get too upset. “I don’t want her to see us.” Admitting it out loud felt like a betrayal, especially now, when her feelings were so confused. “I told her it wasn’t safe for either of us, but I promised I’d ask so…can Grace watch us fight?”

“Nope.” Kim relaxed slightly — part of her had expected Shego to say yes just to mess with her. “But why couldn’t you just say it?”

“She’s so nice and…I guess I feel bad about saying no to her.”

Shego’s eyes narrowed again, and she could practically see the older woman putting the pieces together. “Something else happened.” Shego looked at her with an expression that said _don’t even try it._

“She said she loves me.”

“And based on the fact that you’re sitting here, I’m gonna guess you don’t love her.”

Even though her heartrate was still slowing down from their fight, Kim could’ve sworn she felt it skyrocket again. Why had she thought this was a good idea? Why had she thought that seeing Shego right now would _help?_ The fight had helped her calm down, but the last thing she wanted was to talk to Shego about her feelings for Grace. She still needed to process everything that had happened, and the fact that she’d spent so much time thinking about Shego was definitely on that list. She needed time away from both of them so she could think.

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

Shego studied her carefully. “Okay Kimmie.”

“I should go.”

“Do you want a ride?” Shego was still looking at her like that, and after the past few days of Grace staring at her, it was almost more than she could handle.

“No, I need to clear my head.” _And getting in a hovercraft with you would definitely_ not _make things better._ When Shego didn’t respond after a few seconds, she started walking away.

“Will you be around this summer?” Kim was almost far enough that she missed the question. But she stopped, and tuned to look back at Shego.

“Yeah. Uh, why do you care?”

Shego rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to lose my sparring partner.” Underneath the sarcastic reply was something more serious, something she didn’t want to think about. _I seriously need to get out of here._

She continued walking until she was out of Shego’s sight, and then she ran. She sprinted through the woods near the clearing, carefully avoiding tree roots. She didn’t stop until she was gasping for air, then she sat and leaned against one of the trees.

Right here, she felt okay. Grace didn’t know where she was, and Shego didn’t know where she was, and she could just think. Just breathe. The fight and her run had drained most of her stress, and now she needed to go through everything that had happened. _That’s a short list._ Really, only one thing had happened.

Grace said she loved her. That should be _huge._ She should feel something when she thought about that, but she mostly just felt dread. All she could think about was how Grace had looked at her, and how Ron had looked at her in the exact same way. How easy it had been for Ron to move on. How much she’d loved him, and how much he’d hurt her. How could she love someone else like that? _Grace isn’t Ron._ Kim knew that Grace wouldn’t hurt her, but she’d also thought that Ron wouldn’t hurt her.

She felt tears running down her face. She’d thought she was done with this. She’d thought she’d moved completely past Ron, that she could be happy with Grace without ever thinking about him. But now she knew that Grace loved her, and all she could do was think about Ron and fight with Shego and run away. It wasn’t fair to Grace, and it wasn’t fair to herself.

She counted to ten in her head, over and over, until she felt like she could breathe a little easier. She wondered if Grace knew, if she could tell that Kim didn’t love her yet. If she knew that Kim wasn’t just afraid of _saying_ it; even if she said it, she wouldn't mean it. Kim tried to rationalize it to herself. She reminded herself that people fall in love at different speeds, that is was okay if it took longer for her than it did for Grace. That she was hesitant to care for anyone so much after everything that had happened, first with Ron and then with her friends and family. But even with all this rationalization, she felt like she was hurting Grace, and she didn’t want to do that.

 _What_ do _I want?_ It wasn't a question she'd considered before — she'd been trying to draw some conclusion from the mess of emotions. But what she wanted...that was much easier. She wanted to be with Grace. She was happy with her, and she cared about her, and she never wanted to hurt her. She could accept that Grace fell in love with her faster than she was falling for Grace. Maybe it would take longer than it should because of everything that had happened, but she wanted to love Grace. The other girl made her so happy, and she enjoyed being around her all the time, and she already cared so much. She wanted to stay with Grace, and she wanted to love her.

 _What about Shego? What do I want with her?_ Kim hated the part of her mind that asked that. The part that sometimes felt things for Shego, the part that stored the memories of Shego’s arms wrapped around her as she slept, the part that remembered Shego crying on her couch. But in terms of what she wanted...well, she was certain that wanted to be with Grace. Shego wasn't Grace.

She felt her panic fade almost completely. She didn't need to be afraid of what Grace felt; she wanted to feel it too, and hopefully she would soon. Grace loved her. For the first time since the other girl had said that, she allowed herself to really think about what it meant. She leaned her head back against the tree. Grace _loved_ her. That amazing, beautiful, kind girl loved her. She smiled up at the sky and whispered, “She loves me,” and it felt amazing to say that and to _know_ without a doubt that there was still someone who loved her like that.

She suddenly remembered how nervous Grace had been that morning. She’d been so afraid that Kim was going to run, that she’d scared her away. And Kim had run. She had been scared. But now, she realized, she’d been more afraid of her own feelings than of Grace. She was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to love someone, even someone that she wanted to love, and she was afraid that she would hurt Grace. She was afraid that Grace would leave her and she would get hurt again. But she wasn’t afraid of Grace’s love for her, and she needed to make that clear.

She texted Grace, asking her to come over for dinner, then she stood up and started to walk back to her apartment. She was done freaking out. She would be okay. Her and Grace would be okay.

–oOo–

Kim realized too late that she didn’t have a kitchen table where they could sit. She had barstools, a couch, and a comfortable chair, which was fine when she was eating by herself. It was usually okay for eating with someone else too, but she was trying to prepare a nice dinner for Grace and she didn’t have anywhere for them to sit. _I guess the counter will have to be good enough._

She finished cooking before Grace arrived and stood in the kitchen awkwardly, waiting for her to arrive and wishing she had a table. Even though she’d been waiting for a knock on the door, she still jumped when she heard it. When she opened the door, Grace looked exhausted, and Kim felt a pang of guilt, wondering if she’d contributed to the other girl's exhaustion.

“Are you okay?”

Grace nodded. “I’m just tired. We had a lot of work today. I didn’t even get a break to eat lunch.”

“I cooked dinner, so you can eat now.”

Grace smiled. “You cooked for me?”

Kim felt her face turn red. “Our two month anniversary was a few days ago and you cooked for me for our one month anniversary so I—” She stopped abruptly as the other girl put a hand on her cheek. Kim looked up into her eyes and could practically see the _I love you_ shining through. It still scared her a little, but she didn’t run; she accepted it.

“Let’s eat, okay?”

“Okay.”

Dinner was quiet, but not uncomfortable. Grace was clearly tired from her day, and Kim decided to let her eat in peace and talk later. When they were done eating, Kim asked, “What do you want to do tonight?”

“Can we just watch a movie? I’m really tired.” Kim nodded and started to walk towards the couch, but Grace put a hand on her shoulder. “Can we watch it in bed? I might fall asleep.”

Kim nodded again. “What should we watch?”

Grace thought for a few seconds, then smiled. “Have you ever seen _Love Simon_?” Kim shook her head. “You should see it, it’s a good movie.”

As they watched the movie, Kim started to understand more of what Alex was feeling. The boy — Simon — was happy with his life. He was happy with his friends and family, and he was afraid of what would change if people knew he was gay. Kim compared that to her own life — when she’d started dating Grace, everyone from Middleton had hated her because of the breakup with Ron. She’d recently been assaulted, and her only source of comfort had been Shego, her enemy. With everything that had happened, she hadn’t been happy, not like Simon. Even if Jess had been uncomfortable with her dating a girl…she hadn't had much to lose. So while she’d been nervous to talk to her friends, she hadn’t been nearly as anxious as Simon. _Or Alex._ She was fairly certain that Grace hadn’t thought of Alex when she picked this movie, but Kim was glad she’d seen it. She took out her phone and quickly texted Alex, suggesting that he watch it when he had time.

Noticing how late it was, she asked, “Do you want to go to sleep now?”

“Yeah.”

They changed into pajamas and got back into bed, and Grace was asleep within minutes. Kim laid next to her, staring at the ceiling and thinking. After a few minutes, she turned to look at Grace sleeping beside her. _She loves me._ Somehow, it didn’t feel as magical as it had earlier. Still, she was sure that this was what she wanted. Before she could overthink it again, she closed her eyes went to sleep.

–oOo–

Kim woke before Grace and watched the other girl sleep. When Grace opened her eyes, she saw Kim staring at her and smiled. She said, “Good morning.”

“Good morning.” She looked away from Grace for a few seconds, trying to gather the courage to speak. “You…You know I care about you a lot, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I just—”

Grace sat up and cupped her cheek in one hand. “It’s okay, you don’t need to explain. Like I’ve said before, I’ll wait for you.”

Kim wasn’t sure if she should feel relieved or guilty. She was glad Grace was so understanding, but it still made her feel bad. She wanted to say it. She wanted it to be true. “Thank you.”

“Is it still okay for me to say that I love you?”

Kim looked at her in shock. She hadn’t realized how worried Grace was; she’d been too focused on her own feelings. “You can say it as much as you want. And hopefully I’ll be able to say it soon.”

“Okay, good. I love you.”

Kim felt it again, that rush of warmth. Grace _loved_ her. “Thank you.” She kissed her, then settled back in to just cuddle with her for a little while. “Do we need to get out of bed?”

“Well, I should probably start packing today.” _Oh. Right._ Kim had almost forgotten that Grace was going to visit her family for two weeks. Really, she’d intentionally ignored it, because she didn’t want to think about the fact that she would be alone.

“You’re leaving on Tuesday, right?”

“Yeah…I’m sorry I’ll be gone for so long.”

“It’s okay, you should have fun with your family.” She hesitated before asking, “Do they know about us?”

“They know I’m seeing someone, but they don’t know who. Actually, my sister knows, but I haven’t told my parents.”

Kim nodded. “Do you want to have lunch together before you leave?”

Grace hesitated. “I told Parker that I won’t be able to work while I’m in Texas, and I don’t think he’s happy about it. So I don’t know if I should leave for that long.”

“What if I bring food to you?”

“Well, I don’t know if Parker will be happy about it–” Kim started to put on her puppy dog pout “–but it should be fine.”

“Okay, then it’s a date.” Grace smiled and kissed her again, and Kim was happy to just lay in bed, being close to her, for as long as possible.

–oOo–

On Tuesday, Kim got takeout from an Indian restaurant down the street — Grace’s favorite — and found the room where she was working. As Grace had predicted, Parker, another student who was working on the project, gave her a poisonous look, but she ignored it and sat down next to Grace.

“How’s the research going?”

“It’s good. I’m actually looking at some data from a different study, which—”

Parker cleared his throat loudly and glared at them. “Excuse me, but _some_ of us are trying to work.”

Kim would have ignored him, but Grace touched her arm gently. “Let’s go.”

They walked to an empty classroom and sat down at a couple desks so they could eat in peace. “Don’t worry about Parker, he’s not that bad.” Grace had told her a lot about Parker, and Kim thought he sounded pretty bad. He was only working on the study because they’d needed to hire another person at the last minute, and the professor had taken the first student he could find. Parker was jealous that the professor had specifically asked Grace to work on the project, and he spent a lot of time trying to prove that he was better than her. Apparently, he thought taking a break for lunch and going home to visit family were signs that she wasn’t working hard enough.

“Which bus are you taking?”

“The one at 3:50.”

“Parker will be happy. You’re taking a lunch break, leaving early, and disappearing for two weeks.” Grace laughed so much that Kim was surprised Parker didn’t come in to yell at them. When she shared that, it only made the other girl laugh more. “If I stay here, can I walk with you to the bus stop?”

Grace looked surprised, but smiled. “Sure. I need to go back to my apartment to get my suitcase first.”

“Do you want me to do it so you can keep working?” Kim realized that she’d just offered to go to Grace’s apartment without her, and her face turned red.

The other girl didn’t seem to think it was strange. “Sure.” She pulled out her keys. “This one lets you into the building, and this one is for my apartment. The suitcase is in my room.” Kim nodded and put the keys in her pocket. They finished their meal, then Grace continued working and Kim left to get the suitcase.

When it was time to go to the bus stop, Grace met Kim outside; she didn’t want to give Parker another reason to yell at them. As they walked, Kim asked Grace about some of her plans with her family. The other girl told her that her sister was going to sleepaway camp in a week, and the two of them were planning to spend a lot of time together before she left. Kim smiled as Grace talked about her sister; her entire face lit up, and it was impossible to miss how much she cared about her. Kim waited with Grace until the bus got there. When it arrived, the other girl kissed her quickly and said, “I’ll see you in a couple weeks.”

Kim smiled back at her. “See you then. Text me when you get there?”

Grace nodded and got on the bus, and Kim watched as it pulled away, leaving her completely alone. It was true, she realized as she walked back to her apartment; she really was completely alone. Jess and Alex were both gone, and she wouldn’t see Grace for two weeks. She was glad that the other girl could spend time with her family, but it also reminded Kim that _she_ couldn’t do that. Seeing how excited Grace was…it made her think about how much she missed her parents. Even though she tried to avoid thinking about it, it still hurt. She loved them so much and she knew they loved her, but she couldn’t bring herself to call them. She remembered the expression on her father’s face, and the unfamiliar sharpness in her mother’s voice. _We’re very disappointed in you. I thought we raised you better than that._ No matter how much she loved them, she couldn’t put herself through that again.

Her friends were gone, she couldn’t talk to her family, and Grace was probably already at the airport, on the way to see her parents and sister. She sat in her apartment staring at her Kimmunicator, hoping for a mission to distract her from everything. _This is pathetic._ Her work in the lab didn’t start until Monday, so she had almost a full week with nothing to do. She thought about asking Shego to fight, which felt a little less pathetic than waiting for a mission. _It’s not like I’m doing anything else._ She pulled out the phone that Shego had given her and texted _Are you free tomorrow?_ When the other woman confirmed that she was, Kim let out a sigh of relief. She would have something to do tomorrow, even if was just for a few hours.

–oOo–

When Kim arrived to fight Shego the next day, the other woman was already waiting for her. Kim asked, “How does Drakken let you come here all the time?”

Shego scowled. “First off, Doc doesn't _let_ me do anything. But when he doesn’t need me to steal shit, he doesn’t care where I am.”

“And if you were stealing, I would’ve seen you.”

“Maybe not, Princess. I’m much better than you think I am.” It was clearly meant to bait her and, seeing as she was there to fight anyway, Kim gave in to the temptation to hit her.

Their recent fights had all been affected by some emotion. The fights had grounded her and let her work through whatever she was feeling, but, at the end of the day, she’d been fighting to deal with her problems, not for the pure joy of doing it. This time, Kim’s emotions were settled, and she knew what she wanted; she wanted to be with Grace, and she wanted to fight Shego, and that was exactly what she was doing. Her mind was completely clear of anything besides what move Shego was making and how she could respond, and she was relieved for the simple clarity that she hadn’t been able to find for weeks.

She could tell that Shego was enjoying it too; they both relished the pure freedom of fighting, the pattern of action and reaction that they’d repeated so many times. There was nothing stopping or slowing their fight. No Drakken, no henchmen, no _buffoon,_ no doomsday device with a timer. It was just the two of them, moving and countering each other effortlessly.

The fight ended with both of them laying on their backs next to each other. Kim couldn’t even remember who had hit the ground first, but she thought they were both glad to be there. “I’m not sure if I can even walk right now.” She looked at Shego and saw her trademark smirk, and she could already hear the comment she would make. “Please don’t say it.”

“I don’t need to.” That smirk was still firmly in place, and Kim wanted to hit her. But she really was too tired to fight right now.

The two of them didn’t talk for several minutes, and it only felt a little awkward. Shego eventually said, “See you later Princess,” and stood up to leave.

Kim sat up and grabbed her wrist. If Shego left, she would have to go back to sitting in her apartment by herself. Maybe Shego wasn’t the best company, but she was better than nothing. “Can you stay?”

She was expecting the other woman to say no, or at least ask why, but instead she just yanked her wrist away and sat down. It seemed a little out of character, and Kim was suddenly reminded of her own slightly confused feelings. She realized that she had no idea what Shego felt towards her.

“Why are you here this summer Kimmie? Couldn’t go home?” Her tone was mocking, and Kim immediately regretted asking her to stay.

“That—”

“Yeah, it was shitty. But spill.”

Kim wanted to protest that she didn’t owe Shego an explanation for anything; she wasn’t trying to hide it, but that comment really had been uncalled for, especially since Shego knew how much it would hurt her. But the other woman had that _don’t even try it_ look again, and Kim decided that this was Shego’s version of the puppy dog pout. A much more aggressive version, of course — it was Shego, after all — but Kim really couldn’t say no when she made that face.

“I’m working in a lab.”

“And your girlfriend?”

“She’s working on a psych study. But she’s visiting her family right now.”

“What are you doing in the lab?”

Kim was suddenly suspicious. “What are you doing?”

Shego rolled her eyes. “I’m making small talk Princess. But I can leave if you can’t answer a simple goddamn question without snapping at me.”

Kim was surprised by that response; she hadn't even realized that she was snapping at Shego. Talking after fighting had been her idea, and now she was the one being an asshole, even if it was unintentional. But rather than apologizing, she tried to imitate Shego’s smirk. “I needed to get back at you for the comment about my family.”

Now the older woman was smirking, and she was definitely doing a better job than Kim. “If you need to get back at me, we can always fight again.”

“I think I’m done fighting for the day.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she’d made a mistake. If she’d kept her mouth shut, Shego would have let the topic drop. Instead the other woman jumped to her feet, looking only a little more tired than normal.

“Nope, we’re fighting again.”

“I’m not.”

“Kimmie, I’m usually against kicking someone when they’re down, but I _will_ do it if you don’t get up.”

Kim knew it wasn’t an empty threat, so she groaned and stood up. After taking a break, she was ready to keep fight, but she would have preferred to continue talking instead. She watched as the older woman slowly walked in circles around her. In a real fight, she would have attacked, but she was curious about what Shego was doing. She tracked Shego’s movements, turning in place, for long enough that she started to get bored. Despite her curiosity, she was almost ready to attack first. As if sensing her thoughts, Shego moved. Kim wasn’t sure exactly what happened, but it felt like the ground was lifted out from under her, then there was a pressure on her shoulders, and she was lying face down on the dirt with Shego on top of her. She tried to dislodge the older woman, but it was harder than she would have expected. In fact, she made almost no progress until she got off voluntarily. Kim jumped to her feet. “We’re doing that again.”

Shego shrugged and resumed circling around Kim. Just like last time, she was able to knock Kim down in a series of rapid moves. They repeated it a few more times, and Kim grew more and more frustrated. Shego was attacking the same way each time, but she still had no idea what she was doing.

“How do you keep doing that?”

Shego stopped and looked at her, as if surprised that she hadn’t already figured it out. “Walk in circles with me.”

Shego resumed circling Kim, but this time, the younger girl moved in a circle across from her, rather than turning in place. Once again, she started to get bored of the circling, and that was when Shego moved again. This time, Kim caught it. Shego was going to block her next step to throw her off balance. That was how she’d done it the whole time — she’d predicted where Kim would step, and she’d been right each time. When Kim was off balance, she’d done something — grabbed her shoulders, pushed her, something — and landed on top before she had a chance to figure out what was happening. _Not this time._

Shego slid forward, and Kim could see it — she was going to push her foot back in the other direction, spring up behind her, and knock her down. So instead of doing what Shego expected, she pivoted to the side and put one hand on Shego’s back to push her towards the ground. The older woman somersaulted back onto her feet and turned to face Kim, smiling. Not smirking, genuinely smiling. Without warning, she rushed at her again, trying the same attack, and Kim countered the same way. They resumed circling each other. Once again, Shego moved first, but in a different direction. Kim caught it a moment too late and ended up on her back on the ground. The next time, she saw what Shego was doing, and at least managed to land on her feet after she was knocked down. The third time, she deflected it, and Shego was the one on the ground this time.

They continued like that, coming up with different attacks and counters. Each one only worked a few times before one of them had to change tactics. Kim had never fought like this before. These attacks were over within seconds, and she had to be on high alert at all times to see what Shego was doing. It required much more thinking than action, and it wasn’t something she was used to; with most opponents, she could fight almost reflexively, and she’d never put this much thought into every movement, not even when she fought Shego.

Kim didn’t ask to stop until her arms were starting to shake from the effort of the fight. Shego crossed her arms and smirked at her. “Sure Princess, we can take a break if you can’t keep up.”

Despite her words, Kim knew Shego was exhausted too. The older woman walked back to the hovercraft, and Kim was worried that she might be leaving. Instead, she returned a moment later, and threw something in Kim’s direction. Kim caught it reflexively before even seeing what it was. _A water bottle._ She opened it and drank gratefully.

“How did you keep knocking me down at the beginning?”

Shego shrugged and sat next to Kim. “You weren’t moving, so stopped paying attention. You caught on once you started moving with me.”

“If that had been a real fight—”

“If it had been a real fight, you wouldn’t have waited for me to attack like that.”

Kim nodded. She remembered what Shego had said before their earlier fight. _I’m much better than you think I am._ She started laughing.

“Princess, I know I knocked you down a couple times, but I don’t think you hit your head _that_ hard.”

“It’s just— I can’t remember the last time I did something that actually felt like training.”

“Neither can I, Kimmie.”

“Why did you do it?”

“I wanted to see if I could knock you down. But after that it was fun.” Kim was surprised that Shego was answering her questions so honestly; she was used to sarcastic replies and mocking comments. But something had changed while they were fighting. They were always aware of each other’s attacks, but this time…they’d been analyzing each other so closely, and trying to understand what the other was thinking. Even now that they weren’t fighting, she still saw Shego a little differently.

“It was fun for me too.” The other woman didn’t reply, so Kim added. “I should go home and take a shower.”

Shego stood with her. “Yeah, you don’t exactly smell great right now.”

“Neither do you.”

“We weren’t talking about me, Princess.”

Kim rolled her eyes and got in the hovercraft without asking, but Shego didn’t protest. When they got to her apartment, the older woman asked, “Will you be able to fight by Friday? I don’t like going easy on you.”

She rolled her eyes again. “You won’t have to.”

Kim made her way to the bathroom. Every part of her body was sore, and it was a relief to let the hot water relax some of her muscles. It felt like something had changed between her and Shego. They weren’t exactly friends but…she’d never fought like that before, and it had felt almost intimate to spend that much time analyzing each other. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d learned so much in a fight. _Or the last time it hurt so much_. Despite the pain, the fight had been amazing, and she found that she was looking forward to seeing Shego again on Friday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took way longer than I was expecting, the next one definitely won't take as long. Thanks for reading :)


	15. 122 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said this chapter would be up soon? Sorry about that...

Kim was excited to fight Shego on Friday afternoon. She wasn’t sure if it would be a normal fight or something closer to the training they’d done on Wednesday, but she’d been looking forward to it for the past two days.

“Ready to fight, Cupcake?”

Shego definitely sounded like she was in a good mood too. _This will be fun._ The other woman slipped into a fighting stance, and Kim attacked first. Shego moved back to avoid her, then countered with an attack of her own. Even though they’d barely started, Kim found herself smiling again. They’d always been able to predict each other’s moves, but now, it felt like she was perfectly aware of everything Shego did. On Wednesday, they’d been paying such close attention to each other, and even though it wasn’t intentional anymore, that increased awareness was still there.

Kim started to throw in more complicated moves, things that didn’t fit well in their normal fights. Shego matched her blow for blow, also pulling out moves that Kim had never seen before. Occasionally, Kim did tricks that could’ve come straight out of a cheerleading routine, performing jumps and flips to get away from her. They were more for show than anything else, but the smile didn’t leave her face, and every time she looked, Shego was smiling too. They were still fighting, but they were also showing off for each other, trying to pull out the newest, best moves. It almost like a game.

In the end, Shego landed on top of her, and rolled off quickly. This time, she didn’t even start to walk away — they both assumed they would stay and talk again. “So…is Drakken planning anything new?”

As she’d expected, the question made Shego roll her eyes. “We’re not talking about work right now.” Kim had never thought of her missions as _work_ , and she had to remind herself that, for Shego, it really was a job.

“Why not? We _are_ fighting. It’s almost the same as work.” She was careful to keep her tone light, teasing — she wanted it to be clear that she was joking.

“If we’re working, then I’ll start using my plasma.”

“If you’re using your plasma, I’m wearing my battle suit.” It actually wasn’t a bad idea; it would make their fights more realistic, and add a different type of challenge. But it would ruin most of the fun. She loved having the freedom to just fight, and adding plasma and a battle suit would make it a little too intense — it wouldn’t just be about the fighting anymore.

It seemed like Shego shared the sentiment, because she replied, “Let’s stick to fighting. Besides, it’s not like I need the plasma to beat you.” It was clearly meant to be bait, and Kim really, really wanted to wipe the smirk off Shego’s face, so she took it without hesitating.

When they ended up on the ground again, it seemed that neither of them had anything to say, but it was also clear that they didn’t want to leave. Eventually Shego said, “You didn’t tell me what you’re doing in the lab.”

Kim nodded and started talking about it, and it seemed like Shego was actually paying attention to what she was saying. At the very least, she was pretending to listen; Kim was sure she got a lot of practice from spending so much time around Drakken. That actually raised an interesting question… “Why do you work for Drakken?”

Shego raised an eyebrow. “Do you have a better offer, Princess?”

Kim shook her head. “It just seems like he annoys you a lot, and you could make a lot more money on your own.”

“I’m lazy,” Shego replied in a bored tone.

“But you could make more money and do less work.”

“If I worked for someone else, I wouldn’t get to beat you.”

Kim ignoring the comment about _beating_ her; it sounded like a lie anyway. “You’re fighting me outside of work.”

“It’s fun to annoy him.”

Kim sighed. It was clear that, whatever the reason that Shego stuck with Drakken, she wasn’t going to get it out of her. But she could still tease her about it. “After the Lorwardian invasion, his flower seemed to think there was something going on with the two of you.”

“Princess, the flower just knew he needed to get laid, and I was the closest woman.”

“Ew.”

“You’re telling me?”

“Does he know that you’re um…”

“You can say the word _gay_ , Kimmie, it’s not a bad word. And you’re the one dating a girl right now.” Kim’s face flushed. “Besides, I’ve heard you say a lot worse.”

“Okay. Does he know you’re gay?”

“Yep, he’s known since day one. Perks of working with a blue-skinned college dropout, he doesn’t get to judge shit.”

“Is that why you’re working with him?” After years of being constantly judged by the media, Kim wouldn't be surprised.

“Kimmie, you’re not getting an answer, just drop it.” The words were accompanied by Shego’s typical scowl, but there was something more serious in her tone that stopped Kim from asking again. “So why aren’t you working for GJ?”

“You get to ask about work but I don’t?”

“Yep.”

“That doesn’t seem very fair.”

“I’m evil, Princess. I don’t do _fair._ ”

Kim could have argued that Shego wasn’t acting very evil right now, but that probably would’ve led to more fighting, and she would rather keep talking. “They tried to recruit me, and I said no.”

Shego raised an eyebrow. “There’s more to it than that, so cut the crap and share.”

“I don’t think it’s _crap_ if it’s true.” Still, she continued, “They wanted to recruit me right out of high school. They said I didn’t even need to go to college. They usually require a degree, but with my experience…they said that if the military can recruit out of high school, why can’t they do it too.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“No wonder you turned them down.”

“I probably wouldn’t have done it anyway. I wanted to go to college. You know, get to be _normal_ for once.”

“You’ll never be normal Kimmie.” There was that seriousness again, and this time it made Kim a little uncomfortable, so she pretended that she hadn’t heard it.

“College was the first time I didn’t have to be perfect. I wasn’t expected to be the best person in the room, or the smartest. I was allowed to be just _okay_ if I wanted to.” Kim had never shared this with anyone, but Shego already knew about the pressure she’d faced; she’d lived through it too. “Besides, I don’t think I want to be a GJ agent, or a doctor, or an aerospace engineer. I wasn’t that great at math or bio in high school anyway, I had to work really hard to get good grades.”

“And you needed the good grades.”

“Yeah.” _And they weren’t perfect anyway._

“Can’t disappoint the media, right?”

Kim shrugged. “They pretty much left me alone once I graduated.”

“Yeah, well a high school kid fighting crime is interesting. Someone in their twenties, that’s not a great story anymore.” Kim nodded. She realized that she’d just shared a lot of information with Shego, but the older woman hadn’t told her anything. She thought about pushing her, but decided against it. It was hard to get any information out of Shego, and Kim knew that she wouldn’t share unless she wanted to. For now, it was just nice to have someone who was willing listen, someone who understood.

Shego checked the time, then stood up and offered a hand to Kim. Kim took it wordlessly and followed her back to the hovercraft.

–oOo–

Kim arrived at the lab at 8:53 on Monday morning, and though she knew she had nothing to worry about, she couldn’t help feeling a little anxious. Even though she was majoring in physics, she’d become more and more interested in chemistry over the past year, and she’d already taken more than enough classes for her chem minor. Unfortunately, she didn’t have time to do a full double major, but she hoped that this research would make it easier for her to get a job that was more chem-related after she graduated. _Or make it easier to get into a chem master’s program._ She pushed that thought aside. Regardless of the future, she wanted to learn as much as she could this summer.

The PhD student in charge of the lab had asked her to meet him at 9, and at 9:02, he walked out of his office. “Kim? Nice to meet you, I’m Andy.” He grabbed her hand and shook it, vigorously but quickly. “Come on, I’ll show you around the lab.”

He walked around, pointing out the locations of various items and safety equipment, drawing special attention to the items that were unfamiliar to her. Eventually, he led her to a table outside the lab and gestured for her to sit. “I’ll send you an email with the lab safety trainings and the information you need to get set up on payroll. There’s also some training on the specialized equipment we use. When you’ve finished the training, I can show you how to use the equipment. Do you have any experience with MatLab or Python?” Kim shook her head; though she recognized the names of the two programming languages, she’d never used either before. “Okay, I’ll also send you some tutorials to get you up to speed on that, we use those to analyze most of our data. Any questions?”

“No, thank you.”

“Great, I’ll be in my office if you need me.” He walked away, whistling a tune that Kim didn’t recognize.

She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting from Andy; maybe someone calm, collected, and interested in his work. The last one definitely applied, but he didn’t meet her other expectations. He talked and moved quickly, like his brain was already twenty steps ahead. While she waited for his email, she looked up more information about him. He was in the last year of his PhD, and based on the papers he was listed on, he was very, very smart.

She was surprised when she realized a half hour had passed and she hadn’t gotten an email. Then again, he had a lot of resources to send her; she assumed she would get it soon. After an hour, she decided it had been long enough, and she went to his office. The door was open, so she knocked on the doorframe. “Hi, Kim, come in. What is it?”

“Um, have you gotten a chance to email me about the trainings?”

“Oh, right, sorry about that!” She watched as he opened an email draft, copied the text into a new email, and hit send. _That’s smart._ “All done, you should have it now.”

“Thanks.” She returned to her computer and looked at the email; there was a long list of trainings and papers, as she’d expected. She clicked the link for the first video; the sooner she finished this, the sooner she could start doing real work.

–oOo–

When Kim got back to her apartment, she opened her laptop and got ready for a video call with Grace. She was happy to see the other girl’s smiling face. “How was your first day?”

“There was a lot of training.”

Grace laughed. “When I started doing research, I think I spent the first three days learning about IRBs.”

“I don’t even know if I’ll be in the lab by the end of the week. There’s so much that I need to get caught up on.”

“But once you do, it will be great.”

She smiled at Grace’s optimism. “I know. How’s your family?”

“They’re good! My sister is leaving on Wednesday, so I’ve been helping her pack. She wants us to have a girls’ day out tomorrow.”

“What does that mean?”

“We’re getting our nails done, going out for lunch, and probably going shopping.”

They continued to talk for a few more minutes — about the lab, Grace’s family, and anything else that came to mind. After about half an hour, Kim heard someone yelling in the background. “Sorry, I have to go, it’s time for dinner.”

Kim felt a sudden pang of longing for her own family dinners, but she smiled. “I’ll talk to you later.” She got up to make dinner for herself, then decided it was too much work and ordered pepperoni pizza. Her parents and brothers hated pepperoni pizza, but Grace loved it too. While she was glad that the other girl could spend time with her family, she selfishly wanted her to come back soon. It had been a long time since she’d cared about someone so much that she missed them after only a few days, and it surprised her. _Do I love her?_ She thought about that question while she ate her pepperoni pizza, alone in her apartment.

–oOo–

On Tuesday and Wednesday, Kim continued doing training during the day. She hadn’t set foot in the lab since the initial tour, but she was going to finish learning about the specialized equipment on Thursday, which meant that she could probably start using it on Friday. That knowledge put her in a good mood when she met Shego on Wednesday night. They’d fought the night before as well, and it had been just as fun as the last few fights. This time, Kim wasn’t sure if she was more excited for the fight, or for the conversation that would follow. Shego really understood her, in a way most people couldn’t. Between Shego’s time as a hero, the seven years they’d spent fighting each other, and the events of the past semester, the older woman was starting to feel more like a friend than an enemy.

It almost reminded Kim of when Shego had become Miss Go. Of course, she didn’t expect Shego to go shopping with her or go to an art museum — unless she was stealing the art — but the easy dialogue was the same. Shego’s sarcasm was more biting, and the jokes were harsher than they’d been with Miss Go, but they were still there. Despite her harsh persona, it seemed like Shego was actually willing to be nice to her.

The fight on Wednesday, like the one on Tuesday, had been normal, relaxing, and fun. She hadn’t needed to focus or think of fancy moves, it was just action and reaction. Afterwards, they sat in comfortable silence. Kim thought about the fact that Shego knew so much about her, but she knew so little about the other woman. _Maybe there's a way to fix that._ “Want to play twenty questions?”

Shego stared at her incredulously, like she couldn’t quite believe what Kim had said. After a few seconds, she shrugged. “Sure. What’s your favorite color?”

“Purple. What’s yours?” Before Shego could answer, Kim corrected herself, “It’s green, isn’t it?”

“No shit. You have a better question?”

“Cats or dogs?”

“Cats. Dogs eat socks and shit on the carpet. At least cats can use a litter box. What about you?”

“I’m pretty bad with pets. I managed to kill a goldfish.” Shego looked at her expectantly. Apparently that wasn’t a good enough answer. “It’s probably harder to accidentally kill a cat...so I guess cats. How old are you?” Despite their years of fighting, Kim had no idea how old Shego was, and it was something she'd wondered about for years.

“Seriously Princess?”

“Um…yeah.”

“Twenty seven.”

“So you were twenty when we first met?”

“Yeah.” _She was still in college when we started fighting._ “How’d you learn to cook? I thought you used to burn down kitchens.”

“Ron. He spent the whole summer after graduation trying to teach me. I melted a few pans, blew up some stuff.” Shego laughed and Kim glared at her. “It took a long time, and I can only cook a few things. But I actually learned how to bake, which is more fun anyway.” Kim pushed down the memories of Ron patiently cleaning up the food and helping her make new meals, over and over, and celebrating with her something came out right. She concentrated on the grass under her hands and the sound of Shego’s voice mocking her.

“You melted some pans?”

“Like I said, it took the whole summer.” Kim decided that she liked this game; it made it very easy to change the topic. “Why do you still wear your Team Go uniform?”

“To piss off Hego. Everyone outside of Go City associates this look with me, not him. Besides, green and black look good on me.” She posed in a way that made Kim turn away, her face red. “Personally, I think I look good in any color, don’t you?” For an alarming moment, she thought Shego was going to insist on her answering that, but instead she asked, “Did anything happen between you and that bitch on the cheer team?”

“Who?”

“Wasn’t there some girl who gave you shit all the time? My memories of Miss Go are a little fuzzy, but I’m pretty sure that was real.”

“Yeah, Bonnie. What do you mean _did anything happen?_ ”

Shego rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Did you fuck?” The question surprised her; Shego knew she'd been the first person that Kim had sex with, and that didn't seem like something she would forget.

“No, we hated each other.”

“So? That can make it better.”

“I guess you’d know.” The slightly sexual banter made her a little uncomfortable, but she wasn’t going to let Shego know.

“Of course. I’m not missing out on great sex because I hate someone. I mean, I fucked you and you hated me. But you had a great time anyway. An _incredible_ time, if I remember correctly.”

Shego sounded extremely smug, and Kim knew her face was red again. _I wish I hadn’t used that word._ She usually tried to avoid thinking about the fact that she’d had sex with Shego, but she couldn’t deny that it had been amazing. She mumbled, “I didn’t hate you.”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Princess.”

“Can we _please_ stop talking about it?” Shego had definitely done that to get under her skin, and Kim needed a good question to get back at her. “Why do you work for Drakken?” _That should do it._

“My question. Do you want to be burned alive? No? Then drop the damn subject.”

Kim jumped to her feet. “We should fight. If we’re trying to attack each other, we should do it for real.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Princess, I wasn’t attacking you,” Shego said with obviously fake sincerity. She stood up and rushed at Kim. “ _Now_ I’m attacking you.” In the back of her head, Kim counted the questions. They’d only made it through four before they started fighting. She wasn’t sure if she’d been expecting them to get through more or less.

“Who’s your favorite sibling?”

Shego didn’t even flinch when Kim asked the question, just ducked under her arm and tried to knock her down. “The twins. They started out as one person, so they’re one sibling.”

“What do you mean?”

“He was pretty young when the comet hit, and when we went to pick him up, there was two of him. We can’t figure out who was there first, and they were too young to remember. They’re pretty much one person anyway.”

Kim nodded. “My brothers are like that too. But there’s only two of them, not thirty.”

They kept going, exchanging blows and questions, until they’d almost finished all twenty questions. When they got to the last question, Shego stopped fighting, and grabbed Kim’s arms to keep her from attacking. Kim saw the seriousness in her face, and didn’t try to pull away. “Do you hate me?”

Kim was suddenly taken out of their fight. She was standing on a roof in the rain, with red and yellow robots falling onto the buildings. Ron was screaming at Drakken, and she’d just watched Eric, her kind-of-boyfriend, melt into a puddle of syntho-goo. She remembered it all so clearly, the moment when Shego had crawled over the edge of the roof and walked towards her. Her scream as she was flying through the air. She looked at the current Shego, the one who was in front of her, less than a foot away. Kim knew she'd said it before, when she was sick, and again today when they were talking about sex, but she'd never said it this honestly. “No. I don’t hate you.” Shego let her go and took a few steps back. “Can I ask one more question?” Shego nodded for her to continue, even though Kim had already asked twenty questions. “Did you know what Drakken was planning?”

“No. I don’t fuck with people like that Princess. If I need to hurt someone, I can just punch them. I don’t screw with feelings and mind control and shit. And even if I did…I wouldn’t hurt you like that. I don’t want you to get hurt at all.” The sincerity in Shego’s voice scared her, more than a little. Those last two questions had clearly messed with both of them, and Kim had no doubt that Shego was being 100% honest right now.

Kim finally broke the eye contact and looked at the ground. “Hey Kimmie? I have one more question.” Shego’s voice, though subdued, wasn’t dangerously serious anymore. Still, Kim didn’t want to hear anything, but she couldn’t argue; she’d also asked twenty one questions. “Can we forget the last five minutes ever happened?”

Kim looked up and gave Shego a half smile. “I think that means you’ve only asked nineteen questions.”

Shego looked like she was thinking it over, but Kim wasn’t worried about what she would ask; they both knew those questions had crossed some sort of boundary, and neither of them wanted to do it again. “Are you free on Friday night?”

Kim actually laughed; it was a complete waste of a question, but she was glad Shego hadn’t tried to get any more information out of her. “Yeah.” She got in the hovercraft and Shego brought her back to her apartment.

Even though they’d agreed to never bring it up, Kim couldn’t help wondering about some of the things Shego had said. Why did she care so much about Kim hating her? And why didn’t she want Kim to get hurt? Kim tried to put herself in Shego’s shoes. She didn’t want the other woman to get hurt, not with the way things were now, and she would also never mess with someone’s head like that. (She pointedly ignored any thoughts of mind control collars.) But if Shego had said she hated her and kicked her off a roof…she wouldn’t want the other woman to hate her anymore, but she wasn’t sure if she would care as much as Shego did. But just thinking about that brought up a mess of feelings that she didn’t want to deal with. As she walked into the shower, she resolved to block out the conversation with Shego; they’d agreed to forget about it, and she was more than happy to do that.

–oOo–

Kim spent most of the day on Thursday looking at some of the more complicated equipment in the lab. As far as she could tell, it was all fairly standard, but it wasn’t usually accessible to students. _Probably because it’s expensive._ When she told Andy she’d finished with those trainings, he immediately agreed to show her how it all worked on Friday morning. For the rest of the day, she started looking at MatLab. As far as she knew, everyone hated it, and as she read the documentation, she could see why. After staring at it for a couple hours, she gave up and decided to look at Python in the morning.

She called Grace as soon as she got back to her apartment. “Have you started working in the lab yet?”

“Andy said he’ll show me some of the equipment tomorrow, but I still have a lot to catch up on. I need to learn about MatLab and Python.”

“Have you done any programming before?” Kim shook her head. “Python is pretty easy, but MatLab is annoying.” Kim sometimes forgot that Grace was also a math major; it made sense that she knew at least a little about programming languages.

“I started looking at MatLab today. It seems pretty hard.”

“It is, but I’m sure you can pick it up. You’re smart.”

Kim blushed a little. “Thanks. How are you? Your sister left yesterday, right?”

“Yeah, we drove her to camp. She’s really excited.”

“But you’ll miss her.”

“Yeah. But once I’m back at school, it doesn’t really matter if she’s at home or at camp. I'll just have to write letters instead of calling her.”

“Why can’t you call her?”

“She can’t have a phone at camp. There’s a lot of stationary with checkboxes and stuff so campers can write letters quickly. Sometimes, it’s the only way parents can get their kids to write anything.”

Kim was surprised by that; she’d only ever gone to cheer camp, and her brothers had gone to science and math camps, so they’d always had phones. Then again, Ron hadn’t had a phone at camp, so maybe it shouldn’t be that surprising. “Are you going to write to her?”

“Yeah. She gets really excited when she gets letters. I did too.” Kim made a mental note that she should write a letter for Grace at some point. Maybe for their half-iversary… “Are you doing anything tonight?”

“I don’t think so. I’ve been sparring a lot, but we’re taking tonight off.” After the last fight, she really didn’t want to talk to Grace about Shego. “You’re getting back next Thursday, right?”

“I am. Do you think you can make it another week without me?” Grace teased.

“I guess I have to.”

Grace looked over her shoulder. “I have to go. I’ll see you in a week, okay?”

“Yeah, see you then.” Kim ended the call and got up to make dinner. She was glad that she was spending so much time sparring and working, but she really missed Grace. She wanted to cook dinner with her, or watch the sunset, or fall asleep next to her, completely naked. _One more week._

–oOo–

On Friday, Kim spent the morning in the lab, trying out some of the equipment, and in the afternoon she’d managed to write a simple program in Python. Overall, she thought her first week had gone well, and she was excited about the rest of the summer. Despite the uncomfortable ending of their last conversation, Kim wanted to tell Shego about everything she was working on.

However, after their fight, Shego asked, “Have you fought anyone interesting lately?”

That was new. Even though this wasn’t technically _work talk_ , they’d never discussed Kim’s missions. The missions were a reminder that, outside of this clearing, they were still enemies; this peace could never be anything but temporary.

“Do you count as interesting?” Kim thought her comment was funny, but Shego scowled. “I saw Motor Ed a few days ago. I thought he was still in jail.”

“Nah, Drakken got him out. They had a family reunion and his mother was nagging him about _Eddie._ ”

“You mean _you_ got him out?”

Shego smirked. “What can I say, Princess? I’m evil. I’d never break him out myself, but Drakken wouldn’t shut up about it.”

“Do you have something against Motor Ed?”

“Uh, _yeah._ The asshole calls me _green babe_ and freaks the fuck out when I blast him with plasma. And not the right kind of freaked out. I think he gets off on it.”

Kim made a face. “ _Ew_. I really didn’t need to think about Motor Ed like that.”

“Sorry, did I make you uncomfortable, _Red?_ ” Kim shoved Shego, and in retaliation, the other woman pushed her onto her back and straddled her, bringing one glowing hand close to her face. Despite her position and the burning heat of the plasma, Kim wasn’t afraid. “See, Princess, he would get off on this.” She leaned down, bringing her face closer to Kim’s and lowering her voice. “It’s a good thing you don’t, right?”

Kim knew her face was red, and she hoped Shego attributed it to the heat. She didn’t want to admit it, but having Shego on top of her like this, the way she was acting…even though she was dating Grace, she couldn’t deny that it was kind of hot.

Still, that didn’t mean she had to acknowledge it. She put one hand on Shego’s shoulder and the other on her hip to keep her in place, and before the other woman knew what was happening, Kim had flipped them over so she was on top. “It’s a good thing you don’t get off on _this_ , right?” She wasn’t sure where the sudden boldness came from, but the expression on Shego’s face was worth it. She rolled off the other woman, laughing hysterically. Shego stood up and pulled Kim to her feet, and they went back to fighting.

Kim stopped suddenly when she heard the whirring of engines and saw a pair of headlights approaching them. They both turned to face the car, but Kim was perfectly aware of where Shego was standing. A small part of her mind wondered if this was a trap, if Shego had brought her here to be captured. But the other woman seemed just as surprised as she did. And either way, that really wasn’t Shego’s style.

A man in a suit stepped out of the car. “Ladies, I’m sorry to spoil your evening, but I’m afraid your little fight is being shut down for the night. You see, we’re here to bring in Miss Possible. So Shego, I’m going to need you to step out of the way so I can do that.”

“Why the hell should I do that?”

The man didn’t seem fazed by the fact that Kim was hanging out with her enemy, or that said enemy was protecting her. “We can make it worth your while.” He snapped his fingers and someone from inside the car handed him a small piece of paper. “Come, look at this check, see if it’s sufficient for you to leave us alone with Miss Possible. If not, I’m sure we can provide a larger incentive.”

Kim felt something twist in her stomach as Shego stepped forward. While the man was distracted, Kim sprinted towards him and punched him in the face, probably breaking his nose. He staggered back, blood covering his face, and the car suddenly shot forward, almost hitting Kim. By luck, she managed to grab the top of the car and swing her body in through the window, knocking out the two people in the front as her feet slammed into their heads. She heard an unfamiliar click from the backseat. She suddenly realized what it was, and she ducked out of the way just before the bullet hit her. If she hadn’t moved, it would have gone straight through her head. _They have guns. They’re trying to shoot me._ Despite all the supervillains she’d fought, she’d never been this scared before. Guns seemed real and terrifying, in a way that doom rays or tanks of piranhas didn’t. A second bullet missed her by an inch and cracked the windshield. _Think fast, I need to get out of here._ She had an idea, a stupid idea that she probably wouldn’t consider otherwise, but she couldn’t think of any other options.

She forced herself into the driver’s seat, trying to use the unconscious driver as a shield. She hated it, knowing he would probably get shot because of her, but she didn’t have a choice. The car was still going forward, accelerated by the pressure of his foot on the gas pedal. Kim yanked the steering wheel to the left, aiming the car on a tree, and slammed her foot onto the gas pedal. At the last possible second, she opened the door and threw herself out, running for cover before the shooter could recover. With a shock, she realized the entire thing had taken at most two minutes. As she was leaving, she turned back for just a moment. Shego was standing halfway between her and the man with the bloody face, and she looked stunned. She was still holding the check. Kim felt sick, and her eyes were burning. She turned away from Shego and ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of Kigo in the last few chapters, I hope this helped make up for it. I promise much more coming in the next few chapters. I've already written 3500 words of the next chapter (which is why this one took so long), so hopefully that one will *actually* be up in a couple days


	16. 129 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said I wasn't going to say what endgame was...and then added an endgame tag. I re-read a bunch of stuff and realized how much time she spends being happy with Grace, so I guess I kinda needed to say that she ends up with Shego

After Friday, Kim hadn’t expected to see Shego for a long time and hadn’t wanted to. So when the other woman appeared in her apartment on Saturday, Kim immediately hit her. “Get the hell out.” She was crying but she didn’t care. She hit Shego a second time. The third time, the older woman caught her hand before the blow landed.

“Princess, listen to me—”

Kim pulled her arm away. “No. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. They were trying to kill me and you were just standing there with that check in your hand, getting paid off to let them do it. So get out of my apartment and get out of my life.” She was shaking, from anger and stress and lack of sleep. She’d been too tense to sleep since the attack; someone wanted her dead so badly that they’d tracked her down and brought guns to finish the job quickly.

“I wasn’t going to take the money!”

That made Kim hesitate, at least for a moment. “You were standing there with the fucking check in your fucking hand.” She didn’t usually curse like that, but she felt like she was going to collapse from exhaustion, and she really just needed Shego to leave so she could cry in peace.

“Dammit Kim, why is it so hard for you to believe I might want to protect you?”

“Well let’s see…” Kim pretended to think it over for a few seconds. “Maybe because you’re my _enemy_ and your job is to try to _kill_ me. And because you stood there last night and watched other people try to kill me and did nothing, because they wrote a _check_. All it took was one piece of paper and _protecting me_ wasn’t important anymore.”

“Kim, I thought you had it under control. You took out three people in the first thirty seconds. If I’d known it was going to be that bad, I would’ve helped. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Shego sounded so sincere, and it hurt so much. Because Kim knew none of it was true. “I just…I just want to keep you safe, okay?”

Kim reached into her pocket and pulled out the phone that Shego had given her. She threw it at the other woman, hard. Shego caught it, and Kim ignored the hurt on her face. She didn’t care. She remembered talking to Shego only a few nights ago, how honest she’d sounded when she’d said _I don’t want you to get hurt at all._ It had been a lie. “Leave me alone. I _hate_ you.”

Shego stared at her for a long time. Just as Kim was about to force her out, she walked backwards towards the window. “I promise I won’t let anyone hurt you Kimmie.” Then she was gone.

Kim curled up under her blankets again and buried her face in her pillow. She couldn’t tell Grace about this; it was too dangerous to bring in someone she cared about. She couldn’t talk to Jess or Alex or her family. She couldn’t even ask Wade to help her, because then he would know that she’d been with Shego. She was alone and there was someone who wanted to _kill her._ Someone who’d found her in the middle of nowhere late at night. Someone who could probably find her now. She suddenly remembered all the other awful things that had happened over the past few months. Ron, her family, the boy who attacked her, everything. Every time, she’d gone to Shego for help, and she’d felt so safe in the other woman’s arms. Some part of her wanted to be there now, but she knew wouldn’t be able to find protection there either. She’d trusted Shego so much in the past, had relied on her so many times, and now…Shego hadn’t cared. She’d just stood there and watched them _shoot_ at Kim. She remembered the first bullet, so close that she could practically feel it moving through the air. She’d been inches away from dying, and Shego had just watched.

Eventually she drifted off to sleep, but she woke over and over, certain that someone was in her room with a gun pointed at her head. Sometimes Shego was standing there, laughing. Once, Shego was the one holding the gun. Each time, she was shaking and sweaty and her heart was pounding. After a few minutes, she always fell asleep out of pure exhaustion, but it never lasted long. _They’re going to find me, and they’re going to kill me, and I won’t be able to stop them._

–oOo–

On Sunday night, Kim emailed Andy, telling him that she was sick and wouldn’t be able to make it into the lab on Monday, and probably also Tuesday. It felt like a shitty thing to do when she’d only been there for a week, but it was necessary. She was barely sleeping, and she would be worse than useless if she went in. She needed to catch up on sleep, and she could figure out the rest of the week later.

She tried to relax a little on Monday, but she ended up pacing around her apartment nervously, repeatedly checking that the door and windows were locked. In between checks, she curled up on her couch and watched Disney movies like she was a kid again. Like she was just a child, and not a college student who was supposed to save the world. Not someone who was actively being hunted. It was almost nighttime when she got a call from Wade. “It’s Drakken and Shego. Drakken built a ray that…” He kept talking, but Kim tuned out the rest. She didn’t care about Drakken’s ray, she just cared about Shego. “Kim?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you been listening to a word I’m saying?”

“Sorry Wade, I’m a little tired today.”

He tried to keep his tone neutral, but he was clearly annoyed. “It’s an immobilization ray. It only lasts fifteen minutes, but if you get hit with it, he’ll be able to capture you no problem. Got it?” Kim nodded. “Your ride should be there in a few minutes.” Kim nodded again, too tired to form a reply.

–oOo–

Shego wasn’t sure how, but she’d completely forgotten that Kim was going to show up. She hadn’t been able to think about anything or anyone else for the last two days. Anything besides the pain in Kim’s voice when she said she hated her, when she threw the phone at her. Shego hadn’t known anything could hurt that much. And still, as much as she was focused on Kim, she’d somehow forgotten that she would have to fight her until she was doing it.

Kim had never fought like this before. She was angry and reckless, and threw her full weight into every blow. It was definitely a dangerous fighting style, and it left her open to counterattacks, but Shego was too busy avoiding her blows to exploit the openings. She could tell that this wasn’t about enjoying the fight or stopping Drakken; it was about hurting her. They were both so focused on the fight that Shego didn’t even notice the flash of the immobilization ray until it hit Kim. Several henchmen — who had been nearby, but had known better than to join the fight — immediately grabbed her arms and legs and secured her to the wall.

Shego watched helplessly for a few seconds, then looked away before it became obvious that she was staring. Drakken called her over and asked her to monitor some readings on a dashboard — something about the charge on the machine or the temperature or something. She focused on the numbers as Drakken started to rant about his plan to take over the world by using his ray on several high-ranking officials. It actually wasn’t a bad plan, except for the fact that the ray was as large as a room — it only looked small in comparison to the large lair. Having already heard the speech at least three times, Shego tried to ignore it until he started talking about Kim. “You see, using the ray on you was just a test run. I wanted to make sure that it would last long enough to kidnap someone, and you were the perfect test. Now I’ve subdued my long-time arch-foe, and there’s no one left to protect you.” He grinned triumphantly, puffing out his chest in a juvenile display of pride.

 _There’s no one left to protect you._ Shego didn’t look away from the machine she was monitoring, but she could feel Kim staring at her. Could almost hear the accusation of _You said you’d protect me._ Kim was right. She had, and she wanted to. She finally turned to look at Kim, and she was stunned by the intensity in her eyes. Dr. D was still walking around, ranting about his plan, but it felt like there was no one in the room besides her and Kim. Shego replayed their last conversation. _I promise I won’t let anyone hurt you._ She knew Kim was thinking about it too. _Fuck._

She didn’t even realize Drakken had stopped talking until he yelled “Shego!”

“What do you need?”

“Well you see, I ordered dinner and it’s ready to be picked up, so—” A ball of plasma landed less than a foot away from him.

“Lemme make this clear for you. I’m your evil sidekick. I steal things for you. I beat people up. I do not run your fucking errands. If you want your fucking dinner, you can make a henchman get it or you can do it yourself.”

“The henchmen all left on their dinner break already.”

“Then I guess you should go pick up your food.”

“But Shego, I–” Another ball of plasma landed near his feet, and he quickly amended his sentence. “–was just about to leave to get my dinner.” He ran out of the room, leaving Shego alone with Kim.

“Shego—”

“I know, Princess.”

“So? Are you going to protect me?”

Shego focused on a random point on the wall instead of looking at Kim, but it didn’t help. She already knew what she was going to do. “I could probably lose my job for this.” She pressed the button that disabled the restraints, and helped Kim stand when she fell to the floor. She leaned back against the wall and held Kim while she cried.

“They had guns. They were trying to shoot me.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” When Kim finally looked up at Shego, the intensity hadn’t faded from her eyes, and their faces were only a few inches apart. Suddenly aware of their proximity, she released Kim and shifted away, but the other girl immediately put a hand on her arm to steady herself. “When was the last time you slept?”

“Last night, barely.” Her voice was a whisper as she added, “I had nightmares again.”

Shego’s voice was gentle as she said, “Let’s go to my room and you can sleep. No one can hurt you here.” Kim nodded, exhausted. “Princess, I promise we’re going to find out who that was and they will _never_ hurt you again.” Kim just nodded again.

She led Kim to her bed and tried to return to the main lair, but Kim wouldn’t let go of her arm. “I need to wait out there til Drakken gets back, and then I’ll come back here, okay?” Shego’s voice was still so gentle, and Kim nodded and let her go. “Do you have to work tomorrow?”

Kim shook her head. “I told them I was sick.”

“Okay, then stay here and rest.” Shego left, and, after getting yelled at for letting Kim escape, she returned to find the younger girl sitting up, hugging a pillow to her chest. She was shaking, and when she turned to look at Shego, her eyes were red. Shego put a hand on her shoulder. “Kim, you’re safe here. I promise they can’t get to you.” Kim nodded but, rather than laying back down, she grabbed Shego’s arm.

“Stay with me? Please?”

Shego knew she should say no. She shouldn’t lay in her bed with Kim and hold her while she slept, not when she already cared about her so much. But she looked at the pain on Kim’s face. The bags under her eyes, the tear tracks on her cheeks, the pure _fear_ that she was showing, and she couldn’t say no. _This isn’t about me._ She crawled under the blanket, and Kim buried her face in her shoulder and sobbed. “I was so scared. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared before.” Shego just held her and let her cry. She’d seen Kim break down before — because of Ron, because of her family, because she was attacked, because she’d hurt herself — but it had never hurt this much. Because Shego knew that, if she’d acted differently, she might have been able to stop it. So she held Kim as she cried for what felt like hours before finally giving in to her exhaustion. Still, Shego laid there awake, holding her. When Kim woke from nightmares, Shego reminded her of where she was, that she was safe. Each time, Kim relaxed back into sleep. Only when Kim hadn’t woken in over an hour, did Shego finally allow herself to sleep, relieved that this part of the night was over. She could barely stand to lay there and watch someone she cared about in so much pain, especially when there was nothing she could do to fix it. It was, without a doubt, one of the worst nights of her life.

–oOo–

When Kim woke, she was momentarily panicked, unsure of where she was. Then she recognized Shego, then the room they were in, and she sighed in relief. She was with Shego. She was safe.

She was surprised at how easily she associated Shego with safety, when she’d been so angry with her yesterday. She’d thought Shego hadn’t cared when they tried to kill her, but now…Shego had freed her from Drakken, knowing that it could endanger her job. She’d stayed awake with Kim all night to help her sleep. If she didn't care about Kim, she could’ve just left her tied to the wall in the lair. Everything she’d done in the past day…it was clear that she really did want to protect Kim. It hadn’t been a lie. She felt so stupid for just assuming that Shego would turn against her like that, after she’d helped her so many times before. She’d just been so _scared_ , and seeing Shego standing there…

Kim pushed those thoughts out of her mind. As she had so many times before, Shego had protected her, and Kim believed that now. That was what mattered. She sat up a little and looked at Shego. Even though they’d slept in the same bed before, this was the first time she’d woken up before the other woman. Kim watched her sleep for a few minutes. She looked so different when she was asleep. Her face seemed soft, vulnerable, open. As if hearing her thoughts, Shego opened her eyes. “Morning Princess.”

“Hey.” Her voice was quiet, and Shego sat up to look at her more clearly.

“What are you thinking about?”

“I’m scared. I hate being scared like this.”

“I know, Kimmie.”

“I don’t know what to do. I…I always know what to do.” She felt so lost, weak, powerless.

Shego got out of bed and started pulling out clothes. “You’re going to get dressed, and go back to your apartment. Then you’re going to take a shower, buy groceries, and do your laundry, okay?”

Kim swung her legs over the edge of the bed and looked at Shego in shock. She frantically replied, “I can’t do that. I need to look for them and try to figure out—”

“Kimmie.” Shego moved to stand in front of her, and Kim had to look up at her. “You’re not okay.” Kim opened her mouth to protest. _Of course_ she wasn’t okay. “You’re right. We need to find these bastards. But you need to take care of yourself.” Kim couldn’t look at her, and Shego crouched down in front of her. “Kimmie, look at me.” Kim didn’t want to. She didn’t want Shego to see her crying. But she looked anyway, and was surprised by the open honesty on Shego’s face. She meant every word she was saying, and that was a little scary. “You’re giving them too much power. You’re letting them take over your entire life.”

“They have all the power! They want to _take away_ my life! They have guns and—”

“And you fought them, and you survived.”

“Barely! I don’t— I can’t—”

Shego drew Kim down onto the floor, into her arms. She spoke quietly, “Remember Kimmie, you can do anything. I’m not going to let them touch you, but you need to take care of yourself too.” Kim collapsed into Shego’s arms and cried into her shoulder. “You need to have food and clean clothes. I promise I’ll look for them Princess. I know you’re terrified, and you should be, but you can’t stop living. Don’t let them do that to you.”

Kim just kept crying. Eventually she whispering, “Thank you for talking to me, and freeing me last night, and letting me sleep here, and staying with me, and—” Shego pulled back and put a hand on her cheek, forcing her to meet her eyes.

“I told you Princess, I don’t want you to get hurt. I promise, we’re going to find those bastards and they will _never_ touch you again.” Shego kept holding Kim until she finally stopped crying. Then she stood and helped Kim to her feet. “C’mon, you need to get dressed so you can go home.” Shego was speaking to her so gently, and it freaked her out a little, because this wasn’t how Shego talked, but she couldn’t complain; she really needed this right now.

Kim did as she was told, and stood up and dressed in her mission clothes from last night. She grudgingly admitted that Shego was right; she needed fresh clothes and a shower, and it was hard to concentrate on anything else right now, even her terror.

Shego took out the phone Kim had thrown at her and pressed it into her hand. “I’ll swing by tonight, but you can always call me, okay?” Kim nodded and put the phone in her pocket. “Remember what I said, okay Princess?”

Kim nodded again, then threw her arms around Shego and held on tight. Shego tensed in surprise, but almost immediately relaxed into the hug. “Thank you.”

Shego wrapped her arms around Kim, more gently. “I told you Kimmie, I’ll protect you.”

“I know.” And she did. Even if it was stupid, she trusted that Shego would do everything she could to keep her safe.

–oOo–

When Kim got back to her apartment, she faced a new set of challenges. In order to shower, she would have to make herself vulnerable to attacks. She wouldn’t be able to hear the rest of the apartment over the sound of the water. If someone broke in, it would be difficult to fight while her entire body was wet and slippery. And that was ignoring the obvious fact that she would be trapped in a small shower, making herself an exceptionally easy target for a person with a gun. Even if she locked the door, it would take them only seconds to get in.

 _Well, I can do my laundry and buy groceries._ She did, and though she was on high alert the whole time and looked over her shoulder every thirty seconds, it did make her feel a little better. Even though she didn’t know anything about the people who had attacked her, even though it had been _four days_ and she still knew nothing, it was good to know that she could solve these two small problems.

With that done, she sat down to think about the attack, and quickly realized she knew next to nothing. She didn’t remember anything about the people except that they’d been wearing suits. She could probably recognize the man who’d stepped out of the car, but the people inside…she hadn’t even looked at them. _The car._ She knew the make and model. Not the year, but that wasn’t a bad place to start. It had been a Nevada license plate, and she remembered the first half. Maybe she could do something with that.

As she pulled out her laptop, she realized that this was the sort of thing Wade usually did. She collected information and sent it to him, and he did all the research. This would be a lot easier if she could just call him to ask for help, but she knew she had to keep this between her and Shego. After a fair amount of struggling, she managed to find a place to look up license plates. Unfortunately, she needed the full plate number, and there were too many options for her to guess. _Maybe Shego saw more._ The older woman had been checking in periodically to make sure she was okay, and now that it was almost night, Kim was expecting her to show up soon. _Or hoping for her to show up soon._

She wanted to keep researching, but she’d already reached the limits of her knowledge, and that scared her. What if Shego didn’t know anything else? What if this was really all they had? Kim realized she was shaking again. She pressed her forehead into her hands and tried to slow her breathing. _Shego is coming soon. I’ll be okay._ Kim hated that. She hated that she felt like everything would be better when Shego was there. It shouldn’t matter. Shego hadn’t helped when she was attacked, Kim had fought them off on her own. Still, being around Shego, being around someone who could and would fight with her…it made her feel so much safer.

To avoid worrying about how little she knew, Kim went to the kitchen to cook dinner; this was another thing that was easy to fix, and made her feel like she was in control of something. Even if she was just making pasta, it was proof that she was still able to solve at least one small problem in her life. However, as she was putting the pasta in the pot, she heard her window opening, even though she was sure it had been locked. She remembered the fears she’d had when she was thinking about taking a shower. _They’re here. They’re coming for me._ Her first instinct was to run out the front door and get away as fast as she could. She was about to do it, when she realized that there could be more of them over there. And it would make too much noise anyway. She quickly assessed her other options and decided on a plan. _I fought them before. I can do this._

She waited until she saw the shadow of someone in the window, then rushed forward and slammed them against the wall. She flipped their positions so the person was in front of her, shielding her from anyone else who tried to attack. After a moment, she realized she was holding on to Shego. She released the other woman and sank to the ground. “I’m sorry. I thought it was them. I thought they were—”

“It’s fine Kimmie.” She rolled her shoulder experimentally. “If someone came through that window, I think you’d be ready for them. That hurt like a bitch.”

“Sorry.” She rose to her feet again. “I’m um, I’m making dinner, I should check on it.” Shego nodded and shut the window, and Kim reached behind her and locked it. Shego tracked the movement but didn’t comment, and she followed Kim into the kitchen. Kim added more pasta so she’d have enough for both of them.

When Shego didn’t say anything, she told her, “I know the make and model of the car and half the license plate. All the sites I found needed the full license plate.”

Shego nodded. “I think I can find a way to look that up.” When she realized Kim was waiting for her to share more information, she added, “Doc needed me to work today.”

Kim busied herself with stirring the pasta so she didn't have to look at Shego. “I’m scared. It’s been four days, and I’m scared that they’ll attack again.”

“Kimmie, I think that guy with the check was the head honcho, and you broke his nose. He won’t be back for at least another week.”

“I’m still scared.”

“That’s okay.”

Kim took the pasta off the stove, and they ate in silence until Shego said, “You didn’t shower.”

She couldn’t make eye contact. “I…if I did and they attacked, it would be really bad. But you were right about the other stuff.”

Shego smirked and spoke with her normal cockiness. “Of course I was. I’m always right Princess.” It was almost nice to hear her speak normally; the softness was good, but it also freaked her out just a little. “And I’m right about you needing a shower too. I’m here now, so you don’t have to worry about them.”

Kim hated all of this, hated how quickly she trusted the older woman, how easily she agreed to do as she said. But she couldn’t deny that she felt better once she was clean. “I’m going to sleep.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

 _Yes_. “I…I’m dating Grace.” Last night had been different. Shego had just saved her from Drakken, and she’d been so exhausted, and…there hadn’t been a choice. Not like this.

She could tell that Shego didn’t like her answer, but she just said, “I’ll stay out here til you fall asleep, okay?”

Kim laid down in her bed. Even though she knew Shego was outside, she was still scared. She remembered her nightmares, the ones where Shego was holding the gun, but also how safe she felt with the other woman. It took a long time for her to fall asleep.

When she woke suddenly, her door was open and someone was standing in the doorway. _They’re here, it wasn’t a nightmare._ After a few moments, she realized it was Shego, and she was glad she’d checked before attacking this time.

“You were screaming.” Kim didn’t comment on the fact that Shego had promised to leave once she was asleep; it wasn’t worth the effort, and she was glad that the other woman was here. “Do you want me to stay?”

Kim thought about Grace. She thought about the nightmares. When she slept in the same bed as Grace, it was because she wanted to be there, because she cared about her. She wanted Shego to sleep next to her so she felt safe, because that was the only way she really could sleep. She had to be in the lab tomorrow. She needed the sleep. Grace was always there because Kim wanted her; Shego was there because there wasn’t any other choice.

“Yes. Please.”

Without a word, Shego changed into pajamas and climbed into bed with Kim. She pulled Kim close against her chest, and Kim could hear her steady heartbeat and feel her even breathing. Those sounds, and the feeling of being protected, were enough to make her fall asleep. That night, she woke with nightmares several more times, but each time, she only had to glance at Shego next to her to realize that she was safe. Shego wasn’t holding the gun, and if someone else was, she wouldn’t have to fight them alone. That knowledge made it easier to sleep.

–oOo–

On Wednesday, Kim went back to the lab and sat at the same table to keep looking at Python and MatLab. She thought she was starting to understand the basics of Python, but MatLab was still difficult to master. She tried to focus on the tutorials rather than the people who’d attacked her. She hoped Shego was right and she still had a few days til they started looking for her again, but she had no doubt that they could find her here. She was on edge the whole time, and she jumped when Andy walked up to her in the afternoon. “Kim! I hope you’re feeling better!”

She made herself smile. “Yeah, I’m much better now.”

“Good, good, glad to hear it. How far are you on the rest of those trainings?”

“I’m almost done, I’m just working on some MatLab tutorials now.”

He thought about that for a minute, drumming his fingers against his leg. She was impressed by his constant energy, especially now, when she was so drained. “You’re good with everything but MatLab?” She nodded. “How about you start in the lab tomorrow, and you can figure out MatLab when you have some data to work with?”

She tried to keep from smiling too much. This was the first good thing that had happened in days. “Sure, that sounds great.”

“Great, well keep working on this for today, and I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow so I can show you what you’ll be doing.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow.”

He walked away, and she finally let herself smile. She was going to start working in the lab. Doing actual research. Before she got too lost in the moment, however, she heard her phone vibrate. She picked it up, and was surprised to see that she had no messages. She realized it must be the other phone, the one Shego had given her. Right now, that seemed more important than her normal one. _What do you remember about the car?_ She took a few deep, slow breaths as she thought back to that moment. She typed out all the details and hit send. _Thank you._ Even though she was here, working, Shego was looking for those people. Kim would find out what she’d learned tonight.

–oOo–

When Kim got back to her apartment, Shego was already laying on her couch, scrolling through some things on a laptop. There was a bowl of popcorn on the floor next to her. Shego looked…surprisingly normal. How many times had Kim sat there, dressed the same way Shego was dressed now, doing homework and eating snacks? “Um…hi?”

“Hey Princess. I didn’t think you’d mind.” She gestured at the popcorn and pulled up her legs so there was room for Kim to sit on the couch.

“No, um, it’s fine.” She didn’t know why she was so shaken by Shego acting like a normal person. “What did you find?”

She turned her computer partially so Kim could see the screen. It was taken up by two black rectangles that said _Terminal_ at the top, and looked like something she would see in movie about hackers. One of them had a list of numbers that looked like license plates. As Kim watched, another one appeared on the list. The other terminal…she had no idea what was going on, but there was a lot more text there. Shego pointed to the first one she’d looked at. “This is going through all the license plates that start with the numbers you sent me. It’s slow, but it’s keeping track of the cars that match the description.” She checked the numbers on the screen, then said, “It looks like it’s about a quarter of the way done now.”

“How can we find out about the drivers?”

“I’ll run another script that pulls in that information for these license plates. That one may break a couple laws.”

Kim leaned back against the couch. She cared about not dying more than she cared about some laws. Besides, most of what Wade did was illegal anyway. “Okay.”

“You’re okay with breaking the law Princess?”

“I’m okay with not getting shot.”

Shego turned back to the computer. She minimized one of the terminals, and pulled up a picture of the check. Kim hadn’t seen it before, and was surprised by the amount. “That’s a lot of zeros.” Shego shrugged like it didn't matter, but Kim was impressed. They’d offered that much money, and Shego was still sitting here, trying to help her, when she could have just put it in the bank and walked away. Once again, she felt awful for having assumed Shego would turn against her so easily.

Oblivious to Kim’s train of thought, Shego pointed to the top of the check, where there should be a name and address. Instead, there was gibberish. “I thought this might be either scrambled or a cipher, so I’m running a program to decode it.” She clicked back to the terminal. “It’s been running for a couple hours, no luck so far.”

“Do you think we’re going to find anything?”

“Kimmie, look at me. I promised we would find them, and we will. Don’t give up yet.”

“I won’t.” Still, she couldn’t get rid of this increasing feeling of hopelessness.

“Good.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. “How did you learn this stuff? The ciphers and writing scripts and everything.”

“Princess, I work with a mad scientist. He may be a little crazy, but he still knows his tech.” Kim nodded. _Maybe I don’t give Drakken enough credit._ Even though he stole a lot of his “inventions,” he had to be pretty smart to understand how to operate them. And he’d invented several things on his own, including the Bebes. Now that she thought about it, those were very advanced robots, and he’d developed them entirely on his own. Shego interrupted her thoughts by asking, “So, are you making dinner again?”

“Can we just sit here for a little while?” She knew she sounded really small, but she couldn't bring herself to care; she felt small too.

“Of course Princess.”

Kim leaned her head on Shego’s shoulder, and the other woman put an arm around her. Kim allowed herself to relax against her. She was glad Shego was doing so much for her, but she felt so helpless. It had been five days, and she was starting to feel the effects of the constant stress. Though she’d managed to act normal in the lab, she had a dull headache that wouldn’t go away, and she was still so exhausted. She knew dinner was a good idea, but she didn’t want to eat and she couldn’t gather enough energy to cook. She just wanted to curl up on the couch and sleep for a long time and pretend none of this was real.

She wasn’t sure how long they’d been sitting there when Shego stood up. “I’m going to make dinner.” She walked to the kitchen without waiting for a response. Kim wasn’t sure if she should protest, follow her, or just stay on the couch. She decided to go with the option that required the least energy, and stayed where she was. She felt like a kid again, sitting on the couch while someone else cooked for her and brought her a plate of food. Shego didn’t complain about any of it, just took her dishes away and washed them when she was done.

“Kimmie, you need to go to bed.”

She shook her head, even though she really needed to sleep. “It’s too early.”

“I don’t care. Get the hell up and go to bed.” The harshness brought Kim back to herself, at least a little. She stood up, dressed in pajamas, and crawled into bed. Shego didn’t even ask before joining her. Kim was too tired to argue, and just let the other woman hold her close. “You’re okay Kimmie. You can sleep.” Kim started crying again. “Shhh, it’s okay, you’re okay.” _No I’m not_. She couldn’t say that, and Shego already knew. So she just kept crying and Shego brushed away her tears. She knew she was safe right now. She knew she was a good fighter, and so was Shego, and together they could fight off anyone who came through the door. But she couldn’t get that thought out of her head as she fell asleep. _I’m not okay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were a lot of directions I could have gone after the last chapter, and I hope you guys liked this one. Shego's behavior definitely wasn't as straightforward as Kim thought it was, but I think it's possible that she could draw conclusions like that when she's like, freaking out after getting shot at. Well, let me know what you think, good or bad
> 
> Also, Grace comes back in the next chapter :)


	17. 135 days since breakup

In spite of all the fear and stress that she was feeling, Kim was excited to work in the lab on Thursday. She met Andy a few minutes before 9, and he showed her what she would be doing. He demonstrated the tasks, then watched as she carefully imitated him and documented her work. He seemed satisfied, as he said, “I’ll swing by later to see how you’re doing. Let me know if you need any help.”

“Okay, thank you.” Andy left, moving with his normal energy, and Kim continued to focus on the work she was doing and ignore everything she was worried about. She’d gotten enough sleep last night, but that only made her more aware of her fear. She tried to concentrate on the hum of the ventilation system and not jump every time someone walked past her. Between the work and her stress, she lost track of time, and she was surprised when Andy came in again. He looked at what she was doing and made a couple slight adjustments. She nodded and watched him, and she definitely did _not_ think about how he would look with a bullet hole in his chest and blood on his shirt.

When he was done with his explanation, Andy looked at her strangely. “Kim, have you eaten lunch yet?”

“No.”

“It’s 2:30, go eat and then you can keep working.”

She nodded and left the lab, sitting at the table that she’d started to think of as _her table._ As she ate, she checked her phone and found a message from Grace, saying that her flight was taking off. Based on the timing of the message, Grace should be getting back to campus around 4 or 5. _Perfect._

Kim was excited to see Grace again, but she was also worried. With everything that was going on…Grace was so vulnerable, so easy to attack. She remembered the sound of the gun firing. Grace could get killed so quickly. _No. I won’t let that happen._ She finished her lunch and went back to the lab. Work would take her mind off her problems.

–oOo–

As soon as she left the lab, Kim went to Grace’s apartment. She tried to put on her best smile as the door opened, but she knew it wasn’t very convincing. She walked in and avoided making too much eye contact, hoping Grace wouldn’t notice. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Grace put a hand on her arm, and Kim turned to face her. “Are you okay?”

Kim leaned against the other girl and rested her forehead on her shoulder. “Not really.” She hesitated before saying more, and Grace led them to her couch so they could sit down. “There’s just some stuff with my missions that’s getting really intense.” She didn’t want to tell Grace that people were trying to kill her; there was nothing she could do, so there was no point in worrying her.

“You could’ve told me.” Grace’s voice was soft.

“I didn’t want to ruin your time with your family. Besides…”

“What?”

 _There’s nothing you can do._ She didn’t want to say it. “Nothing.”

Grace touched her cheek gently, tilted her head up to look at her. “You can tell me, it’s okay.”

Kim just shook her head, and said something that was different, but equally true. “I’m scared.” Even though she’d admitted it to Shego, it felt different with Grace. Grace, who usually only saw her being strong. And now, saying it out loud, she was crying again. _Dammit._ Grace immediately wrapped her arms around her and held her close. She was grateful, but it didn’t make her feel safe, not the way it did when Shego held her. Instead, it reminded her that Grace could get hurt if those people attacked again. Still, she didn’t move for several minutes. When she shifted, Grace instantly released her.

“Is there anything I can do?” Kim shook her head, wiping away her tears. They sat in silence for several minutes, and Grace put her arm around Kim’s shoulders again. It was clear that the other girl didn’t really know how to comfort her, but she was trying. Kim knew that should count for something, but it was hard when she felt so scared. She wasn’t sure how long they sat there before Grace asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Kim shook her head again. “I, um, I think I should go.” This was all wrong. Kim should want to be around Grace right now. She hadn’t seen her in two weeks and now she should be looking to her for comfort, but every time she thought about those people…it just reminded her of how quickly they would kill Grace. “I just want to be alone for a little while.” _This is wrong._ “Do you want to come over later? We can eat dinner and talk about your family and…” Kim wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Sure. But I want to help with…whatever is happening with your missions.”

“You can’t. If you try to get involved, you’ll just get hurt. These guys are really, really serious, and I…I don’t want them to hurt you.” Kim could tell that she was about to protest again, so she stood up quickly. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

Grace squeezed her hand. “See you soon.”

Kim left quickly, and felt herself starting to panic as she walked back to her apartment. She hadn’t thought about the danger to Grace when the other girl had been in Texas. Those people had been here, looking for her, and Grace had been far away. But now that Grace was here too…

When Kim opened the door to her apartment, she found that Shego was sitting in her kitchen. “Um, why are you here?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” The frankness startled her.

“I’m fine.” Shego opened her mouth to speak, but before she could say anything, Kim started crying again. She couldn’t stop imagining a bullet hole in Grace’s forehead. She felt completely overwhelmed. It had been bad enough when she’d only been worried about herself; she didn’t know how she could protect someone else when she wasn’t even sure if she could even take care of herself. She was surprised to feel Shego arms wrap around her; she hadn’t even realized that the other woman was standing. Kim leaned against Shego, enjoying her warmth, enjoying the feeling of being safe. She remembered how she’d pushed Grace away earlier. She couldn’t do that and then be here, like this, with Shego. She allowed herself one more moment to relish in the feeling of being protected, then pulled away. “Please leave.”

She could tell that Shego wanted to say something. She wanted to argue, or ask why, or refuse. But after searching Kim’s face for several seconds, she nodded and left through the front door. Kim locked the door, then sat on the floor and tried to take deep breaths. After everything that had happened, she wasn’t sure why _this_ was the moment when she started to panic. It all just seemed so much more _real_ all of a sudden. When it had been just her and Shego, it had felt much more manageable, but now, someone else that she cared about was in danger. Someone who couldn’t defend herself.

Kim knew Grace wouldn’t be able to understand how serious this was. The other girl had no idea how intense some of her missions could be. Maybe that was Kim’s fault, for brushing over some of the more dangerous details, but that didn’t change the reality. Grace probably thought this was just a little worse than normal, and that _normal_ was easily manageable. She didn’t know what was happening now, and Kim didn’t want to scare her by telling her.

By the time Grace got to the apartment, Kim felt a little more calm, and she was pleased to see that the other girl had brought a change of clothes; she wasn’t sure if she could fall asleep alone right now. Grace had also picked up food on the way, and as they ate dinner, they talked about Grace’s family and Kim’s work in the lab. This was the conversation that should have happened when Kim went to Grace’s apartment, and Kim was relieved that they were talking about something other than the people who were trying to kill her.

Kim kept the conversation going so Grace wouldn’t have a chance to ask about her missions again. She coaxed out some stories about Grace’s time at camp, and she didn’t need to worry about carrying the conversation after that. She really had missed Grace, and she was interested in everything she was saying. But she was still distracted, thinking about those people and their guns. Thinking about a bullet hole in Andy’s chest. Thinking about a bullet hole in Grace’s head.

She didn’t even realize Grace had stopped speaking until she felt a warm hand on her face. “You can talk to me about it.”

 _No I can’t_. “Thanks.”

When she didn’t say anything more, Grace said. “I want to hear about it. I want to help you.”

“You can’t.”

“Kim, please…let me help.”

Kim remembered the moment when she’d realized they were using guns, the absolute fear she’d felt. She’d been more afraid in that moment than she'd ever been during her missions. Grace wouldn’t be able to keep up on a normal mission; there was no way she could handle this. “There’s nothing you can do.”

Grace hesitated. It was clear that she wanted to say more, but in the end, she just said, “Okay.” Kim hoped that would be the end of the discussion, but she wasn’t sure. It was in Grace’s nature to try to help as much as she could, and normally that was really, really nice, but now…it would just get her killed. To prevent any further discussion, Kim immediately started talking about her work in the lab. Grace seemed genuinely interested, even if she didn’t understand everything that Kim was saying, and Kim suddenly felt like the situation was backwards; usually, Kim would be the one listening while Grace talked about her research. It felt good to be the one explaining this time.

Fortunately, Grace didn’t mention Kim’s missions again before they went to bed. Kim felt so helpless getting into bed again; in the past twenty four hours, she hadn’t learned anything about the people who’d attacked her. So she cried and let Grace hold her, just as Shego had the night before. Kim tried to stop thinking about everything; she could think again tomorrow. She always felt less afraid in the morning. Eventually, she managed to fall asleep, but she woke up suddenly, sitting upright, gasping for air. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been asleep, but her skin was damp and she was shaking. It seemed like she’d woken Grace, but the other girl was clearly only half-awake. “Kim? Are you okay?”

 _No._ “Yeah, it was just a nightmare.”

“You’ve dealt with all sorts of villains before, it’ll be okay. C’mon, let’s go back to sleep.”

Grace tugged on her arm and she laid down again, but her heart was racing, and she was sure Grace could feel it. The other girl kissed the side of her head. “You’ll be okay. Just sleep.”

Kim nodded, but she knew she was too tense to sleep right now. _You’ve dealt with all sorts of villains before._ She had, but not like this. Her normal enemies didn’t track her down; she only saw them during missions. These guys…they were literally hunting her. They didn’t ramble about their elaborate plans to take over the world, they didn’t tie her to rockets or metal rods or lock her under a sheet of ice. They didn’t give her a chance to think and escape. They brought guns, and they shot at her before she even knew who they were. They could find her and kill her right now, while she was lying next to Grace. Kim had a chance of getting out on her own — even if it was just a small chance — but she knew she couldn’t defend both herself and Grace. If they found her here, Grace was probably going to die.

 _You’ll be okay._ When Shego said that, it made Kim feel a little better, but it sounded empty coming from Grace. When she woke up and saw Shego, she felt safe. Waking up and seeing Grace…it just made her more scared. It reminded her of how easily the other girl could get hurt. How easily Grace could get hurt because of _her_.

Kim didn’t want to fall asleep again. She didn’t want to have nightmares while she was lying next to Grace and wake up screaming or shaking or crying, and realize that the reality might be as bad as her nightmares. Except that now, the reality could be even worse. In her nightmares, she was always alone. In real life, she wouldn’t be, not here. If _(when)_ she woke up, she would scare Grace. And if the reality was worse than her nightmares, she would watch Grace die.

She distracted herself by thinking about the past week, and especially about Shego. She knew she shouldn't have slept in the same bed as the other woman. She could excuse the first time; she’d been a physical and emotional mess, and Shego had just saved her from Drakken, and she’d been too tired to make any intelligent decisions. All she’d known was that she was afraid, and Shego was safe. That was the issue; she still associated Shego with safety. With everything that had happened last semester, she’d always gone to Shego for comfort. The older woman had held her while she cried and fallen asleep with her, and made her feel like it was okay to not be okay sometimes. And now that another awful thing had happened…her first instinct had been to run back to Shego.

She wondered what she would have done if Grace had been here, in California, instead of in Texas with her family. Would she still have gone to Shego? Or would she have let Grace hold her, as she was doing now? She wasn’t sure, and that worried her. But she was certain that, if Grace had been here, she wouldn’t have let Shego sleep in her bed last night, or the night before. Still, she couldn’t stop thinking about the time when she'd attacked in the alley, or when she'd cut herself, or when she'd had sex with that _stupid_ boy; every time, she’d gone to Shego. Shego had been the only person who was on her side, the only person who could make her feel safe.

Grace still didn’t make her feel safe, not like Shego did. But Grace made her feel loved, and that was important too. _Why am I even thinking about this? I want to be with Grace._ She’d made some mistakes in the past week, but now Grace was here, and Kim should be relying on her. She could still ask Shego to help her find the people who’d attacked her, but she shouldn’t depend on her for emotional support anymore. That wasn’t fair to Grace. _Thinking about this isn’t fair to Grace._ She forced it out of her head. She was with Grace. She _wanted_ to be with Grace. She’d _chosen_ to be with Grace. She shouldn’t be comparing Shego to Grace.

Even when Kim managed to push those thoughts out of her mind, she didn’t want to fall asleep. She would just have more nightmares and that would scare Grace, so she resolved to stay awake for the rest of the night. It wasn’t as hard as she’d expected; she just had to picture those men bursting through the door, and her adrenaline spiked. By the time Grace woke up in the morning, Kim felt like shit. The constant stress was only getting worse, and the lack of sleep hadn’t helped. She had a pounding headache, and her entire body felt tense. If Grace noticed, she didn’t comment. She just kissed Kim and made some comment about watching a movie tonight. Kim nodded without really paying attention to the details.

Arriving in the lab was a little jarring; the lights were bright, the room was freezing, and the entire space smelled like some sort of acid. The brightness and the scent hurt her head, but the combination made her feel a little more awake. At least, enough that she could actually focus on her work. By lunchtime, however, she felt the lack of sleep starting to catch up to her. She stepped outside; the warmth felt amazing after being inside for so long, and she walked down the street to get coffee. Based on how tired she was, she couldn’t have slept for more than two hours last night, and she really needed the caffeine. _No big, I’ve slept less before._ It was true; between missions and schoolwork, there were days when she’d barely slept at all. Still, the constant fear added to her exhaustion. She drank her coffee quickly as she walked back to the lab, then stopped just outside the doors to drink more. Someone opened the door to leave, and Kim sighed and dropped the cup in the trash, even though it wasn't empty. Sometimes, she really hated that she couldn’t eat in a lab. She was grateful, however, when Andy came in at 3:30 to say that he was leaving for the day. It meant that she didn’t feel bad about leaving at 4:30.

Since Grace had gotten back last night, today was her first day doing research again; she would probably have to stay there after 5, which meant that Kim had some time to herself. When she got back to her apartment, she texted Grace, saying that she should call when she wanted to watch a movie. Then she laid down on her couch and went to sleep. Less than an hour later, she was woken by her phone ringing. She’d been hoping for more sleep, but this was better than nothing. _Almost 3 hours of sleep in the past day._ She’d definitely had worse days, but this was still pretty bad. After talking to Grace, she got up and ordered pizza. She knew she should order out less, but she didn’t have the energy to cook today. She suddenly remembered Shego cooking for her while she laid on the couch last night, but she shoved it away. She refused to think about how comforting it had been to have Shego take care of her, especially when she knew it wouldn’t be as comforting if Grace did it.

Grace arrived at the same time as the pizza, and they watched a movie while they ate. It felt almost stupidly normal to sit on her couch and watch a movie when she knew there were people trying to kill her. She wanted to ask Shego if she’d had any luck finding the owner of the car or unscrambling the check, but she couldn’t take out her phone until Grace left. So for now, she just focused on staying awake til the end of the movie.

When it was done, Grace closed the laptop and looked at Kim, nervously tapping her fingers on her leg. “Kim, please tell me what’s going on.”

She wondered if Grace had been working up the courage to say it through the whole movie. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I want to help you.”

“There’s nothing you can do. You’ll just get hurt.”

“Kim, I want to help. I know it’s dangerous, but I can’t let you do this on your own.”

“Grace, you don’t know what you’re saying. You can’t fight these guys.” She was so tempted to say something about the guns, or about them hunting her down, but she didn’t.

“I don’t want you to do this without me.”

Kim was starting to get frustrated. Grace had never asked to help with her missions or implied that Kim couldn’t handle them on her own. She knew this was different; this was the first time she’d ever admitted to being scared. But Grace wouldn’t be able to do this, and Kim needed to make that clear. “Let’s fight.”

That was clearly not what Grace had expected, and her eyes widened almost comically. “What?”

“If you think you can do this, then let’s fight. If you can defend yourself against me, I’ll let you help.” Maybe she should’ve been nicer, but she was so tired, and she really wanted to stop talking about this.

Kim could tell that Grace didn’t want to fight her; she already knew it wouldn’t end well. Still, Grace met her gaze evenly, and she sounded determined as she replied, “Let’s go.”

They walked in silence to the football field, which was brightly lit even though it was dark outside. Kim slipped into a fighting stance effortlessly, and she watched as Grace struggled to imitate it. Even though the other girl copied her position fairly well, it was clear that she was uncomfortable, and her weight was distributed all wrong; her balance was completely off. “Are you ready to start?”

Grace nodded. Despite Kim’s exhaustion, the other girl was on the ground in seconds. They repeated it, over and over, always with the same result. Kim wasn’t going particularly hard on her — even though the people she was fighting were going _very_ hard — but it didn’t matter. She was careful to avoid hurting Grace, but she easily won each short round.

“Do you want to try attacking first?”

“Sure.” Grace’s voice was tense.

Even though Grace moved first this time, the result was the same. She left herself too open to attacks, and it was too easy to throw her off balance. Kim could have killed her dozens of times by now, which meant that the people she was fighting could have killed her dozens of times, even without guns. Remembering what she’d done with Shego, Kim started moving in a circle, and encouraged Grace to move with her. After a few seconds, she attacked again. Not a complicated attack, just something simple that should have been easy to block. Grace couldn’t block it.

Eventually Kim stopped and lowered her hands. Seeing that she’d let her guard down, Grace attacked again, but the result was the same. “Grace, stop.” Kim offered a hand to help her stand up. She was half expecting the other girl to resist, but instead she took the offered hand and allowed Kim to pull her to her feet. “I don’t want you to get hurt, okay?” Grace opened her mouth as if to argue, but Kim shook her head. “If you help, you’re going to get hurt.”

“I don’t want you to do this without me.”

Kim was starting to get really annoyed. It wasn’t fair to Grace, who only wanted to help her, but the other girl would just distract her in a fight. She couldn’t say it, but Grace would be a liability. “I was going easy on you. The people who are trying to hurt me…they won’t go easy.”

She reached for Grace’s hand, and the other girl didn’t pull away. “I don’t want you to get hurt either. I…there has to be something I can do.”

“There isn’t.”

Grace whispered, “Okay,” but Kim didn't think that was going to be the end of it. This was the third time it had come up in two days, and it felt like Grace was agreeing now to appease her. The thought of having this conversation again only made her feel more exhausted. Grace tugged her hand away. “I’m going to go back to my apartment.” Kim nodded and watched helplessly as she walked away.

She felt empty as she left the football field. Her relationship with Grace had always been so smooth, so easy; they’d never fought about anything before. She knew fights happened in every relationship, but this made her nervous. She went on a lot of missions, and if Grace kept trying to get involved, she was going to get hurt, badly.

Kim suddenly remembered Eric. _That’s not fair to Grace._ Maybe it wasn’t, but she could easily imagine a villain using Grace against her. Drakken had only known about Eric because he’d created him, but if Grace tried to get involved, the same situation could happen again. Except it would be worse, because her relationship with Grace felt much more real than her relationship with Eric — and not just because Grace wasn’t a synthodrone.

Grace had always been there for her and wanted to help her, and Kim had always accepted it gratefully. Now that she was refusing her help for the first time…she just hoped that Grace wouldn’t keep asking. Their fight had made it abundantly clear that the other girl was completely defenseless against even simple attacks, and she would only be a liability in a fight.

Kim checked the time when she got back to her apartment. It was way too early to go to bed, but she was so exhausted, and she didn’t want to stay awake and think about what had just happened. As she changed into pajamas, she texted Shego _Please don’t come over._ She knew she would have nightmares again, but she couldn’t be with Shego right after an argument with Grace. As she was getting into bed, she saw Shego’s reply _Are you okay?_ She didn’t want to answer, but she knew that ignoring it would make Shego worry even more. She thought about lying, but in the end she sent _No_ immediately followed by _Good night._ She would ask Shego about those scripts tomorrow morning. For now, she was going to sleep as much as the nightmares would allow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter didn't have much of Shego, she'll be back (a lot) in the next chapter!


	18. 136 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter picks up right after the end of the last one. Sorry it took so long, the holidays were pretty rough for me and I also had to rewrite a lot of things. Hope y'all had a happy new year/merry christmas/any other holidays you were celebrating

Shego reread the conversation with Kim for the third time.

_Are you okay?_

_No. Goodnight._

She was worried about Kim, much more worried than she should be for her supposed enemy. But over the past few months and especially in the last week…she wasn’t sure if there was anyone that she cared about more than Kim. Drakken had been keeping Shego busy for the past two days — something about going back to work on his weird super-flowers — so she hadn’t had much time to think about the younger girl. But now that it was Friday and Drakken was _hopefully_ leaving her alone for the weekend, she could worry about Kim again.

As if Drakken had heard her thoughts, there was a sudden pounding on her door. Scowling, she got up and opened it. “What the hell do you want?”

“Shego, it’s Friday, you know what that means…”

She pretended to think about it for a couple seconds. “Hmmm, do I?”

“Yes, Shego, it’s karaoke night.”

 _No, it’s find-the-assholes-who-tried-to-kill-Kimmie night._ “So?”

“Well, you know, since we _are_ an evil family, I was hoping you could come and, er, well, support me.”

“No can do Doc.”

“Wait, Shego—” He was cut off by the door closing.

She went back to her computer and finally looked at the results of the scripts she’d been running. She quickly read over the list of car owners, and stopped when she found a name she recognized. _Hank Perkins._ That didn’t tell her who was actually behind it, but it did change some of her assumptions. She’d assumed the head honcho had been there when Kim was attacked, but Hank usually liked to hang out with the boss. Since Hank hadn’t been there, the two of them had probably been holed up somewhere while the goons did their dirty work.

So why hadn’t they attacked during the week? Clearly they had the manpower and weapons to do it again… _But if Kimmie disappears on Friday night, no one will know til Monday._ Now it was Friday again, so Kim was in probably danger. _Shit._

Kim had asked to be left alone, but this was too important. Shego checked the time. It was nine, so they would attack within the next couple hours, if they hadn’t already. She could feel her heart racing, which was an unfamiliar sensation when she wasn’t fighting. She called Kim once, and then again when she didn’t pick up. Three times. Four times. She texted _Kimmie pick up the damn phone_ and called again. No answer. _Shit._ Heart still racing, she rushed out of her room to get to a hovercraft.

“Oh Shego,” Drakken called, “you’re just in time to go to karaoke.” She threw plasma in his direction without even looking. Then she jumped in the hovercraft and raced towards Kim’s apartment. _Please don’t be dead._ Shego couldn’t remember the last time she’d actually given a damn about anyone else. She had Drakken, but the thought of losing him didn’t make her feel like this.

She got to Kim’s apartment and glanced around. Seeing no signs of a fight, she went to Kim’s bedroom and yanked the door open. Kim sat up, startled awake by the noise, and Shego ran over and hugged her tightly. _She’s alive._ “Thank god you’re okay.”

“Shego? What’s going on?”

“I think they’re going to attack again tonight. When you didn’t answer the phone, I thought…I thought you might be dead.” She kept holding Kim, and refused to acknowledge how scared she’d been. This wasn’t how villains were supposed to act. She was supposed to be a cool and collected criminal, someone who never cared about _anyone_ , especially not her enemy. “I was so worried about you.” Shego knew they should be leaving. They should get out of the apartment before anyone else got there, but it felt so good to just sit there and hold Kim. She heard a faint noise, like someone was trying to open the door, and Kim stiffened in her arms. Shego whispered, “Princess, do you trust me?” Kim hesitated only briefly before nodding. “Let me take care of them, okay?” Shego waited for Kim to nod again before releasing her.

She got off the bed and tried to distance herself from the entire situation. For the first time in years, she wasn’t able to think clearly, and she was still trying to process the rush of emotions from worrying that Kim had been killed, then finding out that she was okay. She definitely wasn’t ready for the new flood of emotions that came when she thought about the fact that people were going to try to kill Kim within minutes. She suddenly realized that she would do just about anything to prevent that from happening. The realization made her deeply uncomfortable, but she knew it was true; she hadn’t even hesitated before volunteering to fight people with guns in close quarters. It wouldn’t be the first time, but it was still pretty fucking stupid. After all, she was powerful, not invincible, and shit like this made it very clear. She hadn’t done something this stupid since her hero days, and she was pretty sure she wouldn’t do it for anyone but Kim.

She wanted to ask for a kiss for luck. Hell, she wanted to just walk back over to the bed and kiss Kim for as long as she could. Still struggling to get her emotions under control, she decided she was going to make one more stupid choice; she went back to Kim and kissed her really, really hard, and tried to push everything she was feeling into the kiss. She absorbed every detail about the moment. Kim’s smell, her taste, the softness of her lips, the warmth of her skin. Then she pulled away. “In case this goes badly, I wanted to do that one more time.” Shego winked to offset the seriousness of her comment, then walked out without looking back. _Why the fuck did I say that?_ She’d meant to make a joke about getting a kiss for luck, not _that._ That had been too honest, too close to what she was really feeling. She didn’t have time to think about it though — she could tell that they were almost done opening the door. She leaned against the wall casually and crossed her arms over her chest, her trademark smirk planted on her face. She waited for the door to open, and all her emotions melted into razor-sharp focus. _Showtime._

“You’re not supposed to be here.”

It was gratifying to see them jump back in fear. One of them asked, “Why are you here?”

She ignored the question and quickly surveyed the room. Half a dozen people, loosely spread out between her and the door. Not great, but she'd dealt with worse. “You’re here to kill Kimmie.”

“Yes?” he sounded uncertain.

“Don’t play dumb, jackass. That’s why you’re here.”

“That’s what you want too. So stand out of the way and let us do it.” His confidence didn’t seem fake; he actually thought he could tell her what to do. _Prick._

“Right, but _I’m_ going to be the one that kills her, and like hell am I letting some asshole with a couple bullets take that away from me.”

“Then kill her now.”

She pushed off the wall and walked closer to him, and, though he swallowed nervously, he stood his ground. The rest of the men, however, backed away from him. _Smart._ “I’m going to kill her in a fair fight. Only a fucking coward kills someone in their bed. You’re scared to face her head on because you’re not as good as me, and she would wipe the floor with your pathetic lazy ass.” His face was pale, and she saw his eyes dart over to one of the men to her right. That was her only warning, but it gave her enough time to step out of the way of the bullet. _That fucker just fired a fucking gun at me._ Even though she’d noticed in time, that bullet hadn’t missed her by much. She walked over to him, pulled the gun out of his hand, and melted it. _He would have shot Kim._ Somehow, that was more inexcusable than the fact that he’d actually tried to shoot _her._ She grabbed his arm with her hand still glowing, and he screamed. “Does anyone else want to fire a fucking gun at me?” All of them shook their heads slowly. “You’re all fucking cowards.”

The original guy spoke up again. “You were with Kim Possible last week. Why didn’t you kill her then?”

She walked closer til she was less than a foot away from him. “I want a _fair fight._ I want her to try to stop me for _real_ , and I want to watch her _lose_ and watch how _helpless_ she is. Until then, I’m going to make her trust me so it hurts even more when she realizes I’m going to kill her. She’s going to be _broken_ and then she’s going to be _dead_ , and you are going to stay the fuck out of my way. Got it?” She knew she was laying it on way too thick, but she needed them to buy this.

His voice was shaking, but he said, “That doesn’t seem like Drakken’s style.” He had balls, she would give him that. _Maybe I should fix that…_

“This isn’t about Drakken. This is about me and Kimmie, and you need to stay the hell out of it.”

“Or what?”

She grabbed his shoulder and lit up her hand. He screamed, but she didn’t let go. He wanted to kill Kim. He wanted her to die. She _hated_ him. “Who hired you to kill her?” He was still screaming. She turned off her plasma but didn’t let go. “Answer the fucking question.” He still didn’t answer. She imagined a bullet hole in Kim’s forehead, and she squeezed his shoulder until he screamed again. “Answer the damn question or your face will end up like your shoulder.”

“I-I don’t know. Hank just tells us where to go.”

She shoved him, and he stumbled back and fell. There were tears on his cheeks, and his entire body was shaking in pain. _Good._ This wasn’t like her. She only hurt people when she had to, and she never enjoyed their pain; she knew she needed to stop, but she kept thinking about Kim getting shot, and somehow that left very little room for self-restraint. “Well tell Hank that if he takes away my chance to kill Kimmie, I’ll kill him instead. Do you think this is a fucking joke?” She glared at him, and he hesitated, then shook his head. She looked at the other people. “What about you? Do you think I’m joking?” They all shook their heads. “Great, then leave the damn guns here and get the hell out of Kim’s apartment. And make sure Hank gets the fucking message.” They hesitated to put down their guns, and she lit up both hands. “I’ve already fucked up two of your friends, and I have no problem doing it to the rest of you too.” She meant it. She would hurt them, and she would enjoy it. Either that showed on her face or they were too afraid of what she’d already done; they were gone in seconds.

She followed them to the door and locked it — they’d actually picked the lock instead of just breaking the door open. As a thief, she had to admit that they was smart; it would make it harder for anyone to notice the break-in. She went back to Kim’s room. “Kimmie, are you okay?” She reached out to put a hand on Kim’s shoulder, but the younger girl flinched away. _Shit._ “They’re gone. They won’t be back tonight.” She was pretty sure that even Hank’s end of year bonus BS wouldn’t be enough for them to go up against her again.

“Did you really mean that?”

“Yes. I will _kill_ Hank if he tries to hurt you again.” She was surprised by her own conviction. She’d only killed once and it generally went against her — admittedly limited — moral code, but she knew she wouldn’t hesitate to do it this time. Just like she hadn’t hesitated to make those people scream.

“Not that. The stuff about wanting me to trust you so it’s easier to kill me.”

Shego felt physically ill. She’d needed to say it, but also… “I had to give them an excuse for protecting you. I care about you so much, and I…I just don’t want you get hurt.” _I need to get my fucking feelings under control._ She hadn’t meant to be that honest again.

After a few moments, Kim nodded, but she still didn’t look completely convinced. “How did you know it was Hank?” Shego explained quickly. Kim thought over it, then said, “Thank you for coming. You didn’t have to, and they would have…” Kim trailed off and started crying, and Shego wrapped her arms around her again.

“It’s okay Princess. They left. They didn’t hurt you.” Shego couldn’t stand the pain in Kim’s voice. She sounded so small, and that wasn’t right. This was Kim Possible, the girl who could do anything, and Shego _hated_ the person who was making her feel like this. She was going to hurt them, but first she needed to make sure Kim was okay. Without thinking, Shego leaned forward to kiss her gently, but the younger girl turned away.

“I’m, um, I’m dating Grace.” She pulled herself out of Shego’s arms.

 _Fuck._ “Okay, well I’ll go back to the lair now. They shouldn’t bother you again today.”

“Shego, wait.”

“It’s fine Kimmie. You asked me to leave you alone tonight. Hopefully you’ll be able to sleep now.”

With that, she practically ran out of the apartment, not wanting to give Kim the chance to see what she was feeling. She’d spent years training herself to act cool and emotionless, as both a hero and a villain, but she didn’t know if she’d ever felt this much at once; she was definitely slipping. When she got back to the lair, she rushed back to her room. If Drakken had made even one comment about karaoke, he would’ve become a scorch mark on the ground, but luckily it seemed like he was finally gone.

She sat on her bed and tried to figure out what the hell was happening. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever cared about someone this much and it was, well…kind of terrifying. She’d had feelings for Kim, to some degree, for at least a couple months, but something had changed over the past week. When Kim had pushed her away last weekend, it had hurt so fucking much. She remembered the first time she’d promised to protect Kim, months ago, and how angry she’d been with herself for saying something so _stupid._ Now, it felt obvious. Of course she would protect Kim. Hell, she’d freed her from Drakken. She’d stayed up most of the night to help her sleep. That was already more than she’d ever done for anyone.

But even with all of that, tonight had been…something else. She’d never snapped like that before. She could blame it on the fact that she’d been worried about fighting against guns in a small space, but she knew that wasn’t it. She’d done that before, and even it wasn’t a common occurrence, she’d never attacked anyone like that. She’d never enjoyed listening to someone scream in pain. She closed her eyes and imagined Kimmie with a bullet hole though her forehead, and she didn’t regret a single damn thing.

Shego was pretty sure her reaction would have been less extreme if they were only threatening her, but with Kim there…it was worse than being threatened herself. She knew what she was feeling, and as much as she didn’t want to think about it, there wasn’t anything she could do. She buried her face in a pillow and screamed. _I love her._ A few seconds later, that was followed by _I’m_ so _fucked._

–oOo–

Kim didn’t get out of bed on Saturday until she got a message from Grace, asking to meet at a diner for brunch. Kim sighed. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to see the other girl right now. Actually, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do, period. She would be happy to hide in her apartment and ignore the outside world, but being inside felt claustrophobic. She didn’t want to speak to anyone, but she also felt incredibly isolated. _I have to talk to her._ Their fight seemed a lot less important after everything else that had happened last night, but they still needed to talk about it; Grace couldn’t keep trying to protect her. Kim agreed to meet her in two hours, and spent the time trying to figure out exactly how much she should tell her about last night.

When she got to the diner, Grace was already sitting in a booth by herself. Kim noticed that she was nervously tapping her fingers against the bench, and her shoulders were tense. She jumped when Kim sat down. “Kim!”

“Hey.”

“Are you okay? You look tired.”

“Yeah, I didn’t sleep much last night.” She saw the guilt flash across the other girl’s face, and she added. “It wasn’t just because of…you know. I was thinking about some other stuff too.” That was true at least. She’d barely slept at all after Shego left; she’d been too busy replaying everything that had happened. She’d imagined how it would have been different if Shego hadn’t been there, or if Grace had been there, and she’d pointedly avoided thinking about that kiss. Or how disappointed Shego had been when she didn’t get a second one.

“You can come back to my apartment and take a nap later.”

“Thanks, but I think it’s easier for me to sleep by myself for now.” That was a little less true. It was definitely easier for her to sleep without Grace. When she was with the other girl, she was constantly aware that she was putting her in danger, especially after last night. Based on what Shego had told her, she didn’t think they’d attack here, in such a public place, during the day — there were too many witnesses. But at night, with Grace…the other girl would just be collateral damage. It was easier to sleep alone than deal with that. It was even easier to sleep with Shego, but that wasn’t an option.

A waiter came by to take their orders, and Kim ordered her usual omelette without thinking; she hadn’t even looked at the menu. Grace was staring at the table, fiddling with her napkin and not looking at Kim. She was clearly trying to work up the courage to say something about their argument last night, either an apology or a defense. When she started talking, her eyes remained fixed on the edge of the table. “Kim, I’m sorry for what happened yesterday. I know you have a lot more experience with fighting than I do, and I should have trusted your judgment about what was too dangerous. When we fought…I had no idea how little I really knew. So I decided I’m going to sign up for martial arts classes so I can go on missions with you.”

Kim had no idea what to say to that. Out of all the ways she’d imagined this conversation playing out, there was no way she could have come up with this scenario. That was…wow. Kim was pretty sure Grace didn’t realize how much time, effort, and money would she would need to commit, but she had no doubt that the other girl would do it. For her. _I have to say something._ “That’s amazing. I love martial arts, and it’s great that you’re interested in them too.” She deliberately ignored the fact that Grace was only interested because of her.

The other girl smiled nervously. “It’s mostly just so I can go on a missions with you. I want to be able to protect you.”

“Grace…it’s going to take more than a handful of lessons before you can defend yourself on missions. It’s really great that you want to help but—” She was cut off as the waiter arrived with their food. It was good timing; she wasn’t entirely sure what else she would have said.

After they’d been eating for a few minutes, Grace said, “Ron went on missions with you, right?”

Kim’s omelette turned to lead in her stomach. She didn’t like where this was going. “Yeah. He was my best friend.”

“Did he have any martial arts training?”

“Not at first, but, um…” How did she explain his ability to do the right thing without even trying? “He was weirdly good at going on missions. Global Justice actually thought he was the reason my missions were successful. They called it his _Ron Factor_ , and they had agents follow him around and copy everything he did. They spent a lot of time at Bueno Nacho.” Kim realized that Grace wasn’t amused by the story, and added, “He also got some mystical monkey magic that helped with his fighting.” _Occasionally._

Grace spoke quietly. “He went on missions without training and he was okay.”

“It was different when we started doing missions. I wasn’t even planning to do anything dangerous, and he was there from the beginning and…” She wasn’t sure how to explain what she was feeling. That the missions had belonged to her and Ron, and taking Grace as her new mission partner wouldn’t feel right. That her and Ron just _worked_ as a team, and her and Grace could never be that in-sync. “Grace, please don’t try to be Ron. You don’t have to do everything he could do.”

Grace wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I’m sorry for how I’ve been the past couple days.” _She didn’t agree to stop talking about it._

“It’s not totally your fault. I haven’t really been fair to you either, I know you were just trying to help.” Kim wasn’t sure if she completely believed what she was saying, but it felt like the right thing to say.

“Still, I feel like I’ve been acting like my ex.” Her ex, who had been jealous and controlling. _Oh._

“You…you haven’t really been like that.”

“You’re sure?”

Kim forced herself to smile and say, “Positive,” even though she wasn’t. She suddenly remembered how Shego had kissed her last night, intense and emotional. And Kim hadn’t pushed her away the first time. She’d been too shocked to even realize what was happening but still… _Grace isn’t the only one acting like her ex._

–oOo–

Kim had trouble falling asleep again that night, which was frustrating because she’d slept less than six hours in the past two days. She was definitely tired enough to sleep, but every time she closed her eyes, she remembered the sound of the gun firing in her kitchen. Part of her wanted to believe that it was all just a nightmare, that there wasn’t a bullet embedded in her couch. The air in her apartment felt stale, almost suffocating, and she was pretty sure she could still smell burnt flesh. Though she thought the last part might actually be in her head.

She knew they could come back tonight, and she needed to be awake so she could fight them off. If Shego hadn’t woken her last night, they would’ve killed her; she wouldn’t have heard the front door open, and she would’ve been trapped in her room. She might have been able to take down one or two people, but not six. Not before they shot her. She’d felt so _pathetic_ , just lying in bed while Shego dealt with them. Without the other woman's help, she would almost certainly be dead right now. She was supposed to be able to do anything, and she couldn’t even protect herself.

After a couple hours, she decided that, if she wasn’t going to sleep, she wanted to leave the apartment. If they were going to attack again, staying inside wouldn’t keep her safe. Outside, the air was cooler and smelled cleaner. Even during the summer, there were plenty of people around. She felt a little dizzy and her head hurt, but it was still a vast improvement over staying in bed. She started to walk, not really paying attention to where she was going, and was surprised when she ended up near Drakken’s lair.

She wanted to go inside, to go into Shego’s room and curl up in her bed and let the other woman hold her close. It would be so easy, and then she could sleep. She was so, so tired, and she’d barely slept since Wednesday. _Since the last time I slept with Shego._ That was the last time she’d felt any amount of safety, and she wanted it back. But she was dating Grace, and she didn’t want to hurt Grace the way that Ron had hurt her. _I’m better than that._

She turned around and started walking back to her apartment. As she walked, she continued thinking about Shego. Specifically, everything that Shego had done yesterday. Months ago, the other woman had said that she wanted to help Kim work through her problems so she could have a sparring partner. But that didn’t explain some of the things she’d done recently. Last night, she’d volunteered to go up by herself against an unknown number of armed fighters. That was dangerous, even for someone as powerful as Shego; as far as Kim knew, her catsuit wasn’t bulletproof, and her skin definitely wasn’t, and there hadn’t been a lot of room to dodge bullets. She could have been killed — or at least seriously injured — and yet she hadn’t even hesitated before saying that she would handle it on her own.

And there was also the kiss. _In case this goes badly, I wanted to do that one more time._ Kim had no idea what to make of that. She knew she should’ve pulled away, but she’d been so shocked that she hadn’t even thought of it. _And,_ a traitorous part of her mind whispered, _it felt really nice to be kissed by Shego again._ She tried to push that thought aside. Shego’s kiss had been so full of emotion, and when she’d tried to do it again…Kim hadn’t wanted to turn away. She had to, of course, because of Grace. But if she wasn’t dating Grace… _Stop that._ Fortunately, she was finally back at her apartment. She collapsed into bed immediately, so exhausted that even those thoughts couldn’t keep her awake anymore.

When she woke up again, she felt even worse than when she’d gone to sleep. She dragged herself into the shower, then looked at her face in the mirror. Her skin was pale, the bags under her eyes were concerning, and her eyes looked much duller than normal. Overall, she looked like shit. _Well, I feel like shit too._ She was lightheaded and her dizziness had gotten worse, and the combination made her feel like she was about to pass out. Her pounding headache definitely didn’t make it better, and it was difficulty to think; it felt like her head was full of cotton. _How am I supposed to work tomorrow?_ She’d slept maybe eight hours in the past three days, and she needed more than that if she was going to be in the lab tomorrow morning. _I can’t call in sick two weeks in a row._

She needed sleep, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep alone, or with Grace. She didn’t want to go to Shego, but she wasn’t sure if there were any other options, and she couldn’t think clearly enough to figure it out. She texted _Can I come over?_ It felt stupid to send such a _normal_ message to Shego; it sounded like she was asking to hang out with a friend, not sneak into her archenemy’s lair. Shego quickly replied in the affirmative, and Kim set off towards the lair. In her exhausted state, the distance seemed insurmountable, but before she knew it, she was standing in Shego’s room. Actually, she wasn’t entirely sure how she’d gotten there; it felt like a big chunk of time had been cut out of her day.

“Kimmie, are you okay?” Shego sounded genuinely concerned.

Kim shook her head. “Can I go to sleep?” Shego nodded, and Kim gratefully crawled under the blankets. Shego moved to join her, but Kim said, “Is it okay if I sleep by myself?” She felt like a jerk, coming to Shego’s room and asking to sleep in her bed, without her, but she couldn’t think of any other choice. She needed sleep, so she needed to be with Shego. But she was also dating Grace.

Shego didn’t look happy about the request, but there was something unexpected in her eyes. Not even a little anger…maybe pain? Kim’s mind was too muddled to sort it out. “Sure Princess. You’re safe here. You can sleep now.” _Safe._ It was so stupid, that she was safe here, in Drakken’s lair, where anyone who saw her would normally attack her. Anyone, including the woman whose bed she was lying in. _Safe._ She trusted Shego. She felt so safe right now. _You can sleep now._ She did.

–oOo–

When Kim woke again, she felt warm and safe, and more relaxed than she’d been in days. She rolled over — and found herself inches away from Shego. She was suddenly aware of the other woman’s arms wrapped around her. “I-I thought I was going to sleep by myself.”

Shego spoke carefully. “You did, but you woke up and asked me to hold you.”

Kim’s face felt hot. “I don’t remember that.”

“I’m not surprised. You were pretty out of it when you knocked on my door.”

“How long was I asleep?”

“Six hours.”

Kim sat up. “Six hours?!” She’d only planned on taking a short nap.

“You needed the sleep.”

Kim couldn’t argue with that. “What time is it?”

“Around 6:30.”

“I should—”

“Not happening Princess. I’ll make dinner, and then you’re going back to sleep.”

Kim wanted to protest. She _should_ protest. She should say something about Grace, or make an excuse about not taking up too much of Shego’s time, or anything that would get her out of this bed. But Shego had that _don’t even try it_ look on her face, and this was the first time she’d really slept in three days, so all she said was, “I have to work tomorrow.”

Shego rolled her eyes. “Then I’ll give you a ride back in the morning. Now stay here while I cook.”

After dinner, when Kim was falling asleep again, she felt a surge of guilt about where she was and who she was with. She was supposed to be lying in bed with Grace, not Shego. The older woman pulled her close, and Kim felt even more comfortable, which made her feel even more guilty. This was wrong. She shouldn’t be here. “I’m dating Grace.” It was supposed to be a quiet reminder to herself, but Shego heard it.

“Do you want to leave?” Kim hesitated. She _should_ leave. She should go back to her apartment, and lay alone in her bed, where she wouldn’t be able to sleep for more than a couple hours. The more she thought about it, the more unpleasant it seemed. And she really, really needed the sleep, so she pushed aside her conscience and relaxed in Shego’s arms. “Go to sleep Princess. They can’t hurt you here.”

Kim couldn’t understand why Shego was protecting her like this. Why she was willing to lay in bed with her half the day and all night and just hold her. Why she’d let Kim kick her out of her own bed. There had to be some reason, but Kim was finally safe, and she was too tired to think about it anymore. If Shego really did want to make Kim trust her so it was easier to kill her, it was working. Wrapped up in Shego’s arms, she went back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know the beginning of this was probably too dramatic and Shego's speech was kinda over the top, sorry for the unnecessary drama. But Shego finally figured out her feelings :)
> 
> The next chapter will probably also take a little while, hopefully faster than this one


	19. 139 days since breakup

Andy walked into the lab on Monday morning, just as Kim finished setting up her equipment. “Hold off on what you’re doing for today, I have some data that I need you to look at. You said you’re good with Python?”

“Um…yes.” She didn’t want to admit it, but that knowledge had already started to fade.

“Fantastic, I’ll send you an email with some instructions.”

He walked out of the room without giving her a chance to reply. She sighed and put away the equipment. She really didn’t want to look at data, but her job was to help Andy, and this was what he needed help with. As she read over his email, she was glad that she’d slept so much last night; this was definitely outside her comfort zone, and it would’ve been impossible in her previous brain-dead state.

Fortunately, she found that it was easier to write code when she had specific goals. She could google each step, and plenty of examples and tutorials appeared immediately. She just had to copy it and combine the pieces. There were still some things she had to do on her own, however, and that was enough to distract her from her thoughts of Hank. While she was very glad that she’d been able to sleep last night, it also mean that she had more energy to focus on those men, and how easily they could have killed her on Friday. So the work was a welcome distraction.

After she left the lab, she met Grace at a café for dinner. Unlike the last few times they’d talked, Kim was fully awake now, and she was painfully aware of how awkward things were. When they sat down, they both fiddled with their phones and didn’t say anything for several minutes. Kim kept thinking about the fact that she’d asked Shego to hold her last night — even if she hadn’t known she was doing it — and that she’d slept so well in the other woman’s arms. The guilt was almost overwhelming. To end both her thoughts and the silence, Kim said, “I had to start writing code again today.”

“How is it?”

“Google is amazing.”

The other girl laughed, and that simple exchange relieved some of the tension. For the rest of the meal, they talked about work, and by some silent agreement, avoided any serious topics. Kim wasn’t sure what she would’ve done if Grace had brought up Ron or her missions again, but she was grateful that the conversation remained superficial. That changed, however, when Grace asked, “Are you doing anything tomorrow night?”

Kim looked away and bit her lip. Tomorrow was their three month anniversary, and they hadn’t talked about it at all. Grace had been gone for a week and a half, and then Kim had been attacked, and now everything was uncomfortable. Kim couldn’t help comparing it to their one month anniversary, when Grace had cooked for her and she’d baked for the other girl and everything had felt perfect. “I’m not sure. Um, are you?”

“I don’t know either.”

Kim nodded. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Grace repeated.

After that, they finished eating quickly. Grace walked Kim back to her building and gave her a kiss goodbye, and Kim practically ran into her apartment; she wanted to get inside before she started crying. As soon as the door closed, she sank to the ground and hugged her knees to her chest.

She knew she should move. Sitting here like this, she would be such an easy target if they came back, but she couldn’t find the energy to get off the floor. Everything had been going so well until Hank had attacked. Until then, they’d never had any major fights, but now, after just one argument, they were tense and awkward around each other. They weren’t even going to see each other on their three month anniversary. _This sucks._

She was still sitting in the same spot when she heard her window open. She held her breath and listened carefully. One person came in, then the window closed, and Kim started breathing again. If these were Hank’s men, there would be at least four or five, so this was probably Shego. She could hear the person moving around the apartment, almost completely silent, and her doubts vanished. No one else moved like that; if she hadn’t been listening closely, she wouldn’t have heard a thing. Still, she didn’t stand up or say anything. She was glad that the other woman was there, but that only made her feel worse. She shouldn’t be happy to see Shego right now. But that didn’t stop her from feeling relieved when the other woman sat next to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. Shego’s hand slid up and down her arm, and the motion was soothing, and Kim relaxed against her. _This is so wrong._ She shouldn’t let Shego comfort her, now, after that conversation with Grace. She opened her mouth to say something, but Shego beat her to it. “I know Princess, you’re dating Grace.” Kim nodded wordlessly. She didn’t want Shego to leave. “They won’t hurt you, okay? I’ll keep you safe.”

Kim just shook her head. “It’s not them.”

“Tell me what’s wrong.” She shook her head again, and Shego didn’t push her. Eventually, after Kim finally stopped crying, Shego asked, “Do you want me to stay tonight?”

 _Please._ “No.”

“Will you be able to sleep?”

“Probably not.”

“I don’t want them to hurt you.” Kim was surprised by the hard edge in Shego’s voice as she said that; it almost sounded like a threat. More quietly, she added, “I won’t let them do that again.” Kim turned to look at her, and she suddenly realized how close they were sitting. Still, she found herself unable to move, surprised by the intensity in Shego’s face. The older woman met her gaze, and Kim saw her eyes flicker down to lips. Feeling a little shaken, she pushed away from Shego and stood up. Apparently sensing that Kim wanted to be left alone, the other woman said goodbye and left quickly. Kim leaned against the counter and buried her head in her hands. Sitting with Shego had been comforting, but it hadn’t fixed the real issue — her relationship with Grace. She didn’t know what to do, or how things had gotten so messed up. Well, she would have plenty of time to think about it tonight. _I won’t be sleeping much anyway._

–oOo–

The next morning, Kim got a message that Shego would be coming by at night. _It’s not like I had plans with Grace…_ She pushed that thought aside and tried to figure out how to use MatLab. When she got back to her apartment after work, Shego was waiting on the couch, so Kim put her bag away and went to join her. Before she could sit down, however, Shego asked, “Do you have any alcohol? I could really use a drink.”

The request caught her off guard. She hadn’t expected Shego to stick around for that long, but she went to her kitchen. “I have vodka,” she offered.

“You have anything to mix it with?”

“Um…I have coke and orange juice.”

“Great.” Shego joined her in the kitchen and took the vodka and coke out of her hands, and mixed two drinks. Kim felt her stomach roll over when she looked at the cups. One for Shego, and one for her. If she drank, her balance would be off and her reflexes would be slow. “What’s the matter Princess? You don’t like vodka?”

“No, it’s just that if they come back tonight…I need to be able to fight them off.”

“Kim, do you trust me?” She nodded. “I promise they’re not coming back. You don’t have to worry about them anymore.”

Kim just stared at her, trying to process what she'd said. “You—”

“Take your drink and let’s talk.” Kim could still think of plenty of reasons why she should _not_ be drinking with Shego at 6pm on a Tuesday, specifically _this_ Tuesday, but she did as she was told and followed Shego back to the couch. “I had a chat with Hank today. He wants to get rid of you because you’re costing him too much money. I told him that I’ll do a hell of a lot worse if he takes away my chance to kill you.”

Kim waited for more, and when Shego didn’t say anything else, she said, “ _Hank_ wanted me dead?”

The other woman shrugged. “He’s a businessman Princess. He would save a lot of money if you were out of the picture. But now it’s in his best interest to leave you alone.”

“What if he comes after you?”

Shego smirked, which was annoying because Kim was completely serious — she’d been terrified of Hank’s men for over a week, and now she was worried about Shego, and the other woman thought it was entertaining _._ “He’s afraid of me. He knows I don't make empty threats, and I made a couple threats this morning.”

She nodded and stared down at the drink in her hand; she still hadn’t taken a single sip. “Are you sure they’re not coming back?”

“I promise, they won’t be back. You’re safe now.”

 _I’m safe now._ After the past week, that thought was a little unreal. Right now, sitting in her apartment, she was safe. No one was going to come through the door and attack her. When Shego left, when she was sleeping alone in bed tonight, she would be safe. It was almost too good to be true, but she trusted Shego. Some of her thoughts must have shown on her face, because the other woman said, gently, “You should have a drink.”

“Y-yeah.” She raised the cup to her mouth and took a large sip, wincing at the burn of the vodka. Shego had made the drink much stronger than Kim normally would, and she knew it wouldn’t take much for her to feel the effects. She continued taking small sips as she tried to process what Shego had done. The other woman was acting very casual, like this didn’t mean anything, but Kim knew she could have been killed when she went to see Hank. For the second time in four days, Shego had risked her life to help Kim. This time, she hadn’t even told her before she did it, hadn’t given her the chance to argue or insist on helping. No one had ever risked their life for her before, and Shego had done it twice without even hesitating.

She suddenly remembered how disappointed Shego had been, on Friday, when Kim hadn’t kissed her. Kim wanted to give that to her now. She wanted to give her _anything._ Before she could think about what she was doing, she lunged forward and kissed Shego. She poured all of her gratitude into the kiss, trying to give back everything that Shego had given her. However, it only lasted a few moments before the other woman pulled away.

“Princess, you have a girlfriend. I want to kiss you so fucking bad, but I don’t want you to do anything you’ll regret.”

The sheer _consideration_ shocked her, but it also upset her. “You need to stop doing things for me. I owe you too much already.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

That caught her off guard. Shego was a villain. She didn’t do things for free; there was always something in it for her. _What the hell is happening?_ Kim wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so she just nodded. “Thank you.” She leaned into Shego again, and the other woman didn’t push her away. She went to take a sip of her drink, and realized the cup was empty. _Maybe that’s why I kissed her._ Kim suddenly realized exactly what she’d done. _Fuck. I kissed her._ And she wanted to do it again and…

“Do you want another drink?” Shego asked.

Kim knew she should say no. That first drink had been stronger than she was used to, and she was definitely feeling the effects, and it had been enough for her to do something really stupid, like _kiss Shego._ “Yeah, thanks.”

Shego stood up, and Kim immediately missed her warmth. _This is really, really bad._ When the other woman came back, Kim forced herself to _not_ lean against her; if Shego thought it was strange, she didn’t comment. When they’d finished their second drinks, Shego said, “I think it’s time for me to head out.”

She got off the couch, but Kim grabbed her wrist, pulling her back. “Please stay?”

“I should go Princess. I’ll see you on Thursday night, the normal time, kay?”

 _Thursday night…?_ Kim smiled. Shego wanted to spar again. “Yeah, see you then.”

She left through the window and Kim stared after her, trying to process her own feelings. She’d kissed Shego. This hadn’t been like last time, when the other woman had kissed her and Kim hadn’t pushed her away. No, this time, it had been all her. She hadn’t even meant to, it was just…Shego had done something huge. Over the past week, actually, Shego had done so many things for her, and Kim didn’t even want to imagine where she’d be without her help. _Probably dead_ , she thought, remembering the sound of a gun firing in her kitchen.

Shego had put herself in danger several times, without Kim even asking, and god, Kim felt like she could never thank her enough. When Shego had said that Hank would leave her alone, that she didn’t have to be afraid anymore, Kim had been willing to give her almost anything. And she knew Shego wanted to kiss her, and it was so easy to give that to her…it was just a way to thank her. Right? She wasn’t sure, and that was more than a little frightening. Did she kiss Shego because she was grateful, or because she wanted to? It was hard to separate out her feelings for the other woman, and the alcohol wasn’t helping. It was a mix of gratitude and safety and maybe something else, something she didn’t want to think about. Maybe something that made her want to kiss her. Or maybe that last part didn’t even exist, and she was just desperate to pay back some of what she owed.

 _This isn’t fair to Grace._ It wasn’t, but the idea of breaking up with the other girl was also painful. Still, she needed to sort out her feelings for Shego, and even thinking about that made her feel guilty. Like she was betraying Grace. _Which I am._ For the past week, she’d been turning to Shego for safety, comfort, and support, and rejecting those things from Grace. She’d slept Shego's arms so many times, and had wanted to be with her on every other night — even when she was with Grace.

And she’d kissed Shego. That first kiss on Friday had barely been real — she’d been too shocked to object — but the one today had been very, very real. She felt like she was halfway down the path to turn into Ron. _I refuse to be like him._ She didn’t want to break up with Grace, but she couldn’t even think about Shego without feeling guilty because of Grace. _I need time to think._ She took a slow, deep breath and thought about her options. Then she took out her phone and texted Grace, asking to talk tomorrow night. _This will be okay._

–oOo–

Kim wished she was still too exhausted to think or feel anything. Then, she would be able to excuse this as some poorly thought out mistake, and it wouldn’t hurt so much. But no, she'd slept well last night, knowing she was _finally_ safe, and now she was sitting on her couch with Grace, and she was really going to do this. She wanted to cry, but she didn’t have the right to cry to Grace. No, this was her fault, and she needed to own up to it.

The other girl clearly knew that something was wrong. “You said you wanted to talk about something?”

She’d had so many difficult conversations over the past few months — with Ron, her parents, her friends, Shego — but none of them had prepared her for this. She was sitting next to a girl who loved her, and she was going to hurt her. Kim wanted to look away, but she didn’t. “I…” This was even harder than she’d expected, and she wanted to take it back, to say something else. _Anything_ else. But Shego had kissed her, and she’d kissed Shego, and she didn’t know what she wanted anymore, and she couldn’t keep doing this to Grace. “Can we take a break for a little while?”

Grace stopped breathing. “Is this because I want to go on missions?”

“It’s not…just that.” It was true, Grace had been stubborn and jealous of Ron, but it was just their first fight, and there were fights in every relationship. No, this was mostly about Shego, and that made Kim feel even shittier. She looked away in shame. “There's just some stuff I need to figure out.”

Even though she wasn’t looking, she could feel Grace watching her. “Is there someone else?”

“What?”

“I don’t want to think like that after how my ex acted but…is there?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, and it felt _awful_ to say that out loud. Then again, it had been pretty terrible to hide it too. _That’s why I have to do this._

“Who is it?”

Kim didn’t want to answer, but she owed this to Grace. “My sparring partner.” If she was saying this, she was going to say all of it. “The stuff that was happening with my missions…someone was trying to kill me. And she helped, a lot. It’s over now. She, um, she fixed it, and I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m not sure if I’m just really grateful or if it’s something else, and I don’t want to hurt you the way that Ron hurt me. I just need a little time, okay?”

Grace was silent for so long that Kim got uncomfortable. “Grace?”

“I’m…They were trying to _kill_ you?” Before Kim could even answer, she kept going. She was crying now. “I wish I could have done something—”

“There wasn’t anything you could do.”

“But there was something she could do.” Grace’s spoke quietly, without anger, but Kim flinched. She knew that wasn’t the full sentence. _There was something Shego could do. Like Ron. Not like Grace._ “Kim, I love you, but I don’t know if I can be with someone who isn’t sure if they want to be with me.”

Her chest felt tight. “I just need a little time. Grace, please…”

The other girl searched her face for a long time, and Kim found it harder and harder to hold back tears. Eventually Grace said, softly, “Two weeks, okay?”

Kim nodded and whispered, “Okay.”

“I’ll see you later then.”

“Yeah, I…I’ll see you.”

Kim waited for Grace to leave, then broke down sobbing. She wasn’t sure what she wanted, but she knew _this_ wasn’t it. She didn’t want to hurt Grace like that. Grace was always so kind and understanding and really deserved someone with a less fucked up life than Kim, and she’d just walked out of the apartment in tears. No matter how much this hurt for Kim, she couldn’t imagine how much worse it must be for the other girl. Grace really, really loved her, and she hadn’t done anything to deserve this. For Kim, it still hurt _a lot_ , but it was also entirely her fault. She’d kissed Shego. She’d pushed Grace away. And if she was hurt, or if Grace was hurt, she couldn’t blame it on anyone but herself.

If this was how Ron had felt, she could almost understand why he hadn’t told her. It would’ve been so much easier to keep everything quiet, to let Grace be blissfully ignorant. But she wasn’t Ron, and she wasn’t going to hide from this. If she got hurt, it was her own fault. _Fuck._ She went to the kitchen and took out the bottle of vodka. _Drinking to ignore problems can lead to a dependence on alcohol._ She had to be in the lab tomorrow. She put the vodka away and went to her freezer. _Ice cream is a good substitute for alcohol._

–oOo–

Kim wasn’t sure if she was looking forward to fighting Shego on Thursday night or if she really just wanted to avoid it. She was excited to spar; they hadn’t done it in almost two weeks, and she missed the freedom and stress relief. But she was also nervous to be around Shego now, knowing that she’d — at least temporarily — broken off a good relationship because of her. So when she got there on Thursday night, she didn't give Shego any time to start a conversation before they began fighting.

The sparring was exactly what she needed. Her and Shego moved back and forth effortlessly, and it was the perfect balance of relaxation and focus. She was aware of everything the other woman was doing, but she didn’t have to think about it. She could let go of her feelings and that awful conversation with Grace; right now, all that mattered was the simple pattern of the fight. Eventually, Kim knocked Shego legs out from under her, and the other woman didn’t try to get up. Instead, she leaned back and stretched her arms above her head.

“Damn, I needed that.”

 _That’s what you usually say when I make you hot and sweaty._ She could imagine Shego’s reaction if she said that again, so she just sat next to her and replied, “Me too. I missed fighting you.”

“So, you holding up okay?”

“Huh?”

“Since you don’t have to worry about Hank anymore.”

“Oh, right, that. Yeah, I’m okay.”

“What did you think I was talking about Princess?”

She looked at the ground. “Grace and I are taking a break.”

She wasn’t sure what she was expecting from Shego. Maybe a kiss, or a smirk, or a sarcastic comment. But when she looked up, she saw the other woman watching her carefully. “That’s what was happening on Monday?”

“Yeah. I mean, it just happened last night. But yes.” She could see the other woman putting the pieces together, realizing that she’d asked Grace to take a break the day after she'd kissed her. She decided to change the topic before Shego could ask anything else. “So what has Drakken been up to?”

She hadn’t expected an answer, but Shego said, “He’s working on his mutant flowers again.”

“Nothing evil?”

Shego smirked. “Like I would tell you if he was?”

“Maybe I can make you tell me,” Kim challenged, even though she knew she couldn’t.

“I’d like to see you try.” And then they were fighting again. Kim found herself smiling as they traded blows. She really had missed this, more than she wanted to admit. For the past week, she’d felt so weak and scared, like she’d needed Shego to protect her. But now, she was fighting her, and holding her own against her, and it made her feel strong again.

This time, Shego threw her off balance first, and she ended up on her back with Shego on top of her. She didn’t make any effort to push her off, and she found herself glancing back and forth between Shego’s eyes and lips. She remembered what Shego had said the other night — _I want to kiss you so fucking bad_ — but the other woman was holding back for some reason. After a few more seconds, she leaned down and pressed their lips together, and Kim responded immediately. She was glad she was laying on her back, because she felt dizzy, both from the warmth of Shego’s body pressing against her and from the intensity of the kiss. When the other woman pulled away, Kim needed a moment to catch her breath. She looked up and saw Shego smirking at her, like she was aware of exactly what effect she was having on the younger girl.

“So Kimmie, why are you and Grace taking a break?”

Just like that, Kim’s good mood faded, and she looked away. “I don’t want to be like Ron.”

“Does that mean there’s someone else?”

Kim knew what Shego was actually asking, and she answered honestly. “I don’t know.”

Shego smirked and leaned closer again. “Let me know if you need any help figuring it out.”

 _Shego is_ flirting _with me._ The kiss, the teasing questions…it was all intentional. She wasn’t sure why it was such a shock, but she hadn’t been expecting it, and she blushed for some stupid reason. Her tone was much more serious than she’d intended when she answered, “I will.”

“Good.” Shego was still close to her, and Kim was starting to feel a little overwhelmed. She wasn’t ready for whatever Shego was doing. The flirting, the teasing…it was nice, but it was a bit too much for her. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling, and she couldn’t handle this right now.

“Please stop.”

Shego searched her face for a couple seconds, then rolled off to lay next to her. She was still a little too close, but at least they weren’t touching anymore; that made it easier for Kim to get her thoughts in order. It also helped that she couldn’t see Shego’s face anymore.

She suddenly remembered Grace yesterday, sitting in her apartment, crying. Why should she be here, flirting with Shego, when she’d caused _that?_ She sat up and pressed her head in her hands, trying not to cry. “Kimmie? Are you okay?” Shego’s voice, which had been teasing just minutes ago, was now full of concern.

Kim shook her head, and she let Shego sit next to her and pull her close. She leaned into the other woman. “I hurt Grace.” A sob shook her body. “She didn’t deserve it.” If she’d been looking, she would have seen Shego flinch.

“It’s gonna be okay Princess.”

Kim pulled away, almost violently, and jumped to her feet. “Stop being so nice to me! I don’t deserve it. I’m just like Ron. I-I hurt Grace…”

Shego approached her slowly. Kim was shaking and she couldn’t seem to stop, and she meant every word she’d said. She was a terrible person. The things she’d done with Shego weren’t right, and now she was doing it again and it felt even worse. She didn’t deserve Shego’s kindness. But when the older woman wrapped her arms around her, Kim held on tight. When Shego guided her back down to the ground, Kim let the other woman hold her and cried against her shoulder. She imagined Grace crying by herself in her apartment, with no one to comfort her. She remembered what Monique had said about her and Ron. _Why’d you do it? You had something great going with that boy, you know._ And Jess _She’s head over heels for you_. No, Grace never would have done this. Kim didn’t deserve to have someone hold her while she cried, not when Grace was alone. But she didn’t pull herself out of Shego’s arms for a long time anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so Kim's moral compass finally kicked in and now she has two weeks (technically thirteen days, by the end of this) to figure her shit out. I know everyone really loves Kigo, including me, but her relationship with Grace is also very real and means a lot to her, and I hope that still came across in this chapter. Even if she spends a lot of (literally) it in Shego's arms


	20. 144 days since breakup

Kim was woken on Saturday by her phone ringing. She picked up without looking at the caller. “Hello?”

She was greeted by Jess’s slightly annoyed voice. “Girl, do you have any idea what time it is?”

“No.”

“It’s almost noon.” Jess seemed like she was expecting Kim to say something…

“Oh, right.” She’d forgotten that she was supposed to talk to Jess at eleven. “Can I call you back in fifteen minutes?”

“Fine, but you better not go back to sleep.”

Kim hung up without answering and buried her face in her pillow, even though she had no intention of sleeping again. This was the worst possible time for her to talk to Jess. Her friend was almost certainly going to ask about Grace, and Kim didn’t think she could lie well enough to hide what was going on. _It’s okay. I don’t have to tell her everything._ She hadn’t told Jess when she broke up with Ron; she could hide parts of this too.

A few minutes later, she was dressed and sitting on the couch with her laptop. She opened the computer and clicked the link that Jess had sent her, and her friend’s face appeared on the screen. In spite of everything, Kim smiled; it was really, really good to see Jess again. It had been almost a month since they'd seen each other in person, and the other girl was smiling too. “So Kim, what’s new?”

Kim laughed, then started telling Jess about her work in the lab. Unlike Grace, the other girl understood what she was talking about, and interrupted frequently with questions — not that they were unwelcome. It was nice to have a real conversation about chemistry instead of just lecturing about it. Jess sympathized with her about MatLab; she’d been using it at her internship too.

“Apparently it’s _a useful skill that will help me advance my career.”_ The last part was said in an obnoxiously cheerful voice that made her laugh again. She wasn’t sure who Jess was parroting, but she’d clearly heard that line a few too many times. It seemed like she was enjoying her internship for the most part, even though Kim thought it sounded a little less interesting than her work. She kept that last part to herself.

Eventually, Jess asked the question she was dreading. “How’s Grace?” It was two words. Just two simple words, and they made her feel sick. She looked away from the camera. “Kim, is everything okay?” Her friend sounded genuinely alarmed.

“We’re taking a break.”

“What happened?”

Kim hesitated. She’d never talked about anything this important with Jess. They’d gotten closer after she broke up with Ron, but still… “There was some stuff with my missions that was getting intense, and she kept trying to help. She wouldn’t listen when I said it was too dangerous.” All of that was true, even if it wasn’t the full truth.

“Did she follow you on a mission?”

That possibility hadn’t even occurred to her, and she now she was just glad that it had never happened. “No, but she wouldn’t back down and… Can we talk about something else?”

“Uh, sure. How’s your family?”

That wasn’t a much better topic, but she forced herself to smile and talk her brothers’ plans for college; she’d reached out to ask about that and congratulate them on graduating, but they’d respected that she didn’t want to talk about anything else. After a couple minutes, she ran out of things to say, and asked Jess about her boyfriend.

“He’s great! He’s actually coming to visit me next weekend, we’re going to…” Kim allowed her attention to drift a little as Jess spoke. She was happy for her friend, she really was, but her bright smile just made her think of Grace. Of how happy they’d been, and how she’d ruined it. She tuned back in as Jess was saying, “…sorry if I’m making you think about Grace or anything, I don’t want to make you feel bad, I’m just so happy. Do you think it’s too early to say that I love him?” Kim wanted to shut her computer and pretend that she’d never heard that question, but she couldn’t. She had to be there for Jess.

“I don’t think so.”

“When did you tell Grace?” Kim wasn’t sure what to say. She didn’t want to admit that she’d never said it, that she didn’t think she’d ever really loved her. Maybe she could make something up, or try to remember when Grace had told her. Before she could decide, Jess said, “Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to…you know.”

Kim forced a smile. “It’s fine.” She tried to act like she was paying attention while Jess kept rambling about Cameron. Six months ago, it would have been impossible to imagine Jess saying that she loved a boy. Now, it seemed almost natural. Kim just listened and nodded, trying to be happy for Jess, and trying really hard to _not_ think about Grace.

–oOo–

Kim was glad she was sparring with Shego the next day. She hadn’t stopped thinking about her conversation with Jess, and she knew that fighting would distract her. She’d gotten drunk last night, but it hadn’t really helped; she’d just felt like shit this morning, and she still didn’t feel great. It was almost a relief when Shego attacked. She didn’t need to think about the fact that Jess loved Cameron and Grace loved Kim and Kim had never— She was lying flat on her back on the ground. Shego offered a hand to pull her up, and she took it gratefully, feeling embarrassed about how easily she’d been knocked down. It was pathetic that, of all the things that had happened to her, _this_ was the one that distracted her from fighting.

“Kimmie, are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah, sorry.” Her face was bright red. Shego was probably judging her so much right now. Kim threw herself at the other woman, determined to forget about everything. Forget about Grace, forget about Jess, forget about _whatever_ Shego was making her feel. Just fight. Just move and breathe. Her muscles burned a little, and she let the pain help her focus.

When they sat down after, Kim reached up to rub her shoulder, trying to relieve some of the tension in her muscles. She really hadn’t been taking care of herself for the past two weeks; she hadn’t even stretched before this fight, and now she was paying for it. She was only vaguely aware of what Shego was doing, and was surprised when she felt the other woman touch her hand gently. “Let me help.” Kim started to protest, but Shego just took her hand and placed it on the ground, then moved to sit behind her. She pressed her fingers into Kim’s shoulders, and Kim gasped as a gentle heat pulsed through her muscles — Shego’s plasma. “See Princess, I know what I’m doing.” The words were spoken so close that Kim felt the other woman’s breath on her neck, and it made her shiver. Shego’s touch felt so good, and not just because of the plasma. Every movement felt electric, and Kim leaned into the touch. Shego felt so strong and solid behind her, and the other woman’s hands were working magic on her sore muscles, and she thought she’d be content to stay there for as long as it took for Shego to finish this. Then she remembered Grace’s hands running along her back and shoulders while the other girl kissed her. She remembered Grace pulling her hand away after they fought. _I don’t deserve to be happy._ She pulled away from Shego. “I should go.” She didn’t look at Shego. She didn’t want the other woman to know she was crying about this, and she didn’t want to see her concern. She knew Shego would ask her to stay, and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to say no. Shego believed she was better than this, had always believed it, and she would try to convince Kim that she was a good person. It wasn’t true, but if Shego kissed her again, like she had on Thursday, Kim might believe anything she said. She didn’t want that. Not right now.

She ran away, until she was sure Shego wasn’t going to follow her. She’d thought it would be easier to think about Shego now. That she would feel less guilty if she wasn’t dating Grace. And maybe that was true — she didn’t feel like she was betraying Grace anymore. Instead, it felt like she’d already betrayed her, and she didn’t deserve to be happy. She couldn’t just hurt Grace and then pretend that everything was okay. She couldn’t flirt with Shego and kiss her and act like Grace didn’t exist. That two week deadline suddenly seemed both too long and too short. Four days had already passed and it felt like so much had happened between her and Shego, but she was no closer to understanding her feelings.

She walked back to the clearing where they sparred, expecting to find it empty. Instead, she saw Shego sitting there, staring up at the sky. Surely she would have been more comfortable if she went back to her room in Drakken’s lair. There was nothing for her here…except maybe Kim. _She was waiting for me to come back._ Until now, Kim hadn’t been certain if Shego was flirting with her for fun or if the other woman really cared. But now she knew; there was no reason for Shego to stay unless she genuinely wanted to make sure Kim was okay. Kim allowed herself a small smile. Shego cared about her. And she thought she might care about Shego too. Not as a source of protection, or as a friend, but as something more. She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, watching Shego, but she was still there when Shego went back to her hovercraft and left. _What the hell am I going to do?_

–oOo–

Kim was eating lunch on Monday when her Kimmunicator went off. “Hey Wade.”

“Hey Kim, long time no speak!” It was true, there hadn’t been any missions in at least a week. Which was good, because Kim hadn’t been in any state to handle them, physically or mentally.

“So what’s the sitch?”

“Dementor’s been spotted in a factory about an hour away. Not sure what he’s up to yet, but I’ll keep you posted.”

“Ride?”

“It’ll be there in ten.”

“Thanks Wade. You rock.” She glanced regretfully at the rest of her lunch — she’d eaten less than half, and she wouldn’t get to finish it — then ran down to the lab, rushing to clean up her equipment and tell Andy she was leaving. Fortunately, he’d been understanding when she told him about her missions, provided she didn’t leave out any dangerous chemicals. It actually took fifteen minutes until she was able to get to the helicopter, but the pilot didn’t seem to mind waiting.

While she was in the helicopter, Wade called to say that the factory made specialty holiday statues. It was supposed to be closed right now because there weren’t any holidays coming up, so Dementor had taken over. Kim thought it was a little odd that there wasn’t some sort of timeshare for factories like this, but she decided to just be glad that she wouldn’t have to worry about rescuing any workers. After parachuting down to the ground, she crept through a side entrance and looked around for any sign of Dementor. She started to feel a little nervous as she walked through the factory; she’d gotten used to having someone hunt her, and now she was actively running _towards_ trouble instead of away. She couldn’t stop herself from worrying that something was going to go horribly wrong.

She pushed those thoughts aside and peered around a pile of crates, and saw Dementor standing nearby. He was frozen with a fist in the air and a sneer on his face. She didn’t spot any henchmen, which was odd. She was about to duck back behind the crate when she noticed something even stranger — it looked like Dementor wasn’t blinking. She waited a few more seconds to confirm, and realized that she couldn’t see any movement at all, even though that couldn’t be a comfortable pose to hold for very long. Especially with that facial expression. Cautiously, she walked out from behind the crate and went closer, growing more and more certain that this wasn’t really him; the real person would have said something by now. Still, she was worried that it might be a trap. She started to think about how easy it would be for someone to hurt her here. There were piles of crates, and she was standing in between them, and if someone was trying to trap her— She dug her fingernails into her palm, hard enough that it started to hurt, and the pain made it easier to breathe.

By that point, she was almost at the not-Dementor. This close, she could see that he wasn’t breathing. In fact…she cautiously touched his arm, and found that he was made of plastic. She suddenly felt stupid. They were in a factory that made statues. This was a statue of Dementor. _Then where’s the real Dementor?_

As if that was some sort of cue, a forklift drove out from between two rows of crates. It was a large one, more suited for construction sites than warehouses, and, unsurprisingly, Dementor was driving it. “Ah, Fraulein Possible. Have you come to foil my plans yet again?”

She planted her hands on her hips and tried for her normal confident, almost cocky, look, even if she really just wanted to run out of there and cry. She pressed her fingernails harder against her palm. “Sorry, but this factory is closed for the season. Did you need new decorations for your lair, or are you just afraid of Christmas gnomes?”

“No, it is even worse! I have discovered that Harry Potter World has statues of fake Dementors! Disgusting things with skeletons and black cloaks. I think this uniform is _quite_ the improvement.”

Kim almost laughed. He wanted to replace statues of Harry Potter Dementors…with statues of himself. Even after years of fighting with Drakken and Motor Ed, this was probably the stupidest plot she’d ever heard. “You know those are book characters, right?”

“They are a shame to the Dementor name! I cannot allow you to stop me. Henchmen, attack!”

When Kim saw the henchmen emerging from two different directions, her first instinct was to run and hide. _No. These aren’t Hank’s people. They won’t shoot me. I don’t need Shego to protect me._ She took a deep breath as they approached. She’d fought them plenty of times before. This was no big, right? Her breathing was speeding up, and she couldn’t seem to slow it down. The henchmen were getting closer and she couldn’t focus, she just remembered the bullet firing in her apartment, the bullet passing her head in the car, the smell of burning flesh. She dug her nails into her palm again, hard enough to draw blood. _Focus. I’m Kim Possible. I can do anything._ She didn’t have space to run anymore, so she jumped behind the statue and shoved it forward, into one group of henchmen. It wasn’t particularly heavy, but it still slowed them down.

She launched herself at the first henchman from the other group, and it took all her self-control to keep from flinching as he raised his arm to block her. She wasn’t going to give these men any reason to think she was an easy target. She was just as good as Shego, and she didn’t need protection. She focused on the man in front of her, and the men surrounding her, and within a few minutes they were all on the floor. But there was still another group behind her, and she didn’t even have time to panic before she spun to face them. She just kept moving, directing all her energy into her arms and legs, pushing aside the anxiety, ignoring the pain when she hit someone with her left hand, the hand that had five tiny red marks carved into it.

By the time she was done with them, Dementor was gone, but Kim didn’t really care; he wasn’t being evil, just stupid, and she had more important things to worry about anyway. Now that she wasn’t fighting, all her anxiety was returning. She ran out of the main factory, until she found an office that was unlocked. She pushed the door open, then slammed it closed and sat back against it, breathing heavily. Logically, she knew she was fine. She’d fought off Dementor’s henchmen, and she was safe. But mentally she was caught in that moment when they’d emerged from around the crates and she’d been so certain that she was going to die.

She couldn’t slow her breathing, and her hands were tingling, and she was starting to feel dizzy. It took her a few more moments to realize that she was having an anxiety attack. She tried to focus. She knew how to handle anxiety attacks, she’d had them in high school, and she’d helped Jess before. Except in high school, she’d always just curled into a ball and waited for it to end, and she’d forgotten how bad it really was. The memories of lying in bed under her blankets, hugging a pillow tightly against her, didn’t help either. Imagining what Bonnie would say if she saw her, how everyone would look at her differently, how her parents would treat her, like she was made of glass. Now that it was happening again, she realized that it was really, really hard to ground herself. That was what she’d always been told, to concentrate on things she could see or hear or smell, but it was too much. She couldn’t think of anything besides her rapid breathing and cramping hands. _And my face is numb._

She squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her forehead into her hands. Shego’s voice popped into her head. _There’s nothing wrong with how you feel._ The other woman had said that to her, once. She tried to remember that moment. There was nothing wrong with being afraid. _I promise, they won’t be back. You’re safe now._ She remembered Shego holding her on her couch, and how protected she’d felt. She concentrated on it until she almost convinced herself that it was real. That if she opened her eyes, she would see Shego protecting her. _I’m safe now. I’m safe now._

It took her several minutes to realize that her face wasn’t numb anymore. She leaned her head back against the door and focused on her breathing. Her heart was racing, and that made it harder to calm down, but eventually, she was able to breathe again.

The anxiety attack had left her feeling a little weak, but she was still proud of what she’d done. She’d fought a group of henchmen. She’d foiled an evil plan. She’d done it for real, by herself. Two weeks ago, that would have been so small, but now it felt huge; it was the first time in over a week that she’d actually fought her own battle, and she’d come out on top. Still a little dizzy, she called Wade and asked for a ride home.

–oOo–

Kim stretched while she waited for Shego on Thursday night. Her muscles were already a little sore; she’d started exercising every morning, and as much as she enjoyed it, she was a little out of practice. But it made her feel better about her life. The feeling had started on Monday, after that mission with Dementor. It felt like she was taking control instead of just letting things happen to her. She was Kim Possible, the girl who could do anything, and she was able to solve problems on her own. At least, that was what she told herself. It was hard, harder than she wanted to admit, and her first instinct was still to hide in her apartment so she couldn’t get hurt. It was hard for her to believe that she’d changed so much just in two weeks.

She thought about some of the other stuff that had happened over the past six months. Finding out that Ron was cheating on her. Getting cut off from everyone in Middleton. Being attacked outside a bar. It had taken a lot less than two weeks for those things to change her, and a lot longer for her to bounce back. Sometimes, she wasn’t sure if she _was_ completely back. She was different now, she knew she was, and there was no going back. But she didn’t want this constant fear to become her new normal.

“Penny for your thoughts Princess?”

“Oh, just thinking about how I’m going to beat you.”

Shego smirked. “Keep dreaming.”

Kim feigned annoyance and stood up, eager to start fighting. Shego was a problem. Maybe not a problem, but still…Kim wasn’t sure what to think about her. They’d fought last night too, and Shego had been a little less flirty than before. On one hand, she'd missed it. On the other, it had been nice to be able to think clearly for an entire conversation; it was hard to concentrate when Shego was kissing her or touching her. She still didn’t know exactly what she was feeling, and the flirting hadn't helped. It had just confirmed that Shego was interested in her, which she’d already known. Really, if she was honest with herself, she’d known since the night when Hank’s men came to her apartment, when Shego had kissed her before going out to talk to them, in case things went wrong and she couldn’t do it again. She’d just been ignoring it until now. _If only_ my _feelings were that clear._

Even though they hadn’t gotten into their fighting stances yet, Kim said, “Wait.” Shego looked at her expectantly. “Walk in circles with me. Please.” The other woman nodded. Kim wasn’t sure what to make of the look in her eyes, but Shego understood what Kim wanted to do. The last time they’d circled each other like this, they’d been training more than fighting, challenging each other to come up with more creative attacks and counters. They’d been perfectly aware of each other, and Kim hoped this would help her figure out what she was feeling.

As they rushed at each other over and over, Kim still wasn’t sure what she was thinking, and she decided to just let her confused emotions melt away. She didn’t have to think about those, she just had to think about her next move, and Shego’s next move. Despite the intense concentration, it was almost a relief to focus on something so simple.

Kim tried to keep fighting for as long as she could, and was embarrassed when she was the one who asked to stop. Shego didn’t seem to mind though, and sat across from her without complaint. Kim’s muscles had already been sore before they’d started, and now they were even worse. _Definitely not working out tomorrow._ She rubbed her burning muscles, hoping that Shego would take the hint and massage her shoulders again. But even though the other woman was looking at her, she didn’t offer. Shego just watched her, her expression neutral. Kim didn’t like that look. She wanted to see Shego smirk, or laugh, or smile. Sitting with her now, Kim’s mind felt clearer than it had in days — the fighting had done its job. She knew what she wanted; she wanted Shego to kiss her, or touch her, or just hold her for a little while. If the flirting was any indication, the other woman wanted that too. So if Kim said something, right now, she could probably have what she wanted. _I don’t deserve to be happy._ Maybe she didn’t, but she still wanted to be. She cared about Shego too, and she was tired of pushing her away because she felt guilty about what she’d done. She wasn’t dating Grace right now, and there was nothing stopping her…except herself. _I’m such an idiot._ She’d already hurt Grace. If she chose to be happy now, that wouldn’t hurt her more; it was already done. She met Shego’s gaze evenly. _I want to be happy._

She needed to say something. Maybe apologize, maybe just tell Shego what she was thinking. Maybe kiss her. She’d just figured out what she was going to say when Shego looked away. “Do you want a ride back to your apartment?”

The moment was over, and the words died on her lips. She looked down at her lap. “Yeah, thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said we would see Shego’s perspective in this chapter, and I came really close to including it, but it fits so perfectly in the next chapter that I had to put it there. BUT it will be literally the first thing in that chapter, and that will be up this weekend. It will also have more Kigo, I know this chapter was a little lacking. Sorry for keeping you waiting!


	21. 150 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is way shorter than any of my other chapters (like, 1300 words shorter), but it’s probably my favorite, and I’ve had most of it written for a while. I hope you guys like it too!

Shego was obsessing over Kim and she knew it. Since Drakken was working on _real science_ for once, they never saw each other outside of sparring. Ever since that one amazing kiss last week, the younger girl had been distant. She’d outright refused Shego’s attempts to flirt, so she'd backed off a little, given Kim the space she'd seemed to want. But Kim had stayed just as distant, and Shego was starting to think that she’d seriously fucked up. Kim had kissed back with so much passion but…maybe she just felt like she owed her that kiss. She’d mentioned that before, feeling like she owed Shego for something. Or maybe she still wanted time to think about it. Or even worse…what if Shego wasn’t the _someone else_ that she’d mentioned? Shego had been so sure of it, and all the signs had pointed towards her, but now Kim was acting like nothing had ever happened between them. Like nothing was happening now. Shego wasn’t used to feeling insecure, but she couldn’t get this off her mind.

She needed to do _something_ to distract herself, so she texted a friend and asked her to go out tonight. No, not a friend, more like…an acquaintance. Someone who she could call to drink and dance and maybe fuck if that was what it would take to get her mind off this. She really wanted to dance with Kim and sleep with Kim — with the girl she loved — but some meaningless dancing and sex would be a welcome distraction. Hell, if she kept her eyes closed, maybe she could pretend she was with Kim anyway.

She put on a tight black dress and a leather jacket to cover her arms, and she told Alyssa where to meet her. She looked hot and she knew it, and Alyssa wouldn’t be able to keep her hands off her. _If Kim doesn’t want this, that’s on her._ Shego wished she could believe it, but even the thought felt half-hearted. She wanted Kim to want her, in any and every way. She would've been happy to just sit in her room with Kim, to hold her and talk all night, and that would’ve been better than having sex with anyone else. But it wasn’t going to happen, and she needed to hold _someone_ to get rid of the loneliness. She tried to pretend Alyssa could substitute for Kim, but she knew it was a lie. She wanted Kim, and only Kim, but Kim didn’t want her. She felt the prickle of tears in her eyes, and she wiped them away angrily. She was Shego, world-class thief and supervillain. She didn’t cry over people, and she sure as hell didn’t cry over her enemy. She hadn’t cried because of anyone in years, not since she left Go Tower, and she wasn’t going to start now.

Suddenly the idea of dancing was a lot less appealing, but like hell was she going to sit in her room all night feeling sorry for herself. Besides, there was a hot girl waiting for her, even if it wasn’t the right hot girl. She walked out into the main lair.

Drakken called, “Are you all dressed up for karaoke night?” He sounded like a child, and she really didn’t like the way he was looking at her. She didn’t even stop long enough to throw plasma at him.

“Fuck off.”

He was too stunned to reply, which was probably good for his health. She fumed all the way to the club, but it was hard to be angry when Alyssa immediately pressed against her and handed her a drink. The other woman was clearly a little drunk already, and was being very forward about what she wanted. Shego supposed she had to accept some responsibility for that; she’d left Alyssa by herself for longer than she’d meant to.

Alyssa was a good dancer, even if her hands wandered _a lot_ , but that was what Shego was there for. She was there so she wouldn’t have to think about Kim and the fact that the younger girl probably didn’t fucking _want_ her, so she was going to drown her problems in alcohol, and in this woman she didn’t actually care about. She was going to forget all about the fact that she’d fucked up her own feelings by falling for Kim and thinking that Kim might feel the same way. So when Alyssa rested a hand on her arm, Shego pulled her closer without hesitating. When the other woman’s hands moved up and down her body and came to rest on her hips, Shego didn’t push her away. But it wasn’t enough. She was still thinking about Kim. So she put one hand behind Alyssa’s neck and pulled her in towards her mouth. It was a great kiss and she knew it; Alyssa had always been a fantastic kisser, and that was what had led Shego to bring her back to Drakken’s lair that first time and spend all night in bed with her. Still, it didn’t feel nearly as good as that one kiss with Kim last week. But she pushed into it more aggressively anyway, crossing the line of what was decent for a public space, and it definitely helped, at least a little. Eventually, Shego had to pull away. She looked up and— _Fuck._

–oOo–

Kim missed Grace. She’d been so comfortable in their relationship, and she wanted to see the other girl, wanted to talk to her. It didn’t help that none of her friends were around during the summer, even if she was glad that Jess wasn’t here to press her for details. It had been easy enough to hide what was going on during a call, but she knew she wouldn’t have gotten off that easily in real life. Not without revealing more than she wanted to, anyway. At the end of the day, Kim was lonely, and she wanted to talk to Grace, not necessarily as her girlfriend, but at least as a friend. She wandered aimlessly around campus, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. When she reached the library, she walked in and immediately moved towards the table where they usually studied. Kim smiled in relief when she saw that the other girl was there.

“Um…hi.”

Grace looked up and smiled reflexively, before the expression faded. Kim literally watched the happiness drain from her eyes, and it made her want to curl into a ball and hide. “Kim…” Grace’s voice was so, so soft. “I can’t do this. It hurts too much, okay?” She silently wrapped up her laptop charger and slid the charger and laptop into her backpack, not looking at Kim. It took just long enough for Kim to feel a hard knot of despair sinking into her stomach. Grace stood and touched her arm gently, still not making eye contact. “I’ll see you in a week.”

And then she was gone, and Kim was alone with the empty chair. She collapsed into it and tried not to cry. This was all her fault. She’d hurt Grace so much, and she hadn’t confronted her feelings for Shego. This had been her choice, but it felt like it was spiraling out of control.

 _Who can I talk to?_ She knew the answer. She couldn’t explain this situation to anyone, couldn’t admit that she’d asked Grace to take a break just because she _might_ like someone else. _Especially_ her enemy. Usually she would talk to Shego about things like this, but that wasn’t an option. Not this time. She rested her elbows on the table and leaned forward, pressing her head into her hands. Her first instinct was to go to Shego for help. It always had been. Even though Grace had been so kind and understanding, she’d still wanted Shego whenever she was hurt or confused. If she’d figured that out earlier, maybe she could've avoided hurting Grace. But now it was too late for that, and she still hadn’t talked to Shego, and she had less than a week to figure out what the hell she was going to do.

She felt so alone, and depressed, and guilty, and she desperately needed to take her mind off this. So that night, she dressed up and went out to a club. She wanted to lose herself in the music and the mess of bodies dancing, maybe even lose herself in someone else, if that was what it would take. At first, she was tense and awkward, but gradually she felt herself starting to relax. She had one drink, not enough to make her drunk, but enough to soften everything she was feeling. She danced with a few different people, people who she’d noticed were also drifting around. People who, like her, just moved with the music, and didn’t seem to expect too much from any one person. At some point, she noticed someone standing across the room. The woman was wearing a tight black dress with a leather jacket, and even though Kim couldn’t make out any features in the dark, she could tell that she was really, really hot _._ Kim wanted to dance with her, and she immediately decided that, if she was going to sleep with someone tonight, it was going to be that woman. As she got closer, squinting in the dark, she suddenly realized that she knew the woman. It was Shego. _Of course I think she’s hot_ , she thought with amusement. She continued walking in Shego’s direction. _This is my chance._

As she made her way over, however, she saw someone touch Shego’s arm, and Shego pulled her closer without hesitation. Even though she’d barely caught a glimpse of her before, Kim recognized the other woman immediately; it was the person she’d seen Shego with months ago. Someone grabbed Kim’s arm and pulled her to dance with them, and she let her body move on autopilot, eyes fixated on Shego. The other woman’s hands moved up and down Shego’s body, eventually settling on her waist, and Kim was suddenly furious with her, wanted to step between them and push her away from Shego, then put _her_ hands on Shego’s waist and dance with her. Instead, she watched as one of Shego’s hands slid behind the stranger’s neck, pulling her into a fierce kiss. The person Kim was dancing with seemed to realize she wasn’t interested and moved on, leaving Kim standing frozen in the middle of the dance floor, watching Shego kiss someone who wasn’t her. Someone she’d slept with before. Kim’s mind was running a mile a minute. She’d been so sure that Shego cared about her, with the way she’d protected her and how passionately she’d kissed her and all the recent flirting. But back when they’d had sex, Shego had said it didn’t mean anything. What if the recent kisses also didn’t mean anything, and the flirting really had been for fun? Maybe she’d been reading too much into it. Shego was here, with someone she’d been with before. What if…what if she _wasn’t_ just casually sleeping with this other woman? What if she meant something to Shego, or…god, had she really been that _stupid?_

Shego’s eyes suddenly locked on Kim and widened in surprise. She started to push away from the other woman, but Kim had already seen more than enough. Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears and she felt sick, and she ran out of the club, already crying. She kept seeing flashes of Shego holding that woman’s head between her legs, that woman touching Shego as they danced, their lips connecting, the way Shego wrapped her arms around the other woman and pulled her body closer. That woman had no right to touch Shego like that, but Shego clearly hadn’t minded. _This hurts so much._ Was this how Grace was feeling right now? If so, she felt even worse about what she’d done.

When she got to her apartment, Kim took out a bottle of vodka, the one she’d been drinking with Shego. The one she’d bought as a sign that she was able to move past that first attack — a sign that she was fixing her life. It was so fucking ironic to drink it now. _Drinking to ignore problems can— fuck it._ This was all her fault. No one else had screwed this up, it was all on her. Grace wouldn’t even look at her, and Shego was dancing with some stranger, maybe someone she cared about. Right now, they could be in the bathroom at the bar, with the stranger shoving Shego’s dress above her waist, or Shego sliding her fingers into that woman and pressing her against the wall. She’d been so stupid to think that Shego saw her like that. Her relationship with Grace was irreparably damaged no matter what, and Shego… Kim desperately needed to turn off her thoughts, so she started drinking. She eventually ended up on her back on her couch, though she wasn’t entirely sure how she’d gotten there. She hadn’t been keeping track of how much she was drinking, but she couldn’t remember ever being this drunk before. Even the action of sitting up to pick up the bottle made the room spin around her, and all the lights seemed too bright. She let her head drop back onto the couch and faded into unconsciousness.

She was woken by Shego shaking her shoulders. She sat up slowly and tried to piece together what had happened. She had no idea how long she’d been asleep and she was definitely still drunk, but the walls didn’t move when she sat up, and the mind-numbing fog had cleared a little. Shego handed her a glass of cold water. “I was about to throw this on you, but now that you’re awake, you can drink it instead. And you need to stop drinking so much, because I’ve been trying to wake you for 20 minutes.” Kim stared at her blankly. Shego seemed really, truly upset, and Kim couldn’t figure out why. “Take the goddamn glass or I’m still going to throw it on you.” She nodded and took the water.

“What the fuck happened?”

Kim ignored the question and asked the one thing she really cared about. “Are you dating her?”

“Who?”

“The woman you were dancing with.”

“Why the fuck would you think that?”

“Because of that time when I opened your door and you were having sex with her and now you were with her again and—”

“When you _what?_ ”

Kim was vaguely aware that she might have said something wrong, but the alcohol made it hard to think clearly and she kept rambling. “When I wanted to talk to you and I opened your door and you were with her and I don’t want you to be dating her.”

“What the fuck do you mean—”

Kim cut her off by standing up and kissing her, pushing her back a few steps. She stumbled a little, still drunk, and Shego helped her stay upright, holding her close. “I don’t want you to be dating her,” she repeated, still close to Shego’s mouth. And maybe it was because of the alcohol, but the rest of the world felt blurry and she couldn’t think of anything besides Shego’s lips and how beautiful she was and how much she loved her. She _loved_ her. How had she not realized it before? She’d spent so much time avoiding this, but it felt so _right_. “You’re mine, she doesn’t get to have you.”

She grabbed the front of Shego’s jacket and tugged her closer as they kissed, and the older woman wrapped her arms around Kim’s waist and walked them towards the couch. She pushed Kim to sit and knelt over her lap, tilting her head to kiss her more deeply.

Kim pulled back and stared into her eyes. _I love her._ She kissed Shego again and channeled her emotions into the kiss. _I love her._ Shego cradled her face in her hands and their bodies pressed together, and it felt like she was drowning in those feelings. It was all so perfect, and she wanted to freeze this moment and live in it forever. _I love her. I love her. I love her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I promised, both Shego’s perspective and more Kigo. And Kim finally figuring out her feelings. Hope y’all liked it


	22. 151 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is officially at more than 100,000 words, which feels a little unreal. This is my first fic ever, and I definitely wasn't expecting it to be this long when I started. As people may have noticed when I reply to comments, I have no idea what I'm doing like 80% of the time, but I'm glad that some people seem to like it. Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting, it makes me very happy to know that people are enjoying it.
> 
> Also, the idea of the last chapter being a drunken dream didn't even occur to me until people brought it up in the comments. So it was real :)

When Kim woke in the morning, she was laying against something warm and comfortable. Still half asleep, she tried to press closer to it.

“You up Princess?”

She opened her eyes slowly. Her head was pounding, and she really just wanted to stay in bed with a blanket over her head. As soon as her eyes were open, she realized two things at once. First, she was naked. Second, so was Shego. _And third, Shego is in naked in my bed. What the hell happened last night?_

“Yeah, I’m up.”

“You know, you really need to drink less.”

Even though she knew Shego was right, Kim rolled her eyes and pushed away from her, trying to hide her confusion. “I’ll be back in a minute.” She got out of bed and looked around on the floor, hoping to find a t-shirt. Unfortunately, both her and Shego had worn tight clothes last night, so she just sighed and walked to the bathroom, still naked. She turned on the light, then winced and switched it off again. She brushed her teeth to get rid of the awful taste in her mouth, and found some ibuprofen to help with the headache. Then she tried to sort out her memories from the night before. She’d gone out and seen Shego dancing with that woman. Then she’d gone back to her apartment and had a lot of alcohol. Too much. _That explains the hangover._ She tried to remember what had happened after that. Shego had been there and they’d been kissing and _I love her._ The thought brought her up short. She hadn’t said that, had she?

Was it true? Did she love Shego? Even before her and Grace had taken a break, she’d always wanted to be around the older woman. And she’d never felt a surge of jealousy like the one she’d felt when she saw Shego at the club. She’d wanted to tear the other woman’s hands off her, and make sure that woman was afraid to go anywhere near her ever again. Shego was _hers_ , and that woman had no right to touch her. The intensity of her reaction scared her. She’d never felt like that before, and she realized with a shock that she wouldn’t feel like that if she saw someone else touching Grace. She would be upset, of course, but she wouldn’t feel this intense jealousy, this desire to claim her as hers and only hers.

She couldn’t help but compare the two women. Grace was kind and gentle and always made sure Kim knew how much she cared. But Shego…Shego wasn’t normally gentle with anyone, but for Kim, she sometimes made an exception. She was usually rough and intense and passionate, and she never needed to tell Kim that she cared; it was obvious in the way she acted and spoke and touched her. Shego had always insisted that Kim was strong, even when she wasn’t, and she’d never blamed her for feeling hurt or weak or afraid. _Does Shego love me?_

If Shego loved Kim, why would she have been at that bar, kissing someone else? _Why was I at that bar, willing to sleep with someone else?_ The thought surprised her, and her entire perspective shifted. She loved Shego. But still, she’d gone out, danced with other people, prepared to have sex with other people. Why couldn’t Shego be the same way? There had been something in her eyes when she’d pulled away from that other woman…something more than shock, more than guilt. _She came after me. When I left, she came after me._ It would’ve been so easy for Shego to stay there, to stay with that other woman for hours or even overnight. She hadn’t even known that Kim was such a mess, but she’d apparently felt so _awful_ about letting Kim see her with another woman, that she’d needed to chase her, apologize, make sure she was okay.

She thought she knew if Shego loved her.

She left the bathroom and climbed back into bed, still naked, and just stared at Shego for a minute. _I love her._ It felt _true,_ more than it had ever felt when she’d tried to convince herself that she loved Grace. _Grace…_ She pushed all thoughts of the other girl out of her mind. She would deal with that later. She had other things to think about now. She wanted to ask if Shego loved her, but she was afraid. Afraid that maybe she was wrong.

“Do you regret it?” The question surprised her.

“Huh?”

Shego rolled her eyes. “Do you regret sleeping together while you were drunk?”

Kim’s face flushed. “Oh, um, no. Do you regret it?”

“Nope. But I should get going.”

Kim tried to hide her disappointment, but she wasn’t sure if she succeeded. “Oh.” The other woman got out of bed, but Kim reached out impulsively and grabbed her wrist. “Wait.” She sat up and pulled Shego into a long, heated kiss. “Are you sure you have to leave?”

“Yeah, it’s Drakken’s birthday and he’ll get all whiny if I don’t get back soon.”

Most of Kim’s disappointment vanished. Shego wasn’t leaving because she wanted to, she was leaving because she had to. She couldn’t stop herself from asking, “And if it wasn’t his birthday…?”

Rather than answering, Shego leaned down and kissed her again, and Kim was left breathless when she pulled away. “I’ll see you around, kay?”

She was still trying to make her brain work again, and she could barely form a reply. “Uh huh.”

With one more smirk, Shego was gone. Kim stared after her dumbly. _I love her._ It was true. Regardless of what Shego felt, Kim loved her. And that meant she had to have a very difficult conversation with Grace. _Fuck._ Kim pulled the blanket back over her head and buried her face in her pillow. This was an issue to deal with when she was less hungover. _Much_ less hungover.

–oOo–

Kim didn’t text Grace until the next morning. She knew it was wrong, and she should’ve done it as soon as she realized she loved Shego, but she'd needed a little time to think it through. She was going to talk to her, of course, it was just…hard. Even though she loved Shego, she’d spent three and a half months with Grace, and she still cared about her a lot. She’d already hurt Grace once by asking to take a break, and now…this would be even worse, and she didn’t want to do it. Honestly, she just wanted to curl up in Shego’s arms and never leave. _And that’s why I have to do this._

She texted Grace, asking if she could come over today. Kim almost hoped the other girl would say no, but of course she didn’t. Kim paced around her apartment nervously. What if she was making a mistake? She hadn’t heard from Shego since she left yesterday. Of course, it had only been one day, and there was no reason to think she would, but she wanted to hear _something_. She wanted confirmation that this meant something to Shego too, that she wasn’t throwing away her relationship for no good reason. _There is a good reason,_ she reminded herself. _I love Shego._ That thought calmed her a little. That was why she had to do this. Even if Shego didn’t feel the same way, she couldn’t stay with Grace when she loved someone else.

That was what she told herself, over and over, until she heard a knock on her door. Grace usually projected her emotions so clearly, but now her face gave away nothing about what she was feeling. Did she hope Kim had chosen her? Did she know what was coming? Kim wasn’t sure; the other girl seemed nervous more than anything, which wasn’t really surprising.

They sat on the couch, and Kim was painfully aware of the space between them. She tried to speak. “Grace, I…” She couldn’t get the words out. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh.” Grace wouldn’t look at her, and Kim still didn’t know what to say. “Do you love her?”

The question caught her off guard, and she desperately wanted to lie. She didn’t want to hurt Grace any more, and she knew how much this would hurt. It was the same way she’d been hurt when Ron said he loved Yori too much to lose her. Even if she understood why he’d lied, she couldn’t be like him. She had to be honest, and Grace wanted to know if she loved Shego. “Yeah. I do.”

Grace still wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I guess I should probably be leaving then.” They were the exact same words she’d used that first night, the night Kim couldn’t have sex with her. The first time Kim had pushed her away. She got off the couch, still not looking at Kim.

“Grace, wait—” Kim reached out to grab her hand.

Grace pulled her hand away without even looking. “I need to leave, Kim.” Her voice was harsh and Kim wasn’t sure how she knew, since she couldn’t see her face, but she was almost certain the other girl was crying. She’d made Grace cry. _Again._

Kim just watched her leave; there was nothing she could say that would make this easier. She felt numb, empty. Grace had been amazing to her, had never done a single thing to hurt her, had _loved_ her. And Kim had just done _that_ to her. There hadn’t been a choice, it had to happen. But it still hurt so much.

Her apartment suddenly felt too small, too full of memories. She was sitting on the couch where she’d just broken up with Grace, where they’d watched movies and made out and just sat together, enjoying each other’s company. She couldn’t get up and go to the bed where they’d had sex, then laid naked and talked for hours. Or the kitchen, where they’d cooked together. She needed to get out, and before she knew what she was doing, she found herself leaving the apartment and running to Drakken’s lair — running to Shego.

_Do you love her?_

_Yes. Yes, I love her._

She opened the door to Shego’s room without knocking, without even warning her that she was coming. She found Shego in her kitchen, cooking dinner. “Hi.”

“What’s up Princess?”

“I broke up with Grace.”

Shego didn’t speak for a moment. “Are you okay?”

“No.”

The older woman nodded, and Kim realized she still hadn’t looked at her. “Sit. I’m making dinner.” Kim knew it was better not to argue, so she sat and watched Shego cook.

She wasn’t sure what was happening between them now, and she was afraid to ask. Were they dating? In a relationship? Neither? What did Shego want? _What do I want?_ The answer was simple; she wanted Shego to be hers, and only hers. But that might be complicated…Shego was a villain, and she was used to taking whatever she wanted. What if she didn’t want Kim, or she didn’t want _just_ Kim?

It was too much to even think about right now. She’d just broken up with Grace, and if Shego didn’t want her…that would be more than she could stand. She rested her forehead on the edge of the table and started crying, silently. A few minutes later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up into Shego’s face. _Does she love me?_

She wanted to ask, but it was so hard. If Shego didn’t love her, she wouldn’t be able to bear it. Not right now. It was better not to know. Instead, she said, “Can you kiss me?”

Shego smiled, a real, gentle smile that Kim had never seen before, and leaned down to kiss her softly. _I love her so much._ And she thought Shego loved her. She sat there, staring up at Shego, who still had one hand on her shoulder. _I have to know._ She could feel her heartbeat in her fingertips. “Kiss me again.”

She did, then pulled back and smirked down at her. “What’s up Princess? Can’t get enough—”

“Do you love me?”

Shego looked startled, maybe even scared. Her hand tightened on Kim’s shoulder, then released it. _Oh._ But then Shego walked around to sit in the chair next to her, facing her. She asked, “Do you love me?”

All of Kim’s fears rushed back. What if she was wrong? But it was too late to back out now. “I um…I…” She was terrified of saying it, terrified that Shego didn’t feel the same way. She looked into Shego’s eyes, and suddenly everything was clear. She managed to whisper, “Yes.”

“Say it.”

“I…I…” This hadn’t been so hard with Ron. Then again, Ron had been her best friend for their entire lives. Everything had felt easy and natural, and saying it had almost been a formality. And she’d said it after having her memory wiped, so she hadn’t been thinking clearly anyway. She’d never felt something this intense before, with anyone. She reached forward with one hand and shakily ran her fingers through Shego’s hair. Shego’s face softened slightly, though the intensity in her eyes didn’t fade, and Kim felt a little calmer. She remembered waking up pressed against Shego yesterday, kissing her on Friday night when everything else was blurry, crying in her arms so many times. Shego freeing her in Drakken’s lair, flirting with her when they fought, threatening the people who had tried to kill her. The gentle way Shego held her and touched her and kissed her. _I love her._ “I love you.” Shego leaned forward and kissed her and it was amazing and she _knew_ , she could tell just from the kiss, but she had to make sure. “Do you love me?”

Shego pulled back and looked into her face. “Yes,” she breathed. “Yes, I love you.” Even though she’d _known_ , it somehow still surprised her. Shego kissed her again. “I love you.” It was a whisper, like she couldn’t believe she was saying it, but her voice was certain. _She loves me._ Kim tangled her hands in Shego’s hair and kissed her again. It was a little awkward, with the space between their chairs, but she still wanted to do this forever, just stay right here, kissing Shego.

Unfortunately, she barely got to do it for one more minute before the other woman pulled away. “I need to finish cooking dinner.” Kim thought that was a pretty poor reason to stop, but she let her go anyway.

 _Shego loves me._ The thought made her smile again. She hadn’t meant to ask, but now she was glad she had. She still had no idea what was actually happening between them, but she decided that she could keep that as an issue for another day; she didn’t want to ruin her happiness. They ate dinner quietly; it was clear that Shego was thinking, and Kim didn’t want to bother her. She knew that Shego didn’t share her emotions often, and this was a big change for her.

After they ate, Kim asked, “Can I stay here tonight?”

Shego shrugged. “Sure.” She got up to get pajamas for both of them.

Kim really wanted Shego to look at her again. She hadn’t made eye contact once during dinner. In fact, she hadn’t made eye contact since they said they loved each other, and it was driving Kim a little crazy. “I have to be in the lab tomorrow morning.”

Another shrug. “Okay.”

“Shego.” The other woman paused but didn’t turn to face her. “Please look at me.” Finally, Shego turned around and met her eyes, but Kim still had no idea what she was feeling.

“Let’s go to bed.”

Kim nodded, but she felt so lost. She loved Shego, and Shego loved her, and that was incredible. For a few minutes, everything had felt perfect, but now it seemed like the other woman was pulling away again.

Once they were in bed, she curled into Shego, hiding from everything she was feeling. In the dark, where she couldn’t really see Shego anymore, she finally let herself think about Grace again. She’d hurt her so much, and she hadn’t deserved it. Grace deserved someone so much better, but she’d still ended up with Kim. With someone who had to go and fall for someone else. Shego wrapped an arm around her protectively, but didn’t try to pull her closer; it almost seemed like she knew what Kim was thinking. She was surprised when Shego said, “I love you.”

This wasn’t _right._ Kim shouldn’t be with her enemy. She should be with Grace, who was kind and caring and beautiful and loved Kim. She was everything Kim had thought she wanted in a relationship. But she’d ended that, knowing how much it would hurt Grace. Not _taking a break._ Just _breaking up._ She knew there hadn’t been a choice, but that didn’t make it easier to accept. She finally understood what Yori had told her, months ago. _Love is not always honorable._ “I love you too.”

Shego’s voice was quiet and gentle as she said, “It’s okay to cry Princess.” That was all it took for Kim to break down in tears. Shego didn’t comment, didn’t complain that she was crying over another girl, just held her and let her cry, let her _feel._ Shego had never made her feel bad about anything she felt. The older woman had seen her in all sorts of awful situations, but never seemed to think any less of her.

Kim was suddenly overwhelmed by how much Shego had done for her. She wanted so badly to find a way to thank her. If she could just show Shego how much it meant to her… Before she knew what she was doing, she was tilting her head to kiss Shego, hard and desperate. She was still crying but that didn’t matter, she just wanted so badly to thank Shego for everything she’d done. The other woman pulled away immediately, but kept one hand on the side of her face, gently, like she was afraid of hurting her. “Hey, none of that tonight.” She pulled Kim closer, and Kim cried against her chest, her whole body shaking as she sobbed. It was so hard to accept what she’d done to Grace, and she still felt like she didn’t deserve to be happy. She’d driven Grace out of her apartment in tears _again,_ yet she was laying in Shego’s bed. Laying in bed with someone she loved, someone who wasn’t Grace.

She whispered it out loud. “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

Shego placed a hand under Kim’s chin, guiding her so she was looking into her eyes again. “You do.” Kim shook her head. “Don’t argue with me Princess. You deserve to be happy.” Kim wanted to disagree, but Shego was giving her that _don’t even try it_ look. “Now, are you done with the stupid shit?”

“I love you.”

“That’s not stupid. Let’s go to sleep, okay?” Kim nodded. In spite of everything, she was relieved that Shego hadn’t pushed her away again. If the other woman needed some time to adjust to being honest about her feelings, well, Kim was okay with that. She tucked her head under Shego’s chin, and she felt so safe. So _loved._ It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep.

–oOo–

Shego sighed in relief when Kim’s breathing evened out, indicating that she was asleep. She knew she should be glad that Kim was here, sleeping in her bed, but right now she really just wanted to be alone and set something on fire. Or scream. Or cry. And she couldn’t do any of those because Kim was cuddled up close to her, looking all perfect and adorable, and Shego never wanted to let her go, and this was _literally_ everything she shouldn’t want.

She hadn’t wanted to admit that she loved Kim. It was supposed to be her secret, something she never shared with anyone, because it had the potential to seriously fuck up her life. Everything had changed so much in the past two days, and she couldn’t keep anything straight now.

It wasn’t supposed to happen this fast. When she’d found out that Kim wasn’t dating Grace anymore, it had given her some hope. Hope that maybe this could happen for real someday. So she’d flirted, and Kim had pulled away, and Shego had given her some space. And somehow that had led to Kim being unconscious with a half empty bottle of vodka, and Shego refused to acknowledge how scared she’d been. She’d been so relieved when Kim woke up, and then the younger girl had kissed her with so much _feeling_ , and she knew she should’ve left. That would’ve been the smart thing to do. Hell, even the moral thing, if she wanted to pretend she still cared about that. But the younger girl had practically torn her dress off, and Shego had wanted it so badly. Had wanted _Kim_ so badly. And at that moment, there was pretty much nothing that could’ve stopped her from having sex with the girl she loved.

In the morning, she’d been worried that Kim would regret it, that she’d fucked things up again. But Kim hadn’t regretted it, had even wanted her to stay. She’d been so tempted to give in, to just say _Fuck Drakken,_ but she’d done the right thing and left. She’d needed time to work through her thoughts anyway, and she knew Kim felt the same way. It hadn’t been _just sex_ to either of them; there had been real emotion behind it. And if she’d had any doubts about that, they’d been erased when Kim kissed her before she left.

After that, she’d expected to see Kim in a couple days, and for things to continue from there. They would keep sparring, and afterwards they would talk and flirt and hopefully kiss, and they would reach this point _slowly_. Slowly, so she would have time to think about all the consequences and exactly how this would have to play out. She definitely hadn’t expected Kim to barge into her room and say she loved her. And once Kim said that, there was no way she wouldn’t say it back.

 _Holy shit, Kimmie loves me._ That was probably the most amazing thing she’d ever heard, and she wanted to hear it over and over again. And that was the problem. She was pretty sure she’d do damn near anything Kim asked right now, and that wasn’t okay. It scared her. A lot. She was afraid of how much she cared about Kim. _Kim loves me._ Shego scowled, trying to push the thought out of her mind, but it wouldn’t leave. It overpowered everything else.

 _And I thought I was fucked before._ She breathed in the scent of Kim’s hair, and it calmed her a little. She’d worked way too hard to get here. To get to the point where she could fall asleep like this, holding Kim. This just meant she had to figure things out faster. Now that Kim was finally hers, she didn’t want to lose her. That would — _I did_ not _just think ‘break my heart’_ — hurt more than she wanted to imagine. But was Kim even hers now? _This is why I needed more time._

She wanted Kim to be hers, but she had no idea what the younger girl wanted from her now. Hell, she still didn’t fully understand what she wanted from Kim. She’d never let herself think about it because it had been a fantasy, or something that would happen in the distant future. Not now. But Kim really was laying here, in her bed, completely sober, just because she wanted to be there. “I love you,” she whispered, trying out the words again.

She focused on the feeling of Kim pressed against her. She was so warm, and this was so fucking real. She was really holding Kim in her bed. Tomorrow, she would wake up next to her. _I will not cry,_ she told herself, even as the tears started to fall. This was real. She had Kim here, with her. It wasn’t just a dream or a fantasy. This was what she wanted. So it had come at a different time and in a different way than she’d planned. But was she really going to fuck it up because of that? She held Kim more tightly and whispered it again. “I love you.” _I’m not going to mess this up._


	23. 154 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, I'm sorry this update took more than 2 weeks. I kept trying to make it positive and fluffy, but I've been dealing with some stuff lately and it made it really hard to write about happy things right now. Eventually I decided I just had to post this and move on to the next chapter. Sorry for all the angst, the next one will have more fluff

Kim showed up half an hour early to spar with Shego on Tuesday night. She’d been practically giddy for the last two days, so much that Andy, who was usually too distracted to pick up on emotions, had asked about it. When Shego arrived, Kim wasn’t sure if she would rather fight her or kiss her.

“You okay there Princess?”

Kim realized Shego was already in a fighting stance, and she was just standing there, staring at her. Her cheeks turned red. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She matched Shego’s stance.

Fighting Shego felt different now. Kim couldn’t put her finger on how. It wasn’t like their training, where they were perfectly aware of each other. And they’d always been able to predict each other’s moves. Now though…it felt almost like it was bringing them closer. Kim suddenly felt herself starting to fall; she’d gotten caught up in the moment and Shego had knocked her down. The other woman offered a hand to pull her up, and she took it without hesitation. Then, without warning, she yanked down hard, pulling Shego to the ground with her. The shock on the other woman’s face sent Kim into hysterics. Shego shoved her shoulder, then stood up again.

“Get up, we’re not done fighting.”

Kim didn’t protest, and they kept going. She was determined that Shego would end up on the ground this time, and it almost happened a few times, but in the end, the other woman knocked her down again. Kim tried not to get too frustrated; that would only make her fighting worse. Still, she hated losing to Shego twice in one day. Especially now, she didn’t want to give the older woman any reason to look down on her. But when Shego sat next to her, she decided that it was okay for today. She could beat her another time. For now, she just wanted to sit with the woman she loved. But as they sat there, Shego remained silent, and Kim started to get nervous. Eventually, she had to say something. “I missed you.”

Shego smirked. “I know I’m amazing, but it was only two days.”

That wasn’t exactly the response she’d been hoping for. She wanted to ask if Shego had missed her too, but it had been hard enough to ask about her feelings in the privacy of her room. Out here, in the open, it was practically unthinkable, so she just let the silence stretch between them. She couldn’t think of anything else to say, but she really wanted the other woman to acknowledge what had happened. She reached out, hesitantly, to rest her hand on Shego’s. The other woman didn’t pull away, and flipped her hand over to intertwine their fingers. Kim’s breath caught in her throat as she looked down at their joined hands. This was so soft, so much softer than anything she ever would have expected from Shego. She was overwhelmed by how much she loved her, and she wanted to say something about it, but she knew it would ruin the moment.

This was exactly what she wanted. To sit here with Shego, for them to be together. She wanted Shego to be hers, and it was so close, but she still had one more doubt. She didn’t want to risk ruining things between them, not when they were finally getting somewhere, but she needed to know. “Hey Shego?”

“Hmm?”

“Who was the woman you were with on Friday?”

Shego shrugged. “Her name is Alyssa. We go out sometimes.”

“Go out as in…?”

The other woman rolled her eyes. “We drink and fuck.”

Kim hated the image that immediately popped into her head, of the two of them together naked. She hated it even more because it was real. “You, um, you’re not going to do that anymore? Right?”

“Seriously?” She wasn’t sure what Shego meant, and that made her nervous. Was she upset that Kim was asking, or that Kim didn’t want her to have sex with other people? Shego yanked her hand away. “Why the _fuck_ would I be having sex with anyone else right now?”

“I’m sorry, I just…I needed to be sure.”

“Did you really think I would do that to you?”

Kim looked away. There was a part of her that had worried. That had thought that, even though Shego loved her, the other woman wouldn’t want _just_ her. In spite of everything, she couldn’t forget that Shego was a villain, and proud of it. If she wanted something, she usually just took it.

She tried to find something to say, but her silence had already answered for her. “Kim, what the fuck?”

“I just—”

“No, how would you feel if I said that to you?”

Kim didn’t even have to think about it. She would have been shocked, and hurt, and probably angry. But Shego was different. She was a villain. She did things that weren’t moral, and she hurt people. Kim felt like her fear was justified. Her thoughts must have shown on her face, because Shego demanded, “Is it because I’m a villain? Did you think I would do that just because I’m a _thief?_ ”

Kim looked down. “I’m sorry.”

Shego ignored her. “I thought you trusted me.”

It took her a moment to place the tone in Shego’s voice. She sounded almost…hurt. _Shit._ Shego always acted so strong, and Kim hadn’t realized she had the power to hurt her. She quietly answered, “I do trust you.”

Shego scowled at her. “You trust me to protect you. That’s it. I’m not a fucking bodyguard.”

Kim looked at her helplessly. She wanted to be angry at Shego, but the feeling just wasn’t there. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be.”

Kim almost flinched at the harshness. Her first instinct was to lash out in response, but she pushed it down. “I know.”

“I need…” Shego looked like she was searching for a word. “time. To think.” She stood up and started walking towards her hovercraft.

Kim’s throat was tight. “Please don’t leave.” Shego hesitated for a few seconds, then kept walking. Kim looked down at her empty hand, the one that had been intertwined with Shego’s. She could still feel the warm pressure of the other woman’s hand. It had been perfect, for just a moment, and now it was gone. _What did I just do?_

–oOo–

Kim didn’t hear from Shego the next day. She kept checking her phone, hoping to see a message or a missed call, but nothing appeared. It made her feel sick, especially because Shego was right. Kim trusted her with her life. But she was less certain about trusting Shego with her emotions, and that was much more important. Shego wasn’t a bodyguard, and Kim usually didn’t need one anyway. She’d been in some extreme situations with Shego in the last few months, but for the most part, she was more than capable of defending herself — even if it had been hard to believe recently. It was nice to feel protected, but it didn’t change the truth; she didn’t trust that Shego wasn’t going to hurt her.

She could easily imagine how she’d feel if Shego said the same things about her. She would be hurt, and shocked…almost betrayed. Shego was usually very private about her feelings, and she’d been so open recently, and Kim had repaid that by assuming the worst about her. But she still felt that her fear was at least a little justified. After all, Shego was a villain. She usually didn’t care about anyone’s thoughts or feelings. _But she cares about me._ That was more important. When Shego was with her, she didn’t seem evil, and she hadn’t for a long time. When Kim had been hurt, the other woman had always supported her, physically and emotionally. Shego had held her while she cried, over and over, stayed with her when she was scared, even told her it was okay to cry about Grace. Shego had never been anything but careful with her feelings, and Kim had every reason to trust her.

In spite of all of that, she’d told Shego that her job was the only thing that mattered. That Kim saw her as a thief more than anything else, even though it wasn't true. Kim was disgusted with herself. This wasn’t the first time she’d doubted Shego, but it was the first time since she’d realized she loved her, and it felt terrible. She loved her, and she was still treating her like this.

She remembered how hurt Shego had looked when she walked away. It scared her. Shego hadn’t stayed to talk, she’d just…left. She had no idea how long it would take for the other woman to get over that. What if she didn’t come back? What if this had been too much for her? Kim didn’t want to think about it, but she couldn’t get the thoughts out of her head. If Shego didn’t come back, it would be her fault.

She wanted to reach out to Shego and apologize, but the other woman had said she needed time, and Kim wanted to respect that. She knew from experience that it was sometimes better to have space to think about relationships; that was how she’d felt with Grace. So she resigned herself to checking her phone every five minutes, hoping to see something. When she went to bed, she still hadn’t gotten anything, and it made her cry again. _I really fucked this up._

–oOo–

When Kim got back from the lab the next day, Shego was sitting in her kitchen, and she almost cried in relief. The other woman didn’t even give her a chance to put her bag down before walking over. She put her hands on Kim’s waist and yanked her forward. “You are such a fucking idiot.” Then she kissed her, and Kim’s knees almost buckled like some sort of cliché.

“I, um, yeah. Idiot.” Shego smirked and Kim shook her head a few times, trying to get rid of the effect that Shego was having on her. “I’m sorry. I should have trusted you.”

“Yes, you should have.”

“Is it, um, do you forgive me?”

The other woman shrugged and kissed her again, but Kim pushed her away. “Shego, I’m serious. We should talk about it.”

Shego sighed and leaned back against the wall. “Kim, you fucked up. But this is new, and we’re probably both going to make a couple mistakes.”

Kim wanted to ask what _this_ was, but she held off. It wasn’t the right time. So instead she said, “Thank you.” Then she picked up on something else. “Did you just admit that you, the great Shego, can make mistakes?”

“Just trying to boost your ego Princess. Don’t get used to it.” Then her smirk faded and she looked away. “But, um, I should have stayed to talk about it. Walking away was a mistake.”

Kim was speechless. _Shego_ had just apologized. Then she remembered the expression on Shego’s face when she’d left. The hurt. It was so easy to forget that Shego could feel things like that. _This really means something to her._ That thought was immediately followed by another wave of guilt. She already knew this meant something to Shego, but here she was, assuming the worst about her again. Shego was being so open with her, and she kept doubting her. She was disgusted with herself. She hadn’t deserved Grace, and she didn’t deserve Shego either.

She suddenly realized Shego was still waiting for a response. She managed to say, “It’s okay.”

She couldn’t tell if Shego was satisfied with that, but the older woman stepped closer and kissed her again, intense and passionate. Her hands slid around Kim and under her shirt. She started to pull it off, and Kim broke away to protest. Shego just took advantage of the break to finish removing Kim’s shirt, then went back to kissing her. She started kneading Kim’s breasts over her bra, and Kim broke away with a gasp.

“Shego.” She meant for it to sound firm, but it came out as a moan.

“Yes Princess?”

Kim tried to speak, but Shego pinched one of her nipples and she moaned again. _She’s really, really good at this._ “S-stop.”

Shego stopped moving her hands, but left them where they were. “Is everything okay?”

Kim couldn’t get her thoughts in order. Shego’s hands felt really, really good on her chest, but this wasn’t how she wanted things to be. She didn’t want to settle their fights like this. In fact, now that she thought about it, she wasn’t entirely certain if Shego actually forgave her or if she was just there because she wanted sex. She took a deep breath, but it just pushed her breasts further into Shego’s hands, which definitely didn’t help with her concentration. Shego hadn't even wanted to talk until Kim had forced the issue. She knew that Shego loved her, and that the other woman would never just use her for sex. But all she could think about was how passionately Shego had kissed that other woman at the club, and how passionately she was kissing Kim, and how hard it was to see the difference right now. She had to say _something,_ and somehow she came up with, “If you just want sex, you should call Alyssa. I’m not going to put out for you whenever you want.”

She regretted the words as soon as they were out of her mouth. She hadn’t meant to say that, and it hadn’t conveyed everything she wanted to say. In fact, it had conveyed several things she didn’t want to say, and Shego took a step away from her. She looked like she’d been slapped, but her face quickly shifted to an impassive mask. Kim suddenly remembered that Shego had _apologized_ only a few minutes ago. She was putting in so much effort, and Kim had just… _Fuck_. Shego spoke slowly and carefully, and her voice had a hard edge to it. “If you don’t want to have sex, then we won’t have sex. But don’t _ever_ say that again.”

“I-I’m sorry.” The older woman picked up Kim’s shirt and threw it at her, with a little more force than necessary. Kim didn’t blame her. It really seemed like Shego was doing her best, and now Kim had made a horrible accusation again. She knew Shego wasn’t just using her for sex, but she’d been so confused that she’d said the first thing that came to mind.

“Shego?” Kim looked at her, but her vision was blurry, and she realized she was crying. “I’m really sorry. I-I didn’t mean it.” She saw Shego’s hard shell waver, then fall, and the other woman stepped closer and pulled Kim against her. Kim leaned against her chest and cried, whispering “I’m sorry” over and over.

Then her Kimmunicator went off. Kim quickly turned away from Shego and wiped the tears from her face, but she knew it was impossible to hide the fact that she’d been crying. “Hi Wade, what’s the sitch?”

“Monkey Fist is— Kim, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He opened his mouth. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“…okay. Well, Monkey Fist is stealing from a museum in Japan.”

“Any idea what he’s after?”

“Not sure yet. There don’t seem to be any monkey exhibits there. I even expanded the search to other primates and — nothing.”

“Huh, that’s weird. Keep me posted if you find anything else.”

“Will do. Ride will be there in ten.”

“Thank Wade, you rock.”

She put down the Kimmunicator shakily and turned to look at Shego again. She whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” Some of Shego’s walls were back up now, and she was looking at Kim carefully again. Kim’s heart sank. Shego was afraid of getting hurt. No, she was afraid of _Kim_ hurting her. And unlike when Kim had said it, this was completely justified.

“Please don’t leave again. I’ll be back soon and…and…”

“And we can talk about it?” Shego suggested.

“Yeah. We can talk.”

Shego nodded, but she was still looking at Kim so carefully. “You can’t keep doing this.”

“I know. I, um, I should go.” Shego stepped out of the way. “I love you.”

Shego hesitated before replying. “Go save the world Kimmie.”

Kim almost took out her Kimmunicator and told Wade that _fuck_ the mission, he could call in GJ or even Ron to stop Monkey Fist, or he could get away with stealing for all she cared. Right now, she just wanted to stay here and fix things with Shego. She’d just said even more awful things, and now Shego was pulling away, and it was entirely Kim’s fault. But she just walked past Shego and out the door, blinking away the tears in her eyes.

She was unusually quiet on the ride to Japan, and it was all she could do to keep from crying in front of the pilot. She couldn't stop thinking about the expression on Shego’s face when she’d told her to go see Alyssa. Kim loved Shego so much, and she was doing everything wrong. She kept assuming that Shego cared less than she did, but right now, it seemed that the opposite was true. Shego hadn’t made any assumptions at all, and she hadn’t lashed out when Kim upset her. She’d walked away when she’d needed time to think, and even if that had been hard for Kim, it didn’t even come close to what she’d just said. She’d accused Shego of using her for sex and told her to go sleep with someone else, which was hurtful in so many ways. Even though Shego had said that she expected them both to make mistakes, Kim knew that she’d crossed some sort of line tonight. She was afraid that Shego wouldn’t be able to look past it, no matter how much the other woman loved her.

She was beginning to think that maybe she wasn’t ready to start something right now. In some ways, she was still pulling her life together from Hank’s attacks. She was just starting to get comfortable on missions again, and this had started right at the end of her relationship with Grace. In fact, she’d been involved Shego before she’d even broken up with Grace. She hadn’t had any time to process the end of that relationship before jumping into something new. Her emotions were already so messed up and confused…maybe she wasn’t ready for this. But she wanted it so much, and she knew Shego wanted it too, and she couldn’t stand the thought of ending things now.

She was so distracted that the pilot had to tell her when it was time to jump. When she got there, she found out that Monkey Fist hadn’t actually taken anything from this museum, he’d taken something that they were interested in buying. It was still in a museum that was an hour and a half away.

While she was driving there, she got an update from Wade. The item was a manuscript about snow monkeys. No one could tell her exactly what it said, but there was supposed to be some sort of magic involved. That made her groan. She hated magic; it was hard to fight, and every object seemed to have its own set of rules.

She was fully expecting Monkey Fist — and the manuscript — to be gone by the time she got there, but the place was still crawling with monkey ninjas. As soon as he caught sight of her, Monkey Fist ordered them to all to attack her, which was annoying but not unexpected. Unfortunately, there were more ninjas today than she’d ever seen before, and she quickly found herself overwhelmed. She managed to get away, but so did Monkey Fist, along with the manuscript. She knew she would be covered in bruises in the morning, and, as she waited for a ride back to California, she started cataloguing every part of her body that hurt. It was a good way to keep herself from thinking about Shego, at least.

She was expecting the older woman to be gone by the time she got back to her apartment. After all, she’d been gone for several hours longer than expected, and she knew that Shego was upset with her. However, Kim found her asleep on the couch. Her heart melted and twisted all at once. Shego was here. She’d stayed, because of how much she loved Kim. But Kim didn’t deserve it. She was treating her horribly, and destroying what could become a really good relationship.

Kim touched her shoulder lightly and said her name, and Shego immediately sat up, both hands already glowing. Kim stumbled away as Shego looked around and extinguished her hands. Kim said, “You fell asleep.”

“Yeah, well it’s,” she paused to check her phone, “twelve thirty in the morning. Don’t you have work tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Can we just go to sleep and talk about this later?” Kim wanted to fall asleep next to Shego tonight. She needed concrete proof that the other woman was still here, with her.

Shego hesitated. “Fine, but you’re not getting out of this again. I don’t care if the whole damn planet is in danger.”

“Deal.”

A few minutes later, they were lying in bed together. Here, in the dark, it seemed like some of Shego’s barriers had come back down. She pulled Kim close and kissed the top of her head. “You are _such_ an idiot.”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t deserve you.” Kim wasn’t sure if she was expecting Shego to agree or not, but the other woman just shrugged. “You know, when you left on Tuesday…I was scared that you weren’t coming back. I…I thought this was over.”

“You’re not getting rid of me that easy Princess.”

“But I—”

“You were a moron and you said things you didn’t mean. Right?”

Kim was surprised by Shego’s summary; it was much less blameful than she’d expected. “Yeah.”

“Fantastic, we can talk about it tomorrow, but right now I want to sleep.”

Kim smiled. Shego wasn’t leaving, not now and not tomorrow. “Yeah, okay.”

“Good, then shut the hell up.” Kim felt Shego’s arms tighten around her, protecting her. She pressed closer to the woman next to her, and vowed not to mess this up again.

–oOo–

Kim was distracted through the entire day on Friday, trying to figure out what to say to Shego. She hadn’t meant to hurt her. Actually, the idea that she _could_ hurt Shego still felt strange. But right now, Shego was putting in a lot of effort, and Kim was barely putting in any. She kept assuming the worst about the other woman, even though she hadn’t done that in months. Shego had always been there for her. It was just…this was so different from everything that had happened before. Even though Shego had helped her so many times, that was different from a relationship. A relationship required commitment and constant communication, and that kind of scared her.

But she wanted it so, so much. She wanted Shego to be hers, and that meant she had to put in the effort too, especially right now. She had to make it clear that this was important to her.

She really just wanted to pretend that the last few days hadn’t happened. To get a clean slate and try again. Even the thought made her feel like a coward. That was taking the easy way out. She wouldn’t need Shego to forgive her, and she could just push away her mistakes. But the idea of apologizing was terrifying; Shego might reject her apology. Even if she didn’t…Kim didn’t think she deserved her forgiveness anyway.

 _A clean slate._ Could she ask for that? Would Shego agree to it? It would solve everything so quickly, even if it felt like she was running away from her mistakes. She had to apologize, no matter how hard it was, but maybe she could also ask if they could start over. Redo it, starting from the beginning, from before she said all those awful things.

When she got back to her apartment, Shego was waiting on her couch. Kim sat next to her, trying to calm her nerves. Shego spoke first. “You are _so_ stupid.” She’d been expecting that, and it almost made her smile.

“I know. I…I messed up. A lot. I’ve been…”

“An asshole,” Shego supplied.

“Yeah, an asshole. I love you, and I trust you.” She looked directly into Shego’s eyes, hoping the other woman could see the truth in her words. “You’ve been there for me so much, and you’re being so honest now and…” _This is really hard._ “I don’t want to keep hurting you. I didn’t want to hurt you at all, but I keep making all these awful assumptions.” She hesitated before continuing. This was the difficult part, the part she was unsure of. “Can we just…start over?”

The other woman studied her seriously, without any hint of her usual sarcasm. “What do you mean?”

“Just…pretend the last few days didn’t happen. I love you, and you love me, and…start from there again.” Now that she was saying it out loud, Kim realized that she desperately wanted this, much more than she’d known.

“You’re asking for a lot Princess.”

“I know.”

Shego sighed. “You should be glad I love you so much, because you really fucked up here.”

“I know,” she repeated. “That’s why I’m not asking you to forgive me. Even if you did, I wouldn’t deserve it. I just…I want to try again.”

Shego stared up at the ceiling, and Kim had no idea what she was thinking. When Shego looked back at her, her gaze was steady. “One time, Kim. You get to start over one time.” Her voice turned hard. “And you better fix _whatever_ is going on, because there are no more redos after this. Got it?”

Kim nodded. “Got it.” She scooted closer to Shego and hugged her, burying her face in her shoulder and crying. “Thank you.” Shego’s arms wrapped around her tightly. Kim knew she didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve this redo, even if it was only once. After a few minutes, she whispered, “I love you so much.”

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, just holding each other tightly. When they separated, Shego asked, teasingly, “So Princess, if we’re starting over, can I take you on a date?”

Kim had never imagined going on a date with Shego; it was impossible because of who they were. But now that Shego had mentioned it, she knew she wouldn’t be able to get the idea out of her head. She wanted it to happen, even if it was as simple dinner or a movie or walking around somewhere hand in hand. “We can’t. If someone sees us together…” She shook her head.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” Kim answered without hesitating for even a second. Especially now, she trusted Shego.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow at seven.”

Kim had a lot of questions, but she just asked, “Can we do Sunday night instead? I want to spar tomorrow.”

Shego nodded. “Tomorrow at two, Sunday at seven.”

She started to walk towards the window, but Kim said, “Wait.” She walked over and kissed her, slow and full of emotion. “I love you.”

“Love you too Princess.”

Kim watched her leave and thought about how lucky she was. Shego was sometimes so unpredictable, and Kim wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d told her to go fuck herself. Instead, she’d agreed to start over. To go back to square one and forget about everything that she’d said. She realized that Shego must really, really want this, maybe more than Kim did. She wanted it enough that she was willing to risk getting hurt, which was something Kim never would have expected from her. But Kim had no intention of letting that happen. She never wanted to hurt Shego again.

–oOo–

Kim was incredibly nervous to see Shego on Saturday. She spent the entire morning worrying about it. What if she said something stupid and pushed Shego away again? What if the other woman wasn’t able to just start over? _Why am I such a fucking idiot?_ That last thought made her smile a little. _I sound just like her._ She took a deep breath. This was why she wanted to spar. Fighting always helped her clear her head, and she knew it had the same effect on Shego. Hopefully it would help them both feel better, and would bring them closer again.

As usual, she arrived before Shego. When the other woman got there, Kim froze. She really wasn’t prepared to see her. Even though they’d agreed to start over, Kim hadn’t stopped thinking about what had happened. She’d said some really awful things, and if the situation had been reversed…Kim probably would have fallen apart right there. She was amazed by Shego’s strength; she’d obviously been hurt, but she’d still remained in control of her emotions.

She felt like she needed to speak. “I—”

Shego stepped close to her and put a finger on her lips. “Let’s fight.”

Kim was a little thrown off by the sudden closeness. “R-right. Fighting.”

“You know what that is, don’t you Kimmie?” The teasing helped her relax a little; this felt normal.

“I’ve been kicking your ass since I was fourteen. I’m not sure _you_ know what fighting is.” That was one of her better comebacks, and she could tell that the other woman was impressed.

Shego smirked. “Cute.”

Kim attacked, determined to prove that she could, in fact, kick Shego’s ass. She was almost surprised by how normal it felt. While they were fighting, they fell into their usual pattern of action and reaction, something they’d done dozens — maybe hundreds — of times. Kim felt grounded, completely focused on this moment, and on Shego. Eventually, the other woman tried a new move, something she’d never seen before, and Kim landed on the ground with Shego on top of her.

“So Princess, do you admit defeat?”

Kim thought about arguing, but she didn’t really want to keep fighting; she wanted to be with Shego. “I’ll kick your ass next time.”

“Mmhmm, keep telling yourself that.”

Shego moved to sit next to Kim, and Kim just looked at her for a minute. Then she reached out and put her hand on top of Shego’s again. The other woman immediately intertwined their fingers, squeezing Kim’s hand gently. _Starting over._

“Shego, are we…are we okay?”

The other woman studied her for several seconds. “I think so.” She put one hand behind Kim's neck and kissed her slowly. Her hand slid forward to rest on her cheek, and she kissed her again. Then she pulled back and looked at Kim. The intensity in her eyes was almost frightening, and Kim suddenly felt very small. “I don’t forgive people very often Kimmie. Don’t waste it.”

Kim whispered, “Okay.” She laid back on the grass, resting her head on Shego’s lap. The other woman looked down at her with such _loving_ eyes, and Kim suddenly understood exactly why she’d agreed to start over. Why she was willing to risk getting hurt again. _Fuck._

After a few minutes, she asked, “Where are you taking me tomorrow?”

Shego smirked. “Don’t you like surprises?”

“Not surprise dates. When Ron had a surprise, he brought me to the Actuary of the Year awards.” Kim immediately regretted bringing up an ex, especially now, but Shego didn’t seem to care.

“Yeah well, I’m not the buffoon.”

Kim hesitated for a moment, then decided to push her luck. “I know. You’ve seen me naked.” She was a little nervous about the reply, considering what she’d said to Shego about sex, but the other woman just looked offended.

“That’s it?”

“Well, we’ve also had sex.”

That was met with another smirk. “Then I guess I’ll just have to prove that I’m better at everything else.”

Kim’s mind immediately flashed to Ron’s cheating and the comments she’d made to Shego. Even though they weren’t technically _together_ , the other woman had been horrified by the suggestion that she’d sleep with anyone else. “I think you’re off to a good start.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, I originally planned on this being a lot more positive and happy than it was. I know it probably wasn't what people wanted, and I understand if y'all hate it. The next update will definitely take less time than this one, and I promise it will be a *lot* nicer. It will start with their date, which will be pure fluff. It will also feature Kim being less of a dumbass. If anyone has huge problems with how she's acting...well, so do I
> 
> Also, apparently "blameful" is a real word. So that's my fun fact of the day


	24. 159 days since breakup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the much happier chapter that probably should have happened instead of the last one. Much more fluff and only a little angst

Kim was incredibly nervous about her date with Shego. Even though they’d already spent so much time together, there was something different about a date. Something special. Like the way that she was fine having sex with Shego but was still hesitant to hold her hand. She was also worried because she’d already messed up so many times, and she couldn’t afford to do it again. Hurting Shego had been much, much worse than hurting Grace, even though they’d been together for less time. And Kim still didn’t know if they were actually _together_. They loved each other and they were going on a date but… _This is so complicated._

It was hard to think of Shego as her enemy now. It had been so long since they’d fought outside of sparring — Drakken was still working on his flowers — and so much had changed since then. Everything with Shego was happening so much faster than it had with Ron, or even with Grace, and the penalty for screwing up was so much higher. In her past relationships, she’d expected some amount of forgiveness, but with Shego…she’d been lucky to be forgiven once, and she didn’t think it would happen again. _I don’t forgive people often. Don’t waste it._ No, Shego wouldn’t let it go so easily next time. No matter how much Kim tried to distract herself, she couldn’t get those thoughts out of her head. _I don’t deserve to be happy._ She’d hurt Grace, and now she’d also hurt Shego, even though the other woman was so uncharacteristically soft with her. She’d already seen Kim at her worst so many times, had been hurt _by her_ , and still loved her. Still wanted to go on a date with her.

 _I’m going on a date with Shego._ The thought made her giddy, even if she still felt like she didn’t deserve it. She waited impatiently for 7pm, when Shego was going to pick her up. At 6:58, she finally got a message. _I’m waiting downstairs._ That piqued her curiosity; Shego usually picked her up in a hovercraft, and Kim had no idea why she would be in front of her building. She walked down and found Shego next to a parked motorcycle. _Of course she has a motorcycle._ The idea of Shego riding a motorcycle was really, really hot, and Kim tried and failed to push it out of her head. The other woman was wearing dark green skinny jeans with a black leather jacket, and god, Kim had forgotten how _amazing_ Shego looked in that jacket. “You…um…you look nice.” _Is that really the best I could do?_ “Really nice.” _That didn’t make it better._

“I know.” There was that smirk again. Kim wondered what it would take to make Shego blush. “You look nice too.” Now Kim was blushing. “Well, hop on.” She tossed a helmet to Kim and got on the bike.

Kim quickly put on the helmet and sat behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist. She said, “I’m ready,” close to Shego’s ear, and was pleased to feel the other woman shiver in response. Suddenly feeling bold, she started to kiss Shego’s neck.

“Kimmie…”

“Yes?” she asked innocently.

“If you do that while I’m driving, we’re going to crash. And I can think of much better reasons to take off your clothes.”

Kim flinched and leaned away from her. For a moment, she’d forgotten about what she’d said, and teasing Shego had felt natural. But now, even though they’d had sex before, the topic was almost painful. _If you just want sex, you should call Alyssa_. She reminded herself that they’d started over, but it didn’t make her feel much better. “Okay, I’m ready.”

Shego started the bike and drove slowly through the crowded streets. It didn’t take long for them to get to the highway, and they picked up speed quickly. Unsurprisingly, Shego completely ignored the speed limit and wove in and out of traffic at random. Kim knew she should disapprove, but she found herself laughing. It was exhilarating to sit there, holding on to Shego, feeling the wind and watching the background rush by. Eventually, they got off the highway and started navigating through slower city streets again, going somewhere downtown. There were definitely faster ways to get here, and Kim realized that Shego had taken a longer route to give them more time on the highway. That just made Kim love her more.

When Shego parked the bike, they were a few blocks away from the pro football stadium. Kim had gone to a game, once, after almost a full year of begging from Alex. Now, there were a lot of people walking in that direction, but Shego didn’t follow the crowd. Instead, the older woman led her through several side streets, and, while Kim could tell they were getting closer to the stadium, she wasn’t sure exactly where they were going. Eventually, they stopped in front of a tall office building. “Climb.”

“What? I’m not free climbing a public building!”

Shego rolled her eyes. “You’ve done it before.”

“Yes, but that was—”

“Kim.” Shego rested a hand on her arm gently. Kim really liked when Shego said her name like that, completely serious. She loved the teasing and the sarcasm and the nicknames too, but this always felt special. “Just trust me, okay?” It was clear that Shego really wanted this to go well, and Kim did trust her. And in spite of her protests, this definitely wasn’t the first time she’d climbed a building for fun.

“Okay.” The words _just trust me_ prompted a flood of guilt; it was a reminder that she hadn’t trusted Shego before. “I’m sorry I didn’t—” She stopped when Shego shook her head.

“We said we were starting over. Stop walking on eggshells around me.” Kim looked away, still not convinced. “Kimmie, look at me. None of that shit happened, got it?”

Kim just stared at her for a moment. She knew Shego usually held grudges, but it was clear that the other woman meant every word she was saying. She really had put all of that behind her. _I really don’t deserve her._ “Okay.” She took a step away and glanced at the building. _Act normal._ She flashed a quick smile at Shego and said, “Race you to the top.” She took off without any further warning, and she didn’t need to look back to know that Shego was following her.

Kim got to the top first, but Shego was only a few seconds behind her. The other woman immediately walked to the other end of the roof and sat with her legs hanging over the edge. Kim joined her, and saw that they had a perfect view of the stadium. It was full of people, all gathered in front of a stage with fancy lights and speakers.

“You brought me to a concert.” The other woman only shrugged. “Who’s playing?”

“Don’t you like surprises?” Shego was smirking now.

“Yeah, I think I do.”

“I guess I’m better than the buffoon then.” That smirk was still in place.

“Ugh, can we _please_ not talk about Ron while we’re on a date?”

“As long as you admit that I’m right.”

Kim smiled as she said, “You don’t exactly need the ego boost.”

“True, but I want to hear you say it.”

Kim rolled her eyes. “Fine. You were right.”

“See, was that so hard?”

Kim didn’t reply, just continued to watch people streaming into the stadium. She liked this side of Shego. Still teasing, but with less snark. She moved closer, carefully resting her head on the other woman’s shoulder. They’d already touched each other so many times, but now that they were on a date, this contact felt precious. Shego didn’t seem to share her hesitation; she immediately pulled Kim closer, and Kim relaxed against her.

The band started to play, and she smiled as she recognized the music. Shego had clearly put a lot of thought into this. All of it — the motorcycle ride, climbing the building, watching a concert on a roof — it was all perfect for them. Kim couldn’t imagine doing any of this with Grace, or with Ron, for that matter. Ron would have been fine on the motorcycle, but he would’ve whined the whole way up the building. And Grace — well, Grace wouldn’t have enjoyed any of it. But with Shego…this was just how they were. How they’d always been, even when they’d been nothing more than enemies. She was so glad they’d moved past that now.

She looked at Shego and said, “I love you.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to say that on a first date Kimmie.” A few seconds later, she added, “I love you too.”

Kim felt a now-familiar warmth in her chest when Shego said that. _She loves me._ She was never going to get tired of hearing it. She smiled and tried to watch the concert, but spent most of the time just looking at Shego. She was so beautiful, and Kim loved her so much.

“You know Princess, there will be plenty of time to stare at me after the concert.”

Kim blushed. “Sorry.”

Shego laughed. “It would be a shame if we climbed up here for no reason. I know you _hate_ climbing public buildings.” Kim knew her face was scarlet by now, and the other woman clearly noticed. “You’re adorable.” If her face hadn't been bright red already, Kim would’ve blushed even more. She couldn’t think of a clever reply, so she just went back to watching the concert.

When the music stopped, they both stood up and stepped away from the edge. Kim looped her arms around Shego’s waist and said, “Thank you. This was _perfect._ ”

It was hard to tell in the dim light, but she thought Shego’s cheeks were a little darker than normal. “I’m glad you enjoyed it Princess.”

Kim hesitated, thinking back to everything she’d said last week. Even thinking about sex was uncomfortable but… _Fuck it._ “Do you have anything else planned?” She hoped her tone was suggestive, but she had a feeling that she fell short. She was also _really_ worried about Shego’s reply.

Fortunately, the other woman only smirked. “I think I’m supposed to take you home and give you a kiss goodnight.”

Kim bit her lip nervously. “And if I invite you in for another kiss?”

Shego leaned closer as she said, “Well, I think it would be rude of me to refuse.” She had the sultry tone mastered perfectly, and her face was only inches away now. Just when Kim was expecting Shego to kiss her, the other woman pulled away. “But I wouldn’t want to keep you up too late on a weeknight.”

“Tomorrow is July 4th. I don’t have to get up early.”

“So are you going to invite me in for another kiss?” Shego teased.

“Are you going to take me home?” Kim countered.

“In a minute.” Before Kim could ask what that meant, Shego kissed her, in a way that made Kim wish that they were already in her bedroom. When Kim opened her eyes, Shego was gone, and Kim felt a moment of panic. Was the other woman leaving her here? Had this all been a plan to trap her? She ran over to the edge of the roof and saw that Shego was almost a quarter of the way down the building. The other woman smirked up at her.

“You coming, Princess?”

Kim suddenly felt dumb. Shego had kissed her so she could get a head start. It hadn't been a trap. It had, however, accomplished its goal; there was no way for Kim to catch up now. She wasn’t really upset though — it had been an amazing kiss.

But she felt like an asshole for doubting Shego again. The other woman had just taken her on an amazing date. She’d even been concerned about letting Kim sleep if she had to work in the morning. Even with all of that, Kim had _still_ worried that this was just a trap. Still worried that Shego was going to hurt her. Feeling guilty, she rushed down the building, and let Shego grab her and pull her into another kiss at the bottom. _Fuck, I love her._ “You said you were taking me home, right?”

Shego nodded, and they both got back on the motorcycle, and Shego sped off immediately. It was just as exhilarating as it had been earlier. Of course, she’d been on motorcycles before, but there was something so thrilling about being pressed against Shego as the wind blew past them.

True to word, Shego stopped outside Kim’s building and took her helmet back. Then she gave Kim a quick, chaste kiss. “Goodnight Princess.”

Kim felt cheated. “That wasn’t a real kiss.”

The other woman wrapped an arm around her waist and kissed her slowly, deliberately, and Kim felt like her brain was melting again; she could barely think enough to kiss back. When they separated, Shego whispered, “Was that better?” Kim nodded, and the other woman stepped away, towards her motorcycle.

Kim was struck dumb. Was Shego actually leaving? After the conversation they’d had earlier? Then she realized that Shego was waiting. Waiting for Kim to either say goodbye or invite her in. She went with the second option, and within minutes, they were in her apartment.

Shego cradled Kim’s face in her hands and kissed her again, controlled but still intense. Kim started to pull at Shego’s jacket, but the other woman stopped her. “Are you sure?”

Kim remembered her own words. _I’m not going to put out for you whenever you want._ She took a step back and looked away. It was nice that Shego was being so considerate, but it also made her feel like shit, because it was just another reminder that Kim was being unfair to her. “Why are you being so nice?”

Shego hesitated. “Princess, it’s been a long time since I loved anyone. I don’t want to fuck this up.”

“But you didn’t—”

“Let me finish.” Kim nodded. “You fucked up. Badly. And if I fucked up like that, I’d want a second chance too. And I don’t want you to regret…this.” Shego gestured vaguely, but Kim understood that she was talking about regretting sex, not the rest of it.

“You’re a lot nicer than you pretend to be.”

Shego shrugged. “I’m not pretending.” Kim could tell that she meant it, and she quickly corrected herself.

“You’re nice to me.”

“Keep talking and that might change.”

Kim hoped it wasn’t true. She loved that Shego was so much softer around her now, and she didn’t want to go back to how things were before. Shego was so nice to her, even though Kim kept assuming she was going to hurt her. “I don’t deserve you.”

The other woman stepped closer and trailed her fingers lightly over Kim’s collarbone, which made her shiver. “I have an idea Princess. We’re going to lay down and I’m going to tell you that you’re a fucking idiot, and tomorrow we’re going to spend the entire day in bed. Naked. Do you have a problem with that?”

Kim was surprised by the suggestion; she’d never expected Shego to turn down sex. Of course, the other woman wasn’t turning it down as much as postponing it, but it was obvious that they both wanted this, and it wasn’t like Shego to delay when she saw something she wanted. But when Shego was with Kim, she did so many things that were out of character; she acted like a better version of herself. _I need to stop doubting her._ She realized Shego was still waiting for an answer, and she said, “No problems with that.” Shego started to walk away, but Kim said, “Wait.” The other woman turned to look back at her. “I’m not really tired. Can we just talk for a while?”

“Sure Princess.” They sat on the couch, and Kim wrapped a blanket around herself and leaned against Shego. “What do you want to talk about?”

Kim hesitated, trying to think of a good question. “When was the last time you dated someone?”

“High school.”

“The one who—” Shego tensed next to her, and that answered her question. Shego’s last girlfriend had been in high school, when Hego had found them together and beaten her for it. She quickly did the math in her head. Shego hadn’t dated anyone in…probably ten years. This was only her second relationship — if they could even call it a relationship yet. Compared to Kim, who’d been with Ron for almost four years and then dated Grace for three months… _Of course she’s worried about messing up._

“Who was the first person you dated?” Shego asked.

“Walter Nelson. We were in middle school and we kinda broke up after our first kiss. Locked braces…that was an awkward ride to the orthodontist.”

Kim started to tell the story, and they kept talking, going back and forth with questions. As it got later, Kim noticed that Shego seemed more open to talking about personal topics, and she wondered if the other woman was going to regret this when she was less tired.

She wasn’t prepared when Shego asked, “Were you trying to kill me when you kicked me off that roof?”

Kim tucked her head down, avoiding Shego’s gaze. “I was hurt really, really badly, and I thought it was your fault. I wanted you to hurt like that.”

“Princess.” Kim looked at her. “Were you trying to kill me?”

She’d thought about this a lot. She remembered it all so clearly. She’d been so angry, and hurt, and the entire situation had been out of her control. When she’d seen Shego there, when she’d kicked her…she’d felt powerful for the first time that night. But had she wanted Shego to die? “I was really glad when I saw that you were alive.” Shego stayed silent, and Kim knew what she was looking for. “I got caught up in what I was feeling and…” Right now, laying against Shego, Kim suddenly realized that she knew the answer, and it made her want to cry. “I didn’t think of it that way but…I think there was a part of me that wanted you to die.”

The words were even more horrifying coming out of her mouth. She expected Shego to push her away, to yell at her and leave, but the older woman just nodded. “That’s what I thought.” Kim was shocked by that. Shego had _expected_ that response? Kim hadn’t even known it was true until she’d said it.

“Shego, I…I’m really sorry.” It felt so stupid, so inadequate. There was a part of her that had wanted to kill Shego, that had almost _succeeded_ in killing her, and all she could think of was _sorry._ She couldn’t even look at the other woman.

“Kimmie.” Shego put a hand on her cheek, forcing Kim to look her in the eye. “I would never hurt you like that, okay?”

Kim turned away again. “Why don’t you hate me? You should hate me!” _I will not cry._ It wouldn’t be fair to cry, not right now. She couldn’t ask Shego to comfort her about this.

“Would you try to kill me now?” Kim shook her head, still not willing to look at Shego. “You were upset, but I’m okay. You didn’t kill me.”

“But I wanted to.”

“I think you’ve changed at least a little since then.”

That got a weak laugh. “Yeah, I think so…are you really not upset?”

“I’m not upset Princess. I promise.”

 _I don’t deserve her._ “Okay.”

They didn’t talk much after that, but they didn’t get off the couch either. Kim couldn’t get that one thought out of her head. _I wanted to kill her._ But as it got later, it became harder to focus on that. She was so tired and Shego was so warm… She wasn’t sure if she’d actually drifted off when the other woman said, “Let’s go to sleep Princess.”

“Mmhmm.” Kim snuggled closer to her and stayed where she was; she was already comfortable, and she didn’t see any reason to move.

“Not happening Kimmie.” Shego stood up, and Kim fell flat on the couch. She sat up and glared at the other woman, who just rolled her eyes. Shego helped her stand, and they walked to her bedroom. Rather than putting on pajamas, Kim just took off her shirt and pants and crawled into bed. Shego joined her, and Kim was comforted by the feeling of her bare skin.

 _I wanted to kill her._ That was awful, and she wished she hadn’t figured it out. “I love you.” It felt like such a stupid thing to say right now, but she needed to make sure that Shego knew. Knew that she regretted it, that she was glad she was still alive, that she would never do anything like that again.

“I love you too Kimmie. Now let’s sleep, okay?”

“Okay.” Kim pressed closer to Shego, resting her head against her chest. She could hear her heartbeat, and feel every time her chest rose and fell. _I didn’t kill her. She still loves me._ She fell asleep listening to Shego’s breathing, but she dreamed about electrical towers.

–oOo–

On Wednesday night, Kim sat down to call Jess and Alex. She was already in a good mood; she'd spent most of Monday in bed with Shego, and Andy had told her that he was very happy with her work. Her week was definitely off to a good start, and she was excited to talk to her friends again. Especially Alex, who she’d barely spoken to since the summer started. When she joined the call, they were both already there.

Jess noticed her first. “Kim, you’re late again.”

“I know, I’m sorry, I was eating dinner.”

Alex interrupted, “How has your summer been?”

“It’s been good.” Kim launched into an explanation of her research, which Jess had already heard, then started talking about the new work she was doing. She’d been working in the lab for almost six weeks now, and she was starting to do a lot more coding, which was still a little uncomfortable.

“So, if I need help with my programming class, does that mean you can tutor me?” Alex asked.

Jess cut in. “Were you serious about taking that?”

“Yeah, it’s—”

“A useful skill that will help you advance your career?” Jess finished, quoting an email from their advisor.

“Well, I was gonna say it would look good on my resume. But yeah, I guess.”

Kim laughed. She hadn’t realized how much she missed having friends to talk to. Right now, she only had Shego; Jess and Alex were gone for the summer, she didn’t have any friends left in Middleton, and she hadn’t seen or heard from Grace since they broke up.

Jess started talking about her internship, which still sounded less interesting than Kim’s research, then Alex told them about his job. He was working at a summer camp — he hadn’t been able to get an internship — and studying for his GREs. That made Kim nervous. It was a reminder that she had to figure out what she wanted to do after graduation, and she didn’t have much longer to make up her mind.

After work, their conversation turned to the one topic that Kim _really_ didn’t want to talk about. Jess asked Alex about his boyfriend, which meant they were all going to have to talk about relationships. Which meant she was going to have to talk about Grace.

It was hard to believe that it had only been a couple weeks since they’d broken up. She was so happy with Shego now, and even though thinking about Grace _hurt,_ it had been way too easy to move on. _It was definitely harder for Grace._ That brought another wave of guilt, and a reminder that she didn’t deserve to be this happy. She’d hurt someone who loved her and— _Stop thinking about it._ It was hard though, especially since she’d hurt Shego too. But now, she needed to make sure she didn’t do it again; if she didn’t fuck this up, she thought — or at least hoped — that it would turn into a really great relationship.

She couldn’t say that to her friends though, so she just tried to be happy for them. After Alex finished talking about his boyfriend, he asked Jess about hers. They were both smiling so much, and Kim stayed as silent as possible, in hopes that they would forget about her. It didn’t work, and Alex asked, “How’s Grace?,” with so much enthusiasm that it was almost painful.

“We…we broke up.”

Jess asked, “So things didn’t get better?”

“Yeah.” For Alex’s benefit, she added, “She kept asking to go on missions and she didn’t trust me and…it just didn’t work.” Her stomach twisted as she said it. She felt like Ron, hiding the real reason behind the breakup. Hiding the fact that she’d fallen for someone else.

“I’m sorry, it seemed like you were really happy. Are you okay?”

Kim was surprised by Alex’s question. Jess usually didn’t ask about her feelings, and she’d always been with closer with her than Alex. Actually, since she’d broken up with Ron, Shego had been the _only_ person who’d asked about her feelings, at least before she’d started dating Grace. “It was hard for a while, but I’m okay now.”

“I’m really glad.”

Before she could reply, Jess spoke up again. “So if you’re not with Grace anymore…do you still like boys or is it just girls now? Because there’s this guy who I saw at a lot of parties last year who—”

“Jess, stop.”

“What? I’m just saying—”

Kim cut her off again. She didn’t want to think about her breakup with Grace, and she couldn’t tell her friends about Shego, and she really just wanted to drop this topic and move on. “How would you feel if Cameron broke up with you?”

Jess froze with her mouth open, which might have been entertaining at a different time. She closed her mouth slowly, clearly taking time to process everything that Kim was implying. “Oh. I…I’m sorry Kim.”

“It’s fine,” she said, even though it really wasn’t.

“I did this after you broke up with Ron, didn’t I?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’d been together for years and he cheated on you…I’m so sorry. I hadn’t been in a real relationship and…I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Just…don’t do it again, okay?”

Jess nodded. “Do you still like guys though? Not, like, because of that, just…in general I guess.”

Kim almost laughed at her friend’s awkwardness. “Yeah, I do.”

“So are you bi…or pan…or…?”

“I’m not really sure.” Kim suddenly realized that, if she’d known that she liked girls in high school, she probably would’ve figured out a label within a couple days. That thought was almost amusing, until she realized that it would’ve been just one more item on the list of things to hide from the media. Her mind immediately went to the scars on Shego’s arms, and she pushed those thoughts away.

Fortunately, Jess hadn’t noticed her lapse in attention. “Alex, what about you? Do you like girls?”

“Definitely not.”

“Jess, do you like girls?” Kim teased, even though she knew the answer.

“Girl, I’m straight as an arrow and you know it.”

They moved on to talking about school. As they compared their fall schedules, they realized that they were only going to have one class together, for the first time since freshman year. “That makes sense,” Jess said. “We’ll be in more specialized classes since we’re seniors.”

“Holy shit,” Alex said.

Kim nodded. “Yeah.”

“Wait, I don’t get it. What’s _holy shit?_ ”

Kim smiled. “We’re seniors.”

“So?”

Alex shrugged, waiting for Kim to answer. Rather than explaining, she just changed the topic. Later that night, though, Kim came back to that, over and over. _We’re going to be seniors. I finished junior year._ It had, without a doubt, been the worst year of her life, but she’d made it. In a couple months, she was going to be a senior. She was going to be a senior, and she was dating Shego. For once, it actually felt like things were okay.


End file.
